Dealing with a WW and finding my happiness pt. 5

[SteveLW]

I think you need to change your approach. For instance:

When she stands in the door, and you say "please leave my room" but she won't. Instead of engaging with her, closing the door, pushing her foot (you need to be careful with that, if she hurts her foot she could claim you were abusive, I've heard LBH getting arrested for assault because the closed a cabinet on their WAW's hand (by accident)). How about you state, "I'd like for you to leave my room now." Then go about your business. Eventually she will get bored and leave.

ST, try to find ways to diffuse. I know it is hard. But retreating to your room is NOT being the king of your castle, and is not being AMOAFWL.

ST I know it is rough, but you need to get back to good DB fundamentals.

[MoveFrwd]

But now it's just her, something sets her off and she spews hate and insults and when I try to speak calmly it's like trying to reason with a wall.

Admittedly, I have not been in a lengthy in-house separation, nor was I ever separated with this level of hostility/animation. A couple thoughts I had while reading this.

- Assuming you cannot change her, what could you do differently so as not to repeat the same patterns. Repeating the same broken record "Im not going to speak with you if you are being hateful" doesnt seem to be getting you anywhere. And I imagine that hearing the same thing over and over is probably going to be irritating for her and may be making her reaction worse. My opinion is that the status quo isnt working for you. And it doesnt sound like it is working for her. So what can you do to try to 'shake it up'? .

- I wonder how much you are 'listening' and how much you are trying to 'reason' with her. Rather than closing the door on her or running away, maybe it could be beneficial to try saying something like 'I can hear you are upset. Im happy to listen to you for a bit." or "I can tell something is bothering you. I dont have time right now, but Id be happy to sit down with you later tonight (or whatever) to talk about it. But Im busy for now." Doesnt mean that you are agreeing with what she has to say or that youre necessarily defending yourself. But rather just listening and possibly validating (I can tell thats bothering you. I can see why that might be frustrating for you. etc)

[SoTorn]

I will try that thanks. I haven't had to do that over the last couple of days. I have made a point to be out and about in the house playing with S11 on his hoverboard or skateboard. From my wording it sounds like I am just in the MBR all the time. I am truly not. Yes sometimes I will go in there and read or do my homework because I started school and I need the solitude to get through my studies, but I am not just hiding in the MBR all day. I only retreat in there when she is being relentless about not leaving me alone. For the most part if she says something snide I ignore it or if she complains about something I validate.

I have closed the door on her three times so far and yes I worried about some BS accusation, but I have it on recording as I have cameras in my room now. I am not forceful, I just push until she gives and lets me shut the door.

I did try to just let her vent and get bored, but she doesn't. If she is heated and I leave the door open she will come in the room and stay in the room trying to force an argument. Thats only when she is really mad. And again this isnt every day, it has actually calmed down quite a bit. But it does happen frequently enough that its annoying. I have nothing to hide and I am all for communication.

WW cooked dinner the night before last and we ate at the table. WW has moved yet another spot so now she is on the opposite end as I am. I cracked a joke that she keeps moving further away and will end up eating on the stairs behind where she is sitting now eventually. The kids and WW thought it was funny.

I have to speak about something that my kids have started doing that bugs WW. I don't believe they are doing it intentionally and I have asked them to stop.

WW has a pretty poor relationship with her mom. Because of this my WW calls her mom "Mother" or by her first name. Ever since my WW has started acting like she has, D16 and S11 both now call her mother instead of mom. WW keeps telling the kids to stop. I reinforce and tell them to call her mom but I can't make them do anything.

So the kids have completely converted over to calling her mother now instead of mom and D16 calls her by her first name when they argue. This drives WW up the wall.

Any other suggestions on what to say when she approaches me with a "Why are you doing XXX?" with a really pissed off tone? Or if she throws a random accusation at me. WW is convinced that I am hiding something in my closet, to the point where she completely ignores the camera that is in my closet and digs through everything looking for whatever she thinks I am hiding. I have asked her why she keeps doing this but she just responds with "you know what you are doing!"

I truly feel that my WW has gone bat sh*t crazy. I am actually worried for her because her behavior is so erratic at times. WW has stopped drinking fortunately. WW told D16 that she realized she was drinking too much. WW was going out drinking with OM every single night they were together. They would drink quite a bit and I am sure the social lubricant helped her make her decision to stray from our MR.

[SteveLW]

I did try to just let her vent and get bored, but she doesn't. If she is heated and I leave the door open she will come in the room and stay in the room trying to force an argument. Thats only when she is really mad. And again this isnt every day, it has actually calmed down quite a bit. But it does happen frequently enough that its annoying. I have nothing to hide and I am all for communication.

"Excuse me, but I need to step out for a while." Then go for a drive, or to the store. Get out of the house.

Any other suggestions on what to say when she approaches me with a "Why are you doing XXX?" with a really pissed off tone? Or if she throws a random accusation at me. WW is convinced that I am hiding something in my closet, to the point where she completely ignores the camera that is in my closet and digs through everything looking for whatever she thinks I am hiding. I have asked her why she keeps doing this but she just responds with "you know what you are doing!"

"I am not sure what you're getting at. But I can tell you are very upset about it. I need some time to consider what you are saying and will get back to you."

With accusations: "I am sorry you feel that way but I can assure you that isn't the case."

Ignore her digging through the closet. Likely she does it knowing you will react and then she gets to say "you know what you are doing!"

[SoTorn]

Thanks Steve. I'll get out of the house instead of holding up in my room.

[SoTorn]

My grandmother has passed. RIP grandma. Thank you for creating the family that I am so proud to be a part of. 100 years is a very long life. Why do so many of us here go through our sitch along with a family death?

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die

[neffer]

I´m sorry ST. My thoughts are with you and your family. Be proud of your family ST, grandma lives in your heart now man. So keep those good memories alive.

(((ST)))

[SoTorn]

Thanks Nef. Again, should I just let my mom invite WW if she wants? I really dont feel she deserves to grieve the loss of my family when she betrayed its trust.

[neffer]

Then don´t invite her.

[SoTorn]

I wont.

WW was rude as hell to me first thing this AM.

I dress nice every day now. No matter what. I have been up since about 3AM so I showered and got dressed. Put my tie on just as I usually do when I get up and dress nice. To be nice I ran to chic fil a and got breakfast for WW and S11.

I get home and inform WW that my grandma passed and she says "oh sorry" and then says "I don't know why you have to get all dressed up to go get breakfast".

I just responded saying that I wasnt dressed up, I was just dressed in the outfit i elected and ironed last night. So she responds with "you had to wear a tie to get chic fil a?" In a sarcastic tone.

I just left it and stopped responding. Such an unreal hateful person.