Bo, just caught up and wanted to let you know that while your sentence above may seem insignificant, I am happy for you that you are open to having a good relationship, even if that means it may be with someone else.
I know you would no doubt still mourn the M with your current W in any case, but being open to a different future is a healthy step that takes a lot for all of us to get to.
Also, I would agree with you on NOT moving out of your marital home before there's anything in writing. Everything I've read about being the first to move out points to it being a bad idea, even if you aren't going to ultimately keep it, but your lawyer should definitely be able to confirm based on your specific situation.
Thank you, TJT.
I do want a better relationship—whether it is with W, or someone else, in time. There are a number of things that I’ve felt like I’ve had to ‘die to’ in order to make things work with W. Meaning, I’ve had to give up certain things or let things go in some aspects. In some respects, this can be part of growing together and negotiation of married life, but in some ways, this may not have been the healthiest approach.
The word that I would use is ‘vacillating.’ I go back and forth on a relationship down the road—I’m really, deeply conflicted (my personal email shows me ads for match—meet locals in [your current area]), and it’s hard for me to not look at some of the very attractive women around me (whether at work, church, or out and about), even though I know that I’m still married and I would need some time anyway. I know that there is much for me to work on, but I also deep down know that I am a prize, to someone out there, in time. W was so hot after marrying me, and while I know I have some issues to fix, I also know that I can be pretty amazing, if it makes me sound immodest. I have 2 wonderful, beautiful young kids (both 6 and under), I teach, I’m not THAT bad looking, I have a stable job where I have to be good with kids.
I am in mourning of current MR with W, but I also mentioned in an earlier post that things weren’t always that great—they were very very good at times, but it wasn’t a fairy tale. I sometimes think that I should consider myself grateful for the fact that, if this does go through, this is happening to me at 35, instead of at 45 or 55.
The ‘parenting plan’ is in writing, but it’s not been signed off on, nor has it been filed with a court. It’s generally been my understanding that unless there is a threat of abuse or violence, moving out first is NOT a good idea. But I’m going to ask the L about the validity of this, what my options are, and what I can do going forward.
W is still very sick—she’s been sleeping most of today, and I don’t blame her. She can’t keep anything down, and is so dehydrated that she is worried she may have issues pumping milk for YS. She’s also worried that if it gets much worse, that she may need to go to the ER for IV fluids, but hopefully it doesn’t get that far.
W texted me earlier this morning asking me for help with something—I was napping on the living room couch and didn’t see it until later after I woke up, but once I saw it I went to go check on her.
She’s asked me to do a couple of small ‘favors’ for her—change the trash bag in the trash can she threw up in, and to get her some ice. She also apologized for ‘stealing my quilt’ on our bed (I told her that that was okay). We’ve both been asking each other how the other is feeling. Been trying to help her where I can, but of course with no expectation that anything I do will change anything—just trying to treat her with love and compassion.
However, I've actually read that's very common, that the person who files is often not the one who wanted the D to begin with.
A/S has alluded to this obliquely earlier, but I hope TJT is right. But we'll see which side of that dynamic W is on.
Originally Posted by Yail
It's nice to feel wildly selfish in this. Everything I do is for me. My financial planning, my attempt to exercise, my schoolwork and studying for something more in my career, possibly buying a house. Everything is about me right now.
This is what made New Year's night feel so amazing for me when I went out and GAL. W and MIL had the kids, so I worked out, and then went for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, watched football and basketball and had a couple of beers and didn't get home until about 10:30. Next morning, confession, Starbucks for coffee and breakfast. Felt so single, felt so free, though I always miss the boys when they're out like that. Single Bo would be proud. Honestly, that night felt great.
And tonight I thought I heard W say 'Babe' my way. Don't think too much about it Bo.
I know that there is probably the tiniest spark of hope that as your W saw how you cared for her and took care of the kids while she was sick, she will come around. She will not. As soon as she gets better, things will be back to where they were. I remember my W coming down with something twice when we were IHS. She was sick as a dog, I took care of business and the kids, and really thought it would snap her out of it.
It did not, but it did meake me feel kinda crappy afterwards, because I've gotten my hopes up and had expectations. Oh well, I know better now. :-)
I mentioned this in another post, but I have no illusions that anything I do for her will change her mind. Trying to keep no expectations, and hence not trying to get worked up about it anyway.
This is the same woman who last February told me that 'she wished she loved me enough to want to take care of me' after I threw out my back.
MIL is over right now.....took OS to get a haircut.
I’m venting, so 2x4 as necessary, but I’m really starting to resent her presence in our family sphere.
Thing is, is the last couple of months, there have been more outings where it’s been W, MIL, OS and YS. And on Christmas Eve, as I was wrapping gifts in the living room, I heard W and her mom gossiping about work, but I also heard MIL make a comment about how we “should try to keep [OS] in the current school district, in spite of the craziness that is sure to happen in the coming year.”
