Davide, your update is exciting and sounds tiring too! I wonder where you'll end up? It's nice to have the freedom to pack up and move. I think what you're doing is the best thing you could be doing at this point in time.
Ovr - that is definitely not me! and I would be wary of anyone with that many Xs in their name!
I have no idea where I will end, or whom I will end up with. The possibilities are wide open. That is kind of cool.
Focusing on the future is key, that is what has allowed me to reach this place.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I just spent the weekend in Miami for an interview yesterday. It was a nice break from the drudgery that is February in the (more) northern climes. It was so gorgeous to be out there, walking along the beach, soaking up the sun, eating amazing Cuban food! I got one of those dockless Lime bike rentals and rode all around the city (so dangerous!) for two days. I even connected and met up with a woman from one of the OLD sites - it wasn't romantic/sexual but we had a coffee and walked around South Beach and she showed me cool places. The interview itself was all day yesterday and it was my first real one in 3 years. I had to teach a class while being observed, and that part of it went really well - they clearly loved my style and class. However, I am not as sold myself as the school and the other teachers in my discipline are much more traditional and it feels like the fit might not be there. The worst case scenario is that I got a basically free trip down to Miami from it, so it's a win no matter what.
I am feeling a bit down because I have been doing lots of phone interviews, and lots of schools seem to be interested, but my style is very progressive and it is hard to find a place where I will be free to be myself, as well as be located in a cool, progressive city. I couldn't possibly have more freedom than I do in my current position (though I could earn more!) and my living situation is both affordable and walkable. I certainly don't need to leave, but I am struggling to avoid the feeling of being trapped.
I think it is also a bit hard because today is/was my anniversary as well as my W's birthday. It hasn't dominated my thoughts or turned into any sort of downward spiral, but I think that it is exerting some sort of subconscious pressure. Going back to such a tropical and Latin city like Miami also brought up a number of memories, of trips to Havana and Panama, as well as our life together in South America where our relationship started and we spent our first year and a half together. I keep reminding myself to refocus my drishti onto the future, onto the present, onto the things that bring me joy and happiness. My plan was to get out of the house tonight, go on a date, just do something fun and enjoyable with a person who wants to share my company. However, I am exhausted from the travel and haven't set anything up, so I will likely stay home and watch an NBA game that I have a lot of interest in (TTP!) My W left me a birthday note and gift back in November, so my thought was it would be nice to do the same, while not recognizing the anniversary at all. I just finished a book that I think she would enjoy so I am thinking of wrapping that up and leaving it with a brief note for when she comes by to get the dog on Thursday. We are meeting on Saturday to discuss finances, but I want to keep that business-focused.
Despite those hiccups, overall things are still going well. I feel strong and in control, if still uncertain, of my future. There are lots of possibilities out there, I just need to decide which interest me the most.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hard to feel 100% certain of your future when things are still in limbo, just a fact of the situation. I like your PMA, I like that you know what you want, and I like the trip to Miami.
Those important dates are bound to bring up some negative feelings. I was reading DR over the weekend and saw the stop sign technique so I've been trying to employ it this week as my sitch got pretty stressful. Maybe it can help you, although you have like 20 girls to keep your mind occupied!
I hope you find what you're looking for in terms of jobs and peace with your life.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So today the W and I finally met to discuss finances, divorce, and other topics, including R, as it ended up. I am sure that I broke a number of DB rules, but I'm okay with that, okay with how it turned out, and okay with how I handled myself. We spoke for nearly two hours before I told her I had to go (I had a date scheduled as a hard out, which worked perfectly.)
The biggest order of business was splitting the money in our remaining bank accounts and the value of the house (both our names are on the deed.) If she wanted to fight for it, I'm sure she could get a 50/50 split. We both wrote a percentage on a piece of paper and then passed them to one another. As I predicted 8 months ago - I was more generous to her, and she was more generous to me. In the end we'll split everything with 2/3 going to me and 1/3 going to her, which is more or less fair given how much I supported her and us during the years she wasn't working or was barely working. The same goes with the house (minus the money we owe on it and the money that my parents gave us for the down payment,) we'll split the increased equity at the same percentage. The county just reassessed the house at a number which seems just about right so we used that as the current value. I don't know if I am staying in town or moving out, so that might involve me buying her out of the house (which I can afford to do). The only snag is that her name is on the deed, and it is my understanding that if I remove her name I might have to refinance the house based on just my salary - which I would prefer not to do because the interest rates will be much higher and I would have to pay significantly more per month, as well as paying closing costs. I'd prefer just to leave her name on the deed, although I am sure that I will get a bunch of 2x4s telling me how idiotic that is (please let'er rip!) She isn't going to rip me off, at this point I am sure of that because of her consistent actions over the past 10 months of separation. She hasn't touched the money in our joint accounts, nor tried to fight me for any of our money.
