I'm realizing I need to let her miss me. Obviously what I've been doing is not working. I don't think she has felt what it will really be like if we D. I've been too available to her and too willing to help her with things she should be doing in her own. She also have really felt what it's like to be alone without the kids since she is living with her parents. Her parents were out of town for a week recently and it was my weekend to have the boys. We talked recently about that and she said it made her really sad that she was all alone in the house. I don't think she's really thought about what life will be like if we D.
I'm realizing I need to let her miss me. Obviously what I've been doing is not working. I don't think she has felt what it will really be like if we D. I've been too available to her and too willing to help her with things she should be doing in her own. She also have really felt what it's like to be alone without the kids since she is living with her parents. Her parents were out of town for a week recently and it was my weekend to have the boys. We talked recently about that and she said it made her really sad that she was all alone in the house. I don't think she's really thought about what life will be like if we D.
Flip this on its head. You need to prepare yourself for what it will be like when you are D'd. So start preparing. Let her go. Move on. She fired you as her H so don't BE her H anymore. But not for her, for you.
The side effect of this might be that she wakes up and realizes that D is not really what she hoped it was. But that shouldn't be the goal or you may end up disappointed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm realizing I need to let her miss me. Obviously what I've been doing is not working. I don't think she has felt what it will really be like if we D. I've been too available to her and too willing to help her with things she should be doing in her own. She also have really felt what it's like to be alone without the kids since she is living with her parents. Her parents were out of town for a week recently and it was my weekend to have the boys. We talked recently about that and she said it made her really sad that she was all alone in the house. I don't think she's really thought about what life will be like if we D.
Flip this on its head. You need to prepare yourself for what it will be like when you are D'd. So start preparing. Let her go. Move on. She fired you as her H so don't BE her H anymore. But not for her, for you.
The side effect of this might be that she wakes up and realizes that D is not really what she hoped it was. But that shouldn't be the goal or you may end up disappointed.
Steve,
You're right that I should be moving on. I am slowly getting there and trying to drop the rope. I am preparing as if this is going to end in D. As I said before I'm making changes in myself to be a better partner and father with no expectation that it will change her mind. I'm going to be a great partner for W or for someone else in the future. I just wish it hadn't come to this to get me to look in the mirror and realize things needed to change but alas here I am.
I have a busy weekend scheduled with the boys so I am really looking forward to that.
Took the boys to get haircuts today and W asked if she could tag along. I agreed. The thing that bothers me is how cold she can be when we're together. She acts as if this whole thing doesn't bother her at all. W acts like she couldn't care less about me and just wants to be away from me. I don't know if that's really how she feels but it is what she projects when we're together. I just can't believe what a 180 she has done since BD. It makes me question everything from our MR and whether she ever truly loved me.
Other than today when she was with us getting haircuts we haven't talked at all recently. Even with everything I've had planned with the boys, my mind still goes to her and what she's doing. I know I need to detach from her and I really am trying but every so often my mind wanders back to her and I feel like I'm back to square one. I hope as time goes on the detaching will get easier, but right now it's very hard.
I want to save my marriage, but sometimes I wish we could just fast forward and get this over with so I would have no choice but to move on. At least at that point there would be some finality because living limbo [censored].
For those that have dealt or are dealing with a WAS, did your S show any kind of remorse or are the majority of WAS so far gone that they just don't care?
RVA18 - I honestly think it depends on your partner, but so far mine is playing the victim. Unable to acknowledge any personal stake in our situation, ambiguously apologizes for "anything he did to mess things up, and would undo it all if he could make things right"...but also "I'm still mad at you for the things you do to tick me off" ...sooo I'd say the advice to take it slow and take everything with a grain of salt is so, so true. Fingers crossed you've got an exception to the rule but in my creeping on these boards, it's likely you should buckle up and you'll know when your partner is undergoing true changes.
She is full-bore on starting the divorce process (she wants to separate, so that means filing for divorce—probably doesn’t make sense but whatevs).
