Self-compassion is what I am exercising right now. The old me would be beating myself up for the 'failures', but I know that I took serious account of my flaws and life circumstances and did the best I could do with the hand I was dealt. I could've done better, but I can't change the past.
Self-compassion is my biggest goal right now. I so understand the thoughts and feelings you have posted M. I have spent too much time since this started walking down the tunnel of "if only" as I know that there are things my H and I could have done early on to change this outcome if I had only known what he was really going through as opposed to what I thought he was going through. But I didn't so I just did the best I could with the information that I had. Regardless, I was always 100% committed to our marriage, 100% honest and 100% loyal. So, looking back, I have to be okay with the idea that what seemed like the right thing was possibly the wrong thing. And I say "possibly" because it is very possible that even if I had known the truth, we might still have ended up in this place. I like to think we wouldn't have but then again, I will never know. So I have to forgive myself and let it go. I am getting there and you are too. (((HUGS)))
Originally Posted by Joseph9
It will just remember it is much easier for a women to find a man in the dating world than it is for a man. It doesn’t mean she has found the right man or a good man but there are no shortages of men looking for sex.
Really? I always thought it was the other way around. Not the men looking for sex part but the finding a man to date part. I had always thought that because of sheer numbers, it would be much easier for a man to find another woman than vice versa.
As you know my situation and circumstances are similar to yours. We're all human and we need human connections to survive and thrive. I don't know where I'd be without my best friend who is a man even though he lives far away. Do you have any female friends that you trust? Even a female colleague or old friend from school? It's good to know you can make it on your own. It helps you to feel strong and resilient. But sometimes you need to be able to feel weak too, and grieve, and have closeness to someone that you trust. A caring female friend would be a nice cushion for you at this time. Someone to hold your hand and listen. Maybe cook your favorite meal and have a long all-night conversation. If that's not possible you can look forward to dating in the near future and to finding a woman who will love and cherish you all over again. You're much closer now than you were before. It's just hard because we're in such a transitional state right now. I relate to so much of what you're saying. I'll write more later!
Thanks for all the positive vibes folks. I definitely needed it.
AS I didn't pursue the S and D to snap her out and use it as a tactic. I thought I was intellectually and emotionally ready for it. Intellectually I know it's the right move for me, but emotionally, I didn't expect to have a reaction like this. I have played this scenario many times in my head, but it didn't prepare me for when it actually happened today. My whole life flashed before my eyes and all I could was failure, rejection, and struggle. My whole life just felt like I've wasted it. I am feeling better now but it's just adding up so many losses, so many bad decisions, and not being present and self-aware to take life by the reins. You're totally right about increasing love for life and looking at moments that will bring me immense joy, and none of that has to do with my career or my house or material possessions. Thanks for being in my corner as always.
Nef Thanks for the kind words man. Tomorrow will be better yes. Much love as well.
Davide Totally appreciate your words and perspective. You're right - I know I have the tools and wherewithal to not drown and actually find a way to surf the wave. I am actually proud of letting myself feel those intense emotions and coming out the other end rather than running away. I haven't felt this intensely about my sitch since March last year and I at least know that my growth is real.
DV Yeah, self-compassion is so important. I couldn't believe how I used to talk to myself. I wouldn't do that to anyone. The 'if only' game is such a dead end, you're right. Even with all of that, you could've ended up here. There's just so much of my past that I have to completely let go and exercise that forgiveness. Thanks for chiming in.
Nicole Yeh, I did chat with a close female friend of mine. Normally I'd just bottle it all up, but it was good to talk to her. I am planning on having a great evening with my kids and just being in the circle of love with them. This transitional state is just paperwork for me at the moment and I just want to get it done so it feels like there's a sense of finality to it.
I am doing much better now and looking forward to taking it easy this evening. The clouds are slowly scattering and I didn't allow myself to wallow in self-pity and loathing. I went about my day and got my work done and I feel better after letting the emotions have their day. Thanks everyone for giving me perspective and being there for me. I have overcome so many odds in life and I know I am not a failure. Just need to water the garden of self-confidence, value, and love.
Just read a beautiful quote - "forgiveness means giving up hope for a better past". I think this is probably the crux of my struggle. My past is just so riddled with different traumatic events that it has had power over me. This is what I need to let go.
After getting hit by a massive wave, I thought I'd come back and post a quick update.
So, once I got past the emotional downturn, I took a magnifying glass to see why I was so thrown off course for the day. exW's message included the 'D' word, but it was also full of classic emotional manipulation and that combination hit me hard. She got to my insecurities - don't know if she intended to, but it did anyway. The hit to my insecurities sparked where my failures were in the past and my whole life flashed before me with selectively choosing all the bad memories and what I consider to be my previous weaknesses. All of that made me feel really small as a person and whether I was redeemable or not.
I think her message also got to me as it was a demonstrated rejection from her all over again. Abandonment and rejection have been two of the biggest issues I have had to deal with in my life and so she got me right in the sweet spot. I recognize I still have work to do in building my self-value and personal worth.
However, getting past all of that made me realize that I have a lot more growth to go through. And that moment did catalyze massive growth as I was able to get past that hump with a new found understanding of my emotional health and also a recognition that I have made massive strides in my emotional recovery as I didn't beat myself up for days on end and have a 'woe is me' attitude.
