Thanks for the reminders everyone. I’m being careful for sure, I’m just recognizing the impact on things like my general confidence that this is good for. I do also have a much better idea of what kind of “wooing” to look for because of my H and how he was when we first met (very much all in, just like he is moving in with OW and starting a new life ASAP).
I also want to say that while I’m expressing my excitement here I’m obviously not being all naive with this guy. I get the impression we both want to take things at a normal pace and not just jump into something, but we do seem to enjoy each other’s company and have had some good conversations with actual substance.
And yes I am still married legally speaking. The D has been moving forward in small steps but moving nonetheless and before this guy even came into play I have been getting very fatigued by the thought of continuing to try to work things out with my H. When I say I’m doing good GALing I don’t mean just because I’ve had a few dates, but more all the stuff that I’ve been doing that has prompted me to feel okay with even putting myself out there. I started to really detest feeling so bound to my H’s behavior and how that was making me feel all the time. Going out and hanging out with friends and traveling recently really helped me to simply realize that I have space for better things, whereas before I couldn’t even fathom it.
In case it’s a question I have been very honest about my sitch with anyone I talk to so they know what’s going on. AND I want to say that I feel all the work I’ve done the past 8 months or so to process my feelings and try to DB to save the marriage has definitely served me well in terms of feeling like I’ve tried. But again, even before trying this dating thing I was questioning whether I could continue that for what seems like could take years. No matter what happens with the new friend in my life I don’t think that’s going to change. I’m getting to a limit with it all.
Anyway, I am planning at this point to keep pushing the D along myself. After more interactions with my H about our taxes it’s the same old stuff where I’m having to do everything and he’s avoiding responsibility. This is a big year for our taxes due to the house situation and he’s not even able to put in the effort to spend time on it collaboratively. I don’t want this stuff hanging over my head for any longer than needed at this point because I just feel like it’s keeping me in a bad place mentally, and I am getting more and more disgusted by the day when I think about what he’s done, but lately it’s been a very objective feeling vs something I’m obsessing over and trying to “figure out”. I don’t know if that’s detachment but I like to think it is and that I’ve accomplished something there.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
TJT, you are young. You have a lot to offer. You will have guys beating down your door. This is his loss, but you deserve more than a guy that is willing to cheat on you and mistreat you.
Onward and upward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
D is moving along. H signed the waiver and that's now filed. I have a consultation with an L this week to ensure the verbiage in the decree about the house is all good and well. Hopefully that will be a minimal cost and everything will move along smoothly after that. At the end of this month the waiting period will be over and it will just be a matter of having everything completed and getting a court date.
Filed taxes jointly and asked H if I could just keep his refund half to help pay for his half of the D costs, assuming it costs that much (I would give him his fair share if it's not all needed of course). He let me know he definitely could use the money, but didn't put up a fight about me keeping it because he wanted "to make sure I get my half of things". Good.
Funny enough, STBXH's mom called me maybe a week ago to "catch up" and it actually ended up being a lot of complaining about him! Noticing the same things I've noticed and her telling me it didn't take her long to realize that our sitch was basically her son's issue and not mine. I was able to smile about it and feel pity over any sadness. My frustration around "why won't H change" has seemed to dissolve and I am continuing to focus on me and my experiences without hinging them upon him.
I'm still seeing the guy I met ~3 weeks ago. We spent most of last weekend together, but definitely not in a weird way. He worked part of it but since he lives far I hung out at his place for a while until he'd come home. Then we do normal things like go out to dinner and come back to binge watch Game of Thrones because I've never watched it in my life and since the final season is coming back in April he wants me to catch up haha. He did have to leave suddenly for this week due to a death in the family and I was worried in the sense that I felt like it was going to be a dent in our "momentum" if you will. But I very quickly realized it was a good thing and if anything will help us learn more about each other being apart for the first time and so early on.
So far so good - he actually texted me yesterday evening saying he was trying to buy tickets for us to a comedy show when he comes back but was having a hard time doing it from there on his phone, so he said if I bought it he'd transfer the money back to me.
The only major thing I've struggled with is once again all related to SM. Obviously it's VERY early in this and I don't know how serious it will get, so I'm not making it a "thing" right now, but we did follow each other on IG and I noticed he follows various IG models and does regularly "like" their photos (not excessively, but regularly). Sometimes these photos are just a "normal" picture of a beautiful woman but there are equal number of those where it's a bikini thong pic, lingerie pic, etc. Of course this makes me feel ULTRA INSECURE but between googling opinions on this stuff and asking a few friends, combined with the fact that it is so early and he is obviously making an effort with me, I'm trying to tell myself to let it goooo. If later on we get more serious and it's still happening and bothering me then maybe we can talk about it and I can let him know how it makes me feel and see how that goes.
We have had 1 or 2 other conversations about "deeper" subjects (situations with his last two serious relationships, his family, and me even giving him some feedback) that have all been really mature and gone really well.
