I hear ya on missing the affection and attention from a woman.. its been 7 weeks for me without w and that hurts . Got to look forward and not in the rearview I guess. It isn't easy thats for sure.
Going from regular intimacy to nothing for months [censored]. I had never gone that long in my life without intimacy. It was five months.
In my sitch I am done though. I wont be intimate much less hug my WW ever again. She doesnt deserve that from me and I deserve much better.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Unlike you, I don't think I have a WW (at least not confirmed).
I miss the hugs / kisses / touches, and yes, sex--but I'm just not sure how much I want it from her right now anyway.
It's been 2.5 months without sex--we've only done that when she's been gone on work trips--not even for NFP did we abstain for that long (usually it was like 2 weeks).
Hard to find W emotionally attractive, and trying to break up a family through D does not earn many points in my attraction book.
Every now and then she looks very good, but it's mostly 'meh,' and my attraction to her overall is 'meh.'
Like I've said before on my posts, lots of women look good in a cami, bra and jeans, but I'm sure there are many others who can look good and treat me better than W is right now.
The fact that she is just ‘done’ with me and with everything in our MR.
I’ve had my suspicions, but not confirmation, of OM—I’m also not looking for it, either.
Originally Posted by LH19
Would it change anything for you if you found out today she was a WW?
The original purpose of my comment was for me to acknowledge to ST that my sitch is different than his.
However, what I’ve seen on these boards is that it really doesn’t make a difference whether the label is WAS/WS/MLC—they’re all relatively similar.
I have wondered if W is WW in the sense that morally she is much different than me (not that I ever expected us to be identical)—and she acknowledged that in the last couple of years she has changed a lot. I thought I saw that a WW can be wayward morally, although it tends to be used in the context of someone who is having some sort of A.
Would it matter to me if I found out today? Probably—I’d be much, much less willing to entertain the possibility of R’ing or piecing with her, and I would probably be more willing to go through the D / S.
Where you were suddenly willing to S and D, what do you think would happen?
I think she would be surprised, at least a little bit.
I still don’t think it would stop anything or change her mind, which I know is not the point.
But I need to stop making this about HER—and start making this about ME. Change the frame of reference.
When I spoke with my L last week, she told me that if W wants to separate—W can already do that, she doesn’t need to file paperwork for divorce and get that started. L’s words: “There’s something else she’s not telling you.”
I have been thinking more and more about a life without her as W recently. I went out for coffee to GAL while OS was at Sunday School yesterday—over on the bulletin board at the Starbucks down the street was a flyer for apartments in the neighborhood. Close to our parish, close-ish to where I work.
I’m not sure how realistic it would be—but at this point, very little sounds realistic to me.
Bo, glad you saw where I was going. I can honestly say that I had a W that was very sure that our MR was over, that she was moving out, and we were getting a D. The more I bucked against it the more dug in she got. But as I started to embrace the new direction the more she started to back off and change her mind. It is a weird dynamic. Those that are most successful at saving their marriages do it by giving up on the marriage. Your W sounds a lot like me. It is like the big dog that is all snarling and barking, but the minute you approach despite that it tucks its tail, lays down and rolls over to have its belly rubbed. Not all WAWs are like this, but the ones that are will quickly give up being so sure about what they want the minutes they start to get it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What do you mean your L said there is something your W is not telling you?
As far as WW/WAW/MLC goes everyone's sitch is unique in that everyone and there S are individuals. However, they all follow general scripts, paths, call it what you want for both the WAS and the LBS. Just treat it all the same.
Your W could be having a PA, EA, or her dreamboat could be all in her head. She could have some Male orbiters you are or you are not aware of. Monkey branching is a real thing. Regardless, you should pick the path to stand or move on. People on these boards have done both and neither is easy. You know what is worse? Vacillating in limbo. Pick your poison then walk your path and be Amoafwl regardless of the outcome.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
What do you mean your L said there is something your W is not telling you?
If I understood her correctly, L questions the need for W to file for D so quickly. I explained to L what W told me: W wants to put the paperwork in motion, separate, and then come back in 6-9 months after the paperwork is pending (I guess?), see where we are at and then come back together or proceed with D. To me, this has seemed bass-awkward if her intent is ever on coming back together.
L talked about how if W really wanted a trail S, then she can do that without putting paperwork in motion. Why go through all that trouble—unless there is something else going on?
Originally Posted by Twofeet
As far as WW/WAW/MLC goes everyone's sitch is unique in that everyone and there S are individuals. However, they all follow general scripts, paths, call it what you want for both the WAS and the LBS. Just treat it all the same.
Correct—I should treat it all the same.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Your W could be having a PA, EA, or her dreamboat could be all in her head. She could have some Male orbiters you are or you are not aware of. Monkey branching is a real thing. Regardless, you should pick the path to stand or move on. People on these boards have done both and neither is easy. You know what is worse? Vacillating in limbo. Pick your poison then walk your path and be Amoafwl regardless of the outcome.
What I do know is that this MR is effectively dead, and that I really don’t want MR 2.0 with her with our current dynamic.
I would want to ‘stand’ for the kids and for our vows, but I don’t want to settle for what was, if that makes sense. I understand we both have things we need to change, and I am doing my part to the best extent possible. Though I don’t want D, this is what she says she wants for now.
Bo, glad you saw where I was going. I can honestly say that I had a W that was very sure that our MR was over, that she was moving out, and we were getting a D. The more I bucked against it the more dug in she got. But as I started to embrace the new direction the more she started to back off and change her mind. It is a weird dynamic. Those that are most successful at saving their marriages do it by giving up on the marriage. Your W sounds a lot like me. It is like the big dog that is all snarling and barking, but the minute you approach despite that it tucks its tail, lays down and rolls over to have its belly rubbed. Not all WAWs are like this, but the ones that are will quickly give up being so sure about what they want the minutes they start to get it.
Hey Steve,
Thanks for your input.
I’m pretty sure W is all-in for D right now.
What I do remember is that earlier this month when she dropped it on me, I’m sure she was surprised I didn’t get mad, angry, or super-sad—I didn’t react on-script.
I do remember the advice—give up your MR to save your MR, as counter-intuitive as it sounds.
W is a lot of fire and brimstone right now—she has threatened me with a court order to remove me, but then later she is concerned how all this is affecting the kids. You think that barring Daddy from home is going to positively impact the boys?
Once I kick this bug, W and I will talk about the parenting plan, and I’ll restate my objections to it, ask some questions, and reinforce that if she wants out of the MR, she can leave (and I’ll bring up the talking points that L gave me). What I do know is that I haven’t given in to her initial demands, which for me is huge, and not what she expects. I do wonder if we go down this road and we start to do the practical aspects of this that if she will be so sure that she truly wants this. I don’t know, and that’s not for me to decide.
