Thanks Sia! There are of course exceptions, but I agree with you that most of our spouses took the easy way out. It's easier to cut and run. Yes, our burdens are going to be different than theirs and we should own them and move forward. We are not innocent victims in this process and even though this reality is not deserved by the LBS, our contributions to the breakdown need to be understood so that we can become fuller human beings.
I have sought help from so many places and adopted mentors to assist me, including this community.
You have also come a long way and take solace in the fact that it is just going to get better from here. After getting through the immediate effects of BD, everything is an upswing.
Love and hugs to you and your kids. Hope you have a happy holiday season and get some time to rest and have peace of mind.
Your point about our contributions to the breakdown being understood is really important because it's easy to sound and feel like we were abandoned and our spouses were these horrible crazy people but in many cases there were real problems that led to a breakdown. The thing is that those problems could have been fixed if your spouse wanted to work on them with you. Simply packing up and leaving isn't ever the right thing to do unless there's a safety issue. But it's good for us all to see what we did wrong since we'll hopefully have a second chance with someone new someday and we don't want to make the same mistake.
Yes, I completely agree with you that the problems could have been addressed within the partnership. The thing that gets me the most, aside from this co-parent business, is that if that opportunity had been taken, the new relationship could've been way stronger and built on a much solid foundation. Alas, most of us don't get that opportunity in the moment.
I think that packing up and leaving, outside of circumstances of abuse, is the cowardly way out. I know I am making a judgment call there, but I truly feel that what you decide to do when things are going down the drain speaks to your character. In my case I also feel that W did abandon me - no prior notice, no nothing, and then one day BOOM - BD out of nowhere. But I know that the abandonment is 100% about them and not about you. Unfortunately, in my life I've had to face this a number of times from very close family and it was never about me.
The main reason about looking at ourselves is to truly understand who you are as a person. Most relationships, both parties caused the breakdown, even if one person decided to pull the plug abruptly. And if we look at ourselves with brutal honesty and self assess without judging ourselves, then we can chart a new future for ourselves with or without our partners. If I have learned anything from this board and life, it is that.
When people ask here about 'successful' reconciliations (where the relationship was restored and in piecing), the most common and obvious pattern is that the LBS did the following things - took accountability for their shortcomings, engaged in personal growth in professional and personal lives, walked the path of detachment and letting go, reduced contact and demolished any expectations, improved their emotional fitness, and got a life. It is about a complete mindset transformation and then following through with action.
So, that's what needs to happen. Because the outcome will always be you becoming a full human being and reclaiming your life - it's story and future trajectory. It creates empowerment and peace. I have never been at more peace in my life than I am now, and that is no small feat. For the first time in my adult life, I am excited about what my life is going to bring me. I don't recall being like this since I was a kid - full of hope.
This is completely achievable and not only that, it is a way better place to be.
When people ask here about 'successful' reconciliations (where the relationship was restored and in piecing), the most common and obvious pattern is that the LBS did the following things - took accountability for their shortcomings, engaged in personal growth in professional and personal lives, walked the path of detachment and letting go, reduced contact and demolished any expectations, improved their emotional fitness, and got a life. It is about a complete mindset transformation and then following through with action.
So, that's what needs to happen. Because the outcome will always be you becoming a full human being and reclaiming your life - it's story and future trajectory. It creates empowerment and peace. I have never been at more peace in my life than I am now, and that is no small feat. For the first time in my adult life, I am excited about what my life is going to bring me. I don't recall being like this since I was a kid - full of hope.
This is completely achievable and not only that, it is a way better place to be.
This is absolutely great stuff, Maika. Thank you for sharing your story and sticking around to help the rest of us. It is incredibly exciting to see you at the precipice of a new life, ready to dive headlong into whatever life may have in store for you.
May the new year bring many blessings!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Not having the best start to the day today. Just thought I'd come and journal here for a bit.
Recap: I initiated the separation agreement process and it's been going on. Waiting on documents from exW so that the lawyers can move it along.
This morning, received a long message from exW and she mentioned the D word and how we can move it along without the lawyers and jointly file an uncontested D. Just took my breath away really.
I started the separation agreement process leading towards getting the D done and intellectually worked through it all, but it's taken an emotional hit that I wasn't really expecting. I figured it would sting, but I am just in a bit of an emotional funk right now. I haven't responded back to her yet, but I don't have any objections to her suggestion.
I'm just feeling like a total failure right now - in life and marriage. I just never imagined that I'd be here in my relationship, life, and career - all of it not in an optimal place. I also don't have any family nearby; the closest being a 5 hour flight. Just feeling so alone and lost and without any back-up right now.
Just want to drown my emotions in a bottle right now, but I know it's not going to lead to anything good.
I know intellectually that I am working to turn all of this around - finances, career, my health, social network etc, but it's hard not to feel like I don't have any of my $hit together. Her bringing it up also has flooded me with thoughts of how she's just moved on and probably has someone already and didn't even give me a shred of a chance to make this work. It just really feels awful right now.
Unfortunately, I haven't built up enough calluses on my mind and heart to withstand this as of now. I know I am going to be okay and I have made a ton of progress, but just doesn't feel like that right now. It's a bit gloomy right now.
I'm also feeling a bit angry about all of this. I've just taken so many hits in my life and I just want to give up and stop trying to improve anything and accept that everything is going to suck and I might as well ride this life out until it ends. I am just so tired of being strong - I've had to do that for all my life for everyone else. Where is my cushion that I can fall into and be caught by someone else to take care of me and fold me in with their love? Ahhh!
I know that I am going to get through this. I always do. I am just cut up and raw today.
Sorry to hear about your bad day. It really is like riding the waves, isn't it?
One day I am fine, hoping and believing there might be a chance to reconcile.
Next day I am fine, still full of hope and believing I will move on happily, regardless of outcome...accepting that even after D, a joyful life is possible still.
Then, boom! A bad day of grief, missing the M, and thinking D will be the end of the world.
Nothing to do, is there, other than riding the waves with grace and dignity and a stronger sense of self?
