Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[DejaVu6]

(((Turbine))). You have to give yourself permission to let go Turbine. I agree with Steve. You need to go to an IC. And a trip to see your doctor wouldn’t hurt either. I started a medication for depression and anxiety just over a month ago. I think it has helped take the edge off my grief. Hard to say but your lack of sleep and stuckness tell me that you might benefit from some medication short term. If you find yourself spinning late at night, you could also call the crisis line...most communities have one, I think. It’s not counselling per say but it could help you to just get some things off your chest and it’s anonymous. Sorry you are feeling so miserable. It WILL get better if you start to focus on you and GAL. It just takes time and effort. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will eventually get there. (((HUGS)))

[Turbine]

Not exactly confident in any IC. My sister sees one and was encouraged to get a dog she can't take care of. We had a session as a family when kids were in school and that soured W on that route. Don't want to deal with the side effects from the meds. I will talk to my Dr. though.

Mentioned how I feel to my Dr. Most of this is because of this whole D thing. So maybe I am too much US and not enough me in my head/heart. Could argue my actions said otherwise to her. Fair enough. My fault again.
Stopped going to church with her and as a family. My fault.
Job changes due to fired/lay off. My fault.
Didn't retire from Navy. My fault. That wasn't a place I wanted to stay. Not professionally. W had pictures of a guy in our house. Yeah... bf type. Our oldest D remembers. So why am I trying.

So messed up. You know. Kick her out. Stack her stuff outside and change the locks.

I've been so bloody stupid. She has some standard I won't ever meet.

[Turbine]

Reading through DejaVu6's thread. Talking about GAL and detaching. Do stuff to take your mind off the sitch. Well I am at work and running on autopilot testing some meters. Pay attention right? Except I have tested maybe 200 or so of these to date. So yeah... almost sleep through the testing.

So I have way too much time to dwell on all the my faults, what if, I love her, etc...

Fly Solo commented that if they want the D you wold have the paperwork. Well I have the paperwork. Have met the lawyer and she is intent on proceeding.

So is any DB effort just for me? *chorus* Yes!!!

That future isn't the one I want. It looks like the future I am forced into. Not too good at this fake it...

I don't hate her. Quite the opposite. Just makes it tougher. Pretty sure all she sees is needy. I am trying to not be and make progress on Turbine 2.0.

So further reading. DnJ commented on making decisions based on convictions and not feelings. I have been reacting from feelings. How much of this is because I tried being not true to myself. Possibly still not true to myself... Brings up some thoughts about society and some of the garbage going on there.

Yet as much as I want this to be over and back in a happy loving marriage to my Mahal. I said WANT, not need. How much does that distinction mean? An indication my mindset is shifting oh so slowly? Something to cheer? Or to dread?

Far to many questions. About what happened. Where this ends. What I am trying to do and accomplish. Got lots of questions about rediscovering my relationship with Christ. I am trying to be honest in these efforts. God and my wife both will know the truth even as I struggle with it.

Session with the trainer tonight at the gym. Not much of a distraction from her. Not helping wear me out either. I am calmer so it will continue.

So that was written yesterday and now after having shoveled the driveway I can get to the other tasks for today. Plus note I have my cardio out of the way. Okay, the bulk of it.

Feel like I have pulled myself back to the beginning. How much of what I am doing is for me and not for her? Right now I have no real idea.

Sort of threw faith related questions in that theme at the minister. Am I lying to myself in my effort to return to the church? Might be able to fool myself and the people there, but fool God?

So based on what I put here I think I am doing something wrong.

I want my wife. I want the marriage. It has been a long time to try and really think of me separate from US. So I really need to be me and can want the rest yet not there yet.

[Cadet]

So I have way too much time to dwell on all the my faults, what if, I love her, etc...

So really loving her means that you can let her go.

If she comes back then she is yours if not then she really never was.

[Davide]

Turbine,

Hang in there.

You need to find something that you love to do. You mention sleepwalking through your work, and everything else is in your head. I've been there, the endless cycling of thoughts, the regrets, the pain.... it can feel overwhelming, but it doesn't serve any purpose. You need to find things that take you out of that. That's why GAL is so important - family and friends that you can share a good conversation with, exercise to work your body hard enough to shut up the brain, getting out socially to a church function, or even a bar. For me it is yoga, rock climbing, and bike riding, but it doesn't matter what it is, just find what works for you. You won't want to do any of it at first, but you have to force yourself. It will feel unnatural like you are faking it, but you have to force yourself. Action precedes motivation - once you get out there and start doing it you will actually feel better and more motivated.

And, I would also add that IC can be extremely helpful. I certainly found benefit from it. There are some really great strategies used in cognitive behavioral therapy that can help when dealing with the tidal wave of emotions and spiraling thoughts.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. It does get easier with time.

[Turbine]

So I have way too much time to dwell on all the my faults, what if, I love her, etc...

So really loving her means that you can let her go.

If she comes back then she is yours if not then she really never was.

That's the real test isn't it... I pray I am strong enough to be telling the truth there. I pray that she comes back. Not sure I am strong enough if she doesn't. Time will tell and with help from the source of all miracles...

Turbine,

Hang in there.

