She acts as if this whole thing doesn't bother her at all. W acts like she couldn't care less about me and just wants to be away from me. I don't know if that's really how she feels but it is what she projects when we're together. I just can't believe what a 180 she has done since BD. It makes me question everything from our MR and whether she ever truly loved me.
Her mindset has changed, and unfortunately, she probably doesn't feel positive emotions for you at the moment. She's not going to act like the girl you knew on your wedding day. She has allowed negative feelings to take over, and all she is currently concerned about......is herself. The wayward W is truly a most selfish creature!
One of the biggest things to deal with is her wanting to eat cake (as we call it). She wants to live like a single person, but she still wants you to be available and emotionally connected to her. That's why she makes it difficult to go NC with her. She will find some reason to contact you and try to pull you in emotionally. Just remember, she wants the best of both worlds, and as long as she gets it.......she is not going to experience the loss of her MR, thereby, not turning back from her waywardness.
Letting her go is the right frame of attitude to have. However, you need to add legs to that thinking. As long as you are doing things for her or with her (like getting haircuts for the boys), then she doesn't really experience that loss......right? So what, if she can't handle both of them when getting haircuts? That's her problem, and one of the consequences of choosing to be a single mom of two little children. Do I sound cold-hearted? If I do, it's b/c I know how dark and cold the heart of a WW can be. I also know it is possible for a WW to turn back around......but first things first.
You want her to miss you? I dare say it is you that is struggling with missing her. You are normal. The WW is not normal. She has lost her moral compass, and her emotions dictate her decision-making. That's pretty scary, b/c emotions were not designed to think. Just warning you, b/c you will swear she has lost her mind before this is over. So, you can't afford to lose your mind, too. Those kids have got to have at least one parent with a brain. Therefore, don't succumb to your emotions and let them dictate your actions.
It's very important that you know your core values. You will be tempted and tested to make allowances, just to get your W back. Think very carefully and take plenty of time before you start compromising your core values, your spiritual belief system, and your integrity. There is one person you will never be able to escape, and that's YOU. The upside to that is you are the only one you truly control.
Another symptom of the WW is a lack of respect for her H. She doesn't respect you as her H or as a man. Who knows when those feelings started, but at some point......she let it slip into verbal or overt signs of disrespect. Maybe you let it roll off your back, rather than addressing at the time. Perhaps you didn't know certain behavior was a sign of a W feeling disrespect for her H. If you want to read more along this topic, I have several threads about the WW. The first one has a link in Cadet's post to you.
Losing her respect has affected her level of "in love" feelings for you. That's how women are designed. When they take a H, they have to feel respect/admiration for him, in order to feel real love for him. Therefore, your W will need to see you through the eyes of respect, in everything you do...........and that requires tough love on your part. You are dealing with a different woman than you originally married.
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I hope as time goes on the detaching will get easier, but right now it's very hard.
It depends on you. There are no quick/easy fixes, no magic bullets, no guaranteed formula. IMHO, letting her go, and GAL like crazy (for real) is the best way of getting through this ordeal, but you have to consider that I've never been a LBS. I've been in the shoes of a WW, and I've been on the DB board a long time, reading stories just like yours. My M was saved, and sometimes I have the pleasure of reading about another M saved.
You may hear someone say that in order to save your M, you have to let it go........or something similar. My version would be to tell you to find the man you use to be before you got M, and improve that guy if needed. Don't work at saving your M, right now. Work at saving yourself. The minute you let go of your W.....she will know it. And, it usually has some pretty amazing results, if you keep a cool head.
I hope you'll read those threads. In the meantime, any background information you can give us will help. What type of childhood did your W experience?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I really appreciate your thoughts. I had been lurking for a while before I decided to join so I am familiar with your posts. You're absolutely right about her becoming a selfish creature. Since BD she keeps insisting that she is doing all of this for her and that she is finally focusing on herself.
Going NC has been difficult because she finds ways to contact me, usually regarding the kids. I feel like she uses the kids as a reason to contact me. I try not to contact her when I have the kids unless it's something that needs immediate addressing, like when S3 fell off the bed this weekend and cut his head (nothing serious). And if you knew S3, that's par for the course he is my injury prone child.
I don't want to lose who I am in this whole process and I like to think that I wouldn't sacrifice my principles to save my MR. I would hope if it got to that point, I would be the one to walk away.
Some background, my wife grew up in a very religious family, went to a tiny private high school and led a pretty sheltered life, as the two of us call it. We met our first year in college and have been together ever since. I wonder in the back of my mind if this has something to do with her never having been on her own because she basically went from living with her parents when she was in high school then to college where we met pretty early into our freshmen year. During one of our discussions I think she mentioned something about never having been alone and wanting to see what that is like. Again pretty selfish.
Some background, my wife grew up in a very religious family, went to a tiny private high school and led a pretty sheltered life, as the two of us call it. We met our first year in college and have been together ever since. I wonder in the back of my mind if this has something to do with her never having been on her own because she basically went from living with her parents when she was in high school then to college where we met pretty early into our freshmen year. During one of our discussions I think she mentioned something about never having been alone and wanting to see what that is like. Again pretty selfish.
I know many, many women who grew up very similar to your W, and they did not decide they wanted to "go find themselves" or "see what it's like living on her own". These statements are common excuses the WW makes, when the truth is she has a hidden agenda.
It's all about her. She thinks it's her time to focus on herself and do whatever it takes to be happy. So, she tries to convince you that she's been unhappy in her M, and perhaps she's never loved you. It's what we call "script", b/c these WW's say so many things as if they all were reading from the same script.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
[quote] I know many, many women who grew up very similar to your W, and they did not decide they wanted to "go find themselves" or "see what it's like living on her own". These statements are common excuses the WW makes, when the truth is she has a hidden agenda.
