The thing is though that with time and space you will also come up with a list of complaints on how your W didn't live up to your expectations either.
I’ve thought about that, LH. I’ve come up with a few things (at least, and I’ve probably already alluded to them in previous posts) about how W hasn’t totally lived up to mine.
She told me last week how both of us bear responsibility—but I’ve heard precious little from her on what she has said / done (or, maybe I just haven’t listened all that much, which could be it too).
I know it’s still relatively early in the day, but I really haven’t had too many thoughts about W or the pending S / D today.
I know RIP irony that I make this post because that means I’m thinking about it, but it really hasn’t been dominating my thoughts today like they have been. I also have seen on this forum that there will be days like this—days / moments where you think tons about it, and then days / moments where you don’t. Just accept and be grateful for what it is.
Teaching classes and being sick (caught YS’ respiratory virus from this past weekend) I’m sure help with some level of detachment.
I know it’s still relatively early in the day, but I really haven’t had too many thoughts about W or the pending S / D today.
I know RIP irony that I make this post because that means I’m thinking about it, but it really hasn’t been dominating my thoughts today like they have been.
Haha! Well coming here kind of does make you think about your sitch, and you are here to post about your sitch so you get a pass for that
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I also have seen on this forum that there will be days like this—days / moments where you think tons about it, and then days / moments where you don’t. Just accept and be grateful for what it is.
Yes exactly. That's how recovery goes. The number of days you think/ worry about your sitch get fewer and fewer as time goes on. It would be nice if it were a switch you could flip and be done with it, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You go back and forth for quite a while.
Yes exactly. That's how recovery goes. The number of days you think/ worry about your sitch get fewer and fewer as time goes on. It would be nice if it were a switch you could flip and be done with it, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You go back and forth for quite a while.
Hope you're feeling better soon!
Thanks, A/S. I hope I do, too—right now I feel like a truck hit me. Even though it won’t be much of a conversation on my end (especially thanks to my L’s consultation advice earlier this week), when W asked me if I wanted to talk about parenting plan, I asked to talk about it later because I’m feeling sick and to put it off until I feel better. I just want to be at my best to handle her because I’m sure she won’t handle it well.
It would be nice if I could flip the switch and be done with it, and get some resolution one way or the other about the sitch—but it won’t be like that. I know I’ve been back and forth for a while—for today it’s nice to not have the swings (in number, or in intensity). I just really don’t have the mental energy to think about my sitch right now—and I’ll consider that a blessing.
Still feel like trash, but it takes a lot to keep me out of the classroom (stomach flu, thrown-out back, sick child will all do that, but not this).
Getting ready for work this AM, and it’s t-shirt and jeans day for students, faculty and staff. I’m still liking how I look without a shirt on and jeans—having a positive body image is a leap from where I used to be (though losing 30 lbs. overall and not having as much flab around the waist / midsection helps).
I had a sex dream about W last night—I know, I was here yesterday talking about how much I haven’t really thought of her and our sitch today, and that changes it. It was weird—I could tell (as much as I could in a dream, anyway), that we were having sex, but that we were very physically apart while doing it.
While I believe it is possible for dreams to send us messages (anything is possible), I subscribe to the view mentioned by Steve somewhere else that dreams are most likely our brain’s way of processing info—and this could be an info dump by my brain.
What’s interesting is that while W would light me up for not wanting as much sex as her in terms of practices or number of encounters, she would ask me what I wanted in that regard, and when I would float the possibility of car sex she was the one who would hit the brakes (as it were) and demur and talk me out of it. She would become the relative prude. “Oh, I don’t know....don’t want to get caught, where would we, how would we?” I mean, wouldn’t that be the fun of it?
Today hasn’t been as acute in terms of thinking about W or our sitch, but I’ve thought about it a bit more than yesterday. It’s not the sharp, emotional stabs that it has been—more of a dull ache, than an acute one.
At home waiting on carpet cleaning guy to swing by and clean up some of the mustiness of the carpet from last week’s great kitchen flood—W is picking up the boys today.
Still not feeling great. I hope it’s not a physical manifestation of depression—I keep wondering if all this is in my head, and then I cough, or I feel the sore throat, and I realize, yeah maybe this isn’t all in my head. Mostly just body aches—like someone clubbed me with a 5-iron or something. My mom wonders if I have the flu (I did get a flu shot back in October, and while it protects from a couple of strains, if you do get a strain that is not covered, it at least helps minimize what you do have so it’s not a full-blown flu).
Just as the body aches, so does the heart. I guess not only do I feel physically vulnerable, but also emotionally vulnerable right now. I would love the attention and affection of a good woman right now.
Being sick reminds me of the fact that I do want to be taken care of, to an extent. I don’t want to be mother-ed; but it would be nice to have a woman who expresses genuine care / concern for me. I keep going back to what W said in February when I threw out my back—“I wish I loved you enough to want to take care of you.” I wish I had someone who loved me enough to want to take care of me. I don’t want to be waited on—but the care and concern and attention and affection would be really really nice. And that’s what I miss right now. Hugs. Kisses. ILYs.
Of course I can think about how lonely W probably felt (and is currently feeling) because of what I’ve said or not said or done or not done—‘now you know how I feel.’ The thing is, is that W really wanted to take care of me in the past—she would have done anything for me, but that feeling by her is gone (at least for now). And I’ve taken care of her through her illnesses, 2 pregnancies, and a good amount of dental work.
What I need to focus on is myself and the boys—helping myself to feel better, and caring for them to the extent that I can. I’ve taken care of myself when sick before—I did it when I was single / unmarried, or when W has traveled for work, and I can do it again, though I’m not exactly relishing the thought. I need to focus on getting better and creating the best life possible for me and the boys.
The thought did occur to me earlier this afternoon, as I was walking around the condo—that though I very much right now miss the attention and affection of a good woman, that this is relatively temporary. Right now, it feels like this sitch will not end, and that there is no end in sight. But this will pass, in time—I’m getting one day closer to some sort of resolution, and I trust there will hopefully be a good woman by my side in the future (whoever she is), in sickness and in health. I know I shouldn’t get hung-up on the thought of having someone by my side (want versus need—I need to show contentment with my current state in life, I know), but this is just where I’m at right now.
I hear ya on missing the affection and attention from a woman.. its been 7 weeks for me without w and that hurts . Got to look forward and not in the rearview I guess. It isn't easy thats for sure.
