It's not drama. I don't see it that way.It's just some real life things that are going on that need to be handled.
I still think good things are in store. Life is actually really good right now. Still figuring out how to navigate some stuff that is new to me that challenges me a bit.
I think when often the major stuff seems to be aligning, it gives you time to focus on the smaller stuff you need to be ironing out. My health needs to be ironed out. I have to get my daughter's attitude in check a bit and learn to navigate this new phase. I need my work situation settled. And it's happening and I get overwhelmed sometimes. But it isn't drama to me, and I always get it handled.
If I may, I want to specifically address what you said about M being able to or even wanting to handle a preteen. I have some personal experience with this. I never had kids of my own, but have always worked in a profession that included working closely with children. So, I always felt like, though I didn't have my own, I understood parenting to a very slight degree more than someone who was never around kids.
Enter my XH with 3 TEENAGE daughters (well, technically one preteen, because the youngest was 12 when we got married). The girls are 2 years apart so they were 12, 14 and 16 when I came along and D16 was having a pretty serious rebellious streak, dating boys in their 20's and such (with her mother's knowledge and approval, for the record). It was overwhelming at first, because the girls are much girlier than my sister and I ever were, but I just had never been privy to that dynamic before. I have siblings, a brother and sister, but our age gaps are much greater (bro is 6 years younger than me, sis is 12 years younger than me). I won't sit here and lie to you and tell you that it was always a walk in the park, but I did it because I loved my XH and I love my girls. Our relationship didn't develop overnight and we had the added issue of their mother being jealous of me and trying to make little snide comments every chance she got, until the girls got bold enough to shut her down.
I tell you all that to say this. ANY man (or woman, as the case may be) worth their salt as a person and, probably even more importantly, as a parent, will adapt to the situation beautifully and develop a lovely relationship with D11 that allows them to play a parental role and be part of her life. I suspect, based on the things that you have told us about M, that he is definitely worth his salt in this area. I will just warn you because I have been there and done that (as I'm sure others do have on this board), it will NOT be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. And, besides, if you do decide to have children together, there might be another precious D in your future and he'll need to learn how to handle teen girl drama because let me tell you, there is a TON of it in every girl. It is a very rewarding experience to be chosen to parent someone else's child and when someone has their own child, as M does, I would assume they are even more aware of the awesome gift that they are sharing when they let another person in their child's life. It may be a roller coaster as everyone adjusts and there will be ups and downs, but I bet M will ride that roller coaster like a champ. As an added bonus, while D11 loves her dad, M will give her another POSITIVE example of how a man treats the woman he loves and how he treats his children with love.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
One thing I read quite a while ago that stuck with me was on the subject of dating a single mom.
The article went to some length to point out that when you are dating or even in a relationship someone with kids that you are not the parent of those kids and should not act as if you were. Be a good role model yes. Support the actual parent yes. But under no circumstances try to take the lead in the parent/child relationship. And no judging of the choices of that parent. They have a lifetime of experience in parenting their child - we as outsiders do not.
This seemed to make a lot of sense to me. I occasionally see postings on the OLD sites about women looking for a "man's influence" for their kids and treat that as a huge warning. More often though I see comments about how they are perfectly happy parenting / co-parenting their kids and don't want input from potential new partners.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree, Andrew! Initially, I didn't take the lead in discipline or try to be their mom. Now, I did allow them to come and talk to me, as they would their mom, but in our case, their mom was mostly absent, so they needed a female they could trust. I never judged nor tried to insert myself into the relationship between my XH and the girls, even when I didn't necessarily agree with how he handled something. I just kept it to myself and rolled on. I may have been in a unique situation, I don't know, but my XH would actually ask me for input on occasion.
I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with a woman looking for a male influence for her children though, so we may disagree on that particular point. You can be an influencer in a positive way without usurping the parental role. And, again, I may in a unique situation since I don't have my own flesh and blood children, but I would like to think that if I did and I were in a relationship with a man that I WOULD occasionally maybe ask his input or advice just to keep him included and engaged with my children.
But then again, I was raised in a "it takes a village" family where my niece and nephews are just as much like my own as they are their parents, so maybe it is MY viewpoint that is skewed.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you so much for sharing that with me, Dawn. I have loved someone elses kid very much before myself, and she wasn't easy. but we bonded and I understood her. I was blessed to get that experience.