It's all about her. She thinks it's her time to focus on herself and do whatever it takes to be happy. So, she tries to convince you that she's been unhappy in her M, and perhaps she's never loved you. It's what we call "script", b/c these WW's say so many things as if they all were reading from the same script.
She has definitely tried to convince me that she's been unhappy in our marriage. She can't say for how long or how it started but it seems to coincide with her relationship with her coworker. I think I may not have been meeting get emotional needs so she turned to this other guy for that and not she thinks the only way to be happy is to find someone else.
We have MC this evening and honestly I don't care about going. The last couple of days I've felt that I don't care what happens in my MR anymore and I'm ready to stop trying to fix it. I don't know what happened but it was like a switch that flipped and I just felt like I'm done trying to fix this and only want to fix myself. I think it has to do with my limited contact with W over the last week. I'm ready to be happy and see what life has in store for me down the road. I'm sure that I'll cycle down again but for right now I'm trying to have a positive outlook on me and my life rather than clinging to my W.
I really appreciate your thoughts. I had been lurking for a while before I decided to join so I am familiar with your posts. You're absolutely right about her becoming a selfish creature. Since BD she keeps insisting that she is doing all of this for her and that she is finally focusing on herself.
Going NC has been difficult because she finds ways to contact me, usually regarding the kids. I feel like she uses the kids as a reason to contact me. I try not to contact her when I have the kids unless it's something that needs immediate addressing, like when S3 fell off the bed this weekend and cut his head (nothing serious). And if you knew S3, that's par for the course he is my injury prone child.
I don't want to lose who I am in this whole process and I like to think that I wouldn't sacrifice my principles to save my MR. I would hope if it got to that point, I would be the one to walk away.
Some background, my wife grew up in a very religious family, went to a tiny private high school and led a pretty sheltered life, as the two of us call it. We met our first year in college and have been together ever since. I wonder in the back of my mind if this has something to do with her never having been on her own because she basically went from living with her parents when she was in high school then to college where we met pretty early into our freshmen year. During one of our discussions I think she mentioned something about never having been alone and wanting to see what that is like. Again pretty selfish.
My w and i met in high school and been with each other ever since then. Ive often wondered the same thing . She never dated really or neither one of us did the single thing. I have thought many times over the years some of her comments would lead me to believe she would rather be single sometimes. Just here and there over the 17 years together. Def makes you think
She has definitely tried to convince me that she's been unhappy in our marriage. She can't say for how long or how it started but it seems to coincide with her relationship with her coworker.
Yea funny how that works. Oh my god you're so horrible, my hands were tied, it's your fault, if only you'd have been there for me emotionally.
Cheaters piss me off.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well MC didn't go well on Tuesday. She decided to tell me she wants to start having her paycheck deposited into her own account. I didn't handle this well because I see it as one step closer to D. When I told her fine we'll do that and we'll start to live like we're divorced she got frustrated and said that's not what she meant when she suggested it. The plan is for her to pay me her half of the expenses. I told her at some point if this keeps going forward, she's going to have to refinance the car to get it out of my name. I noticed that when I start to suggest things that have to be done in order to D she gets frustrated or upset.
During MC we got to talking about OM and it spiraled from there. After MC we continued talking about OM and she told me we have to stop talking about it because it's only driving her further away because there's nothing going on with him. She said it's not good for us to keep having conversations about OM because it just drives her away. My question is, if she's so adamant about D, why does she care about being driven further away from me. This makes me think she's not as sure about D as she says she is. I will drop the talks about OM and see what happens going forward.
Her plan to pay you for half of the expenses is fine. I can see how you see it one step closer to divorce, but it's OK for now. It took me a while, but I finally did it and it was for the best.
Originally Posted by RVA18
I noticed that when I start to suggest things that have to be done in order to D she gets frustrated or upset.
Do you want a divorce? B/c if not, I'd stop bringing it up so much. Everyone knows that you'd have to do these things to get divorced and it makes your W wonder why you brought it up. But it's a rookie mistake so don't sweat it.
I do think you don't need to be focused on the OM. Your W needs to address this at some point if she comes back. You don't just get to start seeing other people when you're married - unless maybe you agreed to that while the two of y'all were up on the altar. If you can't say it in front of friends and family b/c it's shady and crappy, then it's wrong! But that's my opinion and I'm kinda funny like that.
What else was discussed in MC?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I noticed that when I start to suggest things that have to be done in order to D she gets frustrated or upset.
Yes it frustrates her because logically she knows that D is the wrong thing to do. Unfortunately she will make her decisions based on emotions.
Originally Posted by RVA18
During MC we got to talking about OM and it spiraled from there. After MC we continued talking about OM and she told me we have to stop talking about it because it's only driving her further away because there's nothing going on with him.She said it's not good for us to keep having conversations about OM because it just drives her away.
RV I didn't go back through your thread to see if you were advised on MC. If your W has an OM you are wasting your time and money in MC. You can't make things better with a third party involved. An honest MC will even tell you that you are wasting your time if she is in an ea/pa. Most likely she will use it against you and say we tried everything and couldn't make it work.
Originally Posted by RVA18
My question is, if she's so adamant about D, why does she care about being driven further away from me. This makes me think she's not as sure about D as she says she is.
She doesn't. She just doesn't want you bringing it up because it paints a bad picture of her to friends and family. She wants to D you move on and miraculously months later her and OM get together but after you were D'd.
