13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

New day, new goals.

So I woke up this morning, wiser than yesterday, although still a novice and I felt pretty good. D4 wasn't feeling well, so I cancelled a late meeting today, and will be picking her and S1 up early from daycare. We are going to just tug in on the couch with a couple of good story books (yep my S1 actually can sit still and listen to those books for quite a while, and D4 loves it).

Tonight when the kids are sleeping, I will be sorting out our shared folders with document, and take whatever belongs to me, and sort them in folders for myself, so I have a complete overview. Then I plan to sort some laundry, clean my house good and thoroughly, do a bit of home workout (Yea pretty hard to get out and hit the gym when I have the kids on my own, so I invested in some barbells so I can keep up on my "off week).

Tomorrow when my kids are sleeping, my neighbor is coming over, we are planing a golf trip to Portugal in march, and we are going to finish up ordering courses to play, hotel and other trips while we are there.

All in all, the day is good, and the 2x4 I once again got slammed in my face (and I appreciate it, I really do), makes me reflect and grow.

So immediate work I need to do:

- Work on my NGS - I know, that I am enabling ww behaviour and cake eating with my behavior and approval seeking, as you guys have mentioned. I just find it so bloody hard to let go of her, because I see how she is making some really poor choices (yep, that is me telling my self that I know what is right and wrong, however it doesn't change anything - she does what she does). I need to tell my self, that her choices have consequences, and I can not save her anymore, I should not. She ended things and kept me in the dark from her affair, and still, I am a little puppy waiting for the smallest of acknowledgment. That behavior is taking a 180 now.

- Work on my confidence - I actually already feel great when she is not around, I notice female acknowledgment in the gym - I am back to being on top of my work, and I am enjoying it. I enjoy my time alone with my kids, and I am not scared about selling the house, and starting a new future for me and my kids in an apartment somewhere. When WW enters my mind (usually when she texts me, or if I notice a place in town, or a place that holds a memory of the two of us) I use the stop sign technique where I think of a stop sign and visualize it inside of my head - that is super helpfull.

So definitely I need to put my energy into NGS and approval seeking behavior - letting completely go of the responsibility I still feel I have over her. It is no longer my problem, I deserve more, I am better is what I will tell my self daily.

I hope you all have a wonderful day around the globe.
/H

[SteveLW]

Hurt, are you in IC?

[AnotherStander]

I like that post Hurt, 99.9% about you and almost no mention of W! Well done!

[Hurt213]

Hi Steve,

Yes I am, and have been since mid august 2018. I guess, I have been explaining my sitch, but from the wrong point of view. This is my story:

Basically I have been dealing with severe depression that has its origin in me "catching" a chronic stomic sickness (english is not my mother tongue, hope you understand) in my early twenties. I had just finished military duty and had been cleared for officer school however, when I was diagnosed, all my dreams for my future went south in a matter of weeks. So... I have always been a very outgoing, confident and popular person, since sports have come natural to me, and well, classical story I guess, with success on the field comes popularity outside of the field.

But... Here we were, Hurt213, 22 years old, no plans for the future, dreams collapsed, and now, a life with medicin and checkups at the hospital every 2nd week for years to come, perhaps the rest of my life. <-- That screams for professional help, however I would have none of it, my girlfriend my family and my close friends all talked about it, however I shot it down and said everything was okay. It wasn't.

I ended up pursuing a career of which my ww had enrolled to (teaching). It was never what I dreamt of, nor was it anything I had a real interest in, however I had already begun slipping into the depression (IC statement) since I was already giving up on the person I was, the person people liked, and the person I liked. I had begun making choices, not out of interest, but choices that reflected the person I was beginning to attach too in an unhealthy manner, because it was taking control with my life (ww).

So Hurt213 studied for 4 years and finished the education. Had D4 while we studied. My friends slowly faded as I chose to spend my days being at school, and then returning home to be with WW, who did not really socialize much either (she told me during the break up, that she felt like she had to stay home with me - she never communicated the issue though). So I felt like everything was okay, I didn't mind the fact that my friendcircle was rapidly decreasing. I didn't nurture it, it didn't matter. I got more and more closed in, and just spent my time trying to be a really good boyfriend and father. WW seemed to enjoy it, we made plans for the future, house purchase and everything was just falling like pearls on a string. All the while, I was attaching more and more, and lost more and more of my self. I had become a fulltime pleaser, but my physique (was jacked in my early twenties due to massive time invested in sports, ate real healthy and focused on taking care of my self) rapidly went down hill because I had no appetite with the new sickness, and could go for a day without feeling hunger. WW said she felt like it was her responsibility to take care of me and make sure I ate (I was like a 2nd child). I became thin, didn't take care of my self like I had earlier, and guess I wasn't very attractive.

