TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[Bo562]

I hope you feel better, TJT. We had stomach bug / flu ravage the Bo household 2nd part of this week. The kids seem to be relatively spared so far, gratefully.

I’ll comment here, and if you want to reply on my thread, please do so I don’t hijack this.

W has mentioned to me in the past that she wanted more frequency / variety of sex / acts over the course of our marriage. For whatever reason, this is an area I’ve struggled with until her initial BD’ing back in February. W and I are / were both virgins when we got MR’d, but over the last couple of years she’s especially been going through a sexual awakening (she’s also gotten into ‘50 Shades of Gray,’ FWIW—either it’s been helpful, or it may have contributed to our present sitch, not sure).

She would ask me about what I would want from her in terms of sex / acts, but also what to wear, and I’ve given her some answers. But she’s also wanted me to think about things more and do some research, and I did, before BD’ing. Admittedly, it would be hard for me to talk about (we never really talked much about sex growing up, and I’m more of a traditional / conservative Catholic, so I’m sure both at least somewhat play a role), but I thought I was improving, at least somewhat. This is something I tried to 180 on for her over the spring / summer, but in the fall she said that I wasn’t improving (of course, this could also be typical WAS speak, that nothing I do is ever good enough, it’s too little too late, etc.)

One thing I’ve also struggled with, but have become much better about, is my own body positivity. It’s been difficult for me to open up about my body and take pride in my body, even though I teach to my students that we are created body AND soul, and as Catholic Christians, we must remember that both are created ‘good.’ One thing that has helped is my losing 30 lbs over the last couple of years—I went from around 210 in early 2016, to currently around 180-ish (and a little below) right now. In terms of goal-setting, and body image, I feel fantastic. This is the most (or least?) I’ve weighed since grad school, and I’ve done most of this through scaling back my portions, eating fewer carbs, more meat and veggies (always been good about eating my veggies), eating more full-fat dairy (seriously—take a look at ‘regular’ vs ‘reduced-fat’ dairy products in terms of ingredients), drinking more water. Not much in terms of working out—which W would ask me about when I would tell her about my progress. I would say ‘hey today is a new low in terms of weight,’ and she would often respond with something about when am I going to start working out—even though she is correct, it is kinda hard to feel supported, and I probably should have communicated that better. I do realize that working out is important, and am trying to be more intentional about that now, as part of GAL and 180ing. I really like my body shape right now; the only things I really am not too big on are my thinning blonde hair up top (try to cut it short to make it look as good as I can), and my pecs have always been kinda big, which makes me feel awkward. But even this morning, as I dressed for church and to take OS to Mass / Sunday school, I looked at myself in the mirror, shirtless, wearing dark blue jeans, a day or two worth of stubble on my face and my hair still relatively short—and I thought to myself, I look pretty freaking good, all things considered. It took until my mid-30s, but I finally feel proud of my body.

I just wish I had someone to give it to right now—currently things are in an SSM, and I get the feeling that things are going to be this way, for a while. I know I’ll survive, even though it is difficult, but I know I need to keep the positive gains body-wise improving, and I’m sure that one day someone will notice and also realize that I’m worthy (I am coming better to terms with my own worthiness in that regard).

[TJT]

Thanks Bo, I think I'm on the upswing today, knock on wood!

No worries about sharing your story here. It's all on the same topic. I'm glad that you are pushing through from a self-esteem/body positivity standpoint. I've always been relatively fit, although H and I both got a little "soft" after M, but nothing drastic. However, I've also ALWAYS been self-conscious of my body. It's weird because I've always thought I looked good in a general sense, but when I am in a vulnerable position all I can think about are the things that aren't perfect. I even look back of pictures of myself in high school when I was clearly very svelte and I wonder what the heck was I thinking back then when I thought I needed to lose weight! haha.

All of this to say that I think for me, I just needed a little more validation from my H to feel a little more confident all around. I think he was comfortable with me and didn't think twice about making sure I felt secure as a woman, and if I ever shared insecurities with him he would brush it off rather than validate. I did talk to him about that kind of thing (he would do that with almost everything - if I was sick, stomach hurt, stubbed my toe, whatever). I just accepted it as part of his personality and because I felt secure with him as a person I didn't really make it a bigger deal. As I've mentioned before, I was also always hyper aware of not being a "naggy" wife, and I found it really difficult with my H to figure out where the line was between me simply communicating and him perceiving it as complaining or criticism.

