I feel impressed to bring up her depression. Maybe it was b/c you were dealing with your own inner turmoil during the last thread, is why there was very little response from you when it was suggested she was depressed. Hopefully, you will listen to what I have to add.
I have dealt with depression most of my adult life. For years, I did not know it was depression......I just thought there was something wrong in our MR. Like your W, I did not want to leave the house, except to attend church and take the kids to school. I would go all day with hardly touching the house, just watching the soaps on TV. Everything you described about your W could be said about me, too. When a woman is depressed, she doesn't have interest in how her house looks, or being involved with any activities. She doesn't feel happy, but she doesn't understand why. And another thing I experienced was very low sex drive. Yes, it all falls under the heading of depression. Some people believe a "real" Christian should never be depressed. Those people don't understand chemical depression or hormonal imbalance. It has nothing to do with faith or spiritual beliefs. It isn't something the person can control.
Not long before I went into my overt rebellious stage, I had been given various prescriptions for depression. I was also being medicated for another health problem. I saw several doctors over a few years, and they all had their own opinion of what prescriptions, if any, I should be given. I remember being on four anti-depressants at the same time. Then, I was yanked off all of them, cold turkey. It's a wonder I had not committed suicide! I never felt like taking my life. I just felt like I wasn't happy in my marriage. When I was prescribed Zoloft, that's when I started feeling as if I was dead on the inside. I didn't cry. But I didn't laugh, either. I was just numb. Zoloft should be named, "Zero". I had zero feelings, and zero sex drive, and zero interest in anything. During my Zoloft experience, I felt so utterly bored and disinterested in everything that I began playing online games. You know, those type where another player can join? Well, long story short, that was the beginning of my downfall.
Anyway, that was a long time ago. Am I blaming my waywardness on the prescription medication? No, I take full responsibility for my actions. I don't know how much they might have influenced me. I don't believe I was healthy, but I was not forced against my will. But here's the thing....I remember when I felt something! I felt the thrill of having another man feed my ego. I did not want to lose it, b/c I had been so numb for so long.
I still have to take medication for depression, but I've learned to watch which ones don't help. Through experience I have learned when I don't want to get out of bed, and have no motivation to get dressed, or brush my hair, then I'm not getting the proper dosage or the right medication.
So, I'm saying this to suggest that perhaps your wife is not a bad housekeeper, but she's depressed. Maybe she would care more about her looks, if she was taking the correct dosage or correct medication. Everything you've described about her screams that she is very depressed. Just b/c she's taking two anti-depressants doesn't mean they are the right ones for her. When a woman is happy, she feels motivated to have a clean home, and to do things in her life. Oh, and I noticed that when I feel happier, my sex drive is higher, too.
Please, learn about your W's depression. Find out what causes it, how she feels, and see if the doctor will try a different anti-depressant. I feel sorry for the spouses of depressed people. But many of them don't bother to learn more about the illness.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I feel impressed to bring up her depression. Maybe it was b/c you were dealing with your own inner turmoil during the last thread, is why there was very little response from you when it was suggested she was depressed. Hopefully, you will listen to what I have to add.
I have dealt with depression most of my adult life. For years, I did not know it was depression......I just thought there was something wrong in our MR. Like your W, I did not want to leave the house, except to attend church and take the kids to school. I would go all day with hardly touching the house, just watching the soaps on TV. Everything you described about your W could be said about me, too. When a woman is depressed, she doesn't have interest in how her house looks, or being involved with any activities. She doesn't feel happy, but she doesn't understand why. And another thing I experienced was very low sex drive. Yes, it all falls under the heading of depression. Some people believe a "real" Christian should never be depressed. Those people don't understand chemical depression or hormonal imbalance. It has nothing to do with faith or spiritual beliefs. It isn't something the person can control.
Not long before I went into my overt rebellious stage, I had been given various prescriptions for depression. I was also being medicated for another health problem. I saw several doctors over a few years, and they all had their own opinion of what prescriptions, if any, I should be given. I remember being on four anti-depressants at the same time. Then, I was yanked off all of them, cold turkey. It's a wonder I had not committed suicide! I never felt like taking my life. I just felt like I wasn't happy in my marriage. When I was prescribed Zoloft, that's when I started feeling as if I was dead on the inside. I didn't cry. But I didn't laugh, either. I was just numb. Zoloft should be named, "Zero". I had zero feelings, and zero sex drive, and zero interest in anything. During my Zoloft experience, I felt so utterly bored and disinterested in everything that I began playing online games. You know, those type where another player can join? Well, long story short, that was the beginning of my downfall.
Anyway, that was a long time ago. Am I blaming my waywardness on the prescription medication? No, I take full responsibility for my actions. I don't know how much they might have influenced me. I don't believe I was healthy, but I was not forced against my will. But here's the thing....I remember when I felt something! I felt the thrill of having another man feed my ego. I did not want to lose it, b/c I had been so numb for so long.
I still have to take medication for depression, but I've learned to watch which ones don't help. Through experience I have learned when I don't want to get out of bed, and have no motivation to get dressed, or brush my hair, then I'm not getting the proper dosage or the right medication.
So, I'm saying this to suggest that perhaps your wife is not a bad housekeeper, but she's depressed. Maybe she would care more about her looks, if she was taking the correct dosage or correct medication. Everything you've described about her screams that she is very depressed. Just b/c she's taking two anti-depressants doesn't mean they are the right ones for her. When a woman is happy, she feels motivated to have a clean home, and to do things in her life. Oh, and I noticed that when I feel happier, my sex drive is higher, too.
Please, learn about your W's depression. Find out what causes it, how she feels, and see if the doctor will try a different anti-depressant. I feel sorry for the spouses of depressed people. But many of them don't bother to learn more about the illness.
