13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[LH19]

H,

Make it even shorter.

Sounds like D5 had a good day. I will take D5 to the gymnastics event.

Shoet, direct and to the point.

[Hurt213]

A bit of journaling:

So yesterday I went to the house after work. I picked up the kids, and we went for 2 hours of fun filled gymnastics and really had fun. The kids were really happy to see me (haven't seem them since saturday), but it wasn't over the top or anything, it was like picking them up after a day of work, and that calmed me and made me feel good about this, and what they have coming.

After gymnastics, we went to the house, WW had cooked dinner and I participated for the kids sake. She started a lot of small talk about work, things she had experienced and so on. I just smiled, nodded and listened, and talked with the kids without being rude in any way, it actually came pretty natural to me, which I reflected on later in the car. Hurt is moving forward slow and steady.

After dinner I sat on the couch with my kids under a duvet, and just enjoyed a moment of quietness. WW came in and said, that if I wanted to, I didn't have to wait until friday, but I could come again tomorrow - I smiled at her and said "Friday will be fine".

I made the kids ready for bed, and then kissed them goodnight, closed the door, packed my things and headed to my parents place.

I can feel how my emotional need to satisfy, get attention from, and try to mindread my WW is diminishing rapidly, and I think its genuine this time around. It is really hard to describe, but I would say it feels like, I am letting go of the the steering, and stepping out of the car. I dont panic about no longer steering, its actually calming for me. It probably doesn't make sense for the reader, but yea, I am in a good place right now.

I do not want to fool anyone reading this, who is just beginning their journey, or the veterans helping me out. I do, on a daily basis, have to use my stopsign technique to not get run over by emotions, but they last for, what is now maybe 10 seconds and then im over it in my head. When we had the IHS, the thoughts would stick with me for hours at a time.

I hope you all have a great day - I am going to go grab my new gift for my self today, a Callaway GBB Epic Sub Zero Driver for my Portugal trip .

[ballast]

Hurt...I am happy to hear your update. With time, lots of experience and 2x4's...you are "balancing your ship" buddy.

And it's not like you were fooling any vet anyway...we've walked in your shoes remember! Awesome that you have a way to catch yourself when you need to!

Keep going H!

-B

[neffer]

You said it H: you are letting her go...keep moving forward, keep DB.

[LH19]

Keep moving forward. Things will get better I promise you.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So whats cooking in my life .

I have had a good couple of days, and I have been enjoying GAL activities and having time for my self. Yesterday I went to a parent meeting in my daughters kindergarten. It was a good meeting, they think she is doing really well, and I was pleased about what they had to say. It was a bit strange to drive by my house, knowing that my kids were in there, playing, and then just continue down the road to the daycare. It was fine though, and I take that as another sign, that I am progressing in the right direction with myself at the moment.

After the meeting, I hit the gym for a good couple of hours. It was awesome, and my body is as fit as ever right now, and that is really boosting me mentally. I made eye contact with this very good looking girl, and I instantly took my eyes to the floor. Seconds later I looked up, and she looked at me again and smiled. She then proceeded to come over and use the machine next to my barbell (did anyone say open invitation for a conversation?), I did however not have the courage, so I just smiled and minded my own business - maybe I will see her again. Anyways it was nice to be noticed.

On my way home, I called WW to inform her of the meeting regarding our daughter. Another positive sign for me that I have detached more than ever before, was that throughout the conversation, I had this calm feeling inside. I just informed about the main points at the meeting, answered her questions and elaborated if she didn't understand. Then I ended the conversation on my terms with a "I need to go now, see you tomorrow".

Yesterday morning I heard a radio show, where the host said the following to a guy who had just been served with papers unknowing that there was even something wrong: If a person can do that to you, then you need to distance yourself. It will hurt, you will be limboing for a while, and then, suddenly, you will find that person, who gives you butterflies in your stomach when you think of her, and you will feel warmth circulating your body when you get a text from that person. <--- I realized that I have no butterflies in my stomach when it comes to my WW. I want that feeling, it is the best feeling in the world. I dont mind if it is with someone else at this point. If it is with WW though, it will be a completely different person, because the person I see now, can't produce that feeling in me, thats long gone.

