Whirlwind of Hurt 7

[Twofeet]

It's funny you all posted on my thread today. I have it off and XW doesn't so she dropped the kids off this morning. When she left D8 needed to call up XW quickly. XW needed to speak with me after. At the end of the conversation I swear I heard XW say ILY to me. Maybe it was a freudian slip, I don't know maybe it was old habits. Anyway she called again after lunch and asked if she could come over and give the kids some gifts she bought. Lol, she also was complaining to me about money (if she would only cutback her spending )and said she wasn't going to get any raises for at least a year and wanted to know if I would tell her my compensation if it grows. I told her my goal is to be a true financial 50/50 with her and I don't like taking her CS money.
Anyway she stayed for about 15 minutes before heading back to work.

Speaking of her a little more, she has been occasionally sucking at being a parent. D8 had a fever last week and XW called at 23:30 at night and tried to get me to take her. I told her no, I could do a half day but not a full as I was already taking a day off to be with the kids that week and save money on childcare as it was a teacher in service that day. I had 6 days of work I had to compress into 4 including an interview for the news that day. She started throwing a tiff so I just called her out on her behavior. I just don't validate bad behavior from her anymore. I used to validate to de-escalate, but now I have too much respect for myself to put up with that. Anyway the next day she left D8 home alone with a fever for the morning while she dropped off D5 and S3 at school and ran errands. I found out from D8 about this and had to get after XW as this was not acceptable.

So anyway XW runs hot and cold. Likes to call the 5 of us a family or her family, wants to keep it in the family, don't share info outside of our 5 member family.... She is very nice or can blow up over one wrong word. Yeah she is still a bit nutty, and due to the age of the kids we have to interact a h3ll of a lot more than I ever thought we would. She never talks about our R thank the lord. Just kids and finances.

I pretty much have taken over as the primary parent. I deal with the school, scheduling, appointments, extracurriculars, etc. Xw does play dates and bday parties and that's about it, but that works for me. Kids need structure, discipline, and at least one stable parent. I continue to be that rock.

A week or two ago I caught the kids playing divorce. A very caustic divorce were D8 was the judge and S3 was the abusive H and the kids were going to be taken away and S3 had to move out of state. There was some other stuff because then D8 said child services were going to take the kids from D5. It was getting grim both from D8 and D5. I panicked and reached out to XW to which she laughed at me. XW was useless, so I stopped the kids explained the wrongs of the sitch and scheduled some counseling for them. Outside of that they have been doing well other than S3 never wants to go to XW house or be with her which makes things difficult for XW.

This new normal feels weird and I often feel like I am the twilight zone.

I am putting on weight. Up to 177 lbs, but still leaning out while making weightlifting gains. I need go down another waste size again, but the next size down feels too tight in the quads and thighs. This has happened in the past when I hit the weights seriously. I tend to put a lot of muscle on in my legs. I have my deadlift in the 300s. It will be a bit, but I will get it in the 400s again. Been doing hot yoga for a month or month and a half, and I love it. It improves my flexibility, my weightlifting, my PMA. I recommend it for anyone BD thru post-D. So I lift 3 days a week, do hot yoga 2 to 3 days a week depending on kid schedule, and night ski once a week. Season has ended up having some great snow this year.

Work is picking up and going well. Lots of work this season, but all very exciting. Due to the nature of my job and my participation in my local industry I am able to tie a lot of GAL in through work related connections and functions. Next couple of weeks are pretty packed with things I am attending. I have loose trip planned for late April to visit a buddy in L.A. I want to plan a little 3 or 4 day vacation for me and the kids this summer, but I haven't decided what to do yet. I have some solo hiking trips planned for this summer, I would like to add a lady companion to these hikes if the time is right.

Yes, I am probably not there yet to start dating women, but the temptation is very real. I sometimes wonder if I give off a vibe that women pick up on because I am seeing the interest. I think when married I had a H mindset and just shut my brain off to women as women. I am at the point where I am ready to move on, but haven't moved on. I still have moments of grief, but they are few and far between. If XW tried to comeback tomorrow the answer would be no. It hurts to think that, but I could never consider another attempt unless she matured and worked on herself. At that point it would only be a maybe.

This whole process has helped me connect to my emotions and express them much better. I think I have made self improvements by the leaps and bounds. I have an IC appointment this week to do a check in. I know IC says where I am now compared to the first week of BD is light years ahead.

[Adam04]

Hey TF,

Good to hear you are doing well and being the rock for the kids. Sounds like a great update overall. Definitely looks like you got a full plate of things to do.