I feel like I’m trying to be erased as part of the family, both by W and MIL. Pics, when they happen, don’t really involve me, and there are the outings where it’s the 4 of them. Right now, the 4 of them are watching something while I’m watching football (though I have had YS a good amount this afternoon), journaling, will be using the time to grade / prep for school, as well as come up with stuff for L meeting. Something just tells me that MIL has a whole lot to do with this—providing material and moral support for W. MIL is the only family either of us have out here—and I’m sure she’ll take care of W and the boys, no matter what. Me? Eh. I’ll be on my own. God, I kinda hate this right now.
This is just one of the unfortunate side effects of this type of sitch. You lose family because blood is thicker than water. It's nice to have support, but if you can learn to do without you will be much stronger for it.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
It's nice to have support, but if you can learn to do without you will be much stronger for it.
I hope I can.
But the thing is, is that W has always had someone to bail her out, and that’s what bothers me the most.
She’s gotten pretty far in life by having help from others.
The house that we lived in early in our MR? I bought that for her—her credit was, uh, poor, so the mortgage and everything was initially in my name. Then we sold that so she could take her job.
How did she get her federal job? Through their friends and family program—where her mom works and gave her the recommendation.
When we first moved out here for her job? I was a stay-at-home-Daddy for 6 months or so.
She has talked about ‘making her career THE priority.’
Her student loans? Mom helped pay on some, and then she got student loan payment from her employer. She’s now loan-free.
And now this.
Since W has been sick this weekend, her mom is here to help, and she will probably spend the night to help W with YS while I take OS to Mass / Sunday School tomorrow morning.
My eyes cannot roll far enough back into my head. I always thought she was so independent.
I know this means I’m probably NOT detached, but whatever right now.
Hey I hear you. My W has always had help. She has always been spoiled. She didn't pay a dime for her college education. I used my inheritance to pay for her master's. I used grants/scholarships/fellowships to pay for mine. W had been given money, autos, vacations, etc. by her family. I was W biggest cheerleader and encouraged and helped her get as far as she has in her career. (She deserves the credit because she is awesome at her job, but she may have never taken the leap without my support or help). Heck, despite what her parents said and their initial fallout they are still throwing money her way, albeit a loan. My point is it doesn't do a d@mn bit of good worrying about it. Some people have it easier than others, it is what it is. Maybe look at your R and determine if what you did was ever reciprocated. If not maybe that's on you for not recognizing it.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I was W biggest cheerleader and encouraged and helped her get as far as she has in her career. (She deserves the credit because she is awesome at her job, but she may have never taken the leap without my support or help).
We wouldn’t have moved out to Cali if I didn’t agree that she should take her initial job with the Feds. Admittedly, it took me a bit longer than I should have to become her cheerleader at work, but in time I came around to supporting the demands that her career entailed (I still with the phrase ‘making her career a / the priority’, and I also struggled with her wanting to be away from work so often for weeks or months with a very young child and me starting a challenging new career as a teacher—seriously, wouldn’t wish the first year of teaching on anyone.) She is good at her work (or at least she tells me), and she has admitted that she feels that this is what she is meant to do with her life, at least career-wise.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
My point is it doesn't do a d@mn bit of good worrying about it. Some people have it easier than others, it is what it is. Maybe look at your R and determine if what you did was ever reciprocated. If not maybe that's on you for not recognizing it.
I do appreciate the validation and affirmation, but you’re also right in the sense that I just need to drink a big tall glass of STFU towards myself about this. I shouldn’t play the victim card—rather, I need to create the best life possible (present and future) for me and the boys.
When looking at the R, I don’t believe much of my giving was reciprocated. I think 50% of that would be on me; when I say that, I say that with the idea that my spouse should also give in kind and make sacrifices for the other when able to.
However, I am starting to realize where I went wrong—that a good amount of the time I was giving (especially for her career), it was with the expectation that she should do the same. Most of the time this was a covert contract—but sometimes I tried spelling it out for her, but I’m not sure how much she picked it up anyway. I did try making my needs known to her, but they didn’t always get met. In any case, that is something I will stop doing—stop giving with the expectation that W will do the same. Any sort of giving for her will be as truly from the heart as I can.
In one respect, I am glad that I didn’t have that expectation towards her, and that was in providing for my retirement. Luckily, I’ve been putting $$$ aside in my current employee pension / 403b—I knew that in this respect I needed to start providing for myself, and that I couldn’t / didn’t want to wait until things were finally ‘financially stable enough’ that I could start to do so (because that would be like waiting for Godot), and I rather just did it (65-year-old Bo hopefully will thank 35-year-old Bo). One of the better decisions I made, but I think in light of what the next few months may bring, I’ll ramp down my contributions a bit to give myself some more breathing room monetarily.
What I hope, from W 2.0 or in my next relationship, is that I can be with a woman with whom I can be more ‘equally yoked’ spiritually, but also more ‘equally yoked’ emotionally and more on the same page and more attentive to each others’ needs.
What I need, what I want, what I deserve is a woman who can share herself and her life like I want to give to her.
