I like to use a "friendly coworker" standard. If a friendly coworker who you didn't know that well was asking you for a particular favor would you do it, or would it be over the line?
In the scenarios you note above, if you're already in the garage at some point and her car is there, I'd be willing to put some oil in it, but I wouldn't jump through hoops to do it on her timeline. If its actually your car, or you share joint ownership, or you're worried about the engine blowing up with your kids in the car, then I'd do it with some urgency. If adding oil doesn't address the problem, I wouldn't do any more, that's up to her to take it to a mechanic.
If I had an ECU reader and a friendly coworker asked me to read a check engine light code for them I'd probably do it. Would I then go home and google what it means and try to diagnose it? No, they are perfectly capable of doing that for themselves, so I'd stop at helping them out with my tool that they may not have.
Once again, if its a safety issue that will impact your assets or your kids, or you're worried she'll physically get hurt, then take a look.
So much of DB is subtle. You want to offer tough love, but you don't want to be overtly punishing or passive aggressive, and that requires your discretion. I probably wouldn't say something as blunt as "you've fired me as your partner". While that may be how you feel, it may also come across as a blaming/shaming statement and she's going to resent you for that.
You want your actions to say "I'm not impacted by you" versus "I'm angry at you" -- that's the key to the whole thing
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
We have had big rows this morning ( she noticed a had taken a picture of me and her down and got annoyed ) - Hence it ended in a full blown row about her disapearing on Monday night etc. Basically i went against all the advise ive read.
That said, after Monday night ( she is still lying saying she was at her friends ) i no longer want her back anyway. I cant prove anything physical happened, but i know she called him as soon as she left the house, i know she changed her knickers that evening and i know her car was parked up in a location where she would never normally leave a car. That was always my point of no return. Even after the months of lies and deceit, i would have always tried to reconsile, but Monday crossed the line..
That said, i have go to live with this "stranger" now for another 3 months.. So i think the "friendly coworker" is probably the best way to go... just for our sanity / the children... So many thanks
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I have been with my "ex" for 8 years.. And like i put in my original post, there were a couple of Red flags, going back to the very beginning of our relationship ( deleting messages off her ex boss ) . Then there were the deleted messages from the ex boyfriend 3 years in.. Did i ever feel threatened about the ex boyfriend messaging her.. No.. Because he worked away for months at a time and i think my ex knew he was being flirty, only after one thing and was never going to risk everything for him.. She deleted the messages, and played it down whenever he messaged... But i overlooked this as a risk to my relationship.. After all, he was just trying his luck... It was me she loved. But lookiing back, maybe i misjudged my ex partners character. I have never deleted a message off another woman ( or anyone ) - becuase i have never needed to hide anything from her..
So the biased observation part on the link is very interesting..
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
We have had big rows this morning ( she noticed a had taken a picture of me and her down and got annoyed ) - Hence it ended in a full blown row about her disapearing on Monday night etc. Basically i went against all the advise ive read.
That said, after Monday night ( she is still lying saying she was at her friends ) i no longer want her back anyway. I cant prove anything physical happened, but i know she called him as soon as she left the house, i know she changed her knickers that evening and i know her car was parked up in a location where she would never normally leave a car. That was always my point of no return. Even after the months of lies and deceit, i would have always tried to reconsile, but Monday crossed the line..
That said, i have go to live with this "stranger" now for another 3 months.. So i think the "friendly coworker" is probably the best way to go... just for our sanity / the children... So many thanks
Some of the best advice I received here was to not make decisions when you are emotional. Obviously, all of this has you worked up, rightfully so, but deciding your marriage is over is a huge decision that you need to take time, calm down, and then figure out.
Also, lots of non-DBing going on. Checking on her knickers (I've been there), tracking her location (been there) and checking calls (been there) are all counter-productive. We as LBSs check on that stuff HOPING what we already know isn't true. And then we get our heart squashed by it and the WAS doesn't care. In fact, many of them are almost relieved that the hard part (the LBS finding out) is over and now they can move on with their new life.
Go reread the detachment thread. Read sandi's rule. Your name is helpme, but you have to take the learnings here and help yourself! Get strong. Be the best helpme you can be!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I cant prove anything physical happened, but i know she called him as soon as she left the house, i know she changed her knickers that evening and i know her car was parked up in a location where she would never normally leave a car.
