This whole thing as I am learning is not about making her want you back; its about making yourself a man that anyone would want to be with. She may see the changes and think twice; she may never look back. Either way if you work on yourself you come out ready for taking on the world.
I need to keep this in mind, given my thoughts vacillating earlier about do I want W back, or should I look forward to all the lovely women down the road.
The reason I’m ‘drying off’ is that a handyman attempted to replace a kitchen faucet earlier this afternoon, and in doing so he flooded the kitchen, but not before soaking both him and I from head to toe (I was drenched hoodie to shorts and sandals). I was watching him work, and once I started to hear and see the water increase I knew trouble was quickly coming—and boy did it come.
W is overwhelmed by everything from tonight, supposedly—she’s eating cookies and watching videos right now. I’m planning on being home from school / work again tomorrow—thought OS would be home sick again tomorrow, but now I’ll also be here to oversee faucet repairs and kitchen clean-up.
What I’ve noticed in today’s happenings is that I don’t think I went negative or angry. It was more of a “let’s deal with it and git ‘er done” mindset, and I pointed out to W that “hey you know what didn’t get wet—the kitchen dish towels” (oh the irony). And they were directly opposite the sink—but the handyman and I absorbed most of the spraying water, and everything else shot off / trickled to the sides. She found that amusing. We also counted our blessings for tonight—that her mom was here to help with at least one of the kids (she was here to be with OS), virtually nothing irreplaceable was damaged or destroyed. We have a cat (inherited it when I married W), and W thanked the cat for not heading towards the water, and she mentioned that there is an inappropriate joke to be made there somewhere—she didn’t finish the comment, but I knew exactly what she was thinking. It’s a joke she’s made before, about another name for a cat being wet. I played coy while loading the dishwasher and asked her ‘oh, there’s an inappropriate joke there?’ Every now and then, shades of the W that I married.
I need to keep in mind last night’s conversation with W, and balance tonight against what she talked about last night. That I need to keep in mind that if she does decide to kick me to the curb, I’m not exactly going to be at her beck and call for stuff like this—I tend to take the lead on getting maintenance taken care of around the apartment (and I interface with our leasing company to coordinate that stuff), and in making sure the cars get serviced when needed. Oh, you’re getting repairs down at the little apartment that’s part of bird-nesting? So what needs fixing at the townhouse in SB—did I call the leasing company? Yeah, not my day to be there, so you’re on your own. Take off work. Ask your mom for help. Or maybe OM, if he exists.
W has been pretty nice to me all things considered—be so so careful, Bo. Don’t get taken in by her. She asked me if I wanted anything from the grocery this morning (I should have ignored that text tbh); as we were finishing cleaning up she told me that she brought me home her lunch leftovers from work, and she apologized for eating all the chicken from it; she was talking with me and eating cookies, and she offered me a cookie “do you want a cookie? I realize I’ve been standing here all this time and....”
It’s also hard for me to not notice W and what she is wearing—maybe she’s starting to ovulate and I’m picking up on the hormones—don’t know. I’ve gone back and forth in the forum about how physically attracted I am to W—but tonight, like most nights, she’s been walking around in a cami, bra and blue jeans (she does that an awful lot recently—it’s probably easier for breast-feeding YS). She’s asked me what my turn-ons are, and I told her that is one of them—I absolutely love that look. To be fair, I’m sure most women would look really really good in a cami, bra and blue jeans. I also know that most women would probably treat me a h*ll of a lot better than W has been recently. So, ladies who want to get my attention in the future—walk around and keep close company with me while wearing a cami, bra and jeans and I’ll probably notice you, but especially if you’ve got a great heart and a great personality. Need both relative good looks and a great personality / heart to win my attention and devotion. That said, I’m in one of those stretches where I really just want (wait, want is the wrong word, crave is the better word)—crave the company of an amazing woman—to treat well, to build something amazing with, to have and hold, to see and experience the softness of her body. /sigh
And I’m telling myself to not get suckered in by W—“oh man she sure looks nice tonight.” Hey Bo, check yourself—not even 24 hours ago she basically threatened to serve you with divorce papers and potentially get a court order to rip you away from your home where your 2 beloved kids live. She repeatedly made points about how much you’ve hurt her over the years and how it’s your fault she’s unhappy—that back in October you’re the one who pushed her into accepting D as a reality. Think with the upstairs head tonight, and don’t be fooled by her acting all nice and looking all nice.
