Bo, her whole spiel was scripted right out of the WAS handbook.
======================================= Chapter 1: Getting What You Want
Step 1- tell him what you want and expect him to roll over and take it.
Step 2- if he doesn't, then get irate and pitch a fit until he rolls over and takes it. Name-calling, accusations, insults, whatever it takes.
Step 3- if that doesn't work then throw him a bone, act like you still like him and give him a glimmer of hope that you might be willing to reconcile if only he were to do A, B and C (which you will of course never do, this is about getting what you want).
Step 4- if he's still not caving then walk away with new respect for him, this isn't going to be the picnic you thought it was. Time to regroup. =======================================
Congrats, you made it to step 3 before caving.
Great.
I feel like an absolute POS on 2 levels—that I made things worse (as if that was possible), and as well as when she dredged up the past.
I am going to give you my opinion and be brutally honest with you.
Everything your W said that doesn't involve her being DONE and the process of separating and getting divorced is BS. It makes absolutely no sense to separate and file for divorce and then go to marriage counseling.
Your W is either in a full blown affair or is just completely done RIGHT NOW to want a D with a new born baby. You just don't see that at all on this board. They usually wait until the children are a little older and more self sufficient.
It comes down to what YOU want for you and your kids. Take the BS carrot she is trying to dangle in front of you out of the equation. If nesting doesn't work for you then don't agree to it.
As far as the courts, they want to see 50/50 custody. This isn't 1950 when the woman was always awarded custody. If anything with her traveling they would probably lean toward awarding you prime custody.
You need to be careful. In your conversation you said she threatened to get a court order to get you kicked out of the home. As far as I understand she would have to do that with a DVRO. Then later in your convo she says she loves you and will go to MC, but on her terms. She is also re-writing history, gaslighting, etc. She is fully on the rollercoaster and attempting to pull you on with her. My Ex is only nice when she wants something. You say the right thing and the mask will fall off so you can see the true self hiding behind it. You saw some of that in your convo with your W and her threats Bo. You may need seek council with your L again.
TF,
She has threatened this court order if I don’t agree to the bird-nesting arrangement. She told me that she is not leaving.
What I’m concerned about with a DVRO is that she could potentially use some of what she claims I said / did in the past as basis for that—that I’m emotionally abusive and this and that and the other.
I’ve never been physically or sexually abusive towards her; I don’t believe I’ve been emotionally abusive towards her, but at this point it’s not about what I believe.
A lot of she would talk about last night is the HURT that I inflicted on her—how I would say and do hurtful things, and that she would cry in the shower every night (she would talk about the crying in the shower part in the past). I’m concerned she will claim the past hurts as emotional abuse.
I know I’ve not been a good husband at times (haven’t fought fair, been kinda distant, I’ve had anger / resentment that I’ve had to deal with or let go of in the past, forgetfulness, unwilling to change for whatever reason). But I just don’t know if I’ve been THAT terrible towards her to warrant her depiction of me—the crying in the shower is a personal reaction.
But yeah the rewriting: Oh back in October I really wasn’t planning on leaving—BUT WHAT YOU DID sealed the deal for this. Of course—it’s my fault.
I probably do need to talk with the L again. Monday, the L made a distinction between joint and physical custody—joint in the sense that it is legally ‘even’ (more or less) and physical custody (who actually sees and cares for the kids on a day-to-day basis). Based on what I told her, L seems to believe that physical custody would potentially skew towards me because of her travel for work. W also believes that I will pay her child support (she outearns me). L said that most likely SHE WILL pay me child support if it gets that far.
W said that if I try to fight her on custody, she will fight back, and that she is being more than fair—better than any court or judge would ever do towards a man—that I need to seriously reconsider my stance. She asked if I retained a lawyer (I told her no—but I didn’t tell her that I consulted one).
She doesn’t want to leave, and then again, NEITHER DO I.
