Now go do this at least 2 more times. Don't bet on the first horse you see. As long as they are free consults get additional advice before settling on a L.
1st consult was a chunk of money. Finding free consults has been difficult when I’ve looked. Will need to look more.
Bo - I think that if you liked her and what she had to say, there is nothing wrong with sticking with her. I have only met with one L and it did cost but I would have stuck with her even if it didn't. She has a good reputation, she listened and asked pertinent questions, she offered her opinion but wasn't bossy about it, and she also is an L who doesn't think it is useful to make everything a fight and spend more money than is needed. That last one is important to me. I don't want to make this process any more adversarial or lengthy than it needs to be. At the end of the day, I just want to ensure my kids will be okay and move forward with the grief process and GAL. Sounds like that is your wish as well. (((HUGS)))
Agreed. Also though, be aware not to mention to your W that unless you are "abusive" you can stay. Many a LBH has found himself out of the house on a false abuse charge.
Oh you’re absolutely right about this one. Won’t bring that up, because who knows what she could do.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I see no issues with you attending this. Now is the time for self-improvement.
Thanks for the validation and affirmation. I put it at the top of my list for that particular session. I’ll sit on my choices for a day or so and then go from there, to let them settle and ‘breathe.’ I could register myself, but my department chair also has offered to handle registration for us. I know I shouldn’t care about what others think, but I feel a bit self-conscious about getting some side-eyes for my choice of this particular session (no one at work knows what’s going on yet).
Steve, I know you commented on my sitch early on but stepped away (justifiably) because of your own sitch, but do you have any thoughts on my sitch as it is currently? I do appreciate your current thoughts—thank you!
Paying for a consultation must be standard for your area. Where I am at its standard for the consultation to be free. Well if you like her, she is aggressive, but wants make it as inexpensive as possible then you have a choice to make.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
However the L was a very useful resource for assessing my options for the parenting plan, as well as division of assets and everything like that. That was good.
Absolutely! It was a smart move. I think you know this already but don't tell your W you've consulted a L. There may be an appropriate time to tell her later but right now you've got the upper hand on legal knowledge. Try to keep it that way.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Agreed. Also though, be aware not to mention to your W that unless you are "abusive" you can stay. Many a LBH has found himself out of the house on a false abuse charge.
Yes! There really is no end to how low some WW's will stoop. Have seen this happen too many times on these forums.
Agreed. Also though, be aware not to mention to your W that unless you are "abusive" you can stay. Many a LBH has found himself out of the house on a false abuse charge.
Oh you’re absolutely right about this one. Won’t bring that up, because who knows what she could do.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I see no issues with you attending this. Now is the time for self-improvement.
Thanks for the validation and affirmation. I put it at the top of my list for that particular session. I’ll sit on my choices for a day or so and then go from there, to let them settle and ‘breathe.’ I could register myself, but my department chair also has offered to handle registration for us. I know I shouldn’t care about what others think, but I feel a bit self-conscious about getting some side-eyes for my choice of this particular session (no one at work knows what’s going on yet).
Steve, I know you commented on my sitch early on but stepped away (justifiably) because of your own sitch, but do you have any thoughts on my sitch as it is currently? I do appreciate your current thoughts—thank you!
Bo, I'll go back and catch up. However, I do have one related to these latest exchanges. So many LBS' come here with the attitude that they can't afford an attorney. The problem is that you can't afford to NOT have an attorney. Almost all of the LBSs that have come here with that thought have ended up biting the bullet and hiring a lawyer. It is very easy. Go to a Dr. for medical problems. Go to a dentist for tooth problems. Go to a lawyer for legal problems.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Bo - I think that if you liked her and what she had to say, there is nothing wrong with sticking with her. I have only met with one L and it did cost but I would have stuck with her even if it didn't. She has a good reputation, she listened and asked pertinent questions, she offered her opinion but wasn't bossy about it, and she also is an L who doesn't think it is useful to make everything a fight and spend more money than is needed. That last one is important to me. I don't want to make this process any more adversarial or lengthy than it needs to be. At the end of the day, I just want to ensure my kids will be okay and move forward with the grief process and GAL. Sounds like that is your wish as well. (((HUGS)))
(((DV)))
I do like her, her message, and her MO. She asked good questions, mentioned that I was well-prepared for our meeting (even though I didn’t feel like it), she’s not bossy and doesn’t intend to make things a fight. However, I’m sure that she’d be willing to put on the bossy face and fight it out if it comes to that. She was astonished when I would tell her about how much W travels / goes away for work—she couldn’t really believe it. I also wanted to have a woman lawyer, because I’m sure she could be sympathetic towards the children—but also to kinda mind-f@ck with W if it gets that far, because if I’m going to have to fight, might as well have a woman going after another woman.
