She is 100% adamant that its over. Nothing is going to change that womans mind that is for sure.
Said every LBS on these forums ever. She seems resolute right now but in 6 months? A year? 3 years? Who knows. They do often change their minds back again. But you can't sit around waiting, you've got to focus on you. And it sounds like you are starting to do that, so good!
Where I’m kinda at right now. Feeling like it’s over and nothing’s going to change her mind, ever.
You're on this site so you are trying to save your marriage. Then you're not sure if you would reconcile and now apparently you are settling for your W. Do you see how you're all over the place?
You need to take sometime and be by yourself which will give you a chance to work on you.
Are you addressing the issues that caused your W to cry in the shower?
You're on this site so you are trying to save your marriage. Then you're not sure if you would reconcile and now apparently you are settling for your W. Do you see how you're all over the place?
You need to take sometime and be by yourself which will give you a chance to work on you.
Are you addressing the issues that caused your W to cry in the shower?
Yeah.....I am all over the place. Need to get off my rollercoaster, let alone W’s. I do want to save our MR—but I have to wonder at what price? Can this be saved? To me it doesn’t feel like she wants to save it, but I know that those are her current feelings, right now.
The ‘settling’ part is more of down the road—I just don’t want to settle to settle. Don’t want to settle for someone else down the road, don’t want to settle for recon just to recon—I want to make sure things are better in the future and for the future.
She would cry in the shower because of how she felt that I treated her—especially with respect to not listening to her, so the remedies are being more into actions and not words, trying to not procrastinate / be forgetful, and I think sex is one of them in the past, but I’m not pursuing sex with her (more like pursuing overall).
I am trying better to listen to her, prove myself more with actions instead of just talk, and not put things off and better cope with / manage forgetfulness.
Will wondering about the price and whether or not your MR be saved help you or your marriage in any way? If not, then it's just unproductive noise getting in the way of your life and healing.
Originally Posted by Bo562
To me it doesn’t feel like she wants to save it, but I know that those are her current feelings, right now.
You state a feeling, then you state that her feelings are just current - as if they can change. Well, if hers can change so can yours? Be positive, and don't worry about those things so much. In the first paragraph you talk about getting off her rollercoaster, then in the second you jump back on it?
I like the last line, Bo. Keep working on making those 180s real and lifelong.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
The ‘settling’ part is more of down the road—I just don’t want to settle to settle.
If you don't want to settle then don't settle. You do realize settling is a choice right?
Originally Posted by Bo562
She would cry in the shower because of how she felt that I treated her—especially with respect to not listening to her, so the remedies are being more into actions and not words, trying to not procrastinate / be forgetful, and I think sex is one of them in the past, but I’m not pursuing sex with her (more like pursuing overall).
Are you saying she would cry in the shower because you wouldn't pursue sex with her?
She is 100% adamant that its over. Nothing is going to change that womans mind that is for sure.
Said every LBS on these forums ever. She seems resolute right now but in 6 months? A year? 3 years? Who knows. They do often change their minds back again. But you can't sit around waiting, you've got to focus on you. And it sounds like you are starting to do that, so good!
Where I’m kinda at right now. Feeling like it’s over and nothing’s going to change her mind, ever.
But yes, keep focus on self and the boys.
So look at this post.
You answer AS' questions based on HER. Then say "keep the focus on self and the boys".
Step back and think about it from Bo's perspective? What does Bo want? And answer this for Bo WITHOUT her being the focus. Things like:
"Bo wants to be healthy and happy, a good father, and in a mutual loving relationship with a wonderful woman."
See the difference?
Your answer was not up to you but up to your W. The second answer is up to you! The wonderful woman may be your W in the future, or some other woman.The point is that don't be the LBS that only thinks about his future in terms of HER choice, but rather looks at it in terms of the LBS' choice.
You will be happy and fulfilled again. WITH OR WITHOUT her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Are you saying she would cry in the shower because you wouldn't pursue sex with her?
That was one of the things she was unhappy with and she told me about, yes. I’m also sure that was at least one of the things she would cry about. She wanted me to change with respect to sex in terms of frequency and practices, and wanting to be desired.
After ILYBINILWY BD, I made a 180 in that regard; but I did let off the gas as the pregnancy progressed—out of respect for her fatigue levels. And then I waited a few weeks, as is customary for post-pregnancy healing.
I can tell you why I gave up on my marriage - hopelessness. Hopelessness that the changes that I need to see in my husband to make me happy as a woman and make me swoon with desire can happen. Because for most married women, desire starts outside of the bedroom. I have to respect you as a man, whatever the criteria it maybe for each individual woman. I lost hope that my husband has the character and strength to make permanent changes in himself. I have convinced myself that based on his actions in the past I am not important to him enough for him to jump through the hoops. I have told him and told him and told him and told him and on and on and on. He would change for a bit, but it would ALWAYS go back to where it started. And it seems to be the running theme here, men don't really listen and take their wives seriously. Like a boss who nods in agreement when you ask for a raise every year, but then nothing happens and years go by. You then loose hope that you are a valued employee and is forced to find another job or quit even though you love your job. I believe that if you really dig deep into your past you will probably remember what your wife "bugged and nagged" you about on the consistent basis. You probably acted as if those things were optional but she was telling you exactly what you need to do that makes her see you as a male PARTNER. .............. How hopeless she must have felt with this marriage to initiate her own self destruction? It is not an impulse. Oh, no. She has been feeling like this is her only option left to shake you up. Like I said, every situation is unique, but it sounds like she is hanging on to the marriage. If everything you say is true, I would assume she is still waiting like me, otherwise she would file a long time ago. Something you are doing or not doing that has yet to convince her that you are the man she wants to grow old with. I only know what my husband needs to do, but every woman has a different love language, like you said. I would probably assume that communication has not been your marriage's strongest point like many, so if I have to give you any point here I would start with improving your interpersonal communication skills. Men seem to struggle in this department. They either passively agree to everything wife says to avoid a conflict and to appear supportive or they stonewall or get defensive and accusatory. Neither approach helps the bedroom situation. One comes off as weak and passive another as an [censored].
Cruising the forums, and I saw this.......and this pretty much fits my sitch to a T.
It’s still hard to not beat myself up over this, though. But I also know that I won’t get anywhere, at all, if I keep looking back at the past.