A final thought / reflection from others’ previous posts:
A fair number of commenters on my sitch have good reason to believe that W is having an A. I believe it was Steve who mentioned that a woman doesn’t need a place to find herself—she needs a place to sleep with someone. In the parenting plan, I believe there was a section about significant others / sexual partners not being permitted around the kids without the other person’s permission. Since the kids will be at the townhouse for ‘nesting,’ that permission probably won’t apply to the other place (!) W mentioned last night that if we go through with each of us rotating between the two places, that she doesn’t need much at the other place. Wonder why right? That if she is indeed having an A, it would be in the bed that I sleep in while it’s my turn to be there. Ew that is so f*cking gross on so many levels.
Have you read my sitch? Start to current? My Ex would do things that I wouldn't outwardly react, but internally I would be like WTF. I don't think I even I wrote about them all on my thread. She would want bathroom privacy and not be naked or even be her underwear around me.....unless she was temp checking. One night I am hiding out in the master closet on the phone removing her from my cc. At this point she had booted S3 from his bed and was making him sleep on the floor. Anyway she comes into the master closet in panties and a camisole and plops down in front of me in a provocative open legged position. I said to her where are your yoga pants, she said she was just too hot to wear them. Another wtf moment mentally, and boy did I want to pounce. I didn't, instead I was nonchalant... another temp check. Your W knows what gets your motor running she is likely temp checking you to make sure your still on the hook. I look back at BD to D and wow Ex had attempted a lot of manipulation. DB helps you avoid that, even when you don't realize it.
Also I think Steve is very correct. She may be in an EA, PA, or her A could be all in her head, but she is going to want to move out to act on it. Its damage control so they can move on with their image intact .
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I’ve been biting my tongue a lot on any sort of snarky comments she would make. It’s a 180 for me—I’m trying not to be baited.
Still on the hook—this may sound naive, but on the hook for what?
Most of the time recently, W walking around like that doesn’t really do anything for me.
She could very well have been temp-checking me last night when I was sitting on the couch, and she came over to me, wearing what I described earlier, and offered me a cookie. So she’s in front of me looking like that. I honestly should have declined the cookie.
2 nights ago when we had our talk she looked all frumpy—and at times I could see shades of her mom in how she looked.
Like I said, I’m sure a lot of other women would look just as good as she does doing that, but I’m also certain that could treat me better than she is doing right now.
I don’t finding leaving marriages and potentially breaking up families all that attractive—physically or emotionally.
Let me clear. I have no idea if she is actively in an A of any type. However, I can guarantee seeing someone is defintiely on her radar if she isn't. That is why WW want separate living arrangements. I know in my sitch, when I heard that from another anti-D expert (not MWD) it really hit home.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand—I have no firm proof, just my suspicions that I’ve mentioned before.
When she S/D BD’ed me earlier this month, she told me that she wasn’t sure if she’d be happier with anyone else. I know, believe nothing they say.
W did propose the other night that she could always stay with her mom (and I think take the boys with her in that instance, too?)
But the idea of if there is someone else for her down the road, and they’re fooling around (or worse) in that other place where I also sleep half-time—that’s.....not appealing at all, to say the least.
I’ve been biting my tongue a lot on any sort of snarky comments she would make. It’s a 180 for me—I’m trying not to be baited.
Still on the hook—this may sound naive, but on the hook for what?
Most of the time recently, W walking around like that doesn’t really do anything for me.
She could very well have been temp-checking me last night when I was sitting on the couch, and she came over to me, wearing what I described earlier, and offered me a cookie. So she’s in front of me looking like that. I honestly should have declined the cookie.
2 nights ago when we had our talk she looked all frumpy—and at times I could see shades of her mom in how she looked.
Like I said, I’m sure a lot of other women would look just as good as she does doing that, but I’m also certain that could treat me better than she is doing right now.
I don’t finding leaving marriages and potentially breaking up families all that attractive—physically or emotionally.
Bo,
She is temp checking you to see if you are on the hook. It means if you are still in pursuit mode, if she has you by the balls, if you are ripe for the picking, if she can manipulate you, if you are still willing to eat the crumbs she is sending your way.
Also if she offers your a cookie to eat and you want to eat it then take it, say thanks, and go back to what you were doing. Nonchalant and no 2 F's given.
Last edited by Twofeet; 01/17/1907:23 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Ugh......I really just need to GTFO when W wants to talk with me.
She came up to me while I was washing bottles for YS, and she told me that she wants to resolve things between us before this September. Why? So she can go for her training this fall, and someone is retiring so she will be able to get a spot at her same office, with the same supervisor she currently has. I told her that I would need to think about that.
Then this prompted essentially a replay of Tuesday night.
She rehashes my fault “why can I never get a straight answer out of you?” “Why should I trust that you will change when you never have for the last 4 years?” And on and on and on.
I really, really think she is trying to go after an ‘abuse’ angle on me for later, if need be. She talked about how I would do things that hurt her, intentionally or unintentionally. She called that abuse—that I keep doing things that hurt her, whether or not I intend to. Once she said that, that’s where my mind raced to—that if things escalate between us, she could serve me papers and get a court order ordering me out of the house, claiming some sort of threat or abuse.
