Sounds like a tough couple of days. For what it's worth, I think you handled it well.
I have to say your W sounds like she is trying to act honourably. It is strange, I can't remember what it was like initially for the two of you, but my H was a complete so and so. I remember the cold anger in his eyes. To him I was barely human. It changed once he MO, it was like he was trying to do the right thing by me now that he had left. I think your W is the same. They won't admit what they did/are doing is hurting us, so they do the next best thing which is try and be nice. You are handing it better than I though. I don't mean his kindness gives me hope - I know better than to have expectations. But it does remind me of the love we once had for one another.
I remember you saying communication is a problem the two of you. Your W is not a "words" person and, just from the length and quality of your posts, well, you are. You called it "too many words" in her eyes. In my experience one of the reasons people go silent is because they feel like they are not being heard. Read your entry above. There is communication. Good, honest communication. Maybe not proclamations of love, but good communication between two people who care about one another. This is because of a change in you. Your validation (in my opinion) is spot to. It is Ok to tell her her actions make you angry. There was no pursuit in that statement. There was no expectation that she would change her mind. Just a calm statement of fact ... "I respect how you feel but it makes me angry". The only thing I perhaps would change is turning that "but" into an "and" ... a small change maybe, but I think truer.
You respect how she feels and you are angry about it. Both these statements are valid.
I like your stance on the child maintenance too. Your reasons are honourable and your children will respect you more for it when they are older. I think your W will too. I think she probably respects you for it now. It does sound like you are in a good place with her - irrespective of how this turns out, your W will respect you more than when this started. Respect is a good foundation for a relationship - whether that be a co-parenting one, or MR 2.0.
RE the temp checks - I think the position here is to not engage until they articulate and show (over time) a real commitment to the R.
Your doing great Adam.
I'm sorry about the diet. Not sure if you've engaged a personal trainer, but they normally recommend a diet to go along with your routine, body type and life style. If you haven't got one, then look up a google a guy called Joe Wicks who has published books on cooking and exercising for people trying to lose weight and gain lean muscle. The recipes are single serving so perfect and not too difficult and the exercises are 15 mins daily. My H follows it. I do the recipes, but as am more into Yoga haven't tried the exercises.
W said we could do 50/50 on paper so I wouldn't pay. She even said if we did 50/50 she's be paying me, and I told her I didn't want that and I don't want to shuffle the kids between us at this age.
Adam, it's time for some truth darts my man. FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS. You have two sons, 6 and 11? They need their dad right now far more than they need their mom. Let me tell you how this is going to play out if you let your W have the kids full time. You see them a couple of days every other weekend. Your W moves OM in (of course right now she will tell you she doesn't want to date and never sees getting married again and blah blah blah whatever it takes to keep you compliant) and guess who wants to be their "dad" now, yes the dude that's around them 12 days out of 14. How do you think that will make you feel? You're living in some crap apartment by yourself while your W is living it up in a nice place with the kids and OM, basically she expelled you from the family and replaced you. You should be fighting for AT LEAST a 50-50 visitation as well as 50-50 split of everything else.
Please understand this- YOU CANNOT APPEASE YOUR W INTO COMING BACK. Don't think that if you are gentle and let her have her way in S and D that it will earn you any brownie points, it absolutely will not. In fact more often than not it makes the WAS have even LESS respect for the LBS. She sees him being a wimpy pushover instead of manning up and fighting for his rights.
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I want them in one home.
Great, then fight for 100% custody!! MAN UP. Look I know this is tough, but you've got to dig deep and do right by your sons. They need you now more than ever.
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I also told her that I get what she is trying to do for me, but I was not going to lie to get ahead and I have no issues paying to help take care of my boys. She said she didn't want to see me settle for a crappy place somewhere. I was quiet. She said maybe if we wrote in the decree that she didn't want the child support it would help. I told her I don't think that would work but we'll figure it out when we get to that point.
If she's offering you more than half or more than you think you deserve out of some sense of guilt then TAKE IT. Again, you cannot "nice" her back. If you just roll over and let her have everything then in the end you are only hurting your boys and yourself. Take whatever you can get and make as good a life as possible for your boys.
Adam you are doing it right. Everything you are mentioning is about your kids. That is what will be remembered by them, get as much time as you can and even if you re not ordered to pay support you know you will pay your share.
I never liked keto for that reason...especially in stressful times. I have not dieted during my current 8-9 month ordeal....I found it hard to manage all of the diet rules. I have concentrated on exercising....much more satisfying for me to get the blood and muscles pumping to raise my self esteem.
I have dieted with with whole 30, paleo, some keto but in the end have found, more protein, less carbs, balanced diet works just fine. As long as I exercise regularly, I can cheat 2 days within reason and that keeps me in line the other 5 days.
Hang in there buddy!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Adam, it's time for some truth darts my man. FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS. You have two sons, 6 and 11? They need their dad right now far more than they need their mom.
