There are so many sensitivities and emotions floating around. Your ex-wife is learning some hard lessons and now she's the fragile, vulnerable one whereas when she left you it was you who was fragile. No one likes to be the fragile one, but you and your ex-wife are both fragile as you try to navigate a potential reconciliation. Maybe you two can agree that you'll both make mistakes and you're both learning and you'd both love for this to work out but it's a process with an uncertain outcome. We all have times when we have trouble controlling our emotions. What I'd be looking for right now is whether she's sorry for her outburst. Did she recognize her fault and correct herself? Is she trying to learn and improve herself? It sounds like your reaction was fine. I will try to get more caught up on your situation as soon as possible.
AS: We are dating right now. We aren't moving in together.
Nic: Thank you for the response. I know you have a lot going on too. Yes, she has apologized for her behavior, but we are still discussing it. She is having trust issues with me. Of course, that is ridiculous. I do not know how to say that to her without triggering guilt.
I guess for now we just talk more.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Joe...I'm sorry I'm as "gray rock"/non-emotional as I can be towards my WW in my sitch, but from reading what you wrote all I can say is "oh H**L NO!!!"
You two are DIVORCED as she had a SECRET affair initially at least with an OM, ran you through every shade of H**L imaginable, comes back, you go to a public party where you advise her your exGF is going to be (which you didn't have to do) and she loses her S**T on you? That's crazy!
For sure given the uncertainty of all that is happening between you patience is a virtue, but good lord man. Like where the H does she get the right to bust your b8lls when you two are divorced because of HER BETRAYAL?!?! And that she went and acted as she did when she is trying to convince YOU to give her a 2nd chance with a relationship. WOW! I NO WAY am I saying you should be in any way vindictive or making her feel you have a "revenge affair" hall pass, but man I'm just stunned at how she acted.
I think you need to be mindful to keep any rose colored glasses about her far from you at this time. As everyone has said it will take a very long time and much work both separately and together for the two of you to progress. An old Hannibal Lecter quote I'll share with you as I think given her actions it's something to remember: "My dear Will, you must be healed by now... on the outside at least, I hope you're not too ugly. What a collection of scars you have. Never forget who gave you the best of them, and be grateful, our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real."
I'm pulling for you Joe. If you want the relationship back with exW, I'm praying for you there as well. But don't you dare forget who gave who the scars between the two of you. This LBH just got fired up from what you told us LOL!
Your ExW is now your GF. You have to treat her as such. She hurt you in the past, but you have grown and she hasn't that's obvious. She now gets to see the confident and attractive Joe and now you AMOAFWL. She got mad because you attended a party with your ExGF, her reaction was not good, but she is showing interest and concern and that's a good thing. You now have to state your position and ask her how you being around your Ex makes her feel. You both need to create boundaries and discuss what you will and will not except.
If you and her are now in a relationship, you have to consider her and how she feels when you are doing certain things. She will make mistakes in this process, we as LBS have the advantage of having this site and these awesome people to help guide us, your ExW/NewGF does not.
Your NewGF will not be exactly like we describe her actions to be, you know if she is sincere. You know with your instinct if she doing something that you can't live with. You will have tense moments. You both are relearning each other while trying to move past those old people you were. It will be times of confusion and anger. Be patient!!!
You haven't done anything wrong nor has your NewGF IMO. You both are really early on in this process.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thank you for the advice and your perspective on my sitch. I am in new territory here because I've never been in a relationship like this before. Everything is new, even the remnants of the old M have so many things attached to them that it is way different...
But it's not all bad either. The two of us have made many changes and in many ways our new relationship is much more relaxed than our MR was. We have had our arguments and our disagreements, but we bounced back pretty quick from them. We are taking things one day at a time.
We spent the past weekend together and it was great. We had one minor argument that we were able to bury very quickly. R talk was kept to a minimum.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I have to admit something. I am having very real bouts of anxiety regarding my sitch. The feeling is almost the same as the feeling of loss I felt after BD, which is very odd to me. It comes and goes, but when it happens I want to run and break up with my XW.
I had some of it happen to me yesterday. I was driving home and I realized how much my ex-GF actually understood me as a person and I wanted to call her, just to talk to her again. I didn't, of course. That would have been really inappropriate.
And here is another thing. We had a conversation about how she could make me feel more secure about our relationship. So now she js trying really hard to make me feel comfortable. She tells me ILY multiple times a day and has been complimenting me a whole lot. I know it's... Kinda forced? Only because now she will say things to reassure me but I'm not 100% if she means them. What a mind f.
Oh yeah, and on top of all of this, something makes me want to leave the relationship. I can't explain this urge to quit, but it is there. My XW is trying pretty hard to win me over and I am thinking about leaving her? For what? Something easier, I'm assuming? I'm confused by my own feelings.
Ugh.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Joe, you know I recently went through this. Are you guys still living together? I don't think you are.
If I were in your shoes, I would run and not look back. If I were D'd from my W and she came back she'd find that door closed. Do I love her? Yes. Immensely. But what I've found this past year was love for myself! I just told Manta, I am AMOAFWL. I am awesome. I know my own worth.
If you do R with her make hre do the work! Make her chase you. Make her agree to your boundaries. Otherwise, break the chain and don't look back!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
P.S. No one would blame you for cutting bait and running. The end of a marriage is a traumatic event. Not wanting to be with the person that did that to you is something no one could question. Find your own power! Then do what YOU want to do.
I envy you. In your shoes I'd be on dating sites being a picky dater! Oh, and I'd go dutch for the first few events to weed out the gold diggers!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve - aren't you projecting a tad bit too much from what you recently went through onto Joe? Didn't Sandi and Blu just put up a huge thread on what piecing in and how it's incredibly difficult? I find your response very very strange.
Steve, you're correct. I am D and we are no longer living together. I feel like I am exploring this because if I didn't I'd always have that regret. I certainly was not expecting it to happen.
I will say that as far as dating goes, it has been pretty good. We had the one blow up over me hanging out at the same party that my exGF showed up at, but we got through that very quickly compared to how it would have gone during our MR. She would have brooded and brooded over it before. Also, I would have been REALLY upset during our MR. This argument was over and done with before lunch the next day, and I had a very detached approach. I stated my facts and that was that. She could accept the truth or she could remain mad at me.
Anyhow. I am trying my best to remain rational.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