Like I told A/S, I feel like a POS on 2 levels—about all the shiz that she dredged up, and that she came after me again and is now threatening with potentially taking the boys away from me.
Bo, you didn't make it worse. Nothing has changed, she's still a full-blown WAS. She's just trying to manipulate you to get what she wants. Like LH said, don't go for the carrot. Don't agree to anything that you don't want to just because you think it gives you a shot at recon. Right now that is not on her radar, when she says it is, she is just being deceptive.
What I’m concerned about with a DVRO is that she could potentially use some of what she claims I said / did in the past as basis for that—that I’m emotionally abusive and this and that and the other.
I’ve never been physically or sexually abusive towards her; I don’t believe I’ve been emotionally abusive towards her, but at this point it’s not about what I believe.
Have you retained a L or just talked to one? It might be time to retain one. This would be a good thing to discuss with your L to see if you need to do anything to document your W's threats so you can protect yourself against that possibility.
Quote
W said that if I try to fight her on custody, she will fight back, and that she is being more than fair—better than any court or judge would ever do towards a man—that I need to seriously reconsider my stance. She asked if I retained a lawyer (I told her no—but I didn’t tell her that I consulted one).
OK well "fight her on custody" means what to her, that you're not agreeing to the nesting thing? Because that is complete BS. "Fighting on custody" means you don't agree on the percentage of custody for each parent, it has nothing to do with the living arrangements. The living arrangements are not for the court to decide, nesting isn't a legal issue, it's a personal choice outside of the legal system.
I am going to give you my opinion and be brutally honest with you.
Everything your W said that doesn't involve her being DONE and the process of separating and getting divorced is BS. It makes absolutely no sense to separate and file for divorce and then go to marriage counseling.
Your W is either in a full blown affair or is just completely done RIGHT NOW to want a D with a new born baby. You just don't see that at all on this board. They usually wait until the children are a little older and more self sufficient.
It comes down to what YOU want for you and your kids. Take the BS carrot she is trying to dangle in front of you out of the equation. If nesting doesn't work for you then don't agree to it.
As far as the courts, they want to see 50/50 custody. This isn't 1950 when the woman was always awarded custody. If anything with her traveling they would probably lean toward awarding you prime custody.
None of this makes sense, LH.
Originally Posted by LH19
just completely done RIGHT NOW to want a D with a new born baby.
?????? Please clarify.
Originally Posted by LH19
If nesting doesn't work for you then don't agree to it.
She wanted to know my objection—I told her straight up: why should I be the one to leave half-time if she is the one who wants out of this MR?
Originally Posted by LH19
As far as the courts, they want to see 50/50 custody. This isn't 1950 when the woman was always awarded custody. If anything with her traveling they would probably lean toward awarding you prime custody.
That’s what I thought—this isn’t the 50s, or even the 80s for that matter. She would probably play the breast-feeding card; but now that YS is at a home-sitter he bottle-feeds during the day, and he bottle-feeds whenever he is with me without W.
L talked about the potential of physical custody skewing my way.
Have you retained a L or just talked to one? It might be time to retain one. This would be a good thing to discuss with your L to see if you need to do anything to document your W's threats so you can protect yourself against that possibility.
Just talked to one. But yeah thinking about how to pony up for that retainer. I should probably bring this up to the L.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
OK well "fight her on custody" means what to her, that you're not agreeing to the nesting thing? Because that is complete BS. "Fighting on custody" means you don't agree on the percentage of custody for each parent, it has nothing to do with the living arrangements. The living arrangements are not for the court to decide, nesting isn't a legal issue, it's a personal choice outside of the legal system.
If I understood her correctly (which who knows—she is so out there and I am rattled)—it would mean agreeing to the nesting arrangement but also percentage of custody.
I’m not planning on leaving, and the kids are to be there—so I would see the kids more by definition I guess.
She also proposed that her and the kids are welcome at her mom’s—but that is a bit of a drive.
