I agree with letting Dr Love know that you aren't interested in friendship.
Nothing major going on for you right now, but I hope you enjoy your Christmas.
Same question, what apps/sites are you using? I have had offers out of the blue, but I havent gone searching...yet.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I don't mean to claim any great success rate. I joined a couple of sites which I had been perusing for a while but which I had never gotten around to paying for, and sent out over a dozen messages. Two dates came from match, one from bumble, and another from tinder. I am also talking to girls on hinge (which seems really good) and ok Cupid. It was a bit of a blitz offensive to see what popped up. That said, I am very comfortable putting myself out there and opening myself up to rejection. It's easy to have zero expectations in these situations!!
On a separate note, I just received a text from W wishing me a happy Christmas. My mother saw the message and pretended to write "F#ck off" on my phone.... Gotta love mama bears!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hi Davide, Sounds like you've been busy! I read your note about dating women with kids at some point (everything has been kind of a blur). It's really hard dating a woman with kids when you don't have your own kids because their kids will always be #1 and you'll be #2. Plus their ex will usually still be in-the-picture as a co-parent. Ideally you'll find someone without kids although I'm sure any woman would be lucky to have you, kids or no kids! That's also odd about your wife wanting to talk and be in touch. She can't have it both ways!
I'm just going to journal a bit since it has been a while. Nothing grand to report. I am now finishing up the winter vacation and about to head back to school tomorrow. It has been rejuvenating and sad at the same time. The 10-11 hour drive to visit my parents is one that I had done so many times with the W that it is hard not to be reminded of previous trips. Still, it was great to be surrounded by people who love me, and I was able to visit high school and college friends as well. New Years Eve was spent at my best friend's house for a party with his wife and four kids and other families. I have seen so much of his family in the last year that the kids now all know me and are excited to see me and talk to me or play ping-pong with me. They give me big hugs as their uncle Davide. It almost feels like being part of a family, and it reminds me of why I valued having a family of my own. There was just so much love in the air.
That said, coming back home and to my "normal" life is a bit of a relief. I joined my friends for a great group bike ride on Thursday evening. I have resumed my yoga practice, going to three sessions in four days. I went back to the rock climbing gym twice, once with a new climbing partner (and got my first v6 in over 6 months!) Even without work there are certain routines that both give structure, but also meaning and connection to my life.
I have also continued to pursue dating on-line and have been conversing with a number of women. Most of them don't know about my separated status until we meet for the first time. It just feels too personal to bring up while texting, although if asked I would never lie. I had a few dates this weekend, including a second date with a very nice woman who is in the same boat -- separated and waiting out the 1 year period. It was nice to be able to talk to her openly about the situation, and even ask her advice since she has been separated a bit longer. I had little to no expectations going into the date, but she really opened up and showed more spunk than I had seen earlier and we connected well. I still have some other dates in the works, but I am willing to commit to just one person if it progresses and continues to feel right. I am also very consciously maintaining my social life, eating out with friends, biking, climbing, and making the dating fit in around that. I talked about that with my date on Saturday and she said that she did the same thing with horseback riding - that it was sacrosanct time for her. I think it is important to maintain that balance from the outset since the opening stages of a relationship can very easily become all-encompassing.
Ironically, I got a text from W during the date, just to let me know that she is back in town, to set up the dog schedule, and to touch base about finances. On the drive over I was also reminded of her as I had to pass by an emergency room where I took her years ago after a bad rock climbing fall. What most surprised me was how quickly any thoughts of her left my head after receiving the message. I went back to my date and immediately lost myself in conversation with her. My thoughts on the drive home were completely on my date and how unexpectedly positive an experience it had been.
So, overall things are going well. It feels good to have tangible signs that I am moving on with my life, although clearly most of the work has been internal. So little of my time is spent ruing or even thinking about my sitch. I deal with it when I need to, but focus my energies on the positive aspects of my life, which are multitudinous. Gratitude is an essential part of my daily life and I try to express it as often as I can.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
We need to split up our shared savings/checking accounts, and agree to an arrangement about the house. We have already started to talk about it and it shouldn't be contentious. Her guilt is a positive in that regard. Haha!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I talked with my IC yesterday for the first time in a month. It's not always the most helpful. I can get some things off my chest and work through some issues but in general he is convinced (and I don't disagree) that I am doing very well and that my mindset and attitude are where they should be.
That said, one of the issues that I was working through with him, and that I wanted to share here and ask for thoughts on was my desire to start moving forward with splitting the finances and beginning the process of filing for a D. As of our last conversation and her last email a few weeks ago, my W does not feel ready for that. Speaking with one of my dates who also happens to be separated, I had it confirmed to me that the year-long separation requirement of this state is not enforced in practice so long as both parties agree to it (i.e. If we both simply say that we separated last January rather than last April, there is no checking up to see if it is true.) So, I could start moving the process forward now rather than waiting until April, and I am tempted to do so.
I wanted to interrogate my desire to move forward in this process. Part of it certainly has to do with moving on and being more free to date without having to have those awkward conversations which can drive people away. I do feel that being separated is a red-flag (and perhaps deservedly so) for many women, and it is holding me back from meeting people or connecting further with people. Part of the reason I am dating so much now is because I am trying to figure out if I want to stay in the city where I currently live, and where I have few ties. I love my house and my neighborhood, and am growing a social circle which I like very much, so staying is an option which becomes more attractive if I think there might be a relationship out there.
Part of my desire is also because I realize that I would like to start a family before it is too late, and while it is not AS imperative as a man, there is a biological clock for me, as well as for the pool of women that I can date. Even now most of the women I see are reaching a point of having to make a decision very soon, and I feel that will only worsen in the future. I don't feel like I have a lot of time to waste, and I realize that it could take years to meet the right person, or to develop the relationship fully, or simply to be successful in having a child. I don't want to be a first-time father at age 50.
I also feel that there is already no relationship to cling to. The metaphor I used with my IC is that of a brain-dead accident victim who is kept alive only by machines and for whom some near family member has to make the decision to pull the plug. My relationship, like that patient, is already gone, it is only a question of pulling the legal plug on it. I still have love for who my wife was, and her importance in my life, and the myriad good times we had together. If she came running back saying all the right things and showing personal and emotional growth I would certainly be tempted to give it a chance, but I'm not sure if I would. I want a family and she doesn't, and I think that might be a deal-breaker for me now in a way that it wasn't earlier. If I am focused on the future, not the past, I don't know how much she really has to offer me.
Returning to the metaphor, there is still some trepidation about the finality of "pulling the plug" even though it really doesn't change anything. It's not the type of decision you want to rush. In my mind it is a question of balancing the competing desires for freedom and a clear path to move forward, versus patience and a respect for the relationship which did mean so much to me. If I turn it around for a second to contemplate how I would feel if my W approached me and suggested that we start moving forward on D -- I think the initial approach would sting, one final rejection piled on top, but once I got past that I think I would be relieved. It would allow me to move forward while taking the responsibility for making the decision to pull the plug out of my hands.
In any case, I'd love to hear any advice.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You have travelled a long road D and you have made your inner voyage so as to stand where you are now. Your W is no visible around the horizon...Your "if"s long for the former W, she´s gone. You have managed hope and expectations under DB rules so you have reached the place where you are standing with strength and consistency. Your arguments are perfectly clear.
Take your time to ease your mind, relax...( I don´t like to use "but" here so I won´t use it...)
Move forward D.
You deserve your real life
(((D)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