As far as other stuff goes, I have to say it sounds like you were responding and putting in the effort. Based on your short anecdote, I have to agree that it seems like WAS excuses. Not that there may not have still been room to improve, but I just don't think someone walks away from a spouse because of that, especially when you seemed to be more than open and willing to try. It even sounds a little MLCish.

I personally don't get the whole Fifty Shades of Grey thing... out of boredom the other day I finally watched the movie, and it just seemed really weird and the guy was an A-hole with mommy problems! I hear the books may be a little better. Anyway, I can respect your W or any woman for wanting to experiment, even though it's not particularly my thing, but I can't see myself leaving someone even if there were things I wanted a little more of. Unless she hated sex with you for a long time and never said anything, or things deteriorated over time to a state she didn't like... it sounds like there may be many other things accompanying this "awakening" that are affecting her.

But I will reiterate how great it is that you are feeling good about yourself physically now. I've noticed since my H left that I look at my pictures and can't seem to see straight whether I look good or not. Sometimes this was in comparison to OW, but it got to the point where I would look at a picture and just not think of myself as pretty anymore! It wasn't until I went on my vaca last week that I realized I do still look good, and I think better than OW, AND that I'm going to keep going in improving my physical health, too, to make absolute SURE of it. Divorce diet definitely helps, I lost 8 lbs no problem when all this started.

Like you said though, it's very hard to be content with that when you don't have anyone around to appreciate it, just like everything else in life! I was reminded earlier of more things that I didn't like about my H, and it just doesn't do me any good because ultimately I come to the conclusion that those things didn't matter to me that much because he was enough for me as a whole. So then I just go back to being sad that I wasn't enough for him, and I know how much horse crap that is.

[Bo562]

All of this to say that I think for me, I just needed a little more validation from my H to feel a little more confident all around. I think he was comfortable with me and didn't think twice about making sure I felt secure as a woman, and if I ever shared insecurities with him he would brush it off rather than validate. I did talk to him about that kind of thing (he would do that with almost everything - if I was sick, stomach hurt, stubbed my toe, whatever). I just accepted it as part of his personality and because I felt secure with him as a person I didn't really make it a bigger deal.

I had no problem calling my wife ‘beautiful’ or ‘sexy’ or anything like that.

Until the ILYBINILWY BD back in Feb. (and then I started up again once I felt like things were better), and I haven’t done that since late Oct. / early Nov—basically when she became pretty distant / b*tchy towards me. I haven’t said it since, and the same goes for the ILYs. Too much like pursuit. She won’t get it again until / unless she recommits to me and MR.

And the thing is is that I’ve had no problem no finding her attractive and saying something about it. When we first met, she weighed then about as much as I do now (I’m 6’1’’, she’s 5’5’’) and her teeth weren’t great at all—not to body-shame, but those are facts. She’s lost much of the weight, though still has some baby weight (but that’s expected), but her teeth still need some work (this sounds uncharitable, but I’ve often wondered if she splits 1. Who would help her pay for the work 2. Who would help her recover from the dental work 3. Good luck finding men who are into women with bad teeth). In spite of all that, I still found her fairly attractive, and sometimes even incredibly sexy at times. But right now? Attraction is not there, because it’s not just physical for me, it’s emotional and spiritual and who knows what’s going on spiritually, and things aren’t good emotionally with her.

Confessing ‘turn-ons’ and fantasies were a different story—hard at times, but I would do it, even it she kinda did have to drag it out of me.

As I've mentioned before, I was also always hyper aware of not being a "naggy" wife, and I found it really difficult with my H to figure out where the line was between me simply communicating and him perceiving it as complaining or criticism.

My W is the same way. Didn’t want to be ‘naggy,’ but to me it would come across as naggy / complaining / criticism. Not sure if a guy thing or what.

As far as other stuff goes, I have to say it sounds like you were responding and putting in the effort. Based on your short anecdote, I have to agree that it seems like WAS excuses. Not that there may not have still been room to improve, but I just don't think someone walks away from a spouse because of that, especially when you seemed to be more than open and willing to try. It even sounds a little MLCish.

I tried—probably not as much as she wanted, but I know I didn’t do NOTHING. I’ve wondered if there is some MLC going on here, especially with the pregnancy supposedly ‘robbing’ her of a chance for a work promotion. A former IC told me that MLCs can happen at pretty much any age, I guess including 30. At this point, it doesn’t really matter what the title is, it’s just what it is and I’ll need to deal as best as I can.

