TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Amen. Stay strong TJT. It’s not a temp check, but it is bait. He’s not getting the usual TJT reaction so he’s fishing. It ain’t over until it’s over.

Don’t tell him you don’t want it. Just take each step as it comes. Cold, rational, surgical. Hit the gym extra hard to cope.

Burned! Nice to see you again. I know I haven't been that active for a short minute after my trip and I know everyone is kinda getting back into the swing of things after the holidays. Anyway, I am going to check your thread later tonight or tomorrow, depending (I'm still packing for tomorrow). In general, hope you're doing okay.

With regard to your comment, what do you think he's fishing for? I agree with you that it's something, I just can't place what.

Being sick has been driving me nuts because I haven't been able to work out or even do yoga (not an excuse, I've felt totally flu-like despite not having the flu apparently). I am packing gym clothes to hopefully get some blood pumping this coming week with my coworkers while we're staying at our hotel, and hoping I feel good enough to make it worth the while.

Long-term I have been thinking hard about how to come up with a plan to work out in a way that I like and can be consistent with. I won't get into all my issues now (I mentioned my bicep tendon issue briefly before) but regardless I know I need to figure something out so, that's definitely on my list of to-dos as I start getting my energy back (and stop traveling as much, I've kinda been on the road on and off for a month now too).

[Yail]

Ok, I think I'm seeing how you two fit together a bit clearer now. Not in a bad way! Just getting to know you and your personality and his a bit too.

Thank you Yail. I do agree my self-awareness helps me a lot. I just get stuck in trying to figure out the psychological process of my H, and therefore what the best response on my side will be ("best" meaning most effective).

and

but from what I know about my H he's all about rationalizing on "technicalities" to justify things, especially when he's feeling guilty.

It sounds like you two are playing mindgames right now. Want to know how to make it stop? Remove yourself from the game. Do not speculate where he is at or his motivations. Did you ever think you would be in this situation with him? No. Because this is not the man you married. He is someone else right now, so you have to stop guessing his end-game or his process.

I know you are feeling powerless in all of this, but you are not powerless. Doing nothing is a conscious action. Doing nothing is a choice. Doing nothing = doing something. So don't feel like you're just sitting back without control - what you are actually doing is removing yourself from the chaos with a "que sera sera" mentality.

So yeah, I know he knows I didn't want this, back when everything first happened. But even though he doesn't have solid PROOF otherwise, I'm afraid (as I've always been) that even if he did have second thoughts or had thought about maybe trying to get back together, he would give himself some self talk like "she doesn't care anymore and you'll only make a fool of yourself by trying to see if she'd consider reconciling" or "you've hurt her so bad, we could never recover even if I wanted to", etc.

I talked about this in my thread before and I can't remember where we ended up with it, but basically I feel like I need to amend the original "I don't want this" with "I don't want this, *and I'm always willing to talk to you about it even if we get divorced in the meantime; even if you do really terrible things, etc. etc."

Sorry, 2x4 here. Do you want a half of a husband? Because that's all these actions could lead to. Him coming back out of guilt or because it's easier. No. You want someone who actively chooses you. Is it a bit hard or uncomfortable for him to come back? GOOD. Because he needs to know that if he comes back to you he has to fight a bit for it because you are worth that, and your potential R is worth that. If H comes back it will be because he wants that more than the discomfort of admitting he was wrong. You shouldn't put up road blocks for his path home, but you can't go get him and lead him back either. Telling him your feelings is pursuit - it's "going to get him". All you can do is leave the path clear then back the *bleep* away and do your own thing.

Let him justify walking away. It just means he is fighting with himself.

[DejaVu6]

(((TJT)))

Gosh this is soooo hard TJT. I really, really understand how you feel but I want to encourage you to reread your post as if you are reading someone else’s thread and think about what advice you would give that person. I know this is so ridiculously painful and confusing and unexplainable BUT it is what it is. For whatever reason, your H, the one you loved and who loved you in return, is gone and this other person is in his place. Maybe your H is in there somewhere and maybe he isn’t. He seems to have made a decision though just as my H has. He could have made a hundred other decisions but he did not. It feels awful...being abandoned with no warning...it is a pain I hope I NEVER have to feel again. You really have to stop trying to mind read and make decisions based on what you think or hope your H is feeling or not feeling. He may one day regret his decision and want to R and he may not. I don’t think anything you say or do right now is going to affect that outcome. He knows you don’t want this and honestly, by filing first, he probably respects you a bit more than he did before. Regardless...you need to take the focus off of him and put it back on you. You can do this. I know you can. We can do it together. (((HUGS)))

[TJT]

Okay... yes, you guys are right, and I know this, I just needed to hear it I think and reinforce that I am doing the right thing, especially when it comes to a specific interaction like this vs. the hypothetical speak we usually talk about here. It feels so easy to screw up a real-time interaction so quickly.

The things you guys are saying do constantly cross my mind, and I have to keep it at the forefront that if he REALLY wants this, he will put his shame and whatever else aside to make it work, and if he wants to R but never does because of that, it's because he hasn't done the work he needs to anyway.

