Quotes found on Divorcebusting (7)

[Ready2Change]

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I can only speak from my own experience, but the level of communication I had depended on the level I needed to heal. Whilst my emotions were still at the mercy of his behaviour / mood swings, then it was best for me to keep it polite, but to the bare minimum. If I did this, then there was less for me to analyse and dissect and less for me to get hurt or angry about. I could not heal if all my thoughts were about him, about what he meant when he said 'I'll see you later tonight" or "I'll drop the children off at ...". At first, detachment is something you do (you force yourself to do it because every fibre of your being is working against detaching) but eventually it is something you become.

Once I was no longer affected by him, then I relaxed my stance. We have moved beyond the "yes", "no" and no response to informational texts. Ours are polite and well meaning but not lengthy or funny. Be careful detachment doesn't turn into rudeness.

Casual acquaintances - the neighbor you don't really know but say hello to if you run into them. If you ran into your neighbor in the store, you'd say hello, make small talk and then merrily go on your way and not give it another thought. For me, that is detachment.

[Ready2Change]

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Look man it's easy for me to see things because I have been on this board for over 4 years. I joke sometimes that it's like the movie Groundhogs Day here.

I don't want you to give up. I just want you to understand that from this point forward all your decisions should be made from a place of strength and for what is best for Bo and his children.


You are so young and have your entire life ahead of you. You will bounce back from this I promise you. I know you don't believe it now but this was probably a blessing in disguise.

Keep your chin up.

[Ready2Change]

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This is where you will find the appropriate sparing from people having lived, what you are right now. The confusion, the questions, the wondering - What you will realize, and maybe you already have begun to, is that the general sitch with a WW is not special. There are SO many parallels you can draw between most of the stories on this board. So what makes every story have a different outcome? i'll tell you:

The LBS does... This is what is so hard to understand, and something that took me many months to comprehend. This is not about your WW, this is about you. The sooner the LBS realizes that this is not about their WW, but about themselves, the sooner they find the right path to walk.

Will this path salvage your relationship? No, this ship has sailed. You need to embark upon a new journey, a journey that evolves around you, and the passengers on your boat are people who wants to be here, because your boat fuchin rocks... You are the captain of the party boat, and you don't want anyone ruining your party.

You seem to have been doing some research already. Keep it up, make this about you.. 180 on the things that you know inside you have to, reflect on your process, go dim / dark depending on kids. Let her live her life the way she wants to, because you can't force anyone to do what they don't want to, and honestly, who wants a relationship like that...

so..

- detach
-180
-GAL
- Whenever you think you have a GREAT idea that you should swing by her, don't.... come here first, present it and take the advice beforehand. Trust me, it will save you from a lot of mental pain because, the idea might not be that great after all when you get the advice from the veteran perspective.

I hope the very best for you... You can be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave, you just have to choose to be.

Do not put her on a pedestal, do not only think about all the great things (we tend to do that). Reflect on what you contributed to in this downfall - complacency? neediness? lack of goals?

I know I might come off as hard, but really, I mean this in the best way possible - learn from my mistakes, and do not make them yourselves. That can be the difference between your story, and lots of the stories in here - the fact, that you choose to be the LBS that shows that you know what you are worth, and that you won't settle with left over cake.

Have the best day man!

Sorry English is not my mother-tongue, hope you get the general idea of what I am trying to write at least

/hurt

[Ready2Change]

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I think you are reacting too much to her, and not acting from a place of knowledge. Let give you an example:

You go into detail about your bad behavior. You find out she is looking into D, you confront, she BDs you with the ILYBIAMNILWY, and you immediately change.

When WAWs get to the point where they are considering D, and they ILYBIAMNILWY bomb you, this didn't happen over night. The WAW goes on that journey over a long period of time. In fact, usually it takes about a year for the WAW to give up on the marriage. And another year before they BD their LBH. You may have shortcut that a bit by being the one to find out about her desire to D and initiating BD, but the point is that she has been headed that direction for at least a year, if NOT 2 years!

The flakiness you are seeing is very consistent with most WAWs here. During that 1-2 years they are very susceptible to OM. It very well could be she has one, either as an EA and/or a PA. I would do some recon to try and find out because if she is in an active PA that jeopardizes your health! You need to know. I would stop all sexual activity until you are sure she is not in a PA.

You have already gotten some good advice otherwise. Detach. It sounds like you are doing fairly well here. When a WAW starts asking "what's wrong" then they have noticed that you are giving the space they have asked for. That is not a bad thing. Loving detachment WILL be noticed. And staying friendly, upbeat, and present, like it sounds like you are, is the key. But not allowing her emotions, actions and words to have an emotional impact on you will get her attention.

GAL. Do not skimp on this. Get into IC. When she asks about it: "I realize that some of the underlying issues that caused me to behave the way I did need to be addressed professionally." Rarely will a WAW, that is still on the fence, react negatively to their LBH trying to improve himself. Take up new things, rekindle old friendships (with other guys!), be busy!

And keep up the 180s. You know what got you here, you did a good job detailing it. Make sure you do not let your guard down on the 180s. One slip back to the old MIkey can undo weeks and months of hard work.

