To understand MLC more, I've been steeping myself in literature on Carl Jung's theories on individuation. For those of us at a certain age, this is a period where we and our spouses reexamine the old truths and find out which ones we embrace authentically.
For familial and personal reasons, my W never quite achieved healthy individuation, which has led to certain resentments and annoyances as she expected me to live a life not authentically mine...and blaming me for her unhappiness.
At least that's my hypothesis, but to quote Nat King Cole again, "they try to tell me I'm too Jung."
Personally I think MLC is a misnomer. It is not a crises, but a transition. It is a transition that we all necessarily go through (at a certain age) - like Shakespeare 7 stages of man and the transition from young man (stage 4) to middle aged (stage 5). Some of us move into stage 5 kicking and screaming and crises ensues, and others transition smoothly. But we all must go through it. What determines how much damage is caused is how happy we are in ourselves and also, and this is to your point, what our own childhoods were like. Because the transition will make you question everything (who am I, who do I want to be, have I lived my life the way I wanted to, is this the life I want for myself, is this all there is) and if you are unhappy or a person who is prone to unhappiness, then you are in for a hell of ride.
For me, my H's transition has forced a transition on me. I have asked the same questions of myself. And I have come (am coming) out the other side a better, fuller person. I know who I am and I know who I want to be. I have become more spiritual, more mindful and less concerned with the material. To use your words. I am becoming my authentic self.
A quote (as you are an appreciator of quotes ;)) that has seen me through my darkest times and has allowed me to understand myself and also my H better:
“Beauty is truth, truth beauty, —that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know” (Keats)
For me this quote means, truth, like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It is not absolute and it is impermanent. My truth is not his truth. My truth will change with time and understanding. As will his. It also means (and from what I recall from senior school english, this is the accepted meaning) look for beauty in all things because that is where you will find truth. Appreciate beauty because, like truth, it too is impermanent.
One thing I AM holding myself accountable for is that, understanding we all must go through transitions, I know I did not do enough to create the safe emotional space my W needed to go through (indeed, is going through) her transition.
Perhaps your H was looking for this from you as well?
For me, it's always a tough balance between recognizing W is responsible for her own happiness, and feeling badly I did not do enough to create the environment so she could navigate her way towards happiness within the M.
One more word on the subject related to monogamy. Those that do not believe in monogamy SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED. Marriage implies monogamy. Even those in "open marriages" aren't really married, they are just living with a roommate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To understand MLC more, I've been steeping myself in literature on Carl Jung's theories on individuation. For those of us at a certain age, this is a period where we and our spouses reexamine the old truths and find out which ones we embrace authentically.
For familial and personal reasons, my W never quite achieved healthy individuation, which has led to certain resentments and annoyances as she expected me to live a life not authentically mine...and blaming me for her unhappiness.
At least that's my hypothesis, but to quote Nat King Cole again, "they try to tell me I'm too Jung."
This is very interesting Paco, perhaps I will follow in your readings as well.
My personal belief/experience is that MLC is only really noted as a "crisis" when there is a major depression element. FS mentioned it being more of a "transition" that all must go through. This, to me, makes sense. Everyone goes through the transition of individuation, but if this time is met with a blockage and depression - that's when MLC becomes the more obvious crisis we observe.
To me, a theory's usefulness depends ultimately on its explanatory power.
My specific circumstances are: since W was 15, she has been in committed relationships; BD came after months of my travel, during which W lived alone for the first time in her life (kids all grown); W derives much self-definition from community, rather than self; W impatient when I respond to the world differently; W resentful of my career at times; W is middle aged, with all the attendant hormonal, career, and familial implications.
So: the theory of W's late-blooming individuation provides a lot of explanatory power for me. Midlife transitions, depression, and other "shadows" become crises only when anyone going through them loses the ability to see these for what they are: normal phases that most anyone goes through. With time, treatment, and self-awareness, the shadows need not terminate the M.
In your sitch, would you say that it is you that is undergoing a late-blooming individuation and that your W is having trouble dealing with this? But you also mentioned your W stating she "never lived the life she wanted." Does at least some of this strike you as true, and if so, in what way? If both of you are asking yourselves the big, existential questions, is there emotional space and trust for you to regard each other as something other than antagonists during this process? After a > 10 year, mutually supportive relationship, what changed, Yail?
To me, a theory's usefulness depends ultimately on its explanatory power.
My specific circumstances are: since W was 15, she has been in committed relationships; BD came after months of my travel, during which W lived alone for the first time in her life (kids all grown); W derives much self-definition from community, rather than self; W impatient when I respond to the world differently; W resentful of my career at times; W is middle aged, with all the attendant hormonal, career, and familial implications.
So: the theory of W's late-blooming individuation provides a lot of explanatory power for me. Midlife transitions, depression, and other "shadows" become crises only when anyone going through them loses the ability to see these for what they are: normal phases that most anyone goes through. With time, treatment, and self-awareness, the shadows need not terminate the M.
In your sitch, would you say that it is you that is undergoing a late-blooming individuation and that your W is having trouble dealing with this? But you also mentioned your W stating she "never lived the life she wanted." Does at least some of this strike you as true, and if so, in what way? If both of you are asking yourselves the big, existential questions, is there emotional space and trust for you to regard each other as something other than antagonists during this process? After a > 10 year, mutually supportive relationship, what changed, Yail?
Hmm, this might be tricky to answer because you're so eloquent and I'm stumbling through my theory
Also, I haven't yet done reading on individuation, so you may be able to poke holes in my theory if I'm misunderstanding it.