W had other things that she wanted me to work on (‘dealbreakers’): me being forgetful, opening up about sex, and finding something else other than NFP for birth control (but she went ahead and got the IUD over my objections so yeah...)

I personally don't get the whole Fifty Shades of Grey thing...

....Anyway, I can respect your W or any woman for wanting to experiment, even though it's not particularly my thing, but I can't see myself leaving someone even if there were things I wanted a little more of. Unless she hated sex with you for a long time and never said anything, or things deteriorated over time to a state she didn't like...

I never understood Fifty Shades of Gray, either, but I’m not the target audience, and I’ve always wondered how it squares with concerns about treatment / abuse of women, but whatever. Not my thing, I’m not the audience, and this isn’t the forum.

She told her a few times that she just wanted to be f*cked—probably just taken, 50 Shades-style. For me, it’s more difficult emotionally to be that spontaneous, though there were occasions where we’d get home to our previous townhouse, have our then-only son watch TV downstairs and she and I would have sex or fool around (have a quickie). That was great.

Last fall and early in to the winter, I started to open up more with experimenting. And then post-ILYBINILWY BD, we had a lot of sex. I’m sure being pregnant helped for her in that regard (though for some women I’m sure it doesn’t). One of the 180s for me was being more open to frequency / acts, so I made myself as available to her as I could, though I was also trying to take more leadership at home and with our only son at the time, as well as having a full teaching schedule (by early June, with everything I was mentally fried, but at least it was summer break for me so I could rest). I’d say we were probably getting after it every other day / 4 days a week, possibly more, as long as we both were in the mood. I started to let up on sex out of respect for her as weather got warmer in August / September and she got closer to the due date—I wouldn’t push her. We had sex a couple of days before YS was born, and then once in early November.....and that’s it.

She would often talk about how much she would love to have sex, and how much she would love to have sex with me (and how after drinking she would only want to get hand-sy and have sex with me—and that that handsiness would happen with only me and no one else).

I don’t think she hated sex with me....and if she did, it only became recent (probably post-pregnancy, I’d bet).

it sounds like there may be many other things accompanying this "awakening" that are affecting her

???? Ideas?

[Joe2017]

Hi TJT!

It's really easy to compare ourselves to the OP. After all they are one of the biggest reasons you're in your sitch, but honestly it's more about the WS than the OP. OP could have been anyone. A lot of the time the AP is a huge downgrade!!! It can be absolutely incomprehensible!

I did the divorce diet too. First couple weeks I lost 15 pounds. LOL! I used it to jump start some weight loss and started working out as part of my GAL. It was glorious. I felt great physically. Emotionally was still a work in progress but that can't be rushed. It took months of intense intents. Dropping the rope was hard. I kept picking it back up. Eventually, you will get there though. Start validating your own damn self. Don't compare yourself to the OW.

Set personal goals. Get things done. Even the small things, hell especially the small things. Could be something as silly as washing the dishes... But get it done. What's next? Oh yeah, take out the trash. What's next... Give the fur baby a bath! Next! Next! Next!

You can't rush this but one day you will wake up and go about your routine and it will HIT YOU. You feel sorta OK! And it gets better and better. Sure, there will be backsliding some, but it becomes less and less. Keep GAL! Keep your 180s!

[TJT]

Bo - the things I was thinking potentially affecting your W include depression, especially if you say a lot of her behavior happened after baby. May be other elements intertwined with that too and she is projecting on you.

Joe, thanks for the continued encouragement. I like the convincing and determined tone you always have. I'm definitely getting to that point of being like, "K let's drop the rope" and then I get two inches away from it and pick it back up. Or I'm turning my back to it but still keeping a toe on it, you know.

Getting things done does help. Keeping busy is a good tactic for me although sometimes I struggle with whether what I'm doing actually has meaning/usefulness or if it's just a temporary distraction. Not that the latter is all that bad... but I guess what I've been reflecting on is that a lot of people say to do things you wouldn't normally have done being "locked down" to your spouse or whatever. That we are now "free" to do whatever.

My thing is that I felt free WITH my H... anything I've ever not done during the time we've been together is still squarely on my shoulders and him not being around doesn't really hold the key to motivating me to do those things. It's things like energy or money or time (which you could say I have more OR less of, depending how you look at it). So I know that it's the perfect time to really look at myself and push past any excuses I've made in the past, but I always come back to the fact that it's a huge drag that I don't have my H to share anything with. I really 100% feel like he knew me better than anyone, even my family because I'm not very close with most of my family. We spent a lot of time just being around each other over almost 10 years.