I don’t want this to be any more adversarial or lengthy than it has to be (I frankly didn’t want this to begin with, but I need to remember that she’s brought the fight to me), but I do want to protect myself, my interests, and my interests towards the boys. She did acknowledge that the kids are young enough where ‘they should be okay,’ and that is W’s interests for the parenting plan, too. But I also wanted to know my rights about staying here—and not starting that unless / until I absolutely need to, and she was on the money about that. I go back and forth about moving forward and the grief process, and will probably comment on that later.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Paying for a consultation must be standard for your area. Where I am at its standard for the consultation to be free. Well if you like her, she is aggressive, but wants make it as inexpensive as possible then you have a choice to make.
Sure looks to be standard, unfortunately. Must be a SoCal / OC thing.
It’s funny—W would talk about how living in OC is more her ‘speed,’ and that she embraced the OC mom ‘stereotypes’ (such that they are), including, but not allegedly limited to, shopping at Target with a young child and a car seat in the cart while drinking Starbucks, as well as drinking more wine casually. I’d also add ‘divorcing your spouse’ to this list, because that is apparently becoming a thing and plays into the worst of the stereotypes.
Absolutely! It was a smart move. I think you know this already but don't tell your W you've consulted a L. There may be an appropriate time to tell her later but right now you've got the upper hand on legal knowledge. Try to keep it that way.
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Yes! There really is no end to how low some WW's will stoop. Have seen this happen too many times on these forums.
Okay—won’t tell her. I’ll try to keep it that way. L mentioned that I could frame this as ‘so I’ve done some research’ (and this is technically true) ‘and what I’ve discovered with respect to this parenting plan is blah blah blah blah....’
Last thing I want to do is give her any more ammo than I already have. I noticed your choice in abbreviation—do you believe my W is a WW, or still WAS (I’ve also read that it doesn’t really matter, WW / WAS / MLC, it’s all rather similar)? Just curious.
/journaling before I continue with schoolwork while home with sick OS (trying to get these thoughts out of my head so they don’t distract me later)
I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I still want to be married to W.
What I do know (and understand) is that the prior MR is effectively dead, and it’s better that way—but the question is, would I want MR 2.0 with W? Do I want to get to piecing? That depends on the day and the moment.
And this is where I’m conflicted—I mentioned the word ‘vacillating’ earlier, and that’s exactly it. And I’ll have to admit questioning how ‘natural’ or ‘healthy’ it is that I feel this way, and am I justified in feeling this way?
I never thought I’d ever be in the sitch, and I don’t think W really has until recently, either. But here we are, and I need to just STFU and deal.
I’ve thought about how if things were ever really that great between us? Is she doing me a massive favor by doing this? Should I be grateful this is happening (if it has to happen) at 35, instead of 45 or 55, when there is more time together, more history with the kids (or even more kids?), and the continued intertwining of possessions and assets?
I go back and forth on whether or not I should feel guilty about being hopeful for a future without W (and this may be some NGS coming through—unsure). I’m giving consideration to that workshop on ‘contemplative dating,’ but I will almost assuredly still be married by that point (though who knows what MR will look like by that point in late-March), and I’ll wear my wedding band unless / until everything goes final, at least.
But I still can’t help but think about all that is before me, especially with respect to other women. Part of that is terrifying, tbh—the loneliness, nostalgia for what was, missing sex / affection (tbh, like there’s a whole lot of that right now anyway), going back to life before MR when I remember all the uncertainty of dating, fear of rejection (but that can still happen in marriage!), as well as what look to be the complexities of dating in the current social climate (especially with respect to gender views / roles and all that). I remember W and I would comment in the past about ‘oh man so glad we don’t have to deal with dating anymore omg’—but now look at where we are.