She said she doesn’t want to be my wife.
She then brought up that if I want any chance at reconciling, I should try to work with her on things.
She said that she would consider going to MC with me—under her conditions, that it is a secular one, and that we go as married, but separated (if that makes sense).
She also asked if she needs to get a lawyer. She wants me to seriously consider her proposal—because she believes that it will be fairer than a family court judge, and she really doesn’t want to fight me, but she will if she needs to. She said she doesn’t want to put OS in front of a judge and have him be asked who he wants to live with. (Guilt, manipulation, I know.).
I’m trying to DB as best as I can but saying ‘I need time to think about that’ when she proposes some heavier things to me (like resolving things by September), but she just goes bananas—she gets very emotional, like she’s going to cry. I’m trying to at least not escalate things (which for me, is a vast improvement than what I used to do). I tried validating, but it’s getting me nowhere. She wants to know what I’m thinking and why I’m thinking what I do and doing what I do. Why does she care so much about this?
A little while later after the conversation, I was prepping tomorrow’s dinner, and she was getting YS’ bottles together. I noticed she packed some breast milk cubes into a bottle, and said ‘using ice cubes?’ Trying to DB by not totally ignoring her, but then she tells me that stress impacts breast milk production—and that her milk production has been way down since Tuesday (when we had our late night chat). I told her that you can do what you can do, and she said to me as she walked out ‘And YOU can do your part.’
Good thing I will be talking with L on Monday afternoon—something just tells me that if things escalate, she wants to play the emotionally abusive card against me.
Spent most of today waiting around on / with the handyman to fix / clean-up yesterday faucet fiasco.
Today in GAL: 30 push-ups (getting back into exercise), and went out to grab some coffee in the late afternoon (out to Starbucks) for a pick-me-up, but also to just get out and be around others, if only for a little while. $2.75 coffee is a small price to pay to keep some semblance of sanity.
I’ve read on the forums about others’ dating adventures. While I’m nowhere near close to a resolution on things with W (see above), I had something of an epiphany this afternoon.
The idea of going on dates, making out, and having sex (but for me, within an MR) all sound fantastic—and while all that seems so far away at present, I realize that I’m one day closer to those things happening again—whether it is with W, or with someone else down the road.
She rehashes my fault “why can I never get a straight answer out of you?” “Why should I trust that you will change when you never have for the last 4 years?” And on and on and on.
I really, really think she is trying to go after an ‘abuse’ angle on me for later, if need be. She talked about how I would do things that hurt her, intentionally or unintentionally. She called that abuse—that I keep doing things that hurt her, whether or not I intend to. Once she said that, that’s where my mind raced to—that if things escalate between us, she could serve me papers and get a court order ordering me out of the house, claiming some sort of threat or abuse.
Here's the thing Bo, she probably does believe what she's saying, or at least wants to believe it. She's in full-on WAS mode and looking for reasons to justify her behavior and desire to end things. She no doubt has an enabler or two or three (male or female or both) that are offering her tons of validation right now, so they are telling her what she wants to hear (oh poor you, you've suffered so long, you are doing the right thing). So that feeds into her worldview. All you can do is detach from her as much as possible and keep your L informed of what's going on.
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She said she doesn’t want to be my wife.
Well there's a newsflash.
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She then brought up that if I want any chance at reconciling, I should try to work with her on things.
Dangling the carrot out there again. When she says these things are you now seeing it for the manipulation it is?
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She said that she would consider going to MC with me—under her conditions, that it is a secular one, and that we go as married, but separated (if that makes sense).
What was your response to this? Hopefully you see now it's only a tactic to her. She doesn't give a rip about trying to salvage the M, not right now.
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She also asked if she needs to get a lawyer. She wants me to seriously consider her proposal—because she believes that it will be fairer than a family court judge, and she really doesn’t want to fight me, but she will if she needs to. She said she doesn’t want to put OS in front of a judge and have him be asked who he wants to live with. (Guilt, manipulation, I know.).
Wow she really goes for it in these R talks. Threats, manipulation tactics, incentives, offering hope, crushing hope. It's amazing to me that she (and many other WAS's) are not willing to negotiate a single point. It's "my way or we go to court and battle it out".
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I’m trying to DB as best as I can but saying ‘I need time to think about that’ when she proposes some heavier things to me (like resolving things by September)
What does that mean about "resolving things"? Does she mean she wants the D completed by then?
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So tonight was basically a big failure.
How so? Sounds to me like status quo. Nothing gained nothing lost over the previous similar talk. If you maintained your cool throughout then chalk it up as a success.