That said, she is definitely still in a fog. When I brought up starting the divorce process she let me know that she didn't feel ready to do it, that she wasn't over me, that she had loved me throughout this whole time, etc.. Of course, she is also still with OM. (I literally told her that her not being over me comment was "rich" given her actions!) I told her that I couldn't go forward with the process for another month and half unless she agreed to do it since we would have to lie about the date of our separation. She eventually said that she would do it if it would help me move on. This portion of the conversation was conducted between tears and sobs on her end, as if she hadn't been the one to walk out. We did delve a bit into relationship talk because she kept pushing there. I told her that the biggest/best thing I did was take responsibility for my actions, my choices, and my own happiness and that she was suffering so much because she was still running away from that responsibility. She had every right to walk away from a marriage that she didn't want to be in, but that she needed to own up to the consequences of that action. She has this fantasy where we are still great friends and in each others' lives, but it's a pollyanna-esque dream world.
At one point she asked me why I felt betrayed and I told her that it was because I had vowed to be with her forever no matter what, but she walked away from that commitment. She was surprised that I would think it was a good idea to stick around in a bad situation. And I think that reflects a pretty profound difference between us. I don't necessarily think that there is a right or wrong here, but it is a very different way of looking at it. To be fair I don't think that I would have made the changes I have made over the past 10 months without her leaving (certainly I wouldn't have made them so quickly). I don't know what the right answer is for when it is okay to leave a marriage - there certainly is a line, but I never felt that our MR was ever particularly close to it. Another profound difference that was explicitly laid out was my desire for a family and her lack thereof. I think that was one of the underlying tensions that frayed the cord of our marriage. I had reached a point where I thought that I would rather be with her than leave to have a family with someone else. It's possible that that was pure rationalization or a reflection of codependency, I'm still not sure.
I probably let this portion of the conversation last longer than it should, but honestly it wasn't hurting me. It wasn't pursuit, because I don't see any possibility of recovering or reestablishing a relationship with her. It felt more like a final opportunity to lay our cards out on the table with one another. I saw it as a final act of honesty that I certainly didn't owe her, but that I was okay giving because it really wasn't costing me much at all. We laughed a bit, I also called her out on her bullshit or hypocrisy at moments, and I let her know that I didn't want to hear about her and OM (boundary setting) when he came up. I told her that I don't know that I am "over her" but that I am focusing my energy and time on things that bring me joy and on people who bring love and positivity to my life and who want to spend time with me. One of her issues is that she constantly spends/spent time worrying about things that she couldn't control to the point that it would affect her mood significantly.
(Sorry for the rambling nature of my thoughts here as I try to reconstruct the conversation from 8 hours earlier. To return to the divorce filing for a second, she told me that she is doing a coding bootcamp for the next six weeks so won't have time to do the paperwork, but that she would sign and notarize whatever I needed. So, it's really just a question of whether I will have the time and focus to do it myself.)
I am under a fair amount of stress this week, between her birthday/ our anniversary, this impending meeting, a number of job possibilities coming up at the same time, and the intimacy of various romantic relationships ratcheting up another notch and finally coming to a head today... It actually feels good to have survived the anniversary and this conversation in good shape, as that removes at least two elements of stress from my life. It also feels strange to know that D is the one thing I am confident about wanting as the rest of my life is unfurling in strange and unknown ways and I am filled with uncertainty about what direction I want to go in.
Thanks again for all your support.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
yes get her off the deed. Interest is cheaper than her having half of it.
Lol at using "rich". Her comments are indeed rich. Your W seems like mine, the difference being that you guys have been physically apart so your detachment is through the roof. If she isn't over you, why isn't she honoring her commitment. She is just saying things that make her feel better. Although, it is possible to feel more than one way about something.
I hate the catch 22 of our W's leaving which starts the long awaited changes they were seeking, but the timing makes it to where our changes don't matter. I agree that our W's idea of commitment is severely lacking. They knew who they married. I'm glad the conversation went fairly well. I wonder how you married, given your desire for a family and her lack of desire for a family. Did you think she'd come around eventually?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It looks like if I file a "quit claim deed" form it will remove her from the deed. She would still be on the mortgage but have no rights to the house. Basically, she would be the only one exposed. If I want to take her off the mortgage that would require refinancing and be very expensive.
I don't think she is saying things to make herself feel better. I think she is genuinely living in a fantasy world where she doesn't need to accept responsibility and consequences for her actions. She's certainly not saying these things to make me feel better, as it would be easier for me if she were cold and rewriting history like so many W on here. I do think she is ruled by her emotions to a large extent. She was unhappy in the MR so she did something to make her happy, regardless of the commitment she had made. It reminds of me a bit of what they say about suicide (apologies, if this is offensive or insensitive) - It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It feels like that is what she did.
That said, it might be that our visions of MR were fundamentally incompatible. The question of starting a family was there from the beginning but she was so young and not sure of her feelings at the time (she was 24). Quite frankly, I wasn't 100% sure either. Later on in the MR it became clear that she didn't want a family, and I thought I was okay and reconciled myself with that. I thought I would prefer to be with her without kids, than the alternative. Maybe that was a compromise that went too far, but it was something I was willing to do to honor my commitment and as an act of love towards her. Frankly at my age I think it is more likely that I get together with someone who already has kids rather than starting a family of my own. Most of the women in my dating range either don't have kids because they don't want them, or have them and don't want more. It looks like it will be something I have to reconcile myself to, even without her.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