One thing I am noticing is a tendency on your part to rationalize your mistakes. 180 on that. Own your mistakes. You screwed up and got your truck repo'd. You can claim temporary insanity or whatever defense you alluded to above. DON'T DO THAT. OWN IT. You screwed up. Be stand up about it. You admit trying to hide it from her. Look at every great fall in history, rarely was it the first mistake that brought the individual down. It was the cover up. Look at David and Bathsheeba. David's sin with Bathsheeba was adultery. She got pregnant. He then murdered Uriah, her husband, to try to cover it up (after trying to use Uriah to cover it up himself). OWN YOUR MISTAKES. Don't excuse them or try to minimize them by explaining them away.

We all get to choose. None of our choices are out of our control. Own your choices, good or bad.

[Ready2Change]

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Most WW are like upper-management at a Fortune 500 company. They make pronouncements and expect that someone will go do the work for them.

So next time she pressures, have a response like this ready: "I am completely opposed, ethically and morally to divorce. If you want a divorce I can't stop you but I will do nothing to help. I won't hinder it if you insist on divorce, but I won't file, I won't lift a finger in anyway to help with it because it would violate my conscience."

[Ready2Change]

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Read other people's sitches here. One day they are "I am doing it! I am over her! I am detaching!" The next day "I miss her, I don't want to lose, my life will suck without her!" The roller-coaster is real. Avoid thinking you are out of the woods. Avoid thinking everything is dire. Try to float, as much as possible, in the middle. And by all means DO NOT let it inform your next words and actions. Those that struggle the most are those that are most impulsive. Read sandi's rules, study them, know them. You can ruin weeks and months of progress with one impulsive action or word. Don't be that guy.

[Ready2Change]

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This isnt just what "she" is doing to your kids. What have you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage? Placing this kind of blame on her isnt going to bring you two any closer.

[Ready2Change]

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When your w says what she wants

Let’s use a mediator

Let’s get this done quickly

All you have to do is listen

Say thank you sharing your thoughts with me

That’s it

And if she says do you agree

Or what do you think

Say this is a lot for me to think about

I am not an expert on divorce

So I need to think about it

Then stop talking

She will not like anything that is less than full agreement with her plan

Not your problem

Time is on your side

[Ready2Change]

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Folks that have been through this, what are the specific things you changed about yourself?

I reversed on a lot of bad behavior. Here they were:

- Overly critical of her housekeeping
- Very short-tempered, when she tried to get my attention I would let it be known she was interrupting me
- Very impatient with her, my D, stranger in the car in front of me, etc.
- Very withdrawn in my own world, watched TV a lot by myself in MBR (W and D were in livingroom)
- Came to dinner, prayed for thanksgiving, ate as fast as I could, went right back into MBR
0r - Came to dinner, prayed for thanksgiving, took food into MBR and ate by myself
- Nicer to strangers and acquaintances than to her
- Made cutting jokes about her around friends and family
- Criticized everything she did. How she drove, how much toothpaste she put on her toothbrush, etc.
- Left all household duties to her (taking care of dogs, laundry, picking up the counter, etc) (I did some things but never helped her with some of the things.)
- Scrutinized every penny she spent

I am sure the list is longer. That list is shameful. I am surprised I was able to get her to stay eventually. But I 180'd on it all. I got into C to cement these changes. I read voraciously about marriage saving, and self-improvement.

It is a year on and I have not engaged in any of these behavior since BD. IN fact, I have done just the opposite of those:

- No longer criticize her housekeeping, and express gratitude to her when she does things around the house
- I happily, and upbeatedly give her my full attention whenever she gets my attention
- I am patient with her and D. And I have been much more patient in general.
- I do not isolate myself. I spend a lot of time with W watching shows she likes. Conversing with her. Laughing and joking with her! (Do not underestimate that last part!! She has commented how much more fun I am to be with due to the laughing and cutting up.)
- I eat dinner with them by sitting at table, conversing, sharing how my day was, asking about theirs. being fully engaged with them. I eat slower. I sit and talk even after I am finished. I help clean up the table.
- I am sweet and nice to her. I adore her and realize she is the most important person in my life! I treat her like the queen I always should have. I love doing things for her and jump the minute she asks for a favor or help.
- I brag about her to others, both when she isn't around and when she is. I never say anything derogatory even jokingly to her or about her. I compliment her both publicly and privately.
- I never criticize her. I realize now that I am not always right and everyone (especially her) else is not always wrong if they do things differently. I realize that she is more important than getting to a place in the optimal path, or that we go through a tube of toothpaste in a week. She is my queen, and I treat her as such!
- I help with household duties. I clean up after meals, help take care of the dogs and cat, I try to do as much as she does, and do it happily and without grudge! (ANOTHER 180!!)
- I let her use her own judgement on spending. I no longer nitpick every penny she spends. I even limit my own spending so that she can spend more.

Marriage is about sacrifice! And once you realize how appreciated these things are it no longer feels likes sacrifice! I do these things now because I love her and I WANT to do them!

[Ready2Change]

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Don't tell her she's being disrespectful after the fact as that just sounds like blame. You need to do it WHEN she is being disrespectful. THAT is the time to state "I am not going to be treated with disrespect like this" and then walk away, or leave the house or whatever it takes to send her a message that you're not putting up with it.