So one of my gigantic fears now in life is that I will never find anyone again who simply understands/knows me fully. And I know in any case that if/when it is possible, I won't like that painstaking process of getting there; having to start over and someone learn my favorite color and pizza toppings and beers and how I react emotionally to the various scenarios we all encounter in life, etc. So frustrating, not to mention time wasting if you get halfway down the path before you realize you're not totally into that person, which then cycles me back to the pain of how something so incredibly valuable to me had seemingly no future value for H. No big deal, he just found another person mid-life and is now fulfilled.

I know, we all figure that won't last forever and all that. Of course I just have these visions of them loving everything about each other and thinking they are each others' soul mates. I do try to counter that by thinking of mundane things that surely they argue about occasionally. You know every couple has that first big fight... I want theirs to happen, but then for them to realize they each do a certain thing the other absolutely hates and doesn't want to put up with!

I was driving today (after going to the Dr. for feeling so crappy, and reflecting on being alone while sick) and thinking about how everyone says that grief never really goes away, it just starts to live deeper and deeper down within you or something like that. I got really upset about that, knowing that no matter how far past this I get, I will probably always, always remember this pain, and in all honesty always resent that this happened to me - unless we end up working through it together to create a freakin' bulletproof M 2.0, or something else groundbreakingly awesome happens to me besides H.

[Yail]

My thing is that I felt free WITH my H... anything I've ever not done during the time we've been together is still squarely on my shoulders and him not being around doesn't really hold the key to motivating me to do those things. It's things like energy or money or time (which you could say I have more OR less of, depending how you look at it). So I know that it's the perfect time to really look at myself and push past any excuses I've made in the past, but I always come back to the fact that it's a huge drag that I don't have my H to share anything with. I really 100% feel like he knew me better than anyone, even my family because I'm not very close with most of my family. We spent a lot of time just being around each other over almost 10 years.

Tough love time!

You're making excuses for not being motivated to do something new. I am an expert in this area in my own life.

Of course our S didn't control us - we weren't in abusive Rs. Of course it's all on us. You felt free, but we all make decisions considering what our significant other might think. It's natural. So what are you doing to do now that you don't need to "check" with anyone? You get to do something solely for yourself. Don't be sad about this!

Yeah, it's a drag to not have anyone to share your new exciting things with. Share them here. Text someone. I got new glasses yesterday and immediately text everyone because I look adorable I would have asked W's opinion on the frames before purchasing before - most of us would have, I think. Such a tiny decision I made alone, and I really think these glasses reflect "me" very strongly.

You're focusing on your fears a lot, and I'm afraid it will start to paralyze you as you continue in your grief. I want you to get into some new habits before the fear-habits take over. Retrain your brain - don't let the sadness or regret take over with the path of least resistance.

Energy and time are resources you can work on. Money is tough, I'll acknowledge. So find ways to increase your energy. Cut back on any alcohol. Drink a ton of water. Eat very consciously, sleep. Keep a routine. Then take your energy and put it into an activity that had an excuse.

All of your feelings of fear or sadness are valid. I just want to see a splash of hope in your everyday life. The recent trip seemed to help, but I want you to grab something new now that you're back to normal life.

[TJT]

Ok everyone there's a situation kind of. (Yail I will still respond to your post later!)

I got a W2 from one of my H's workplaces. Since I already figured out we will have to file our taxes jointly, I texted him to let him know I got it and ask him how he wanted to go about getting the taxes done since we will either have to get on the phone or meet in person to get it all done. (Actually, I told him we will need to file jointly, he asked ME how I want to go about it, and I gave him those two obvious options).

In the process of this he says, again (like he did a few months ago, in November) that he would need some information from me to finish the "decree". This time I clarify with him if he means the petition. He said yes, and that he was going to use an online service to have it filed electronically.

I got into a pickle with him bringing this up again, since as you may recall earlier in this thread, I filed already. And paid for it. While I hadn't served him yet and technically he could very well file his own petition without any issue, I also didn't want to be out of the money I already spent (about $400).

So... I just told him that he didn't have to worry about it...that I already filed a petition and I could send him those papers and the other docs he needed to sign to move things forward.

After a pause he just texted back "ok". Then I also told him how much it cost and that if he wants to move forward with it that I'd like half of the cost I spent back. He said he would get it to me... then after another short pause he said he would try to cancel his service and get his money back.

