So explain something to me. You said you gave no SSM as a boundary. Just how do you plan to enforce it? It sounds more like an ultimatum, IMHO. An ultimatum is where you leave no options for the other person. They either do what you want or you're gone. I'm not saying you are wrong to give an ultimatum, I'm just saying I don't think it is a boundary. But you can enlighten me.
Please, not this again. Call it whatever you like.
It's an "If then" statement.
If it really matters, enlighten me. please.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
For the record, my words "I don't want to remain in a sexless marriage"
Call it what you like. Conventional wisdom says that an ultimatum is a boundary.
I don't care.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I think sandi is speaking in terms of a enforcement. Clarity in boundaries, and therefore ultimatum, is important.
IF THEN is fine, but make sure it is timebound, enforceable and that you are willing to following through.
If by FALL of 2019 our marriage is a SSM then:
I will talk to a lawyer, work out a separation agreement, and file for D.
While you gave the boundary, unless I misread it, it came out as a IF statement with no then. Essentially you said you don't want to remain in a SSM. That is completely fair. However, what follows that?
Last edited by Steve85; 01/16/1901:27 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not defining my consequences was completely intentional.
Hey guys, I told you what I was going to do before I did it.
Although this is not a legal agreement. It's my MR. This is what I do for a living. I negotiate.
From a legal standpoint. You could call it a "LOT" or Letter of intent.
Semantics are really not important.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
lol, Steve, in the event that this is not a logistic trap. For one, I'm not going to sit around and wait a month.
I laid it all out in my last thread. Down to this.
Quote
I will tell her that I don't intend to stay in a sexless marriage forever. I don't want it to be a threatening ultimatum, but I will give it until the end of the year. I'm not sure if I will offer this deadline up without her asking. Then I will STFU. I will listen and validate.
IMHO, a Boundry opens the door to conversation. An Ultimatum leaves no room for conversation and has dire and definite consequences. Something I did not provide, nor did I intend to.
I don't mean to be short, and I hope you know that I always appreciate your comments and input Steve, this all was simply planned and discussed in the last thread. Other than STFU, I have stuck to the plan. BTW, I see the R conversation as a positive.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Well done RR. I missed the one year thing. As you know I had a hard deadline myself in my sitch. I did not tell her about it. WWs have a way of waiting until the last minute and then going into manipulation mode. I wasn't going to let her do that. So I would not tell her about the deadline.
Hey, RR, you are under stress. You are entitled to some shortness. Especially when a bonehead like me comes along and forgets details you already gave! LOL Yes, think the R talk was a positive. However, any other reading this should not take that to mean that it would be a positive in their sitch. Your sitch is unique in this regard.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The way I see it, there are always rules and there are exceptions.
The same rules of DB don't apply throughout all these processes. You don't do LRT during reconciliation.
Here is one example of why I think semantics get in the way. IMO, someone could say that you had a "covert contract" when you gave your W a year and didn't tell her. But, Covert Contracts are bad? I don't see it that way. Relationships are complicated. Trying to oversimplify them with somatic terms sometimes misses important points.
What am I going to do in a month? Well, I'm going to follow what my "Divorce Remedy" book told me to do. Evaluate and adjust. In the meantime, I'm going to work my plan to let her digest my words. At some point, I plan to execute a "soft initiation". This is to make it easy, as initiation, especially at this juncture, may be beyond her ability.
If rejected. I will pull back. Reevaluate and adjust. At some point, I may get fed up and pull the plug.
Why did I tell her that I didn't want to stay in a no sex marriage? Because I don't. lol
Why didn't I give her a definite deadline? Because I didn't want to stop the conversation. Hope this helps others.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