This is the best advise you have ever received. Ignore every other piece of advise you have ever been given before you ignore this one.
What is best for your kids is best for you.
Your relationship with your kids is the most important thing. Do not let anyone take this away from you.
You can handle it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Back in 08 when I was going through my sitch, my kids were: S9 S7 D5
I fought for 50/50 parenting. Nothing else mattered.
Now: S19 S18 D16
S19 is off in college, other two are still on 50/50 parenting scheduled.
I also live full time with my lady and D16. Bio Dad is out of state. I do all the dad things for her. I got to enjoy teaching her to ride a bike, drive a car.......
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
FS and AS, thank you for the support and different perspectives on my sitch.
AS you said it with digging deep and doing right by them even if it will be tough. I had been thinking about this and there is no arguing against that. At work and have a small window of time to reply but I wanted to comment on this really fast.
I will need a lot of guidance in the upcoming months and find a lawyer who will go to bat for me. This one I spoke to won't be it. It'll mean also moving closer to where they are moving to and Also staying in this house until the move.
I wasn't doing it to appease her. I think it's going by feelings, which can change when the reality kicks in.
Hit me with the truth darts. I need all of them. Working on my emotional control and state is a small part of this, when a large part of the D has to also be focus on the kids. Let's speak on that...
Please give your input, will need it here the most regarding the kids. Thank you.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
At Home now after having the Talk with the W and she left a bit emotional to have dinner with her sisters. Kids are at home with me, S6 said he wanted to have a guy's night out. So pizza party it is.
I want to start by saying I also had another talk with S11 about what I wanted and to explain what was going on, because he may have overheard W and I talking. I told him I was going to move closer to their new house and I wanted to spend more days than I thought I was going to be able to with him and S6. We were eating dinner together and I kept it brief as possible and asked him how he felt about it. As soon as I said more days, his face lit up.
FS,
I hope W and I will continue to amicable. That may change. There was definitely a shift in her attitude. I'm trying to mentally prepare for it. Be respectful, be short, and to the point.
Thank you for the encouraging words.
I feel like this is only the beginning.
It feels like I am walking a tightrope high in a cloud on a windy day.
Even though I said I wanted my boys to be in one home, I believe that home should be with both parents. I was trying to do the honorable thing thinking W would give them a better life. The thing is that it never sat right and even after a few days of thinking about it, I don't like it. More time with the boys is definitely worth fighting for.
Lost, I'm reluctant to say anything about my state of mind when it comes to W. I know I am not detached as I should be, but I am trying to live a better, healthier life thinking more about me and what is required of me as a Man, Husband, and most importantly as a Father. I don't have all the answers and I have to be open to listening and learning, being honest with my intentions. If I'm coming from a good place, and am heading for better, I can make the adjustments based on the advice I get and still be on track.
I am eating oatmeal every day now with my turkey and eggs for breakfast. I skip lunch and eat something light for dinner like a salad and grilled chicken. I'm thinking about changing that up and doing a more balanced diet and I started upping my gym routine.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
At Home now after having the Talk with the W and she left a bit emotional to have dinner with her sisters. Kids are at home with me, S6 said he wanted to have a guy's night out. So pizza party it is.
I want to start by saying I also had another talk with S11 about what I wanted and to explain what was going on, because he may have overheard W and I talking. I told him I was going to move closer to their new house and I wanted to spend more days than I thought I was going to be able to with him and S6. We were eating dinner together and I kept it brief as possible and asked him how he felt about it. As soon as I said more days, his face lit up.
FS,
I hope W and I will continue to amicable. That may change. There was definitely a shift in her attitude. I'm trying to mentally prepare for it. Be respectful, be short, and to the point.
Thank you for the encouraging words.
I feel like this is only the beginning.
It feels like I am walking a tightrope high in a cloud on a windy day.
Even though I said I wanted my boys to be in one home, I believe that home should be with both parents. I was trying to do the honorable thing thinking W would give them a better life. The thing is that it never sat right and even after a few days of thinking about it, I don't like it. More time with the boys is definitely worth fighting for.
Lost, I'm reluctant to say anything about my state of mind when it comes to W. I know I am not detached as I should be, but I am trying to live a better, healthier life thinking more about me and what is required of me as a Man, Husband, and most importantly as a Father. I don't have all the answers and I have to be open to listening and learning, being honest with my intentions. If I'm coming from a good place, and am heading for better, I can make the adjustments based on the advice I get and still be on track.
I am eating oatmeal every day now with my turkey and eggs for breakfast. I skip lunch and eat something light for dinner like a salad and grilled chicken. I'm thinking about changing that up and doing a more balanced diet and I started upping my gym routine.
Eat that oatmeal haha. I ate oatmeal everyday for almost 2 years straight during my weight loss journey. I would buy rolled oats in bulk from the health store and cook them up and put peanut butter in them, dab of honey. I wouldn't eat instant oats. Then i switched over to just eggs as oatmeal had run its course . Are you counting your macros?