Sorry to hear about the kids playing D. They're going to mimic and pick up on what they see and hear. Some of it will mean nothing and others you will have to make sure they understand what is/isn't appropriate. You did right with explaining the wrongs of the sitch and I think it was okay to reach out to xW. Sorry to hear that she laughed about it.

Your GAL sounds awesome. I have a brother who goes skiing with a close friend of mine every year. They take a group trip and I've never gone before. Came close to taking the kids before my youngest one screamed his head off from being scare of the plane ride. Was the last time we flew for any trips. How is night skiing? Never really heard of that.

Man 177 pounds and building muscle? I was 5 ' 10, 175 lean muscle wearing size 32 back in my hay day. Vibes, pheromones, confidence, whatever you want to call it, they can tell.

[Twofeet]

Just to clarify. I explained the wrongs of the kids divorce play. XW and I did not have an abusive or caustic MR or D. I am not sure where it came from. Maybe school friends of D8 and D5, maybe tv shows? Who knows, but I am glad I stopped it and hopefully they learned why it was wrong.

[AnotherStander]

TF, sounds like you are taking care of business! That's crazy that the kids were doing a mock divorce, wow! Regarding the "family" comment, my ex does the exact same thing and still does it to this day. Not often, but when she does it's just... so.... weird to hear it come out of her mouth.

[Twofeet]

I just have to get on here and vent because I am so angry right now I don't want to do something stupid. XW texted me about scheduling and then called me. She has an "appointment" most of the day Saturday into the evening, and this is her weekend with the kids. I said I am super busy Saturday, but I would be available Sunday. I also asked if this was overnight because I am available Saturday evening. She scoffs and says this isn't a date. I say what's going on cause the doc isnt open on Sat. She says she is too embarrassed to tell me. I say you dont have to tell me what it is. How about you just reschedule for next weekend when I have the kids? I say I am just booked up all day Saturday. She gets pissed and proceeds to talk about our MR and how if I want to be successful in a future R I need to be less selfish and I always put myself first in our MR and above our kids blah, blah, blah it's all your fault. I said if stuff comes up in the future to let me know however I am booked She threw in some foul language and more blaming. I just sighed heavily into the phone and said I hear what your saying, I need to go, goodbye.

I got off the phone shaking in anger. I want to call her selfish @ss up and give her a piece of my mind. I mean the school has been contacting me because we are late in tuition because she isnt paying her portion. I forwarded her the email a week ago only to have her get pissed at me and try to blame me. Last week she forgot the kids lunch for after school care on a 1/2 day. I let her know the school called. She wanted me to go get a lunch but I was wrapped up in work and over an hour away. It would have taken her 15 min to leave work, run to the grocery store, and drop it off at the kids school. She then blamed me for not taking off early to get the kids. (Official handoff time is 3pm). She forgot their lunch, but she says I am selfish and I put work above my family even though I am physically an hour away from even being able to head to the kids school which is another 30 min away.
I am the selfish one even though I am the one going to school events, taking D8 to tryouts, prioritizing my budgets around their education, taking them to counseling, and so much more.

I am just so tired of her effing sh!t. One minute she is nice and the next she is nasty. Is she delusional? Is she a narcissist?

I have been nonconfrontational with her, avoiding and ignoring arguments and her piss poor attitude. I need to be a coparent, treat her like a business partner and take the high road. When is enough going to be enough? I just want to tell her to go take a flying leap.

[bubbs16]

I just have to get on here and vent because I am so angry right now I don't want to do something stupid. XW texted me about scheduling and then called me. She has an "appointment" most of the day Saturday into the evening, and this is her weekend with the kids. I said I am super busy Saturday, but I would be available Sunday. I also asked if this was overnight because I am available Saturday evening. She scoffs and says this isn't a date. I say what's going on cause the doc isnt open on Sat. She says she is too embarrassed to tell me. I say you dont have to tell me what it is. How about you just reschedule for next weekend when I have the kids? I say I am just booked up all day Saturday. She gets pissed and proceeds to talk about our MR and how if I want to be successful in a future R I need to be less selfish and I always put myself first in our MR and above our kids blah, blah, blah it's all your fault. I said if stuff comes up in the future to let me know however I am booked She threw in some foul language and more blaming. I just sighed heavily into the phone and said I hear what your saying, I need to go, goodbye.

