What I learned from Wife's MLC- Part2

[kiro]

Thanks AS for the support

That doesn't sound mild! Are you on A/D's? If not then consider talking to your doc, depression is nothing to be trifled with!

Yes, I am on A/D. I'm saying mild because I am actually getting out of bed and I am doing everything I need to do. I'm just not super excited and lack energy, but overall I'm Ok. I still go out, talk to people, etc. I was much worse a few months ago.

But I think I need to see my doc again and check the A/D I'm taking.

Yes it is tough! It's a learning experience but it can also be confusing, and challenging to process. I think one of the biggest things I struggled with was understanding that nothing was as it seemed. Before BD whenever I faced struggles in life I kind of fell back on my M as my rock. Not so much my W, but just my M, that was my foundation on which I knew I could always rely. Little did I know! So yeah, your W is on a journey but you are on one as well. It's a rough, rocky road and you are barefoot. But the farther you do down that road the tougher, smarter and wiser you get.

Isn't M supposed to be that safety place for a stable family? Is this wrong to feel like that?

But you're right... Sooner or later we need to understand that we are on our own anyway and need to get stronger. I am getting there but it's painful.

Well first, you may not have said it but she knows. Second, venting it at her might make you feel good at that moment in time, but it's not a long-term solution to your pain. Third, venting it to her will just create more resentment. So vent here or to your friends (not mutual friends) and leave her out of it.

Thank you. I know that subconsciously, but I needed to hear (read) it explicitly.

Definitely the latter. If I plant a number in your head you will start seeing it everywhere every day and will assign some cosmic significance to it. There's a lot of noise all around us every day and we filter it out, until we assign one particular thing importance, and then we seemingly see that one thing everywhere. But it was there before we started noticing it and will be there after.

Agreed.

[paco123]

K, everyone here can empathize.

I find solace in work, try to focus, yet throughout the day, I find myself needing to take deep breaths as another wave of grief hits me.

I call friends, meet with them, yet I know full well there is person I would much rather be with.

One of these friends suggested drawing inspiration from Nelson Mandela and his life in prison. I find much to learn from Mandela's advice: to appreciate small joys; to take pride in humble endeavors; to "keep one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward."

I have faith your strength of character will get you through this, K.

[sandi2]

Overall, I am not feeling too well these days. I am falling into mild depression again. I have a hard time getting out of bed, I have zero motivation about work.

Please take these signs of depression seriously. See your doctor and explain the symptoms. You may need to take anti-depressants for awhile. There is no shame in taking AD's. If you've never suffered from depression, it may not be like you imagined. Losing interest and/or motivation, feeling weak......and not wanting to get out of bed is a big flag. Changes with sleep, appetite, etc. are other signs. Some people may feel sad and cry easily, but some don't.

I also recommend seeing a therapist about all these unresolved issues and the emotions you have.

I realize that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. This NGS stuff combined with a lot of the other readings are making me question everything I know about relationships, core values, behavior, etc. It's very tough!

And it's confusing... I don't know anymore what love, kindness and generosity mean. How about selfishness?! It's all blurry for me right now.

What is the basis of your beliefs, core values, etc.? Were you raised to have strict moral standards? Do you follow some religious teachings? Something was the foundation that directed your code of conduct and formed you into being this man you are today.

I suggest you pull back on reading a lot of books right now. When you find yourself questioning everything, the "overload" signal is flashing in your brain........you just need to give it a rest.

I'm also finding out that I never dealt with my anger toward what my WW/WAW did. Since BD, I tried too hard to be kind and forgiving and I took all the blame on myself. I validated her feelings and ignored my own feelings.

And now you are experiencing the results, so ignoring your own pain and needs was not the path to take. Most of what you said in your post describes a man in need of professional help. ((hugs))

[kiro]

Hi everyone,

It's been more than a month, but it feels like an eternity. So much has happened in this month... Later, I will try and write another post detailing the main events.

The most important update is that, for the first since she left in Dec 2017, my W expressed she is open to reconciliation or at least

We were about to file the final papers for D a couple of weeks ago. Then things went sour, and we were about to go into a battle between our lawyers... Then, this happened...

More to follow...

[SoTorn]

I hope you are well. My WW is about to file and shes acting all sorts of weird. Asking me to live here with her after D etc.

[neffer]

So? We are waiting here...at least post a trailer...;-)

[kiro]

Back in Nov, we signed a settlement agreement with a mediator. W was then supposed to take an appointment with a lawyer to process all the final papers to file for D.