I don't think W is reacting poorly to my individuation. I think this is what she wanted all along - a full partner that is whole into themselves. Our R became based around her making all decisions and carrying that weight and responsiblity. If I had done GAL activities while married and returned home competent, happy, healthy, and willing to work through any trials we had I think we'd be in a different situation. I'm getting there now since S. In our R my emotions were dependent on her emotions - she set the tone, and I was always reactive. It was too much weight for her to carry.
This was a newer behavior, and I can't identify how it slipped into our R. I had a major fear of rocking the boat. Well, now the boat is rocked. And once your worst fear comes true you kind of lose all your fear. So I know I won't do that again.
The "never lived the life she wanted" does strike me as true, but in a script kind of way. She has worked hard for what she has. But now that she has it she is questioning if she ever sought out all that is available to her in life. She mentioned that she has always done what was expected of her (good job, work hard, better job, house, spouse etc.). So now that she has those things, I think she's wondering if they're what she actually wanted, or if she was just playing into the script.
After our 10+ years the pieces that I feel changed are:
1) W pulled away emotionally and I didn't ask why for a long time. I left her hanging when what she really wanted was for me, her partner, to try to step in and at least offer support, and to see what she needed. This is on me. I just assumed she'd work through her struggles privately.
2) I wonder if the timing of the fact that BD happened about 6 months after we got M means anything. In some ways, that's the final "check box" for us. We weren't going to have kids. So now that everything is achieved - what now?
3) The major other piece is W had an exciting opportunity on the horizon and I was not supportive. This is also on me. As the S I should have supported her enthusiasm even if I had reservations. We should have talked about it. I stupidly and unexplainably stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would go away. This is an action I wish wholeheartedly I could have a do-over on.
My explanations here seem to point more towards WAW than MLC, so I'm not sure how connected they are to your theory. I think my situation is a bit of a combo. I think perhaps W in MLC, but had I handled myself as a full partner she would not have left but may have continued to work through herself while staying in the M. Just my own thoughts.
Yail, rather than trying to formalize things into categories or formalisms, it may be more useful to speak in life terms. Again, these are just my thoughts, so please check within yourself to see if they resonate, okay?
(1) "my emotions were dependent on her emotions" is long-term problematic, I think. A person secure in her own sense of self doesn't depend on the other for wholeness or joy. Your sitch is curious, because most people I've met who are not mainstream (and I do hope that being gay will no longer be considered not mainstream) are typically compelled to define themselves apart from society. But perhaps there are aspects of your individual history preventing you from the positive consequence of healthy individuation that demands this solid sense of self?
(2) We all wish we had do-overs. I read an interview with Harold Ramis in which he said that when he wrote "Ground Hog Day", the Bill Murray character had do go through thousands of iterations to "get things right." Yikes! It takes that amount of trial-and-error to get to be the well-grounded, integrated person we all aspire to be.
So yes, perhaps you could have been more supportive when she withdrew emotionally or when she went through her Talking Heads moment of telling herself: "this is not my beautiful house...this is not my beautiful wife...well, how did I get here?" But so could we all have been more responsive to our partners at one time or another.
I pray for you what I pray for myself: that my W gives me another 1001 chances to get it right, cause if W ever comes back, I know I will screw it up again. If W does not, then perhaps W ver2.0 will.
I will share with you what I told W last I saw her: I am offering her a grace-filled love, despite the pain she caused by walking away. (In my faith, grace has a specific meaning: to offer unconditional love to the undeserving.) If she cannot offer me same, we have no basis for the marriage I want.
Yail, I'll just say one thing in response to your last post: Don't be too harsh on yourself. It is good to discover what you could have done better, change your behavior going forward, and forgive yourself for the past. You can even decide to apologize for specific mistakes you have done. But don't try to imagine how she could have behaved if you had done this or done that. WASs have their own issues and can walk away even if their S did everything right...
Steve, re-monogamy, I really like what AS said on your Bezos thread: "I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband), ... to love and to cherish; from this day forward until I don't feel like it anymore." This is what my WW and many others do. They are monogamous until they want to be with someone else.
Re-MLC: My understanding is that there are stages that each one goes through during their life, and there is a necessary transition between each stage. What happens in midlife is that the people who have not fully completed previous stages fall into a crisis and relive their unresolved issues. So someone who still has issues from childhood or from adolescence will act as a child or as an adolescent until they resolve their issues and achieve the emotional maturity that they should have completed at the end of their childhood and/or an adolescence years. And that is exactly my W.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Once again I need to remind myself of the need for patience and to trust in the slow workings of my version of God.
W hand-delivered a letter to me last week. I thought it would be a "Dear John..." letter. Instead, it was a kind, thoughtful, and loving letter. For the first time since BD, she clearly took ownership over her situation. She apologized for not continuing with the IC she initiated many years ago. She explained some of the insights she has discovered regarding her childhood years that left an imprint on how she handles things. She apologized for causing me pain.
I responded via email with thanks and with my own apologies for not having the patience or skills to fully understand what was going on within her. I affirmed my wishes for her continued growth and happiness regardless of what happens.
I am not getting my hopes up. But I am continuing to give her space and to maintain distance beyond my initial email, which I thought the situation warranted.
When I pray, I sometimes rely on mental images. My mental image is that of a turtle, sticking its tiny, fearful nose out from within its shell. I pray for the patience and grace to create the safe space the turtle might need to emerge more fully. I am grateful for God's grace and feel impelled to try and offer the same to W. (Grace: unconditional love bestowed to the undeserving.)