It was always a balance like Andrew said about how to be an adult figure and not try to be their "parent" I know it must be difficult for D11's stepmom. I think my D11 really does need a positive male influence in her life. She does have a dad though.
I also struggle where I have been parenting my way, since the beginning, on my own. Am I doing it right? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I take it a little hard when someone comes in and doesn't understand why I do what I do. I am always open to feedback, though. But certain things happen a certain way in our unique little situation we have adapted too.
For example, M knows for the past day or two, I ve been a little nervous about the job sitch. he was very supportive. I did tell him a little about D11's stinky attitude and the such. And he said something like "I am sure your nervousness is rubbing off on her" Yes, I am sure she knows I might be a little tense, but I am human and can't hide all my feelings. And this has been ongoing , not just the past 2 days, and with her father, and others. It's really just entering the preteen years. She isn't a bad kid, she is just going through puberty and learning her way, and I am trying to establish some healthy boundaries. I don't think because I have been a little nervous about something she is acting out. She's 11, she knows mom can have emotions and she has emotions and things aren't always hunky dory. So, it's differences like these that worries me. Like you Dawn, as a woman handling pre teen girls, you know it's a different ball game.
I do appreciate input from a partner and a partner who is a parent. As long as that person has respect for your parenting style and situation.
In other news. I got the offer for the lateral move! Same salary. I now have to go tell my boss who has been giving the death stare at our morning conference today. Her position was eliminated and she is not happy. But in that matter, maybe she won't care.
In other news. I got the offer for the lateral move! Same salary. I now have to go tell my boss who has been giving the death stare at our morning conference today. Her position was eliminated and she is not happy. But in that matter, maybe she won't care.
Happy dance for you! Sad waltz for the boss.
Sounds like you dodged the cut-back axe.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Instead of dreading being snowed in with a bored teen, use the time to try and reconnect a little.. Maybe pull out some favorite board games, or find a new one.. just spend some quality time with each other, it will be way more productive than her sulking all weekend. Maybe you can watch a movie or two, Mermaids (about a single mom and daughter) might be a good one to watch.
If she is still sulking you could always through in Mommie Dearest and preface it by saying that she is about to see who you are going to become if she doesn't start shaping up.
As for M dealing with a pre-teen, I can't imagine that a man would be willing to date a woman with a child if they weren't prepared to deal with growing kids. My son was 7 when we started living together, definitely much easier to bond and step into a parental role, but at almost 12, I agree that M's role would likely take on more of a positive influence.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
haha, thanks! we are transitioning to become another company and shady stuff is going on with who they are going ot take over, who they aren't and how much they would pay. I definitely dodged an axe. I really had no choice but to get out, and I am so greatful that it's to exactly where I want to go.
Coconut- D11 was having some drama with her friends on Friday and I was making cookies and I told her to bake with me, something she loves to do. She wouldn't even. I love doing things with her, actually, she seems to be more about her friends these days. She used to love doing things with me. I think without her phone, she will enjoy hanging out with mom. We did make friendship bracelets together a week ago. She's still kind of there, lol. I remember watching Mommy Dearest! I think my mother was trying to teach me a lesson too, and I finally realized what she meant by saying " don't make me take out the wire hanger!"
Thanks C-nut, I am looking forward to some bonding time together with her. And I think M knows that dating a mother means it's a package deal and he knows what he is getting into. He's never done this before with other people's kids. It's completely new territory with him. I am confident we can explore it together with understanding.
I am very happy to read that you are getting the same salary and it's a good time to move out of there.
As for your daughter, she's definitely exhibiting a lot of the "testing the boundaries". My sister went through the same thing. She had to set some strong boundaries to get the message across about the "attitude".
You've been given excellent advice about reconnecting w/her. Talk to her and really listen to what she has to say. Peer pressure is not fun and she wants to fit in w/those friends. The behavior is unacceptable and when she sees that you and others are on the same page about it...she may very well settle herself down. But, the testing of boundaries will continue for quite some time. Be patient, but be firm and only reward her when she's on the same page w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
