Please do not do any relationship ship talk with her. You have been very confident as of late and if youbti g up relationship it will make you look like a lil puppy saying "pick me, pick me!!!!" It also takes away from your feb timeframe that she is very aware of
Guys what do you want me to do. I’m done with the separation we’re getting close to two years. I’m done with leeway. I’ve talked to my Ic about this in depth. Basically she can be in or out. And if out. I’m just done. This conversation is at the feb timetable where I was planning on cutting support to $0. Now after thinking and talking to some of you. I was thinking $1325 just rent instead of $2325.
Now thinking what I’d tell someone else on here. Act like you’re divorced already. Focus on yourself. I’ve already been doing this. She says things about herself I don’t respond. All I talk about is D4.
Honestly guys I’m ready to move on with my life. We were talking about D4 school for next year today we have to decide on kindergarten. And it was a mature productive conversation. During the convo I mentioned I could get a babysitter since I will need one. Because I don’t want to see each other all the time if we aren’t together. She seemed surprised and said what are you going to hate me.
Really with the convo and date it was supposed to be this separation is over I’m done paying so much money. You’re in or out. And if she’s out I go black even more just talk about D4.
I assume your advice will be just go black now. Instead of after the convo.
So what do I do with the lunch / coffee plans? Use it as a date to show we get along and finish kindergarten talk? Cancel? Just don’t ask her out unless she asks me when / where? Explain I want mutual respect and I don’t respect myself paying so much voluntary support.
Thanks all. I have a great life. Yes I really want the marriage and my wife back if she’s full of love for me. I just don’t see that happening so why prolong it. It’s been since June 2017 a long fing time
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
During convo just say I’m done with separation and leave it open ended. Give her $1325. Decide on kindergarten. Go dark?
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did... I’m not 100% sure where you and your W are at because I have read so many sitchs that they are all starting to blend. It seems to me that she isn’t worried too much about losing you nor has she had to live her life like a divorced person. Take care of the business between you (childcare schedule, finances, etc...) and then go as NC as possible. Drop the rope... really drop it. You sound like you are getting to a place where you can do that. You will feel a heck of a lot better once you do. Your W, on the other hand, will not. (((HUGS)))
Did, here is my vote. Go to a good lawyer, file for D, and have her served. It will be pretty clear to her where you stand and you won't have to say a word to her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W texted me asking if I wanted to get lunch or tea tomorrow. Earlier we had said wed. This is two years of my life. I’m not just wasting more time in this sitch. I have had major improvements across the board. If w wants something together great. If not her loss I’m sure life has something better fitting in store for me. Change needs to happen. It’s been too long and I’m done with the repetitive cycle.
I do appreciate your advice and perspectives. I will think about it as if I was advising a friend. Maybe I don’t go through those bullet points. But I’m not going to be her friend if we get divorce as she seems to desire.
Maybe I just say something quickly to alnokwege past mistakes. Say to her you know feb was my timetable what do you want? The separation no longer works for me. Level up with me or don’t. Are you In or out. Ic liked those last two points... then it’s easy to go dark and pay less and I can be the stand up man I want to be communicating. Then I’m not pursuing her as much... Just standing behind my words with feb timetable. I’m not going to overthink it but be confident and let life flow. Rather than trying to control everything.
If I get divorced that’s ok. I’ve tried my best. And I love the man that I am and the man I’m becoming. Thank you.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, if you want her to say she’s in “in” when she really isn’t but she says so because you gave her some verbal ultimatum, then by all means have this conversation.
If you want her to feel pressured by this “deadline “ and have her pretend she’s going to do what you want her to do, then screw you over again, by all means, give her “the speech”
If you want her to really be in, then you get a lawyer, file divorce and if somewhere down the line she starts showing you she is willing to do what it takes by actions, we’ll, I think that would be ideal.
But if you want your M to keep going through this cycle, by al means give her some speech andbultimatum.
And do you really think it’s a good idea to acknowledge past mistakes? Have you not done that over and over?
Doing the same things over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Andbill keep repeating that.
I am more afraid your “Hail Mary “ isn’t going to end in her saying “ok, let’s get a divorce” it’s going to end in a fake promise of reconciliation out of panic. And you’ll believe it. Because if she was honestly interested in “leveling herself up” it wouldn’t be because of threat of no support. It would be because it was a decision she made to truly grow. you are hellbent on doing this because you like many here have thought they can all of a sudden talk their was into wanting to become a healed person and save the M I hope you are very aware of the disasteroua results it might yield.
Did, ever hear the song "Keep Me Hanging On" by The Supremes? It's been covered by countless artists. Go read the lyrics or listen to it. It describes your sitch perfectly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This is why I don't like hard dates/deadlines/ anni dates or w/e you want to call them when it comes to these matters. It's an added stress for many. Anni dates allow us to look back and reflect. They're good for renewal, fresh starting points too. Special days for ourselves or that we shared with our loved ones.
If your spouse does not have some sort of wake up from your anniversary date of when you got married or the first time you met, or kissed or w/e other special moment in your lives, what in the world is going to make her jump on board with your cut off date? Hey, I think that was an unintentional pun. It's the action itself. Forget announcements, if you're rdy to move on, move. if she sees you moving and wants to go in your direction, she will catch up and let you know.
This date setting, why is it important to some when they can have a full tank left? IMO these dates are rather arbitrary. Why is spending two years rebuilding yourself considered a waste of time? If you are not where you need to be emotionally or mentally for the better MR 2.0 or for the next deserving person in your life what does that say? There could be a wasted two years, but that does not put any more meaning into a cut off date than if you were successfully moving forward. Would it make sense if you were recon or piecing to say well I still have this deadline we must beat? So... if the date is to cut your losses, cut them and move on. Sounds like another tactic to goad the other person into something they never bought in to in the first place.
Originally Posted by Did
then it’s easy to go dark and pay less and I can be the stand up man I want to be communicating. Then I’m not pursuing her as much... Just standing behind my words with feb timetable. I’m not going to overthink it but be confident and let life flow. Rather than trying to control everything.
Separation no longer works? But its okay to then go dark? As separated?
Then the phrases that stick out, "not pursuing as much" That's a give. And the "Rather than trying to control everything." Still shows a controlling nature, even if you realize it and pull the reigns, you are saying that after giving an ultimatum, a very controlling gesture.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
^^^ ultimatums are controlling, which is basically what you are giving her. "get yourself healthy so we can be together else I am going to divorce you" What do you honestly expect the outcome to be of that.
Or you can act as you want for the life you choose because you have zero control over what she chooses.
