Read the valuation thread. When she pulls these "we have to talk" discussions listen and validate. Debating her will get you no where. You're not dealing with a rational creature right now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yep, read that validation link. Memorize a few good validating statements.
Be prepared for her to overplay your faults, rewrite history, and totally throw you under the bus. Don't get sucked in to her games and fight back, act from your values.
Also, it's important to remember the truth. I've heard so many lies that I nearly forgot what was true anymore. It's a popular political technique b/c it works. Just repeat a lie enough times that people think it's true.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
HM- have you read DR yet? Please read it, it'll help you navigate these situations. Right now your W is two feet out the door. It's pointless to talk to her about anything other than the weather because she will lie, accuse, deny and get irate. If she pushes for an R talk then you do two things- listen and validate. That's it! Easy peasy, right? LOL! Yeah it's not easy, you're going to be very tempted to explain/ justify/ reason/ negotiate/ argue/ clarify. DON'T DO IT. She's on a journey (which may eventually circle back to you), the best way you can help her along that journey is to get out of the way. Anything and everything you do is akin to stepping in front of her and blocking her from that journey. That will just make her angry and frustrated. So get out of the way. Give her time and space, remove all pressure. Forget about being a great husband right now, she doesn't want that. Just be a great father.
Before you do anything related to her or say anything to her, ask yourself: is this applying or removing pressure? If it is applying pressure don't do it or say it.
The less pressure you put on her the less she will be inclined to run the other direction.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Next questions.. Which are going to sound odd, but its whats she would expect of me / our relationship in the past..
Three things have bobbed up this morning on the limited conversation i had when i walked out of the door..
1st - We have always watched a particular TV program together, which i download from the states ( its not shown in the UK ) - The new series has just started - Obviously i detached last week and havent been in the same room since i started posting here. Now i have the new episode of this ( she knows it was on TV ) , and she expects to watch it tonight.. So how do i handle this ? Watch it myself in the kids playroom ? - do i give her a copy for her to watch on her own in the main room ? or Say i couldnt get a copy yet to avoid looking like i am being nasty - then just watch myself when she is out on saturday night ? -
2nd - She told me her car has a "low Oil" warning. Again, no issue.. I would normally fix. There is a tub of oil in the garage.. Should i just do it.. Or again, play the tough love card and leave the oil by the garage door and tell her to sort?
3rd - Her car ECU warning light also came up on her car a week ago. I have fobbed her off a few times about looking at it, but she is on my case to sort it ASAP.. In the past, i would sort. I have the ECU diagnostic software and reader etc.. And i dont want her stranded if it breaks down, as this impacts on the children / school runs etc. I am inclinded to say take it to a garage, but feel she will just stick the bill on the credit card ( shared account at the moment and she needs to go into a bank branch to remove, which she wont do ) - Or it will just get her back up re the negotiations on house price and shared parenting.. So i'm kind of damded if i do / dont..
In a LET GO mindset, i feel i should say "sort these yourself" - But on the other hand, if my next door neighbour or somebody at work asked for my help on any of the 3 above, i would sort / try to sort, as its little skin of my nose..
thoughts
Thanks
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
So how do i handle this ? Watch it myself in the kids playroom ? - do i give her a copy for her to watch on her own in the main room ? or Say i couldnt get a copy yet to avoid looking like i am being nasty - then just watch myself when she is out on saturday night ? -
Just tell her "I have the new XYZ show and plan on watching it X night, you're welcome to join if you wish." In DR Michele talks about how it's OK to ask a WAS along for something if you do it in such a way that's it's clear that you are going to do it whether or not she joins. IE, if she joins then fine, but if she doesn't then you go ahead and watch it anyway.
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2nd - She told me her car has a "low Oil" warning. Again, no issue.. I would normally fix. There is a tub of oil in the garage.. Should i just do it.. Or again, play the tough love card and leave the oil by the garage door and tell her to sort?
Did she actually ask you to fix it or did she just say the warning is on? If she says something like this then respond "OK, let me know if you need help with that." Some would say just don't help her period, but personally I subscribe to the "keep the way home paved and smooth" philosophy when still living under the same roof. But don't just automatically do it, wait for her to ask for help.
