Married 12 years together for 17 . wife is 34 yrs old, im 36.
Have had some issued in the past but i thought everything was giong great these past 3 or 4 years. Out of nowhere she says i need some space and time to find myself. Obviously this hit me very hard. We were making plans to move cross country together , start business together etc. After a few days of still being in same house she said your gonna have to get out so i can have the time and space i need to find myself. She claimed that she didnt have a identity anymore. She started seing a therapist the week before i left. This happened sometime in november. I have been gone 6 weeks and i'm currently 800+ miles away from her... So we missed xmas together, new years, and our dogs 15th bday since i been gone . She almost let me come home 3 different times then changed her mind and said she couldnt handle it . She told me since i have been gone she " thinks she is done with the marriage " then it got to the point of I love you but im not in love with you anymore . Next, I heard I dont think I ever loved you. That one hurt the worst. Obviously I dont believe that she really feels that way. There are a lot of factors. We have never been able to get pregnant and it has always been extremely hard on her. I didnt show her enough empathy when we werent able to now that i reflect back. I have been through all the messages we sent to eachother and she would say that now that i look back. She would also say a lot " you dont appreciate me " So she was fianlly able to get on clomid in august of 18. She was on it aug sept oct. We were still not able to get pregnant and she had a dr apt november 6th. I have the texts of her telling me the dr said she thought it was me and i needed to get tested again to see what my counts were. She said in the texts we need to get you tested and see what our next steps are. We can try iui, and maybe ivf next. she said " i want at least one kid together " we have talked abou this etc etc . Then a week later she stopped talking to me for 3 days straight then thats when she told me she needed some time and space. She didnt know what was real or fake with her feelings. So part of me thinks all this is just a mlc, but i have no way of knowing that for sure. Going from trying to have a child together to kicking me out of the house in that short of time is just so odd to me.
The first few weeks I was gone she called me almost daily. Lots of contact and of course before i left and during these few weeks i was begging for another chance pleeding, etc. Push behavoirs . I have since stopped those and I haven't braught anything up in weeks and weeks . She would call and say she was lonely and stuff but wouldnt ask me to come home. If I braught it up shed say I Cant handle that. I dont know how that would work. A few times I did no contact and she would call balling asking me if i hated her. That she was sorry for doing this and she didnt want to hurt me. She wanted to continue to talk and didn't want to stop talking all together. I have since started therapy myself in the state i am currently in although i have only been 1 time so far. Her therapist has told her things like " if you arent invested in saving your marriage then theres no point in trying, or going to marriage therapy " it would just be a waste of time she said. I tried to get her to go before i left and she said no I have no interest at this time. I want to go alone for now. Contact has since slowed way down but she text me just yesterday saying " hey, just checking in " Im not sure what that means. She contacts me 99% of the time . I hardly ever send her msg or call her. I think 2 times in 6 weeks I have initiated contact. When she calls all we ever talk about is just what shes been up to, shopping usually lol, her work , etc. We never talk about the relationship whatsoever.
We were best friends hung out 24/7. We had a blog together about fitness and health and wellness. Used to work out together everyday at gym. I lost over 90 lbs and she lost 40 over 2 years and are in the best shape of our lives. We go hiking together, go out on date nights to eat all the time. I know over the years she felt that i controlled her cause she didnt have hardly any friends and didnt do anything outside of our marriage. We only hang out with eachother thats it. We live in Colorado moved there 4 years ago and we seriously had 0 friends in 4 years. Thats why I am currently in another state. I have no family or friends there to stay with. She doesnt either.
She has told me multiple times right after i left " i dont think you can be the husband i need you to be or want you to be" and also I cant be myself around you.
That is my current state , I went and picked up Divorce Remedy yesterday and I am currently reading it. I know I know not to show her or tell her im reading it but man there are some great things I have read so far that Michele talks about that she is doing/feeling that I wish she could read. I just read something good a litte bit ago that i liked.
" There are improtant morals of the two stories you just ready . The first you can focus on whats missing in your life and be miserable and make everythone around you miserale; or you can focus on what you have and feel pleased and help everyone around you feel good about themselves and about you. Second, even if your spouse isnt doing exactly what you had hoped for, dont withould praise and positive feedback. When you encourage small steps along the way your spouse will see you as an ally rather then a enemy and be much more likely to want to please you. With any luck , s/he might eventually get it right.
She has said many times " something is missing something is missing " so i wish she could sure read that , along with may other points michele points out in the book about waw and divorce etc etc. Michele even uses words like if your the spouse that is wanting out , i know you wont agree with this statement etc. So what is the reason a spouse who wants out cant read this book ?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
After a few days of still being in same house she said your gonna have to get out so i can have the time and space i need to find myself. She claimed that she didnt have a identity anymore. She started seing a therapist the week before i left. This happened sometime in november. I have been gone 6 weeks and i'm currently 800+ miles away from her...
Where are you now and why did you leave?
I notice you said she 'kicked you out of the house', but to me, it looks like you volunteered to leave as soon as she said she needed space. Why didnt she go somewhere else to find it?
After a few days of still being in same house she said your gonna have to get out so i can have the time and space i need to find myself. She claimed that she didnt have a identity anymore. She started seing a therapist the week before i left. This happened sometime in november. I have been gone 6 weeks and i'm currently 800+ miles away from her...