First, I really don't know what info he thought he needed from me to fill out the petition to begin with, unless for some reason he wasn't clear on any property I wanted to list as my own property before the marriage... but that's literally the only thing he could possibly have had a question about. Otherwise the petition is pretty much all his info or straightforward answers to simple questions in our sitch.

Second, I fully realized that there was not really a purpose in his text about canceling his service except to make it known that he was inconvenienced by something I did. For the record his text was very, very simple, short, and not catty at all, but it's just the fact that he pointed it out that seemed irrelevant to me. And up to this point he only kept saying that "he was going to" use a service to file, and a few months ago when he said he might need info to complete it he obviously never followed up. Why would a man spend money on something and wait months to submit it?? So I just responded with "ok" (NOT "I'm sorry" or anything like that) and that I simply didn't know he already paid to do anything since I hadn't heard from him.

Anyway he just said "It's fine I'll cancel" and that was that. Then I reiterated for him to let me know what he wants to do for the taxes and when.

Okay, NOW, I am about to send to the petition I completed with the other paperwork to him, like I told him I'd do. But as I suspected I'm now feeling like I'm the one who's pushing this whole thing and I should have continued to wait for him to do it, whether I filed on my side or not. I guess I shot myself in the foot filing first because it made me have to push things a little once he brought it up again. I didn't consider that scenario when I first filed, I thought either he would reach out to me one day saying he filed on his side and I would just have to call it a wash that I had done it too, or he wouldn't do/say anything at all and I could just let him know I filed and to serve him the papers when I truly felt like it...

I mean at the end of the day he IS still going to have to fill out his portion of the paperwork and get it notarized and filed. On one hand I'm thinking, that still puts things in his court to where if he wants to continue stalling, he absolutely could. It's not like divorce is done just because I serve him papers. However, as I was fearful of in my "pros/cons" post earlier to filing, I do feel like the fact that he now knows I filed first may have him in this mindset of "oh, so I guess she wants to move forward with this so I feel better about doing what SHE wants" (total BS).

As a result of that I am feeling a LOT like I want to say something/reiterate that this is still NOT what I want to do. But I know I'm not supposed to do that... but I feel so so so SO terrible about sending this paperwork to him just like "here you go" without any other emotion about it.

I keep thinking of all the things he's done, that right now as we're texting he's probably like at dinner with OW or at home with her around and making googly eyes at her instead of me. I'm trying to think of the times when I've been GALing where I felt more okay than not without him. NONE OF IT HELPS. When it comes down to the reality of doing this I still do not want it. I want him to freaking realize he's having an idiotic meltdown of life and that he wants help and wants to be a family again. That's it! Is that so much to ask!!!?

So I have this e-mail drafted and I'm trying to stop myself from saying something other than what I need to say in it. In my mind I'm like "I'll just put one sentence like 'for the record I still don't want this' " but I know no matter how simple it is you all will tell me NO. But I can't feel good about it right now so I needed to write this out and get your reactions to maybe help me feel better about doing the right thing because here I am now in tears by the end of this post because I hate that this is my life and it's not just going to go away.

[Yail]

TJT, I'm so sorry you're facing this. I don't have any words of wisdom on your particular situation in this moment, but a few things I'd like to point out.

You're really doing well in handling this. You are so aware of the "why"s you are upset - very logical, very self-aware. No irrational anger, you can pinpoint exactly why you are frustrated and hurt. Don't discount this, because it is very difficult to think clearly when dealing with an emotional crisis. Your last sentence, "it's not just going to go away" and yet you understand you can't hide under a rock and ignore this - this is all really great. So please know you're doing a good job in a ____ situation.

I guess what I would say regarding the email is to be aware of your tone. You don't want to sound too short and dismissive, but you don't want to be fake-happy. You want to sound competent, and that the ball is in his court. Think "brief", but not "curt". Along the lines of, "You can find the info we talked about attached...." and maybe a sentence or two if anything needs logistical explanation.

He knows what he did, and he knows he asked to proceed. So the fact that you filed, in my opinion, does not have any impact on where this ends. He was reaching out to say that he was moving forward. This was not a temp check, this was him proceeding. I don't think in this moment there is any action you can take to stop this. It will have to all come from him.

Remember, he knows you don't want this. I know you're desperate to throw a hail mary pass, but I don't think you're in a space where it would do anything. Aside from being the first to fill out the forms, I think you can safely sit back and not prompt any additional steps from here on out. He will do what he will do.


