LBS dealing with WW (part 7) (piecing?)

[Yail]

This sounds understandable. Of course we are all rooting for you - in whatever form you need.

As an outsider reading, the only line I'd point out is the piece where you say,

We don't have much time together during the week and it is difficult to make quality time for us to have heart to hearts.

This seems like something you could change. What you're doing right now isn't working right now, so something has to be altered. Since you don't have much time together, maybe you have to really switch up how you use it. Take an even bigger step back and insist that you both DON'T talk about the R or have those heart-to-heart conversations. Just be in the same place together and talk about hobbies and work. Or focus on some activity that you are sharing, not on each other. It's trickier to have heart-to-heart convos when you're ice skating. Or running together. Or dancing/watching a band. Or watching a movie in theaters.

Would it help? I don't know. I'm just trying to suggest that by changing your dynamic you hopefully don't experience the triggers as much right now.

A letter focusing on you and how you feel is a good way to compose your thoughts.

[sandi2]

We have been arguing a few times a week because I have so many triggers, and she can't understand why the same triggers get me over and over. I think she believes if we talk about it once, then that is enough. Obviously it is not. We don't have much time together during the week and it is difficult to make quality time for us to have heart to hearts.

Is it something that she does that triggers you? Can you give us an example?

What are you needing from her when these triggers hit? Is this when you want to talk about things?

You are right, she doesn't understand why you need to talk about it more than once......and it's probably something she had rather drop the subject. Have you told her what you need from her when these triggers hit you? Don't expect her to just automatically know how to respond.

[Joe2017]

Thanks Yail.

I think one of the things that has been rough was how many triggers exist. Everything from riding in her car (which she shared with OM) to seeing our old furniture at her apartment (which she shared with OM). Hell even my social media suggested OM as a "friend I may know". It is never ending and constant. It makes me want to quit every day.

Every. Day.

It is affecting my life and I feel so alone. I have nobody to talk to about it. Nobody understands at all. Everyone I know is judging me for taking her back and warning me that she's going to cheat again. Not helpful.

I am not doing that great. XW is being supportive but I think she is going to give up before I do.

I don't feel safe. I may never feel safe wtih her again.

[Joe2017]

Sandi,

She doesn't trigger me, but I have intrusive thoughts all the time. She wore a sexy dress for me on a date last weekend and all I could think of was how I saw a picture of her wearing the same dress at a party I know she went to with OM.

One day she wore a winter hat that I know for sure was OMs, because she wore it a year ago when he gave it to her during our D.

She isn't even thinking about these things, because to her they don't matter. Because they're just her things that she owns... She technically is doing nothing wrong.

It's almost everything.

It's so much that if I brought up every trigger, she'd leave me by the end of this week. Lol. So I might as well be prepared to end this. Because it is going to be probably a year before I don't feel this constant anxiety about all this stuff.

[Yail]

Ah, your description of your triggers I understand a bit better now. I was misunderstanding and thinking they were more along the lines of when you were talking about your R. Physical triggers are very real, I totally understand. I had a few of my own - though W removed them from the house when she moved.

I hear what you're saying about having no one to talk to about it. No one has your experience or perspective, and this is squarely between you and XW to tackle. Aside from the typical suggestions of IC I don't know if any specific resources come to mind that I might suggest. If I think of any I'll certainly pass them along.

I'm not sure if I'm hearing you correctly. It sounds like you're feeling that working on R with XW is too hard, and too draining. You want it to work, but you can't find the resources to help you through the processing of what happened. She can't be that resource because she was A) the one who initiated the triggers and B) Doesn't have your perspective as LBS. MC sounds like a potential good resource, but you two aren't in the space of having that committment.

I see your paradox.

What about writing a list of everything that triggers you, as you identify them? Sometimes for me it's helpful to stare something down in writing and realize "It's just a car. It doesn't feel like it. It has some history. But right now a car is just a car.".

[TBSakaJ9]

Why do you guys have to date and spend time together so soon? Has she done any work on herself? Is she in individual therapy? Are you in therapy? Are you guys going to therapy together?

[Joe2017]

Joseph:
I have been and still am in IC. She has committed to going to IC but I know there is no time for her to go because of her job. I am being 100% realistic there, she has a very demanding job and works 10 hour days. I don't know if we can afford MC. My insurance doesn't cover it specifically and we also are no longer married so it's two different insurance plans. I also think she needs IC more than MC. We can't do both, it's just not feasible.

Yail:
Thanks. I have been dealing with each one as they come up very intently. It take serious concentration and when XW sees it she knows something is up, but I can't just talk about it. Like I said, it's frequent, painful, and annoying all at the same time. Working on R with XW is hard. You are right.

Lately I see many character flaws in her now that scare me, like codependency. It makes me wonder why she came back to me at all. I am seriously considering breaking this off simply because I am not comfortable feeling like Plan B, even if I am not actually her back up plan.

[TBSakaJ9]

If you can't afford both then maybe you stop and she starts. I just feels like you are putting the cart before the horse with all of this dating and spending time together. You are not 100% completely healed and I don't think she has done any work on herself.

If you stop and she starts at least you have the board to discuss things with.

[Yail]

If you can't afford both then maybe you stop and she starts. I just feels like you are putting the cart before the horse with all of this dating and spending time together. You are not 100% completely healed and I don't think she has done any work on herself.

If you stop and she starts at least you have the board to discuss things with.

I hear you Joseph9, but I would advicate that Joe2017 not take this approach. If they were both 100% focused on the R, maybe it could be a discussion. But Joe's desire for IC should not be placed below his XW's need for IC. He's gotta take care of himself first. Without two healthy partners, a R is doomed. Joe can only be responsible for being healthy in himself, but is not responsible for making XW healthy. She's got to do that.

Are there therapists that XW can phone/skype into on her lunch break? With a busy schedule, perhaps a therapist who is open to remote meetings might work better for her. I know some offer that service.

[Joe2017]

That's actually a great idea if money were the problem. The problem is not money for her IC, it's the times that counseling is available. She will have to miss work. Lame excuse but also very valid. I'm lucky enough to get counseling as a work benefit.

I realize what the deal is, and it's complex.

1) I may not be able to trust her for a long long time.
2) I live in constant fear of another AP. I never feel safe.
3) She has no comprehension of how deeply her affair eviscerated my mind and spirit.
4) Neither of us have any idea of how long this process will take me, and then her.
5) Try as I like, I am not in control of this healing. Two steps forward and one step back.
6) There are so many triggers. So. Many.
7) Our kids have reservations about us dating due to their own hurt. Yes, my kid has an IC too.
8) XW thinks that I should be able to get over this but she doesn't realize I have PTSD-like symptoms due to her infidelity. She has seen me overcome other traumatic experiences, and I dealt with those just fine. Why is this different?
9) Sometimes I feel like she does not meet my expectations and standards for a potential LTR.
10) ...and much much more!

Man, that's a lot to overcome. Maybe that's why Yail thinks I'm looking at leaving being easier than staying. I don't want to be a walkaway, but quite frankly we aren't married anymore so it would be easy.

Yail:
XW does not really get a lunch break unless it's a company sponsored lunch event.