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3rd - Her car ECU warning light also came up on her car a week ago. I have fobbed her off a few times about looking at it, but she is on my case to sort it ASAP.. In the past, i would sort. I have the ECU diagnostic software and reader etc.. And i dont want her stranded if it breaks down, as this impacts on the children / school runs etc. I am inclinded to say take it to a garage, but feel she will just stick the bill on the credit card ( shared account at the moment and she needs to go into a bank branch to remove, which she wont do ) - Or it will just get her back up re the negotiations on house price and shared parenting.. So i'm kind of damded if i do / dont..
I'd say you are accurate there on all counts. Again if she's asking for help then I would do it. But you have to have no expectations that it'll change anything. Again it's about keeping the way home smooth and reminding her what she will be missing. Now if you separate then it would be a different matter on things like this.
I just went back and read your first post and may back down from some of what I just suggested. Is your GF actively engaged in an affair? You mentioned some flirty messages with a few different OM's but I'm not clear on if that's still ongoing. If so then sometimes it's best to go as dark as possible. Basically do nothing for them and have nothing to do with them. Otherwise you are just feeding their cake-eating.
Until Monday i dont think so and i have no reason to think that she has had a PA in any way- her routine hasnt changed from the Norm in the last few months.. Apart from going out more over xmas - but her friends are all the same and "tag" "tag" "tag" away on facebook.. So i know she is out drinking due to all the social media crap.
The EA is ongoing - Just daily whatsapps messaging - She bumped into "guy 1" on a night out and she speaks to the new guy "guy 2 " at the gym.. But i cant think of a time when she has had the chance to meet them. Just a lot of messaging and deletion... So i had zero reason to suspect anything physical until yesterday / today...
I think me going out this weekend and refusing the disclose where i was going was the straw that broke the camals back and she assumed i was seeing a girl.
She went out on monday night and told me she was seeing her friend - i knew she was lying and she is meeting this friend next week ( which is true ) .. I also clocked on monday night that her dirty knickers were at the top of the linen basket - She would normally change them the next morning after a shower - never in the evening . One tuesday morning she took her usual shower she threw another pair on top of them.. So she has changed her knickers on monday night before leaving - sorry to go into so much detail.. But its a fact and not usual. I wasnt even looking for this - just realised on monday night when i came to put my clothes in the linen basket and, and saw her knickers on top of everything..
Then this AM i checked her call records as my daughter was on her phone ( hence unlocked ) - ( i know its going against detachment ) and she called "guy 1" within minutes of leaving the house on monday night ( on the drive i suspect as it was 1 minute after she left the house ) - duration was 29 seconds.. So i'm assuming that she was letting him know she was on her way - She returned 2 hours later...
So unless she is playing her own mind games ( as she is careful usually to delete everything, so i do wonder why she didnt delete the call to him - unless in the excitement she overlooked it ) i suspect they met.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
AS advice is good. However, tough love in dealing with WWs sometimes requires being tough.
1) I like AS' response here. But I also like downloading. Watching it. When she asks, "Hey did you ever DL the newest episode?" "Yes I did." "When are we watching it?" "I already did, but you are welcome to watch anytime you'd like,"
2) "My low oil light is on!' "That's not good, you should be sure to sort that out as soon as you can."
3) "My ECU light is on." "That might be something serious, you should probably take it in to get checked out."
helpme, if you worked for a company.....and they fired you, would you still answer their phonecalls? Would you still do the work they had been paying you for? Would you be at the company's beckon call?
Your W has fired you as her H. Yet she is still trying to get all of the benefits you provide as her H. She needs to understand what life with you is about.
If you are concerned about the credit cards and shared finances, speak to your attorney (I believe on your side of the pond that refer to it as solicitor) to see what is legal for you to do. Your goal should be to split finances as much as possible as soon as possible, but only do so with your attorney's guidance. Since you are not married this may be easier to do.
I'd suggest tough love in your case because she has such a short trigger with "I am taking the kids and leaving!". She is manipulating you. She is nice and polite when she wants something. And then mean and nasty when she doesn't get her way. You are dealing with a grown woman that has reverted to 14 year-old behavior. And therefore must be handled like a 14 year-old.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, when she questions you on "why aren't we watching it together anymore?" "Why aren't you taking care of my car anymore", it is perfectly fine to just tell her bluntly. You've fired me as your partner, all of that is things a partner in a committed relationship would handle.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