Sounds to me like pretty solid proof she is actively engaging in an affair. So where you go from here is up to you. I would suggest assuming the worst and basing your actions on that. Even if you want to save the M you still need to treat her like a WW because that's what she is. Go dark. Also quit snooping, she's having an A, you know she is, so there's no point in snooping further.
Quote
Found this site last night and found the article on Biased observations very interesting..
Cadet or Job will probably delete that as outside links are against the rules. It's OK to discuss info you see on other sites, just don't post links.
Quote
I have been with my "ex" for 8 years.. And like i put in my original post, there were a couple of Red flags, going back to the very beginning of our relationship ( deleting messages off her ex boss ) . Then there were the deleted messages from the ex boyfriend 3 years in.. Did i ever feel threatened about the ex boyfriend messaging her.. No.. Because he worked away for months at a time and i think my ex knew he was being flirty, only after one thing and was never going to risk everything for him.. She deleted the messages, and played it down whenever he messaged... But i overlooked this as a risk to my relationship.. After all, he was just trying his luck... It was me she loved. But lookiing back, maybe i misjudged my ex partners character.
Yeah, probably so. My brother was married for 7 or 8 years, his W was actively engaged in an affair (or affairs) nearly the entire marriage and he didn't know until she BD'd him. Until then he thought she was loyal. We often put blinders on to the red flags and explain them away as insignificant.
Sounds to me like pretty solid proof she is actively engaging in an affair. So where you go from here is up to you. I would suggest assuming the worst and basing your actions on that. Even if you want to save the M you still need to treat her like a WW because that's what she is. Go dark. Also quit snooping, she's having an A, you know she is, so there's no point in snooping further.
FYI he is not married, they were partners or bf/gf. She's been wayward still since before they broke up, and they obviously live together and have children.
Helpme, when did y'all break up?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
First issue was the guy she worked with - Saturday 4th August 2018.. Texts sent that night and next day. Found out accidently due to text from a friend. Discussed and agreed to move past on the 6th August - 1s councilling session the week after.. All good for 8 weeks ( really good ) minus 1 row in the middle.
9th October. Guy 1 text my partner asking if she could set his mate up with a friend of his. These messages carried on over the course of the week. I noticed on the thursday or Friday that she was distant ( 11th ot 12 ) and different. Spotted a message from him on the home screen of her phone at 4am on 14th October. Checked later that day and it was gone. Discussed the next day and she admitted she had messed up. Agreed to stop the deletion, but at that point, it was innocent... He messaged her and asked what was up after she reduced the messaging and she said we had argued over the messages etc... She ended up spending the next 3 days online to him, "because she couldnt talk to me at the time" apparently.. She knocked it on the head with him on the 18th and i also sent him a text asking him to back off.. At the time my partner was a total mess. Our youngest was sleeping for an hour a night max !..
We did the second council session on the 26th, but it enraged her. The counciler was great but put a lot of emphasis on the damage these messages do to relationships. She walked out and started to message him about setting his mate up - her reasoning... "To make it normal" - even though at this point she didnt even describe him as friend.
he replied telling her he didnt want the hassle ( ie because of my message ) - She then flew off at me for messaging him..
In the weeks that followed she called him to appologise for my messages, and they started to message more and more. He used to message her if she was out asking where she was / did she have a good night erc.. But she always tried to hide them / denied it and we had some days of getting back to normality. But it was never good.. ie we chatted and chilled, but i felt zero intamacy for her.. She even said at some point that she would always love me, but wasnt sure if she loved me like that anymore..
The crunch came on the 6th December. She spent 2 hours online to him but denied it. I checked her phone ( in front of her ) and there were no other messages ( to him or anyone ) , so she had obviously deleted them. She did admit he deletion, but again " we are just mates" . But she changed her lock code and i gave her the choice - Family or messaging this guy daily... She said she wouldnt be controlled and said she was happy to end it..
SInce then they message almost daily i suspect. I know on xmas day, she started messaging the minute i left the house..
Shes a different person now
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
helpme, you cannot improve things, either for yourself or your marriage, until you let go, stop holding on so hard, and stop snooping.
I speak from experience here. For the first 8 weeks I couldn't control my snooping and I was a mess. Until you can control that you will continue to struggle.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'll second what Steve said. Snooping shows you aren't detached, that you'll still let her hurt you or that she still has power over you. Snooping is just going to add to your stress level and only bring negatives. I know from experience man.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
