I didn't handle this well because I see it as one step closer to D.
The things you fear most, you will cause to come true. STOP fearing D. D is not the end of the world. D might be what helps your sitch and eventually gets your W and you back together. It happens all the time.
RVA here is your goal: you need to find your own happiness. Your W can come along on your journey, or go her own way. But find your OWN happiness, stop letting your happiness depend on her.
Originally Posted by RVA18
After MC we continued talking about OM and she told me we have to stop talking about it because it's only driving her further away because there's nothing going on with him.
Let me correct her. You continuing to talk about OM is pushing her further away, whether or not something is going on with him. DO NOT DO THINGS THAT PUSH HER AWAY. Unless that is what you want to do.
RVA, how is your GAL going? What would your self-assessment of your detachment? Are doing it well or poorly?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve: I've reached the point where I don't fear D, it's not what I want but I also don't want to be in a relationship where my love isn't reciprocated. I need to find my own happiness and I'm getting there. I know that no matter what happens to my MR I will be happy.
GAL has been on hold right now as I've been out of commission with the flu. Detaching is so-so right now, I got frustrated in MC when she brought up the splitting of finances. I don't let the things she says about my failures in our marriage bother me anymore. I used to get very upset about that but now I just let it go.
I didn't handle this well because I see it as one step closer to D.
Originally Posted by RVA18
Steve: I've reached the point where I don't fear D, it's not what I want but I also don't want to be in a relationship where my love isn't reciprocated. I need to find my own happiness and I'm getting there. I know that no matter what happens to my MR I will be happy.
So tell me how those two quotes match up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Struggling the last couple of days with thoughts about the W and the things that went wrong in our MR. I've been cooped up with the flu for the last four days so I haven't had anything to occupy my time. I also miss having someone here to take of me when I'm sick. W has checked on me several times this week to see how I'm feeling which was nice. I'm hoping I can kick this soon so I can get back to GAL, I'm starting to get cabin fever.
One positive is that limited contact is helping me to detach. I don't sit around wondering what W is doing all the time nor do I sit around hoping she will text me. Just a few weeks ago, every time I got a text or call I was hoping it was her and when it was her I responded immediately. Now when she texts I don't feel that urgency to respond right away, I reply when I can.
I’ve struggled a lot with what I’ve done wrong (or failed to do) in my MR. Some days I’m better about it than others.
Detaching helps with that, but so does time. I’ve been in my sitch for about a year or so—but only been in the forum for about 2 months. You’ll have better days and worse days—it’s like a rock splashing into water: it’s the worst closest to impact, but as you get further away (in time and in distance), the waves are less and less (if that makes sense).
I’m battling a bug as well (not sure if flu or sinus infection or whatever), but my W wants to talk with me about her parenting plan proposal. I’ve told her that I don’t want to make any big decisions while I’m sick—I also want to wait until I’m better so I can better handle any emotional reaction / manipulation from her (I don’t want to be taken advantage of or worn down more in my current state). It may not be the best approach, but it’s what it is right now.
I do agree that it would be nice to have someone to care for / about us—I do miss that and made a similar post on my thread. For me, being sick helps with detaching because I don’t have the mental energy to devote to her, and I hope that that part sticks.
With respect to the texting—I’ve tried to be better about viewing / responding to her texts. I see them when I see them, but I try to not respond totally right away, except when the kids are involved. That’s the thing—if it’s a pic or an article or a comment that is not kid-related, I really don’t respond if I don’t have to.
I also miss having someone here to take of me when I'm sick.
RVA...so no man would deny that it's a great feeling having the woman they love give them some TLC, BUT what you just said is what a weak man would feel and perhaps say to his W. If you take that further, if you give off the perception of a weak man, then your W's respect for you goes down. One thing that is spoken about here alot particularly from Sandi is how it is a woman's lack of respect for her husband that helps lead her wayward.
I highlight that one passage for your consideration. A strong man when sick will go on, push through it as best he can...silently. If his W offers him comfort as a sign of her respect for him, he will graciously thank her, but he won't be looking for it.
Look at that as an example of how perhaps unknowingly to you, you have done/said/acted in ways that have lead your W to lose respect for you. So much of this journey for you is getting back to the strong man your wife saw in you when you met. Being seen as a needy man for whom she has to take care of is going in the wrong direction, BUT easily fixable.
I hope what I've said makes sense. It stuck out to me and so wanted to share it with you.
It's been a little bit since I've posted. I'm finally over the flu and getting back to normal.
Not a whole lot to report on the MR front. W and I haven't been talking much except about the boys. It's gradually getting easier and easier. I used to get so worked up during our trade off of the boys, now I don't have any issues with that. The desire to try to reach out to her during the day is slowly fading.
I have the boys this weekend so I'm trying to figure something fun for us to do on Saturday. On Sunday me, W and the boys will be going to my mom's for a super bowl party. It will be the first time we have hung out together in about a month. W's parents will also be coming over as they get along very well with my Mom and stepdad. I'm going in with no expectations just hoping to have an enjoyable day with my family.
One huge positive that has come out of this is that I feel like I've become super Dad. One big issue in my MR was my interactions with the boys. I used to do a lot of yelling when they got me worked up but over the last couple months I've been taking time before I react to their behaviors. Since I started that, I've noticed their behavior has gotten better and we have a lot more fun together. I've made dealing with my anger my number one priority right now. I was talking to my IC about this and how it would affect relationship with my boys. I don't want them to grow up thinking their father is always mad at them. So I think right now I've found the silver lining.
Slowly but surely this is getting easier. I still want to save my marriage, but at this point I've stopped trying to save my marriage and am working on me and my relationship with my boys. I'm going to turn myself into a man only a fool would leave.
Yes! I am in similar sitch and my kids definitely have reacted in the positive to my change. W is still all unhappy, and at times uninterested in kids (basically uninterested in anything but herself) and short fused with the young kids. I on the other hand have 180'd and don't let any anger build up in me anymore. Life is too short and our kids are so precious. They thrive when my interactions with them are only positive, and I am teaching them too to phase out the negativity in their life. I am so happy to hear a similar dynamic on your end. Well done Dad!
On Sunday me, W and the boys will be going to my mom's for a super bowl party. It will be the first time we have hung out together in about a month. W's parents will also be coming over as they get along very well with my Mom and stepdad. I'm going in with no expectations just hoping to have an enjoyable day with my family.
Who knows the truth about the sitch?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