I haven’t seen too much remorse per se; what I have seen from her are: 1.) she brought up pursuing marriage counseling (as married, but separated, and doing that on her terms); 2.) she brought up the potential for recon down the road; 3.) she admitted the other night that both of us have some responsibility in this (but she did NOT mention anything about her role in this).
I have my concerns about her doing MC (would she be doing it to use it to vent against me, or would she do it to check it off the box and say ‘welp I’ve done everything I could, guess we better follow through on the divorce’), and I go back and forth about recon’ing—I’m deeply conflicted if I want to with her, all things considered.
If any of this sounds like remorse, then yeah—she’s showing remorse.
But to me, I haven’t seen anything that traditionally looks like remorse. If you or anyone here on the forum see it in what I’ve said, please let me know.
That’s a tough one to answer. What is remorse actually? My sitch is a bit bizarre because my H found a way to leave four years ago without actually leaving. When I finally found out about his double life, he appeared to be remorseful. He is aware of the damage he has caused and feels bad about it so is remorseful in that regard. However, he is too far gone to see any other option but to walk away. My H is full speed ahead on dismantling the life we had together. Whenever I see him, he looks like he is completely sure of what he is doing so in that respect, no... no remorse. He thinks he is doing the right thing for all of us.
I haven’t seen too much remorse per se; what I have seen from her are: 1.) she brought up pursuing marriage counseling (as married, but separated, and doing that on her terms); 2.) she brought up the potential for recon down the road; 3.) she admitted the other night that both of us have some responsibility in this (but she did NOT mention anything about her role in this).
I have my concerns about her doing MC (would she be doing it to use it to vent against me, or would she do it to check it off the box and say ‘welp I’ve done everything I could, guess we better follow through on the divorce’), and I go back and forth about recon’ing—I’m deeply conflicted if I want to with her, all things considered.
If any of this sounds like remorse, then yeah—she’s showing remorse.
Bo your W is not showing remorse she is manipulating you. She wants you to agree to her terms of the divorce. Prior to the D WW/WAW may have doubts that they never show but that is not remorse.
Remorse if it comes is years down the road when they realize how much hurt and destruction they caused and still did not find their happiness.
For those that have dealt or are dealing with a WAS, did your S show any kind of remorse or are the majority of WAS so far gone that they just don't care?
Your spouse will probably not show much remorse throughout this process. That is very tough, because you are probably wanting that more than you ever have before, but you are now at a point where you are least likely to receive it. Funny how life works, huh? But all of that is out of your control, so you don't worry about it. You worry about something you can do to make your life great. Seriously!!! It's tough at first, but you hammer this to death and it can become second nature.
Anyways, if they are being remorseful, that is nice. But what do their actions and attitudes say? What have all of those things (words, actions, attitude) said and for how long?
Originally Posted by RVA18
She acts as if this whole thing doesn't bother her at all. W acts like she couldn't care less about me and just wants to be away from me.
That's how you should be acting. And you shouldn't be so focused on her.
Originally Posted by RVA18
I know I need to detach from her and I really am trying but every so often my mind wanders back to her and I feel like I'm back to square one. I hope as time goes on the detaching will get easier, but right now it's very hard.
Your mind is going to do that. You've been with this woman for some time now. There's no way around it. Now you change your mind! Attitudes ----- thoughts ------ actions ------!
Originally Posted by RVA18
but sometimes I wish we could just fast forward and get this over with so I would have no choice but to move on.
Not happening! So imagine this thought is a little stake in the ground and you have a big sledgehammer in your hands...you put that sucker in the ground and make your mind move on. When I was in basic, I missed home or I hated something we were doing one day or something else sucked. But you know what? You had to get mental control, focus on the task and not your negative emotions, and drive through it. That's what you will do and you will be successful.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
But all of that is out of your control, so you don't worry about it. You worry about something you can do to make your life great. Seriously!!! It's tough at first, but you hammer this to death and it can become second nature.