I got off the phone shaking in anger. I want to call her selfish @ss up and give her a piece of my mind. I mean the school has been contacting me because we are late in tuition because she isnt paying her portion. I forwarded her the email a week ago only to have her get pissed at me and try to blame me. Last week she forgot the kids lunch for after school care on a 1/2 day. I let her know the school called. She wanted me to go get a lunch but I was wrapped up in work and over an hour away. It would have taken her 15 min to leave work, run to the grocery store, and drop it off at the kids school. She then blamed me for not taking off early to get the kids. (Official handoff time is 3pm). She forgot their lunch, but she says I am selfish and I put work above my family even though I am physically an hour away from even being able to head to the kids school which is another 30 min away.
I am the selfish one even though I am the one going to school events, taking D8 to tryouts, prioritizing my budgets around their education, taking them to counseling, and so much more.

I am just so tired of her effing sh!t. One minute she is nice and the next she is nasty. Is she delusional? Is she a narcissist?

I have been nonconfrontational with her, avoiding and ignoring arguments and her piss poor attitude. I need to be a coparent, treat her like a business partner and take the high road. When is enough going to be enough? I just want to tell her to go take a flying leap.

man i feel for you that sounds exhausting .... they really do all act flippin nuts dont they ?

[Twofeet]

Yes and I thought it would get better, but it feels like its getting slowly worse. Like there is a slow impending fallout on the horizon. I feel like she is going to hit rock bottom and pull me down with her. It's like I can see it coming, but I just haven't figured out what to do.

I'm so worked up I can't sleep so I'm going to go lift right now to burn up some energy and anger.

[LH19]

TF,

I think you handled it fine other than I wouldn't have brought up at all what she doing. Your still attached but that is normal due to the speed of your BD to D. In time when she has those melt downs you will shrug your shoulders and get a laugh out of it.

I was also deemed as selfish in my marriage but a lot of it was because I always took the lead on things we were going to do and never was given any push back from her. Then when things got bad it was always "we always did what you wanted to do".

[Wanted1]

TF,

I think you handled it fine other than I wouldn't have brought up at all what she doing. Your still attached but that is normal due to the speed of your BD to D. In time when she has those melt downs you will shrug your shoulders and get a laugh out of it.

I was also deemed as selfish in my marriage but a lot of it was because I always took the lead on things we were going to do and never was given any push back from her. Then when things got bad it was always "we always did what you wanted to do".

Not to hijack, TF, but this sounds exactly like my XW, LH. I was controlling and selfish because everything we did was what I wanted to do. Looking back, there might be some truth to that, however, the thing that is overlooked is the fact that I always went to her to discuss/approve whatever it was I was suggesting we do or buy. Never once did she tell me 'No' or that she didn't agree. How is that on me? If I don't know that she felt differently about something because she didn't speak her mind, I always assumed she was in agreement with whatever it was.

It's just sort of sad/mind boggling that that is essentially the only thing she can 'cling' to as a reason things we awry.... She even admitted in C that she has always felt the need to do/please the male in her life due to her past abuses. Basically, that even if she didn't agree, she would keep quiet about her opinions and agree with whatever it was because that is what I wanted and she wanted to make me happy. Again, that is somehow my fault....

Sooooo frustrating. But, on the bright side, I don't have to deal with that anymore!

[Twofeet]

TF,

I think you handled it fine other than I wouldn't have brought up at all what she doing. Your still attached but that is normal due to the speed of your BD to D. In time when she has those melt downs you will shrug your shoulders and get a laugh out of it.

I was also deemed as selfish in my marriage but a lot of it was because I always took the lead on things we were going to do and never was given any push back from her. Then when things got bad it was always "we always did what you wanted to do".

LH,

Part of me just wanted to know in case it was a serious need/favor worth breaking plans for. However, you are correct part of it is that there is still some attachment to her. I was introduced to a nice looking woman yesterday, I guess as a vetting out plan by a gal I know. She told me I should consider dating this woman. I had that bug stuck in my head all day yesterday until my XW threw her fit on the phone. I then realized while I am not attached at the hip to XW anymore, I still am attached to her. That whole tirade was a bit of a reality check and further pushing me to that tipping point. I am not ready to see other women. I am getting closer, but still not over XW yet. I look forward to the day when XW has a meltdown and I just say look when I have the kids I do my job, so when you have them just do you job.

XW says I was selfish in the MR, but its total BS. This is just something she used to get her way with me. She even tried leveraging this against me through her folks. Eventually, that stopped working on them as they could see the truth, and her mom called her out a few times on it. XW wanted me to take the lead so she wouldn't have to deal with it, unless it went against what she wanted. Then it became how she does everything and I am just selfish. The more time goes on and the more I look back on our MR I wonder what the heck happened to her.