The part about one word emotionally spinning things out of control
And both sides escalating
I have been guilty of that many times
For many years
It became sadly predictable
So fixing it has been one of my 180s
My advice
Stay as cool and unemotional as possible
Even if she pushes one of your emotional buttons
“He was just a friend”
And you feel like your temp is rising
Stay engaged and just listen to her
If that is not possible
Excuse yourself for a moment
And go outside and scream or something
When you are back to your cool self
Feel free to re engage
Feel free to practice this when with others too
Not just your wife
Who wants to be a man controlled by his emotions
Who makes mountains out of molehills
Not Over
You want to be unflappable
Able to handle any situation
Cool calm and collected
Always in control
Be that Over
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes, Did is quite popular and that would be hard! Look for @cashfiveo
Gordie, great advice. I've been reading lots of old posts and sitches and an old catchphrase is "cool, calm, collected". Like 007 right? Why would I give others power over me and let them pull my strings? I am going to fix this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Read a great Bruce Lee quote, and it reminded me of this mindset I had 10 or 12 years ago.
"You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. If words can control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass".
Weekend was OK. Friday W is a little drunk and got emotional about our whole R. I listened to her. Eventually she was mad that I wasn't going over to comfort her, so I did go to her. Long story short, she doesn't want to live but she says she's not going to do anything harmful to herself.
Saturday she finally said the affair was wrong. Not sure how we got into this convo, but she is ingrained in her lies and the stories she's told since almost a year ago and when that happens it almost seems as if the lies are true. I was scared during the convo, but decided not to let that rule me. I read an old post from Coach saying FEAR stands for false evidence appearing real so I told W I can't be with someone who thinks it's every OK to lie to me or to get involved with another person while married. The bad part was I hung around her too long and did let my temper win a few times.
Sunday went fine. I was making plans with a friend and W decided to do the same until my plans fell through, and she said she wasn't going to see her friend if I wasn't going to see mine. Codependent tendencies maybe...
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
HI Ovrrnbw, your updates sound about as to be expected at this time. It's a tough place to be in because you know the situation hasn't been fully corrected and yet you have a wife who is present and who is willing to go to counseling and semi-admits to her mistakes but not fully. Perhaps things will just keep going as they are until either you or your wife are finally compelled to make a bigger change. Sounds like you're thinking and you're able to keep re-calibrating your thoughts. I'm sure eventually you'll figure this out and life will be good again. You've been a great help to everyone else here!
Hold strong, buddy. You got this. Keep that firm boundary around yourself! You don't need to be in a codependent relationship anymore. You can make that choice and say no more. Remember it's not your job to comfort her or clean up her messes. And she will respect you more if you don't rescue her. You are strong on your own 2 feet.
No more mr nice guy!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
My W wanted to talk about going back to a joint checking account. She says it's not fair that I make more money than her. OK.
But she hasn't been wearing her ring for several days the last 2 weeks. She says it doesn't feel like a real marriage bc of all the crap, but mainly bc how I treated her. And I saw today she has snap chat again so I told that makes me mad bc she said she'd get rid of it to help rebuild trust. Those were 2 of my boundaries when she came back again on Christmas. So I got out of bed and told her I can't comfort her anymore. So tired of this game.
She wants a full commitment from me without a full commitment from her.
I'm going out with friends tonight.
Not really emotionally wound up anymore. I'm about out of gas for this woman. And if we get divorced I don't even care b/c I'm going to be making good money, I'm good looking, in better shape that 99% of men my age. I can find someone and I have learned so much about who I am and what I want that I know I can do better than this crap.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
And I saw today she has snap chat again so I told that makes me mad bc she said she'd get rid of it to help rebuild trust. Those were 2 of my boundaries when she came back again on Christmas. So I got out of bed and told her I can't comfort her anymore. So tired of this game.
Violating your boundary is why you are mad, not because she has snap chat. Perhaps stating that violating boundaries that you set is unacceptable and then getting up and leaving. This may help her understand that failure to respect your boundaries(no matter what they are) will have undesired consequences, vice just the act of having snap chat will have negative consequences.
I am reading a book on being co dependent no more, it has really good stuff about emotional detachment and boundaries. It's helping identify behaviors I do that caused me to be dependent upon my W for everything emotional or social. It's good stuff.
Keep a level head brother.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
sorry to hear she is still playing those games. Get out and enjoy life. You have a lot going for you. Be careful drinking though, just saying. Hope to hear some good things about you and nothing about her for a while. What kind of stuff can you get into this weekend for fun?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
