Building my best self and life with or without W

[ovrrnbw]

And I just read your blog. Man, that's scary putting all of that out there like that. My biggest concern is your spouse seeing it. I don't know if that's good or bad, I'm definitely a more private person.

Anyways, I like what you wrote. I think you know so much. When you talk about your situation and your W, emotions come wipe out your brain and make you weak! And then you come post here and I'm like wow, this is obvious. But you've told me the same thing on my thread before! So I know how that feels man. Let me know if you update the blog any more.

[Did]

Thanks for reading. What’s it matter if she sees it? I believe that’s the direction for my future. Maybe I could concentrate on a book and not do the blog... I don’t know the exact direction.

You’re probably right that she will just see me telling her what I want and that I’m done with the separation as preasure. But NC and no support she’ll see as what. A total ahole? I knew I couldn’t trust him? I feel like as who I am I should at least communicate... I don’t respect myself for paying support voluntarily. Are you in or are you out. If you’re out go get the divorce.

Then there’s the fact that NC and ignoring her has actually worked. Counterintuive mindblowing. Duh.... I guess NC. But what about when she asks about her check feb 1? Then have the conversation?

Also w keeps saying stuff like we can help each other recently. I haven’t responded but she just wants this friendly divorce thing I guess. Either way I honestly feel like I’m ready to be done with the separation one way or the other. I guess if I’m truly done I can just do NC except Daughter. Not like what I’ve thought would work ever has. Why is this any different - insanity.

[ovrrnbw]

ut NC and no support she’ll see as what. A total ahole?

NC and no support... well if she wants a divorce does she imagine that you'll pay her for the rest of her life and still be her little buddy forever? I think it's more of you standing up for yourself and doing the right thing. She can and probably should get a job, right? And she just loves throwing it out there that she is cheating.

I don’t respect myself for paying support voluntarily.

Man, I know what you mean. How many things have we done that made us look weak. We aren't weak, so how is it that our cheating spouses make us weak??

If you’re out go get the divorce.

She hasn't done this yet, so I'd say she's not out. Limbo it is. But take advantage of that time as something to make things better.

When she asks for her check Feb 1....hhmmm I think she can figure it out.

[DejaVu6]

Did... the guys are probably going to disagree with me but if you are worried about looking like a jerk, maybe just give her a deadline to start supporting herself. I don’t know if this is something your originally agreed to or what but if it was, was it with the understanding she would find a job and start taking care of her own bills? If so, you should definitely put a time limit on it - especially if it is causing you some financial stress. She is the one who chose to leave, right? Kind of entitled of her to not have a plan that doesn’t involve you paying for everything when she is cheating on you. That is definitely cake eating.

[neffer]

I´ve read the post at your blog Did. Very encouraging. Like Ovr, I´m a much more private person than you are...I share Ovr concerns too...But we know where you stand with your career and whereabouts. Keep that blog growing then.

If you have a goal, don't look at the percentages, just aim for that goal.

So what´s your goal Did?

[SteveLW]

Steve means you don't respond to her at all unless it's in regards to your daughter. Flat out ignore her, except for your daughter. You drop your daughter off as quickly as possible.

Yes, that is what I meant. And I don't even care about the support at this point. I think you should have waited until a court ordered it, but if you want to provide support simply because of D4 I can understand that.

[Ginger1]

Did:

I am confused

I think we have been telling you for quite sometime now to go dark on exW and just communicate about D4 when necessary. No hanging out, making uncesssesary trip. ect. You haven't actually done it all. Maybe for a day.

Then you post about wanting to ask her for coffee. Then you post about saying you want to tell her "I need this to reconcile, else we are getting a divorce" I don't have enough fingers to count on to tell you how many times we have also told you not to do that. Because 1) it's an ultimatum. And do you want her to act on an ultimatum? That won't show real changes she wants to make. That will show her being afraid of losing her support and faking it. Are you seriously ready to follow through on that ultimatum? She knows what you want/need to reconcile. She is choosing not to do it.

You have to stop trying to force the hand. It will not yield the healthy marriage you desire. It will yield a woman who is sitting pretty not working yet getting fully supported just coming back enough to get what she wants.

I would provide support in the way of what would be ordered by the courts. If you aren't ready to pull the D trigger, atleast consult with a lawyer and get an idea of what you would be paying if you were to D. And pay that amount.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. No matter how you word it, you keep doing the same thing and wanting to do the same things hoping it will give you the result you want.

You are doing good with GAL. You just need to drop that rope with the W already. Freedom from her chains.

[Did]

Limited time today. I already talked to an attorney and the $2325/mo would be from 1-1.5 years. The mediator also said she had to work. She has since gotten her license to start working. And she is ready to start earning money. She hasn’t yet but that will start soon... supposedly.

Yea definition of insanity I understand.

I am ready for divorce. It’s not what I want but I only want her if she’s working on being healthy herself and working on a relationship with me. I refuse to have an anchor pulling me down which is how I feel with the separation. Maybe NC is the same as no support and I’m done with separation as I was planning.

I don’t know but I’ll weigh my options and won’t be talking to her while I’m away. Vegas with the boys for lacrosse tournament tomorrow morning. Of course my throats killing me and D4 has been sick as a dog. W is also sick and saying she doesn’t know how she’s going to do it by herself. I’m sick too. The difference is I got out of bed and made breakfast went to store with D4 and got meds and food. Now dropping off to w.

Separation has been 20 months. I don’t think the leeway space works for me anymore. It no longer serves me. Maybe NC would change that. Something needs to change.thanks for support. Will consider what to do while I’m away

[Loves77]

Please do not have ANOTHER convo with her telling her your thoughts. You have done that every month sometimes twice a month. She does not believe you. In fact, none of us do. So please, for your own dignity, don't do it again.

February is here next week and she is waiting to see how you will handle it. That is your timeline. Stick to it.

I know that I differ with some on the monetary arrangement that you have going. I think dropping it down to half would be fair. You will most likely be paying child support and to stop paying after you have been for 20 months will not look well in court. I know you do not want to hurt the welfare of your daughter also.

Have you set a visitation schedule yet? We have all suggested it and you say you will. Trust me, this will help you in more ways than one.

[Did]

Visitation schedule is not possible with my work varying every week. I coach and sell real estate and have a different schedule which changes based on appointments and seasons. I am going to do a google calendar. Unsure if I should do my work schedule on there or just D4 days I can have her.

Maybe I will drop the support from $2325 to $1325 rent or half $1162.50... I will do NC. I will talk to an attorney. Something has to change. Ignoring her has worked in the past I'll go with that.

My feb deadline in MC therapy was discussed that I file for divorce at that time. No its not what I want, but yes I am ready. I am not scared of it.

The convo telling her my thoughts was to make a change. Tell her what I want in a partner. She says anything but I want that too let's try, then Im done, no support. Then comes the change being no support - W go file if you want me to support you. This separation no longer works for me. Or level up with me if you want to be more than just D4s mom in my life. I work fing hard and deserve to be appreciated and valued, I am a dad half the time and work to provide for all of us. Im a role model for kids and inspire people to change....

So yea realistically Im done with leeway. I know that. I have to be true to myself.