Hi everyone. I have been lurking for a while now and finally decided to join and post about my sitch. I have already found some really great advice, so I thought I would try to get some help with my WAW.
We've been together for 13 years, married for 8. We have two sons 5&3. Since my youngest was born we have had a lot of stress, as he is a difficult child. Now I didn't handle the stress well and it took a toll on our relationship. We stopped doing fun things with each other and basically fell into the routine of raising two kids. Now fast forward to early last year, she started to withdraw from me and she began to text a male co-worker constantly. I told her at the time it made me uncomfortable and she stopped texting him as much. I felt like she was in an EA, but she insists they're just friends. I don't believe it's a PA because I've looked in to that.
Then in September she dropped the bomb and told me ILYB and she wanted a divorce. Initially I did all the wrong things, I begged, pleaded, cried, and promised to change. We all know that didn't work. She moved in with her parents in October. She tells me she has no desire to work on the relationship or try to reconcile, but she did agree to go MC. That was something she had mentioned in the past, but I didn't want to go because I didn't believe our problems were that bad (how I wish I would have gone). Just yesterday she told me she deserves to be happy and doesn't see that happening with me. She claims she has tried over the years to work on our relationship and she no longer wants to put in the effort because in her words she doesn't want to have to work hard to love someone.
Since she dropped the bomb, we have hung out several times and spent the holidays together. We got along well, there was no R talk, we just enjoyed each other's company.However, during our last MC session, she said she didn't want to do things together because she didn't want to give me false hope of us getting back together.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do, should I go limited contact and only speak to her about the kids? My only fear with that is one of her complaints on BD was that we never talked and were basically roommates, so would that just be more of the same.
One positive thing is that I have reconnected with old friends and am trying to stay busy. I have also been trying to have fun things planned for the boys when it's my weekend to have them.
I know I have my faults, we all do, but I have begun going to IC to work on my issues and become a better partner, be it with my W or someone else.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
RV sorry you are here but you have come to the right place. I have some questions for you before I comment more.
Originally Posted by RVA18
I don't believe it's a PA because I've looked in to that. What do you mean by you looked into it? Private Investigator?
[quote=RVA18] She tells me she has no desire to work on the relationship or try to reconcile, but she did agree to go MC.
This doesn't align. MC is for couples who want to work on their marriage. What is your goal in MC?
Originally Posted by RVA18
However, during our last MC session, she said she didn't want to do things together because she didn't want to give me false hope of us getting back together.
So did you stop asking her to do things?
Originally Posted by RVA18
At this point, I'm not sure what to do, should I go limited contact and only speak to her about the kids? My only fear with that is one of her complaints on BD was that we never talked and were basically roommates, so would that just be more of the same.
She fired you as her husband. Go NC unless it's about the kids. What she complained about in the past doesn't matter right now.
Originally Posted by RVA18
One positive thing is that I have reconnected with old friends and am trying to stay busy. I have also been trying to have fun things planned for the boys when it's my weekend to have them.
Awesome! Keep it up!
Originally Posted by RVA18
I know I have my faults, we all do, but I have begun going to IC to work on my issues and become a better partner, be it with my W or someone else.
Should I go limited contact and only speak to her about the kids? My only fear with that is one of her complaints on BD was that we never talked and were basically roommates, so would that just be more of the same.
LH: My goal for MC is to work on our issues and hopefully down the line reconcile. It is hard for me to square what she says about not wanting to work our M, but willing participating in MC. I did not have to push her to go, as soon as I suggested it she said yes.
The MC session where she told me she didn't want to give me false hope was last week, since then I haven't asked her to do anything, nor do I plan to
R2C: Thanks for the links. Yes she is still in contact with OM. I told her on Monday that I deserved better than to have a W that would continue an inappropriate relationship with her co-worker. She really didn't have a response for that.
So much of what you wrote resonates with me and my situation. Never underestimate an EA. We guys tend to focus on the PA, but an EA can do plenty of damage to an MR.
You have already received great advice from some of the vets on here. Read voraciously from the links provided, do not speak/write/do anything that may be considered "pursuit" and trust me there are way more things that constitute pursuit than you probably realize.