It's definitely a change trying to "date" when you're so used to being in a long-term, locked down relationship where you have a lot of history and influence with someone. Having to remind myself to take deep breaths and not overthink things or do anything that would seem overbearing, all the while also making sure I'm true to myself, getting what I need, and maintaining a level of awareness for red flags.
No matter which way this experience goes, I think there's a lot about it that has been good for me in growing as a person after what's happened with my STBXH.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
Life [censored] and then we die is basically where I'm at, hah.
I really want to write up everything that happened with the guy I started seeing. I think it would be really helpful to see the context. With others in my life I've explained the situation to, they tend to agree that it didn't seem like this guy was a snake. If he was, he was a really good one (and I fully understand that that's possible). And IF that was the case, what a cruel situation for me to have to go through after everything I've already been through.
The short story is that he honestly seemed really into it. I was (so I thought) very careful about my own behavior and actions AND his (trying to gauge red flags) but we did mesh really well and everything seemed very genuine and natural. We communicated SO openly and checked in with each other regularly to make sure we were on the same page. It all seemed good. But he went on a trip for family and then with friends, came back, apparently got offered a new job another state over and said it was his dream job and was going to have to be selfish and it wouldn't be fair to me to try to make it work because I'd be putting more into this than him, blah blah blah. I did ask if he just changed his mind about me and to be honest with me - he emphatically denied, said he really liked me and thought about everything he had going on here including me, but he just "has to do this".
On one hand he could have just ghosted me or been an a-hole about it...so the fact that he said all of that makes me semi believe our "relationship", while short-lived, really was mutual. But on the other hand to go from talking about the things we were talking about and the time we spent to suddenly "I don't have time for anything", it did seem weird. I recognize this could just be another person who has their own issues to deal with, that he said all the things he said to make himself feel better about it, and that no matter how much I like the way this person made me feel, they are not the person for me.
I don't know how many times I'll have to deal with situations like this but I'm already tired of doing the song and dance for nothing! I admit I had two days of the same panic and anxiety that I had with my H... because man, guys, I was so happy for those 3 weeks. It sounds lame and I'm sure naive but it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was amazing to be able to look forward to dressing up and going to dinner with someone. It was amazing to spend evenings with someone. It was amazing to get texts from someone again. And YES I've had all of those things with friends but it's just not the same. I really thought I'd have a long-term relationship with this person - I trusted and while some may argue I shouldn't have, I don't think that was my fault. I certainly didn't trust completely blindly. I watched for things and never heard that alarm (even looking back now, because trust me I analyzed the crap out of the situation, reviewing texts and everything to try and see if I was just in la la land).
Ultimately, the good that came out of this is that I now know it's possible again to have those feelings. The bad is that I now realize how fragile I really will be in any new relationship, because this was only a few weeks with someone; what if I get into a relationship that lasts a year and it's still not the one and that doesn't work out either? I've talked with friends and my IC about these things and it seems there's nothing abnormal about what I'm going through, but like I said... being in this situation royally [censored], and I want it to be over and onto my next happy phase of life ASAP but in reality I know this "transition" period is really just beginning.
Separately, I've been reflecting on the sitch with my STBXH and even despite this happening with this other person I still have no regrets about moving forward with the D. In fact, I filed the decree paperwork, which he signed with no problem, and I will be going in tomorrow for court to hopefully get it ordered and finalized by the judge. It's been a year since we had moved into our new home, which is an important milestone to me because it's easy to benchmark how long our relationship was rocky, and I knew it had been happening right before moving into the house. The more time and space I get between our whole sitch and my future, the better I am feeling at this point. I want to be rid of it and move on and hopefully find happiness, even though I am totally finding it to be like navigating a foreign universe and it's really, really stressful.
This does kind of bring me to a weird place on these forums I think. Since I'm no longer trying to save my marriage or even any kind of relationship with my ex, do I have a place here anymore? Is there a separate board for people like me who may now need a place to vent and get advice about dating or even just our own behaviors in relationships after having D'ed despite our best efforts? I'd like to be able to tell a "success" story one day of someone who was able to move on and have a good life despite what my H put me through, which I think is equally as important as the sitches where recon happens, since we can't fully control whether that happens or not.
Anyway... thanks to anyone still reading!
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
do I have a place here anymore? Is there a separate board for people like me who may now need a place to vent and get advice about dating or even just our own behaviors in relationships after having D'ed despite our best efforts?
Surviving the big D has a bunch of DBers who can listen to you vent and give advice on the post-D life.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
TJT, there's a lot in your post. I like the positives that you've pulled out from the past few weeks. That you know you can find someone again, that you feel confident in moving forward with your D. Those are good.
But I just don't see anything bad about what this guy is doing. I mean sure it totally [censored]. Absolutely. But with three weeks into a R no matter HOW much you click - it sounds like he made the right choice for him, and you can't fault that. If he got a great job he really couldn't just dismiss it.
In your writing it sounds like you're living in a lot of fear with being alone. Three weeks in and already seeing a LTR is very, very fast. Three weeks is limerence - despite him being a great guy.
I know it [censored] right now to be alone. But I really think you need to bravely face this time period as a single person.
Not what you want to hear right now, but please consider.