Some people need to complete their process before realizing their mistake. Let him complete his process. In the meantime, you're doing work on your own process. Yours will be more fulfilling.

[burned]

Some people need to complete their process before realizing their mistake. Let him complete his process. In the meantime, you're doing work on your own process. Yours will be more fulfilling.

Amen. Stay strong TJT. It’s not a temp check, but it is bait. He’s not getting the usual TJT reaction so he’s fishing. It ain’t over until it’s over.

Don’t tell him you don’t want it. Just take each step as it comes. Cold, rational, surgical. Hit the gym extra hard to cope.

[TJT]

Thank you Yail. I do agree my self-awareness helps me a lot. I just get stuck in trying to figure out the psychological process of my H, and therefore what the best response on my side will be ("best" meaning most effective).

What I mean by that is, I agree that his mentioning he will "need some information to complete the [petition]" is NOT a temp check, 500%. But I have a hard time seeing it as he was moving forward per se, on his own terms, because it was ALL talk up to this point. The fact that him filing was on his "to-do" list since back in MAY has me really confused, because he keeps saying he wants it and is "going to" but then nothing seems to happen.

To your point about him completing the process, I fear that he is not actually feeling that HE is completing the process (and that perhaps that may even be his goal, to wear me down or drag things out so long that I take action so HE doesn't have to feel guilty filing for D). A pretty irrelevant detail in the grand scheme of things, I know, but from what I know about my H he's all about rationalizing on "technicalities" to justify things, especially when he's feeling guilty.

So you're right, from here on out I can still sit back and let him complete his step or not. I just kind of feel like I just gave him the mental permission he needs to do it without feeling guilty or remorseful or whatever he would have had to process had I said nothing at all about it.

Also, with all the views of my recent trip, which obviously I felt somewhat good about, his mind could easily be running just like mine is and making even more things up that aren't even true, also to justify moving forward. For example, "Oh, W just went on an amazing trip with friends, was happy and smiling.. now she filed already, she must be moving on/happy meeting other people/etc."

So yeah, I know he knows I didn't want this, back when everything first happened. But even though he doesn't have solid PROOF otherwise, I'm afraid (as I've always been) that even if he did have second thoughts or had thought about maybe trying to get back together, he would give himself some self talk like "she doesn't care anymore and you'll only make a fool of yourself by trying to see if she'd consider reconciling" or "you've hurt her so bad, we could never recover even if I wanted to", etc.

I talked about this in my thread before and I can't remember where we ended up with it, but basically I feel like I need to amend the original "I don't want this" with "I don't want this, *and I'm always willing to talk to you about it even if we get divorced in the meantime; even if you do really terrible things, etc. etc."

Really I guess there's two things, in a nutshell:
1) I don't want him to use this to justify his actions/relieve his guilt, which in my mind could prevent him from actually facing emotions that COULD lead him to wanting to reconcile, or

2) I don't want him to get to a point where he feels he wants to reconcile (whether that's today or a year from now) but be too ashamed to tell me because he either thinks I would blow him off and it'd just be embarrassing, or perhaps give himself that self-talk that "he's not good enough" for me because of the things he's done, so even if he has worked on himself he will only have new relationships going forward rather than trying to mend ours.

I really wish that even after filling out of these forms we would both have to appear in court, but unfortunately that's not the case.. only the petitioner does. Goes back to that "processing", and I really wanted him to have to be the one to stand in front of a judge and state the case. I feel like that experience alone would have a lot of weight (I know it will for me!) Maybe I could somehow still ask him to be there (without it being like "please I'd like you to be there" obviously) but reality is all the paperwork he's signing says he won't have to be.

I have to leave for a work trip tomorrow again and I'll have some coworkers gals there that I'll be happy to see, but this just hangs over me everywhere I go and I'm still trying desperately to see the fulfilling part of my process I'm also still not feeling 100% from being sick (it's taking forever). Not looking forward to traveling for that reason, although if I can admit something really sad, I almost enjoy being sick because it takes my mind off of "regular life" without H. I used to think the first time I got really sick I'd just be more sad that I don't have someone hear to help take care of me, but really that's more of an inconvenience than a loneliness thing. So instead I've realized that the inconvenience of me having to take care of myself is actually a good distraction, and I didn't mind being sick anymore as much. File under "more weird things you'll do/feel after being abandoned".