In Dec, she took the appointment with L and was pushing me to send all the paperwork quickly because she wanted to finish everything by Jan. She was even sending me threatening and intimidating emails that she will take me to court if I didn’t send my papers quickly.

I submitted everything and we took an appointment with L 2 weeks ago to sign the final papers. There was only a few details to amend regarding child support. I sent W the verbiage I suggested to amend the agreement. We spoke on the phone and she wanted to check with her L. This was 2 days before signature.

Remember we have been in No-Contact mode for over a year. Communication is only through texting and emails. She doesn’t answer my phone calls. When I really need to talk with her, I call my son and ask him togive her the phone.

Anyway, 1 day before signature, she sends an email to L and me cancelling the appointment and stating that the entire agreement is unfair and that she doesn’t feel protected. I knew right away that this was written by her L.

For the next week, we both went back to our Ls and many email exchanges trying to reach a resolution to this impasse.

Last Tuesday, she came to bring something to my S. I went out and asked her to talk. She refused and said she wasn’t ready, but I insisted. We spent about an hour in the car talking. The first half was the typical her blaming me for everything. I realized she was still in the same denial and hadn’t looked at her own issues. The second half hour was more constructive and we agreed to work together to amend the agreement instead of fighting.

Then, yesterday, I receive another email from her that she wants to restart mediation from scratch and renegotiate the entire deal.

I gathered my strength and courage and decided to call her (on my S’s phone). This is the 2.5 hours conversation that changed everything that has been going on for the past 2 years almost.

More to follow...

[ovrrnbw]

Cliffhangers on DB? Dude!!!

[kiro]

Our 2.5 hrs phone conversation started about the settlement agreement. I was very direct asking her what she was looking for. The conversation slowly changed from discussing the D agreement to discussing our relationship.

Basically, I asked her why she keeps changing her mind and I asked her if I intimidated her. She said Yes. She thinks I am intimidating and manipulative. She says that a big part of our issues is that I always won all of our arguments because I am better than her in debates. This is why she couldn’t be assertive during mediation and ask for her rights, although she also admitted that she also gave up some of “her rights” (mainly by asking for a very small alimony) because she was feeling bad for what she did to me.

We talked about communication issues and other bad habits and patterns during our M. It’s important to note that I admitted all my mistakes without any denial, but she doesn’t acknowledge hers. She kept talking about my mistakes and never mentioned hers, which is a concern and Red Flag.

I asked her if she was happy. Her answer was evasive, but she said enough to show that she wasn’t. I asked if she thinks we’re doing the right thing, and she said she wasn’t sure. She’s afraid she might not be happy after D and might regret it. She also admitted that we had a comfortable life before and that we had it all. And she acknowledged that I had changed a lot after BD and that I was a much better person during the last 6 months before she left in Dec 2017.

At some point, I asked how she was doing, about her work and masters. She then spent the next hour telling me all about her work challenges like someone in need to talk and vent out.

The open conversation naturally led me to ask her if she wanted to reconsider R. And to my surprise, she seemed open to it. She was actually worried that too much damage was done and that if we reconciled, I would bring it up in the future to shame her.

I suggested that we could meet with a MR therapist/counsellor to talk and see how we can improve our communication challenges and see where we could go from there. I said that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a reconciliation of the MR, but it will be helpful regardless. Either we’ll find out that we want to get back together or we’ll get closure and separate peacefully and be able to move on with our lives and coparent successfully.

She agreed and said while laughing that we hadn’t yet done any official filing anyway and that we could leave things pending for now. We kinda ended the call at that. She said she was happy we talked and we agreed that we’ll need to talk again to see where we go next.

[ovrrnbw]

We talked about communication issues and other bad habits and patterns during our M. It’s important to note that I admitted all my mistakes without any denial, but she doesn’t acknowledge hers. She kept talking about my mistakes and never mentioned hers, which is a concern and Red Flag.

Which is why you shouldn't have these talks with her IMO. She just gets to blame you and feel better, you get zilch. When and if she's ever ready to take responsibility, you'll find out.

A lot of pursuit behavior there, but we'll see how it pans out. Keep your expectations at 0 my man! I guess we'll see where this goes.

She was actually worried that too much damage was done and that if we reconciled, I would bring it up in the future to shame her.

So before she even apologizes and takes responsibility she's already worried that you're going to be too hard on her? C'mon! That's straight out of the WW bible.

I'd let her do the work of setting up MC, and if she doesn't care enough to do it, neither should you.