You shouldn't have left the house, you should have said "I'm not going anywhere, but if you feel you need time and space bad enough to leave then I will respect your wishes and will not try to stop you." Why? Because usually when a wife walks it's because she has lost respect for her H. And when he caves in on all her demands to try to placate her, it just makes it worse because then she REALLY doesn't respect him. But you did move out, so that's water under the bridge. Can I ask why you are 800 miles away though? You mentioned you had no friends there, but did you not have a job? Seems odd to pick up and move THAT far away. It does have an upside, makes it easier to detach when you rarely see her.
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She almost let me come home 3 different times then changed her mind and said she couldnt handle it . She told me since i have been gone she " thinks she is done with the marriage " then it got to the point of I love you but im not in love with you anymore .
This is all typical. Read DR and read Sandi's rules. One is not to believe anything she says, because right now there's a storm in her head and nothing believable or substantial will come out of that storm.
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Next, I heard I dont think I ever loved you. That one hurt the worst.
She's in a fog. Right now she believes that's true, but it's not and some day she will come out of the fog and remember more clearly.
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Going from trying to have a child together to kicking me out of the house in that short of time is just so odd to me.
Definitely strange, but we've had similar stories here.
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Her therapist has told her things like " if you arent invested in saving your marriage then theres no point in trying, or going to marriage therapy " it would just be a waste of time she said.
Yes this too is pretty typical. Most IC's are really just divorce facilitators. They will just listen and validate. If they hear someone say they want out then they will just mirror that back.
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When she calls all we ever talk about is just what shes been up to, shopping usually lol, her work , etc. We never talk about the relationship whatsoever.
That's actually great, keep that up.
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She has told me multiple times right after i left " i dont think you can be the husband i need you to be or want you to be" and also I cant be myself around you.
Just listen and validate. "I hear you saying you don't see us staying married, I'm sure this is very difficult for you and I appreciate you sharing your feelings." Validation isn't AGREEING, it's just acknowledging.
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I know I know not to show her or tell her im reading it but man there are some great things I have read so far that Michele talks about that she is doing/feeling that I wish she could read.
Sure there are, but the problem is she will not listen to ANYTHING you say. So don't even try. Believe me, almost all of us went down that road. Send them articles, books, blurbs out of books, things a counselor said, ANYTHING to try and get them to "wake up". It never, ever works. She is on a journey that she must make, you cannot speed her journey but you can slow it down.
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So what is the reason a spouse who wants out cant read this book ?
If you're playing poker and show everyone your hand before the betting starts then you will never, ever win. Same thing, if she knows you read a book and are doing things from the book then everything you do she will see as "tricks to get her back". They need to seem genuine, and they need to be genuine. But she will never believe it if she knows about the book.
After a few days of still being in same house she said your gonna have to get out so i can have the time and space i need to find myself. She claimed that she didnt have a identity anymore. She started seing a therapist the week before i left. This happened sometime in november. I have been gone 6 weeks and i'm currently 800+ miles away from her...
Where are you now and why did you leave?
I notice you said she 'kicked you out of the house', but to me, it looks like you volunteered to leave as soon as she said she needed space. Why didnt she go somewhere else to find it?
I shouldnt have left . when she first asked me to leave i stayed another 2 weeks after that. I regret leaving. She was to the point where she was screaming for me to leave. IT will be worse if you stay she said. THIS IS WHAT I NEED ITS your only chance to save our marriage she said. So It went against everything I stood for but I left anyway. I Am in missouri currently.
You shouldn't have left the house, you should have said "I'm not going anywhere, but if you feel you need time and space bad enough to leave then I will respect your wishes and will not try to stop you." Why? Because usually when a wife walks it's because she has lost respect for her H. And when he caves in on all her demands to try to placate her, it just makes it worse because then she REALLY doesn't respect him. But you did move out, so that's water under the bridge. Can I ask why you are 800 miles away though? You mentioned you had no friends there, but did you not have a job? Seems odd to pick up and move THAT far away. It does have an upside, makes it easier to detach when you rarely see her.
I Did say that to begin with , then it just kept getting worse and worse and i never should have left.
So It went against everything I stood for but I left anyway. I Am in missouri currently.
So what is stopping you from moving home?
thats a great Question... I have no idea what to do at this point. She hasn't said im not welcome she just said she doesnt wanna be in the same household.
So It went against everything I stood for but I left anyway. I Am in missouri currently.
So what is stopping you from moving home?
thats a great Question... I have no idea what to do at this point. She has said you can't come home im not ready for that etc etc. she also said i dont think we can be under the same roof at the same time.
I have no idea what to do at this point. She has said you can't come home im not ready for that etc etc. she also said i dont think we can be under the same roof at the same time.
You move back into your house ASAP. You sleep in the master bedroom.
W:"H, bla bla bla why are you back, bla bla bla" H:"I decided I like it here" W:"Bla bla bla bla bla .. you need to leave bla bla bla" H:"I am sorry you feel that way. If you need time and space, you are free to leave"
Do this calmly. Pay attention to your body language, and tone. Maintain strong eye contact.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