((hugs))
Thanks sandi. As always you are spot on. If you go back to my first thread you'll see that I came to this forum because I found a post from another poster about the problems anti-depressants can cause in marriages. And until Sept. 2017 everything you've described was my W to a tee. She's never been a good housekeeper (even when she lived alone before we were married!), but as she got more and more depressed and gave up it became worse and worse. She's never been one to worry about the latest fashion trends, but over the years leading up to Sept 2017 she had just completely quit trying. Same with her hair and rest of her appearance. Our sex life went from barely there to non-existent.
Starting fall of 2017 that all changed. Suddenly she was taking care of her skin and hair. She was interested in new clothes. The house was another matter, but again she has never been much of a housekeeper. Of course this was all because of the excitement she found in the singing app, the words of affirmation she was getting for her singing, and the zest for life again leading her into waywardness.
Her doctor is interested in weaning her off of the meds; she takes two and zoloft is one, wellbutrin is the other. Wellbutrin is well known for making some people's libido go into overdrive, btw. Anyway, she too is interested in coming off of them. I am surprised you stopped cold turkey. Her prescriptions ran out over Christmas break and the physical withdrawals, very flu like, were severe. I eventually took matters into my own hands (I know, rescuing her again!) and called her DRs office, got emergency scripts called in. and got her Dr appointment scheduled this month so she can be evaluated again.
The good news sandi is that since we started piecing, she has been much better. She still isn't a great housekeeper, but is more interested in keeping things at least picked up. She is still much more into how she looks, and what she wears. And our sex life is better than it has been at anytime in our nearly 20 year marriage. This is why I will never take the singing app away from her. I am back in a place of trusting her, and I think having an outlet for her singing ability is the best medicine, better than any anti-depressant could ever hope to be!
More importantly, I continue to be a much better version of Steve85 than before. I continue to cement my 180s, I have dropped my nice guy tendencies, I continue to work on my self-differentiation. And I continue to have a life! Things are much better.
Not sure what it was I went through. I like your description: "Maybe it was b/c you were dealing with your own inner turmoil". Turmoil was a good word. Luckily it hit during the holidays, when through all of the events I had to put on the right face. I am a firm believer now in that feelings follow actions, not necessarily the reverse. Fake it until you make it!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'd love to hear about this nice guy tendencies and how you fixed it. I wonder if I have (had) this problem. Could you maybe tell me more about it on my thread whenever you have some time.
SO I thought about this some more, and am wondering if maybe the stress of the old house not selling is causing her stress. I know the new house is not the way either of us would like it. We want new kitchen counters, some furniture, paint, and a lot of that is hinging on the other place selling. She has expresses some dismay at "making us buy this new house and not having the old one sell".
Financially we are doing fine. I would describe it as treading water. (Slightly better as I am still contributing to my retirement, but not gaining any savings right now.) But she is feeling like she put us into a bind. And that might be weighing on her.
Another thing is that both of us want to start exercising. The old house didn't have a basement, so we had a recumbent bike in a spare room, but that was in. Gym memberships on and off over the years were how we tried to work out. Now we have a huge basement, and I want to buy some equipment for down there. That also is contingent on the house selling. She feels like she is getting out of shape and it is bugging her.
So all of that could be contributing to some depression. Though the MR 2.0 is awesome, we are more connected than we have been since we've dated, but she is very hard on herself a lot.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Can she join a gym now and you can postpone the basement gym until later when the house sells? You've probably seen me talk about Crossfit but I'm also a member at Anytime Fitness. It's like 35 bucks a month and is really nicely equipped. Plus if I'm traveling for business I have a fob that gets me into any AF club around the country so I can work out no matter where I am (even most small towns have one).
Regarding the new house, maybe do some cheaper things to help her feel like something is getting done and save the more expensive stuff for later. Painting doesn't cost much, maybe that's a good project to get started on.
Can she join a gym now and you can postpone the basement gym until later when the house sells? You've probably seen me talk about Crossfit but I'm also a member at Anytime Fitness. It's like 35 bucks a month and is really nicely equipped. Plus if I'm traveling for business I have a fob that gets me into any AF club around the country so I can work out no matter where I am (even most small towns have one).
Regarding the new house, maybe do some cheaper things to help her feel like something is getting done and save the more expensive stuff for later. Painting doesn't cost much, maybe that's a good project to get started on.
Yes, there is a local gym chain location 2 miles from the new place. I will encourage her to join (she already mentioned it). It is $35/month.
On the painting. Unfortunately this new place has really high cathedral ceilings in the rooms we want to paint. If it was us doing it we'd be golden, but we will have to hire people with the right equipment (scaffolding, etc).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Her Dr believes that these should be used temporarily replaced by psychiatric evaluation and therapy. But she's been easy on my W treated to that. All she can do is encourage her to follow thru
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So yesterday the sermon at church was on mending a broken marriage. Good stuff about not giving up, remaining committed, etc. It would have been so timely if it was last year! On 1/13 last year we were deep in the midst of our sitch, with her sure she wanted out. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but she did seem receptive to things that were contrary to her desire, depending on the source. I remember she said after she had come out of her waywardness that she was looking for opposition to what she was wanting and feeling. Hoping something would snap her out of it I think this goes to my point earlier about her not having moved into full blown waywardness since she was still relying on her morals, which she hadn't completely given up yet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree with all of your depression thoughts and different medications. I look back over the years and my W has been on and off anti depressants our entire M. Some have worked some haven't and some have had adverse side effects, like weight gain that have made things worse for someone with very low self esteem.
W is on a good one now that seems to help but she still expresses being depressed sometimes and hopelessness for her to ever be happy. You've heard my story about W appearing "off her rocker" and I have discussed with IC at times that I think my Ws waywardness could be her trying to escape her depression.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