I didn't see these things, and I guess it went on, however we had fun, we talked about our dreams, we had S1 and though I had many days in bed, with depression, when we had good days, they were really good. I tried to help where I could, but she had her hands full with two small children, full time job and me being depressed and having medicine not working as it should.

So this brings us to 2018 July. Her EA has begun, I know nothing of this. We had a killer summer holiday with lots of activities, I was feeling great, had lots of energy, and we went out, she was all over me this summer, hugs, kisses, sex hasn't been this good for as long as I can remember. I had the energy to help out, take the kids out so she could relax, do things I hadn't done in a long time. It turns out, that my new medicines that I started on in june, completely shut down the infection in my stomach. So in august when the affair was revealed, and she broke it off with me, I had energy, I had begun surfacing. We went to MC before the affair was revealed, and the therapist told me in a single session that she would advice me to see her colleague because she was certain there was a lot I needed to deal with (she was so right).

So I took her on the offer, and have been in therapy since, and I am now, 6 months later, getting back to being jacked, I feel way more confident, I am beginning to see the person I was, and my infection numbers are still as a "normal persons". but the attachment to WW, because she was so much to me, when I was so far down, is something I am struggling with.

To put it black and white. She has been through a lot. I hope she takes it with her to her next relationship, that she learns to communicate, because I was unable to see the signs in my state of mind, and she didn't express herself so I understood. We could have dealt with a lot of things, but in the end she chose to leave me, and wreck a family of two little kids for a fling, and this is her life, so she can choose to do that, but the consequences are, that she can't be part of my life other than what involves the kids, because I need to detach, and the only way I can (what I feel is working at least) is if I am in as little contact with her as possible. (can't and won't go dark because of our two little ones - but our interactions can be businesslike and only about the kids).

Wall of text, but I felt like I needed to write my story.

/H

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So things are actually pretty great for me at the moment .

Yesterday I picked up my kids early, and we went for a walk with S1 in the stroller and D5 on her running bike. We just walked, talked about nature, and had a good time while getting some fresh air. Really enjoyable.

After having tugged in my kids yesterday, I cleaned the house, prepped lunchboxes for the kids, and then my neighbor came over. We finished planning our Portugal golf tour, and I am stoked. It will be a lot of fun, and we are going with 10 other people whom I haven't met but all around our age, so it is definitely going to be a nice time.

We also discussed the possibility of going to Florida during christmas, because neither he or me have our kids for christmas. So we might book a weeks golf over the holidays - looking into this.

Today D5 is not feeling well, so I decided to take a day of absence, and keep her home. I think she needed some alone time with daddy and just some attention in general because yea, I've been wrapped up around myself while not having the strength to navigate properly in this mess. We are just tugging under blankets in the living room, and she is enjoying herself. She just fell asleep, so here I am doing some self implementing therapy.

This afternoon my ex will be coming home to play and eat with the kids. I have decided, that I do not need to partake in this, so I am going to the gym when she arrives (Its hard to fit in time for the gym, when I am alone with the kids, so hey, if the opportunity presents itself, then off I go). I do not hear much from her, and that is nice. I am still using the stop sign technique, but a little less for every day. I am beginning to have my own routines now, and that is enjoyable. After the gym, I am going to go eat at my sisters place and have a good time. Then I will be going home when the kids are going to bed, and my ex is leaving again.

She texted me yesterday, and sent me two pictures of books that needed to be returned to the library, and said if I could take them there today, if I was gonna go to the gym. <-- This is where Hurt213 is getting a bit confused because..... So basically I can write two things.

1. I say, no problem and am gonna take the books because im going anyways. <--- So if I go this way, I will be told here, that I am acting on my NGS, and she can deliver her own goddamn books, and I look weak for helping her and she is screwing another guy, and I owe her nothing. I am only doing this for a reaction...

2. I can ignore her text because it has nothing to do with kids or finances, and it would apply to my NGS that im trying to 180 to be her errand boy. She borrowed the books, she can deliver them herself to the library. <-- So if I take this approach, I am most likely being told, that I am looking for a reaction by not responding and not helping out when it is where I am going anywhere...

Its like whatever bridge I go down, its bound to collapse .

However, I do feel like in order to detach myself to a state where I no longer care (and for the record, whatever reaction she comes up with, Im sure I can handle it - the two scenarios are made with the feedback that I know I will receive, and dont get me wrong, I appreciate it a lot. I just hope you see it from my point of view - I might be overthinking it).

Well anyways. I chose option 2. I haven't responded. Frankly I found it weird to recieve a text with a request for help, when we dont communicate over anything else than the kids and when to call them. I haven't answered, and it left my mind until I began journaling now. I think she can live her own life, and return her own books .