You need to find something that you love to do. You mention sleepwalking through your work, and everything else is in your head. I've been there, the endless cycling of thoughts, the regrets, the pain.... it can feel overwhelming, but it doesn't serve any purpose. You need to find things that take you out of that. That's why GAL is so important - family and friends that you can share a good conversation with, exercise to work your body hard enough to shut up the brain, getting out socially to a church function, or even a bar. For me it is yoga, rock climbing, and bike riding, but it doesn't matter what it is, just find what works for you. You won't want to do any of it at first, but you have to force yourself. It will feel unnatural like you are faking it, but you have to force yourself. Action precedes motivation - once you get out there and start doing it you will actually feel better and more motivated.

And, I would also add that IC can be extremely helpful. I certainly found benefit from it. There are some really great strategies used in cognitive behavioral therapy that can help when dealing with the tidal wave of emotions and spiraling thoughts.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. It does get easier with time.

Social events at church are interesting... last one was the married couples... oh the irony eh. That 's the one I brought the cabbage roll soup to.

As far as drinking... I don't but the local Irish themed sports pub has good food and the waitresses are frinedly. They ask me my regular drink (Arnold Palmer) and can pretty much repeat my order based on the night of the week. Not interested in more than friends at best. Not now, maybe never.

I like the work I do and the guys for the most part. Music selection has much to be desired. So Foxtrotting tired of the Beatles, Michael Jackson, The Bee Gees... how about some songs with some testosterone in the lead singer? Something by Johnny Cash, Louie Armstrong, Josh Turner, Keith Whitley, Bach, Benny Goodman, Glen Miller, etc.

Yeah maybe I am an old soul.

I have been hitting the gym. Not my first choice but I have my reasons beyond W. Not wanting to end up like my father being most prominent. Okay... get rid of the Dad bod too. If Mahal walks away then I will be in better physical shape and possibly beating women off with a stick (metaphorically). New hobby can come of that, Kendo. Maybe meet a nice Japanese lady who can dress me down like a side of beef with the bamboo sword they use. Got to dream right? Truthfully... I hope that never happens.

[Jlh]

Man DejaVu6, your post really spoke to me! I have off days and better days but I'm doing to work harder at better days even more.

Besides being dumped, I was left with horrible money issues that make me want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, but I have a child who needs me so I need to fight my butt off. (thumbs up)

[Jlh]

You can do this Turbine! I know how you feel with not wanting to let go. The little quirks and inside jokes and such with your spouse, I keep thinking back to happy times and feel so lost. It is not easy but we have to move forward.

Every morning I getup with anxiety and go to bed exhausted from work and childcare. Its SO hard to not think about my H and what could be making him treat me this way but I need to forget that and take care of me. He left me with a child, pets, a house and so much debt it makes me want to just hide in bed all day but I need to keep going.

You can do this, we can all do it together here. Every morning you get up and get moving you're a bit tougher. I believe in you!

[AnotherStander]

That future isn't the one I want. It looks like the future I am forced into. Not too good at this fake it...

Yes, I think we can all sympathize! Yanked out of our comfortable lives with fairly predictable futures and thrown into something new with a blank, unknown future; and all done completely outside of our consent. All we can do is make the best of it. I've said this before but I love my life. I work hard but I have a lot of fun too. I have a lot of independence now. So am I happy I got divorced? No not at all. If I was offered this path or staying in the M for life, I would have chosen the M. Not because it would have been better than what I have now, I don't know that. But because of who I am, my principals. I would have stayed true to them if given the choice. But I wasn't and neither were you. So go out there and teach life who's boss

Feel like I have pulled myself back to the beginning. How much of what I am doing is for me and not for her? Right now I have no real idea.

It doesn't matter, just keep doing it. Eventually it'll ALL be for you. Be patient with yourself!

Sort of threw faith related questions in that theme at the minister. Am I lying to myself in my effort to return to the church? Might be able to fool myself and the people there, but fool God?

So based on what I put here I think I am doing something wrong.

You are doing fine! These questions are normal and part of the recovery process. You have to go through a period of rethinking everything- your goals, your perceptions, your faith/ spirituality, your place in the universe. It's normal.

[Turbine]

Posting from a tablet or my phone is such a awkward way to do this. I'll make it work.

So over the weekend while I was at the gym I got talked into taking a freebie class. Extra cardio, flexibility, steps, weights, that kind of stuff. I kept up pretty well considering. So the class was last night. Place was busy with the post NYE resolution keepers. So I changed to head home.

W was out there doing her warm up. I suspect she is taking the class I just went through. Yes, so tempting to verify. Tempting to join that class. No... that would be a bad idea to do that on my own. Far better if she invited me. I would go too.

What I did do was walk past her with out a word. That hurt... Nothing was mentioned about it later at home. I really hate this roommate stage. Part of me doesn't want it to end. Part of me doesn't want it to continue either. Yes, have it end how I want.

To be honest though this morning I woke up and felt... nothing. We need to converse and get the house worked on. There is so much in the house... lot of it not mine or my responsibility. Lawyers want us to get an appraisal done. If we do with the house the way it is... we will be lucky to break even.

Guess I have to face that dragon and sit down with her. I told her I won't pack her stuff. Won't mess with it because that is so petty and counterproductive.

All in all I am not sure if this is a place is a normal point on this journey. I am sure I don't like this feeling or lack of...