DV, I also appreciate what you said about him potentially respecting me more for filing first. I thought of that as well, but then I reminded myself that his first W also filed (after quite some time as well) and I know for sure that he didn't respect her one bit. Two different people and situations, and their relationship was much shorter, so maybe it's different in this sitch but then again I thought that about our whole M and clearly that was false thinking so who knows... if anything, I haven't actually acknowledged to him that I know he's living with OM and all this stuff my MIL had told me, so I hope maybe me filing did cause some extra thinking on his part about the reality of things (and give him a hint that I know parts of his reality that he may not think I know). But yeah, as if it matters to him at this point which we all agree it doesn't, at least not enough.

I just made myself a little dinner and all the while I was thinking about this and telling myself that I literally need to think of the pain I'm feeling right now like I'm a crack addict, not sadness about losing my H. It is my mind playing tricks on me wanting to pursue, just like a druggie needing a hit. Do I want to be a crackhead? HELL NO. So okay, feel this way if that's what it takes to get me clean. Oh man, it's absolutely so hard. No doubt the hardest thing WE'VE ever done, that I can't believe there's more than a few of us who some out of it alive.

[DejaVu6]

Hopefully we come out of it more alive than we were before we went in it. That’s my hope anyway. Things really s*ck right now, no doubt, but I have to believe that if we do the work, we will be way better people... much better than our WAS who are definitely NOT doing the work. Interesting that your H did this to his first wife and waited her out as well. My H also did this to his first wife. My MIL told me that she (his first wife) had absolutely NO idea that anything was wrong until he told her he wanted a divorce. She was apparently beyond devastated. All of their contact after that was through lawyers and they met once a year later for a conversation in order to have “closure” that my H said was “rough”. While he was looking for an exit, she was apparently talking about having kids. He told me that he realized he needed to go because he didn’t want to have kids with her. I feel like she dodged a HUGE bullet and I stepped right in its path. Oh...and when I mentioned the similarities between the two sitches (i.e. bomb and run), my H got quite defensive saying it was a “completely different” situation. Hmm...me thinks he doth protest too much.

[TJT]

Hi everyone.

You’re going to be so proud.

Long story short something happened while I was on business with my friend/coworker a few weeks ago where I was convinced to download a stupid dating app! I have so many thoughts and feelings about this but I’m typing from my phone so I want to cut to the past few days where I have now had two dates with someone I found there!!

At first we texted until like 2 am, met the next day for dinner, and this evening he came to my house WITH HOMEMADE TACOS. We had an UNO face off and then talked for a few hours where I found out he used to take a salsa class but never had a partner, which I have always wanted to do! He said he would totally do it together with me.
He is very respectful of me and moving very slow, aside from being eager to see me, as I am with him haha.

I have no idea if this will turn into something serious and I have so many questions about dating in general, but the most important thing is I DONT GIVE TWO CRAPS ABOUT H RIGHT NOW! I know it’s possible for me to get hurt again but I am seeing that it’s also possible for someone else to care about me again and that is going to do wonders for my future.

More later.. but wanted to report how I’m GALing the F out of this thing

[Ready2Change]

I thought you were still married.

[DejaVu6]

Happy for you TJT. Just be careful... go slow. It is pretty easy to let yourself get caught up in the newness and excitement and give your brain something else to focus on. If you don’t want this to be a “rebound”, tread carefully. (((HUGS)))

[AnotherStander]

At first we texted until like 2 am, met the next day for dinner, and this evening he came to my house WITH HOMEMADE TACOS. We had an UNO face off and then talked for a few hours where I found out he used to take a salsa class but never had a partner, which I have always wanted to do! He said he would totally do it together with me.
He is very respectful of me and moving very slow, aside from being eager to see me, as I am with him haha.

Please just be very, very careful. The dating sites are clogged with predatory men that know just the right things to say to pull someone in that's on the rebound. Many of them are just addicted to trying to get a new woman in the sack, as soon as that is done (or maybe two or three more times for grins) they cut all contact and are chasing the next target. Obviously that can be very devastating to the woman that was targeted. So keep your guard up. Don't be so quick to trust someone. I read that and can't help but wonder if he bought the HOMEMADE TACOS somewhere local, and how many other women he has woo'd with those same tacos. There's a place about 5 minutes from me that I buy fantastic homemade tacos from. EDIT- I just realized how this sounds, no I do not imply to anyone that I personally made the tacos if I am serving them at my house, LOL!

More later.. but wanted to report how I’m GALing the F out of this thing

If you think you are ready to date then go for it, but dating isn't GAL'ing. That's not what we mean in the context of these forums.

[Ready2Change]

Please just be very, very careful. The dating sites are clogged with predatory men that know just the right things to say to pull someone in that's on the rebound. Many of them are just addicted to trying to get a new woman in the sack, as soon as that is done (or maybe two or three more times for grins) they cut all contact and are chasing the next target.

Yes, be very aware of this. They are very cunning.