Bo, WASs/WSs will always react to DBing. Mine kept asking if something was wrong. Some get belligerent (see SoTorn's thread). But all will react once you start doing it well.
As far as her language? Likely as she feels a loss of control and power she will start poking. She'll throw things against the wall and see what sticks. The usual one is "Are you cheating on me?" Always ripe for those that are engaged in EAs or PAs. As if you cheating is terrible despite what they might be doing. (Note, I am not justifying starting a relationship with someone. Just that they do not have the moral high ground they think they do.)
Bo, my advice is double down on DBing. Keep working on detachment. Keep 180ing on things that you need to change about you. GAL like a madman. Be the best dad you can be. Be AMOAFWL!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I guess I’m wondering if by her reactions that I’m doing it ‘well’—her calling me fake, like she’s talking to a brick wall, etc.
I’m sure she probably feels a loss of control—I didn’t react according to script when we went out and had that dinner—I’m sure she expected me to be angry or sad—rather, I didn’t say a whole lot, tried to validate, and thanked her for the chance to find someone I could truly be happy with (also wonder if THAT might be the source of her question about me having someone else).
Not to get all ‘doth protest too much,’ but I’m not in an affair, and I don’t think I’m anywhere close. Still trying to keep tight boundaries with the women in my life.
Trying to work on detachment—but not getting s*cked into her craziness is hard for me in the moment, especially in light of last night. Validating by repeating the last thing she said as a question has been rather positive.
180’ing on a lot—need to get back in to exercise now that I’ve basically kicked the illness from last week. I also did my best not to escalate in last night’s discussion. Trying to look her in the eyes. Trying to listen to her more. Avoid ‘you’ or ‘always’ or ‘never’ statements. Stating my needs better ‘I need from you,’ ‘What I need from you...’ One thing I used to do that she brought up last night that hurt her a ton during our MR was that she would point something out to me and I would overreact and spiral and go all ‘well that means I’m a terrible husband’ and this and that and the other. I feel terrible that I did that (I probably picked that up from my parents—I know it’s weak to blame others, though), but I haven’t done that in a long time (at least a few months, if not longer). I’m trying to kick a lot of the bad emotional habits and hang-ups that have held me back.
GAL’ing is difficult right now, honestly.
I am doubling down on love for the kiddos—they are getting tons of attention, especially YS.
What’s weird is that W this morning sends me a text: Anything you need me to grab from the grocery? I’m going to to try and swing by today
Just weird. ‘Normalcy,’ like last night barely happened.
But yeah the rewriting: Oh back in October I really wasn’t planning on leaving—BUT WHAT YOU DID sealed the deal for this. Of course—it’s my fault.
Wow, this is like a mirror image of what my W said to me. All of the "justifications" she is using for why she wants a D are from my actions or words AFTER the BD in September. She points to one specific conversation I had with my best friend that she heard over a security camera she was listening in on and claims that is when she made the decision, 100%, to D. #1, she admits to only hearing bits and pieces of the conversation and #2, she is directly taking stuff out of context and twisting it to make me out to be the biggest a$$ on the face of the planet. What she thinks I said is so far from the truth I can't even believe it. But, that requires using logic and as we all know, logic isn't something on a WW or WAW's radar.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
What’s bizarre (I mean, what’s not bizarre at this point), is that last night she told me that she allegedly has been DONE for the last year-and-a-half or so (since I guess mid-2017 if her timeline is to be believed).
So, which is it:
Done since mid-2017
ILYBINILWY BD in Feb. 2018 where she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to even be married to me
Or October when she first mentioned a break / S
But my reacting to her proposing a break / S is what did things in?!?!?!?! Oh yes
I had the realization: I wonder if W is calling me ‘fake’ and all that because I’m not reacting the way she expects.
That I’m establishing new behavior patterns and uprooting a lot of the old habits that I used to have (that she keeps referring to and beating me up about).
Maybe she is calling me a fake because she is looking for the old Bo, and can’t see something new through the WAS fog.
I had the realization: I wonder if W is calling me ‘fake’ and all that because I’m not reacting the way she expects.
That I’m establishing new behavior patterns and uprooting a lot of the old habits that I used to have (that she keeps referring to and beating me up about).
Maybe she is calling me a fake because she is looking for the old Bo, and can’t see something new through the WAS fog.
Very possible!! I've told this story before but right before my W returned to the being committed to the marriage, we took a trip to a church marriage retreat. It was on that retreat that she rebelled against the marriage for the last time. But on the way home we were really enjoying each other's company. We had pulled into a drive thru to get food. She was saying something silly. I laughed, repeated it the way she said it (in a, wow that's funny way), and laughed again. She turned, looked at me, and said "who are you?" Previous to BD her silliness would have annoyed me, and I would have impatiently reacted in a negative way.
So it's possible her fake claim is her way of not believing your changes. It takes a long time to trust that someone has changed. Anyone can change for a short time to attain an outcome we desire. It takes time and consistency to prove true change.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What’s bizarre (I mean, what’s not bizarre at this point), is that last night she told me that she allegedly has been DONE for the last year-and-a-half or so (since I guess mid-2017 if her timeline is to be believed).
So, which is it:
Done since mid-2017
ILYBINILWY BD in Feb. 2018 where she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to even be married to me
Or October when she first mentioned a break / S
But my reacting to her proposing a break / S is what did things in?!?!?!?! Oh yes
Yes, I got the same thing, basically. Right after BD, my W mentioned that “she had been checked out for quite a long time.”
This might not directly apply to what we are discussing but it sort of in the same “thread” so to speak. she said something else the day after BD that has stuck with me this entire time. She made a comment about how once women know they are out, they are out. However, men are the opposite and try to do everything to try to make things better. Subtle hint? That’s how I took it. The part about men sounds an awful lot like “too little too late” as well.
I’ve become acutely aware that with a WW, from my experience, the goal posts continue to move.
Last edited by Wanted1; 01/17/1904:58 AM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