Today I am getting my kids, and I am soooo looking forward to a week with them. My batteries are charged, and I am longing to hold them, snuggle with them and the weekend is going to be absolutely wonderful.

Have a great day all .

[Hurt213]

Just following up to avoid confusion:

So english not being my maternal language I often write something that can be misunderstood, and the case is the same in the above thread.

I just want to point out, that WW was aware of the meeting happening, it was not like we were invited, and I kept her in the dark on the matter. We thought it was easier for her to stay home with the kids, and that I attended the meeting, and then informed her of what was agreed on, and what was talked about.

I see how, the way I wrote it, it could be misunderstood as me being petty and keeping her out of D5s life. That will never be my intention.

[AnotherStander]

I realized that I have no butterflies in my stomach when it comes to my WW. I want that feeling, it is the best feeling in the world.

Instead of butterflies our WAS's give us something more akin to acid-spitting beetles in our stomachs Those fluttery feelings are part of the limerence phase though, so that's typically just present early in the relationship (for 6 months to a year). So don't fall in love with the idea of that feeling because it does eventually pass in all LTRs.

[ovrrnbw]

After the meeting, I hit the gym for a good couple of hours. It was awesome, and my body is as fit as ever right now, and that is really boosting me mentally. I made eye contact with this very good looking girl, and I instantly took my eyes to the floor. Seconds later I looked up, and she looked at me again and smiled. She then proceeded to come over and use the machine next to my barbell (did anyone say open invitation for a conversation?), I did however not have the courage, so I just smiled and minded my own business - maybe I will see her again. Anyways it was nice to be noticed.

Golden opportunity missed! Ask her how she sculpts her guns next time! Or see if she has any tips to bench press 300 lbs! She would probably love it if you teased her.

Anyways, I'm happy to read that you are settling in a bit in regards to your detachment. Good job!

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So whats happening in my life right now..

Well basically, life is happening - and I have bought a ticket for the ride. I am no longer sidelined, watching the trains pass by, and I feel so great, wow, I am smiling while typing this, because I feel good, and I haven't felt good in a very very long time. Realizing this, just makes it so clear, how much I have struggled, lost, won and then lost again up till this point.

So yesterday I had to work, and WW came home from OM early morning to take care of the kids while I worked. I feel like, and this might come off odd. She does what she does, and I tried so long to change me, change her, and well, I am just not into that game anymore. We have to coparent, and that is the relationship I need with her, and I will my very best to make sure that our kids have the best dad I can be, and she seems to be interested in that as well (from a moms perspective -:)). I appreciated the help, and told her thanks.

So after work, she took off, and me and the kids had a great day, we went for a walk, did some shopping for sunday, and read some books before calling it an early night.

Sunday my entire family came to celebrate D5 and S1 birthday (both have birthdays in january). We have had a great day, and a lot of cake was consumed! Good thing tomorrow is gym session before work .

Tuesday is S1s birthday, and STBXW asked if we could take them to a restaurant for a early meal to celebrate my little warriors birthday. I know, because I've been here for a while now, that this might look like cake-eating from your perspective (having OM and dining with the family) -

So let me break it up from my perspective: I do not want anything from my former companion other than a good relationship because of our kids. This relationship as far as I am concerned, stretches to doing stuff with the kids on special days, birthdays etc. I have no contact with STBXW other than when we switch on fridays - other than that its a rare text or call about financial stuff or things related to the kids. Our lives are completely separated in all regards other than the kids - I have no expectations and frankly I look back, and see how rose-tinted my expectations were. That piedestal I had her on, holy cow... I am a wiser man today, but I am also scarred, and especially my confidence around women is really something im struggling with. It is hard for me to trust. I guess it gets easier.

I guess, I now know, how much more I deserve, and yea, her too I guess - despite the way she screwed me over, and betrayed me, I do know, that our relationship had issues, and I know how I can improve and not bring my portion of those issues into my next relationship, and I am really grateful for that. I am a bettered person, a bettered father, a stronger, wiser and more loving Hurt, than I have ever been before, and I have so much to be grateful for in my life.

Have a good evening. I am gonna watch a movie, and call it a night . My kids are completely collapsed in their beds after a wonderful day, surrounded by people who love them from here to the moon and back.