[LH19]

H,

We want you to choose number two because you honestly feel that there is no way I am doing a favor for a person who has disrespected me so badly. Remember, people have choices and choices have consequences.

I know when you are looking for a reaction.

Sounds like your doing pretty well. Keep it up.

Still waiting for a post when your w isn't mentioned at all.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So weekend is just around the corner, and tomorrow I am going to hand over the kids, which I dont feel quite as bad with as I did last week. Dont get me wrong, it is still a very awkward thing to just give up "ownership" of your kids for an entire week, but I have a lot planned for the coming days, and I am looking forward to that.

So today I am picking up the kids early, then we are going to go shopping for "friday candy", then a good long walk, a nice dinner tonight, and then we are staying up late with the fireplace lit an hot cocoa with marshmallows.

Tomorrow I am going to pack my bags, and then I am heading to the range for some practice. After practice, I am going to the gym for a session. Tomorrow evening I am going to my parents place, and just have a quite evening. Sunday I am going to the cinema. I have a late work day monday, and after that hitting the gym. tuesday I am taking my kids to gymnastics, and then heading to my neighbors before going to my parents place. Wednesday is golf practice, thursday I am meeting up with som friends after gym, and we are going to go to a caffe and just talk and have fun. Friday I am heading home to be with my kids. So yea, quite a nice week ahead of me, and I am looking forward to it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and be happy for what you are and what you got, because life is what you make it out to be. So make it great.

[neffer]

Enjoy your time Hurt. And keep DB with you ;-)

[Hurt213]

So been some days since I posted about "me" .


Basically I handed over the kids saturday, hugged and kissed my kids and headed straight to the golf course. I had a great day, and ended the day at my parents place with a big steak, mashed potatoes and gravy on the side (My mom hates my sitch, but really enjoys having me home :D).

Sunday one of my mates asked if we should take 18 holes at the golf course, and so we did - I had a blast, and we ended the day having a beer and a burger - I was supposed to go to the cinema, but I was totally beat and decided to watch a movie with my dad and call it a night. D4 called me while I was out golfing, and told me that she had been to the library with her little brother, and now they were baking and having fun, that was really nice to know.

I have asked that we only visit once (midweek) when its not our week with the kids. Also that we allow the kids to call us, when they want to instead of us asking the kids if they want to call the parent who is not present. Basically it was clear to me last week, when I had the kids, that they seem to be fine and seem to enjoying themselves even if WW is not there. It is when I ask if they want to call (she asked me if they wanted to), or when she comes around twice in her off week, that they begin to act up, and want her - I did the exact same thing when it was my off week, so no blame game here. It was just common sense, that it was our needs and not the needs of the kids. She is a very good and loving parent, and I am sure the kids are exactly the same, when they are with her, so there is no reason to call every night or visit every 2nd day, just to remind them that we are not there when they wake up the following day. WW agreed and saw the logic in that, so I am really glad about that.

I feel like I am really detaching right now from not seeing her except for exchanges, and I am making a progress from the fact that I have gone completely "dim". I respond to texts related to kids (are the winter clothings in the daycare? etc.) and financial issues concerning the sale of our house, other than that, I dont respond because, it is for her to figure out how to make her life work.

I feel refreshed, I have appetite on life, and I haven't been happy like this in a long time. I won't lie, I still think to my self on a daily basis, how we ended up like this, and how it could have been avoided - but I use my stopsign technique, and I have realized, that actually its alright to reflect, because if I dont, then I will bring my bad habits with me into my next relationship, and that I will not.

Have a wonderful day all.

[Hurt213]

So, from experience I have decided not to answer any texts that I can't answer with something like yes / no answers when it is regarding the kids, without consulting here first:

I got this text an hour ago (I am in no rush to answer, so won't before I have gotten some advice).

WW: "The kids were happy this morning, when I dropped them off at daycare. D5 brought her sled, and told all the other kids, that they could borrow it, if they wanted too. Is it okay that I sleep at the house from friday to saturday? since I have the kids till saturday afternoon? Do you want to come to family gymnastic on friday? We can all go, or you can just go with D5?"

Im gonna elaborate on the text here, and then give you my take on what I would write - then when I see your suggestions, it will make me that much wiser on what I would had done wrong I guess..

So basically she agreed to take the kids an extra day (saturday), because I have some very important meetings at my job with clients - Actually I was just going to come home saturday after the meetings, so her staying in the house from friday to saturday changes nothing.

I haven't seen the invitation for family gymnastics, and therefore didn't know - however my daugher loves it, and I feel like I should attend.

Here is what I would reply:

"Hi, ww.

Sounds like D5 had a good day. Thanks for letting me know about friday, I will take D5 to the gymnastics event.

/hurt"