When W BD’ed me a 2nd time earlier this month, I tried to be brave and strong and thank her for the chance to find happiness with someone else down the road, in time. I’m sure she wondered if I was being sincere—and who the F cares at this point? Part of it at least was positive self-talk, PMA.
While the negatives of a potential life without W do seem daunting, I’m somewhat attracted to the positives, and I do derive some hope from this.
Of course, I know that there are complications to my sitch, and I know that being a fairly traditional, relatively conservative Catholic could very well cause me some problems in the future if this all goes through—especially if I want to find another fairly traditional young woman, too. (I know, I know—annulments and all that. I know I could very well be totally unrealistic about all this, but I’m just not in the mood for that topic right now). That’s why I’m conflicted—I know divorce is evil, and part of me wants to work it out for the kids, but I also know and have read here that I need to let her go if I have any hope of wanting / having MR 2.0 with W. And I see the threads about recon happening (and even the L I met with yesterday mentioned it as a potential outcome—well, one of many, anyway, and her honesty is refreshing).
And then I look around—and go ahead and slam me or 2x4 me if I do deserve it—but I literally look around and I see hope, because I see that there are lots of very attractive women out there, and I have to believe that at least someone down the road out there would want to be with me and give me the chance that W gave up on. I would not cheat on W while we’re still legally married, or date anyone else unless / until D goes final (right now I’m more concerned about the legal marriage—annulment questions can wait—I want to have at least some hope of a future).
That I know I do deserve better from W—especially if we do have MR 2.0, and that if she can’t / won’t give it to me, that I know I deserve better from someone else. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes in this MR (or in past relationships), and I want to make myself a better man / father and I’m trying to work on what I can.
I also know that THIS WILL TAKE TIME and I will need to grieve if the D goes final (though to be fair I’m grieving right now), as well as continuing to work on myself—even after I do start over again, with MR 2.0, or someone else. That’s key—not stopping self-improvement.
But I also know that while I’m flawed (who isn’t) and I’ve made mistakes in this MR, I’ve also tried to avoid the portion of the standard LBS script about feeling totally unworthy and having a terrible self-image because WAS wants out. At least for the most part, I’ve tried to avoid it—sometimes I feel like a POS husband, but it seems temporary to me. I do know that I have a lot to offer, but I also know that if I put the work in, I can be really amazing and while nothing is guaranteed, I’d hope that Bo 2.0 would be much much more attractive to someone out there in time. I’m just impatient for finding her—and it’s probably a good thing that I have the gift of time to figure this out and I don’t have to make any snap decisions right away.
I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I still want to be married to W.
What I do know (and understand) is that the prior MR is effectively dead, and it’s better that way—but the question is, would I want MR 2.0 with W? Do I want to get to piecing? That depends on the day and the moment.
And this is where I’m conflicted—I mentioned the word ‘vacillating’ earlier, and that’s exactly it. And I’ll have to admit questioning how ‘natural’ or ‘healthy’ it is that I feel this way, and am I justified in feeling this way?
I think we all have these feelings. And part of the "gift of time" is that we have the time to contemplate them at our leisure. You do not have to decide how you feel today - you don't have to decide how you will feel in the future. You can be okay with just saying outloud "today I don't know how I feel".
I too go back and forth between wondering if this situation is a gift or a curse. Perhaps it's both.
I do NOT think it is NGS to be hopeful for your future if it does not contain W in it. I think it is healthy to see that your future can be positive no matter WHAT it has in store.
Originally Posted by Bo562
While the negatives of a potential life without W do seem daunting, I’m somewhat attracted to the positives, and I do derive some hope from this.
This is the amazing gift of hope for the future. Stay with this thought process. It is so much better than fear. You're correct that you don't know what the future will hold, but I really applaud that you are doing: seeing something potentially new in your future, and not running from it. That's really the best we can do.
Also, regarding your hesitency at finding someone who shares your faith and values: I think we all feel that way. Folks on the "other side" feel the same way. Isn't that interesting? I find it so. I'm gay but I have the same fears you do - that I won't find someone who is right for me and my values and interests. We will find our people that are right for us. We did it once - we can do it again.