I took 24 hours before I responded back to her. And I did that in the most calm and rational way over email and surprisingly her response was measured and not full of vitriol and more emotional manipulation. I have seen glimpses of that from her after the separation and I don't know if my measured response enabled her to do the same.
Anyways, I am back on solid land and grounded. The S and D processes are moving and hopefully should get wrapped by March at the latest. I am just waiting on paperwork from her and once we have that, it should move quickly.
Thanks everyone as usual for being in my corner. I am feeling more unusually calm and centered now.
Just read a beautiful quote - "forgiveness means giving up hope for a better past". I think this is probably the crux of my struggle. My past is just so riddled with different traumatic events that it has had power over me. This is what I need to let go.
Oh my gosh Maika this is such a great quote. Thank you for sharing.
It's amazing how we can grow and then realize how we need to grow even more. It's like the drill sergeant that tells you to do ten more push-ups right when you get to the last one. I guess we'll all keep learning, improving, evolving, and changing for as long as we live but it does feel unsettling during this stage in life when we expected to be enjoying our tine with our spouses and kids, reaping the rewards of having worked hard in our 20's and early 30's, and living a relatively stable life. I was asking you on my thread if you found a different religious path when you left the one you were on? Or if you're just self-guided now? I'm just curious. It seems either way you've been on a path towards transcendence. You sound like a wise person. I feel like many women will be interested in you when you're ready to meet someone new. It doesn't seem like you did anything wrong in your marriage aside from having the usual minor flaws, if any, that we all have. Your wife may be unwilling to recalibrate her thoughts or to see how you have changed but I'm positive your kids will always be proud to have you as their father and everyone who knows you will see your good intentions and the strength you've built from overcoming all these hardships. You seem to be well-balanced and you think rationally. You don't always have to be strong though. We all have times when we struggle but it's nice to see the example you set by sharing what you've learned and realized each time you go through a hardship. I hope things keep getting better and better. The good news is you're still young!
Thanks for popping by. I will check out your latest update. Haven't had a chance to spend time on the forums too much lately. You're right about how much space there is for growth, and I believe it will be a lifelong process of gaining new skills and insights.
About my religious path, I know what my values are and they don't align well with organized religions that we currently have in operation. I did go the atheist route - not the militant kind where I was arguing with people and trying to impose my thinking, but more so for my own personal self.
I am at a place where I don't know what to label myself. But over the last year, I've come to appreciate that there is just so much in this universe that we don't know and I need to exercise some humility. I've had some transcendental experiences that can't be explained away by science and rational thinking. Currently I am at a place where I believe there is something greater out in the universe that can't be explained away neatly and that there is a spiritual or transcendental side to the human experience. There's just no other way I can see it with what I have gone through.
I don't know if we have benevolent alien overlords in another dimension who are marveling at the human world, but I believe there is a greater energy force out there. I would say that I have experienced it and still do when I engage in meditation specifically.
I will never participate in an organized religion because the values don't match up to me and I would rather stay honest and true to my values than compromise. If I am wrong, then I am wrong, but I will have lived my life based on my truth rather than being told what the truth is. I have deeply explored the organized religions and having participated in at least 2 of them, I know that they are not my path to follow.
I am happy with how I have evolved as a parent and look forward to continue that path of growth. I know that I am in a minority of fathers out there who can handle their $hit well. For my marriage, I believe I just let my depression hollow me out and that led to the degradation of the relationship from my end. I am back to myself now and I know that what I have to offer is tremendous and look forward to sharing my life with someone who also meets my needs in a partnership. I am just slightly younger than you so we're not far off.
Things are way better and I feel so much stronger after the latest emotional episode. It's like I have unlocked the next level in the detachment game.
I'll check out your update soon. Hope you and your daughter are doing well.
However, getting past all of that made me realize that I have a lot more growth to go through. And that moment did catalyze massive growth as I was able to get past that hump with a new found understanding of my emotional health and also a recognition that I have made massive strides in my emotional recovery as I didn't beat myself up for days on end and have a 'woe is me' attitude.
I think this is the key. Recognize the growth that you have made (and important part of self-compassion), while remaining aware that there is always room for further growth. You are clearly well along the path, but it never ends.
Stay strong!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
M - I think we all need something or someone to believe in. Whatever that means to the individual then more power to you!
You know my best friend was going through marital issues the same time as us. His wife ended up staying and he openly admits how lucky he is. He was in the same boat, got the same reasons from her that we all essentially got however she chose to stay, fight though it, and now (according to him) they are better than ever.
After he got his wake up call he dove deep into all the self-help books that we have has well. The difference between him and us was his wife and her desire to not break up their family and kids (which are the same age as ours). She was done, done, and more done. She had moved out and was living with her mom. He has a great job, lives in a million dollar house, in shape, outwardly has many things going for him that we would all be envious of but he was in the same boat as us with a W who wanted nothing to do with him, she was repulsed.
My point is that this is more of a reflection of your W and really less to do about you. Everyone in a relationship has their problems it's just some choose to stay and work through the issues while others choose to bail. I asked her why she chose to stay and she said the thought of rebuilding her life from scratch with a new man who doesn't know her desires, wants, and needs seemed exhausting to her. She also said she couldn't do it to her kids either and she realized there were no guarantees with any other man either. She also said while on a flight she had a random encounter with a pastor/priest that helped her work through what she was experiencing.
My best friend is no different than anyone of us.........he just got lucky.
