Need help with WAW

[RVA18]

My parents know she has been living with her parents. I don't think anyone knows the details regarding OM from work. I haven't told my parents about that, as I want to keep those details between my W and I, if possible. I do that mostly for my own sanity because I don't feel like discussing it with them. I also don't want things to be awkward if we do recon in the future. I know it sounds like I'm protecting her from her choices, but at the end of the day she is the mother of my children and I don't want to speak ill of her to others.

[Ready2Change]

I've made dealing with my anger my number one priority right now.

Read this post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


I am not sure where I read about expressing feelings but here is an example that I sent to my W:

W- I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you. I feel embarrassed about the way I expressed my anger yesterday. I feel ashamed that I let my anger escalate to a point that exposed our kids to our situation before we intended. I understand your desire to get the process started. I am afraid you were skipping several key steps in the process that are critical to maintaining a friendly relationship. I understand that you believe hiring a lawyer is the proper action. I want this process to be as painless as possible. Each of us retaining a lawyer will be the most painful. If we need a mediator, I prefer that we both go together to find one. - H

General template:

I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you
I feel embarrassed...
I feel angry...
I feel ashamed...
I am afraid....


You can find "feeling wheels". I use the word "frustrated" most of the time for the different levels of anger.

I have used it in conjunction with the boundaries template very effectively.

[Ready2Change]

My parents know she has been living with her parents. I don't think anyone knows the details regarding OM from work. I haven't told my parents about that, as I want to keep those details between my W and I, if possible. I do that mostly for my own sanity because I don't feel like discussing it with them. I also don't want things to be awkward if we do recon in the future. I know it sounds like I'm protecting her from her choices, but at the end of the day she is the mother of my children and I don't want to speak ill of her to others.

I would think it would be awkward pretending like things are fine when they are not. But that is just me.

[RVA18]

Well yesterday at my mom's house for the Super Bowl went well. The boys had a great time and it was nice to hangout with everyone. W and I chatted a bit, nothing important just chit chat.

A couple of things I noticed yesterday:
1) She kept asking me if something was wrong with me. I was in a great mood yesterday, I just didn't follow her around the house like I had been and I generally just acted aloof. I was engaged with her when she wanted to talk, but didn't try to keep the conversation going. She clearly didn't like it because she asked several times what was bothering me.

2) She kept trying to find reasons to touch me, which was strange because she hasn't done that in months. I'm not reading anything into, I just thought it was odd.

This was the first time we have hung out together in about a month and also the first time since I have gone limited contact with her. I will say our interactions were completely different than they had been in the last few months. It also felt different for me too. When were together on Christmas, internally I was very emotional because I just kept thinking about losing our little family. Now I just enjoy the time we have together and don't think about the future.

Another thing I found odd was she was making future plans with my step-sister. W asked my step-sister if she wanted my W to help move her into college in the fall. I don't understand what she is thinking. At that point we will be almost a year from BD. I know I'm mind reading here, but I believe she thinks everything will stay the same if we D. I haven't talked to her about that, but in no way will anything be the same with her and my family if we D. I think she thinks we will still do things like Sunday all the time even after D.

[AnotherStander]

A couple of things I noticed yesterday:

I know it's really tempting to monitor her for the results of your DB'ing but please try to refrain. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Early on when you start DB'ing she will wonder why you are acting different, but it doesn't mean she's changed her mind or that things are getting better. They won't, not for a long time. It's going to take many months or even a year or more before she might start to turn around, so try and be patient.

She clearly didn't like it because she asked several times what was bothering me.

Also try not to mind-read. You have no idea what she's thinking and you can't hope to.

2) She kept trying to find reasons to touch me, which was strange because she hasn't done that in months. I'm not reading anything into, I just thought it was odd.

When you pull back and remove all pressure then often they will do things like this, it's kind of a temperature check. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Another thing I found odd was she was making future plans with my step-sister. W asked my step-sister if she wanted my W to help move her into college in the fall. I don't understand what she is thinking. At that point we will be almost a year from BD. I know I'm mind reading here, but I believe she thinks everything will stay the same if we D.

You are probably right about that. She's still full-tilt towards ending things, but she thinks she'll still be able to cake-eat and do family stuff when she feels like it. And actually it's not odd at all, it's very common for WAS's to say stuff like this.

[ovrrnbw]

2) She kept trying to find reasons to touch me, which was strange because she hasn't done that in months. I'm not reading anything into, I just thought it was odd.

Seems like a charade to me, since yall were in front of family.

I don't understand what she is thinking.

Nobody does, not even your W.

If your W thinks you will be her friends in your folks will be her buddies too, next time it's brought up you can make that clear, just do it in a nice way.

[RVA18]

Been a tough weekend for me. This was the first weekend without the boys where I didn't have any plans. The time alone has been good and bad. It's been nice to just enjoy some quiet time to myself, but it's also given me time to sit and ruminate on things. Things had actually been going well for me on the emotional front but this weekend I've been very emotional about my sitch.

I've been working on detaching and feel like I was doing a pretty good job until this weekend. I've been thinking about W a lot. I have been limiting my contact with her over the last month. It's helped me move toward detachment but every once in a while I get sad because to me it feels like she doesn't care that I'm not contacting her. These thoughts don't occupy a lot of my time but they do creep in every once in a while. I will chalk most of this up to having a free weekend. I notice when I have things to do my mind stays off my W and our sitch.

I learned earlier this week that W has been attending a Divorcecare group at the church she attends with her parents. It sounds like a group that helps both divorced and separated people with an emphasis on reconciliation. She said it's 15 weeks with meetings once a week. I haven't talked to her about the details of the group because she said she wanted it to just be her thing. I know people around here say not to focus on W, but I'm glad she is doing something to work on herself. She also told me she is going to start IC next week. This is something she should have been doing for a while because she had been saying she doesn't have a chance to deal with her emotions related to our sitch because she either has the kids or she's with her parents since she's living with them.

[ovrrnbw]

You have to get busy and occupy your mind. I built a grill table, do housework, go out with buddies, gym, sports.

Don't worry about what W is doing. You don't know what her intentions are or why she is really there. I would not bring up that group, it will add pressure to her. Just be happy she is possibly trying to improve.

[Lost808]

Don't worry about getting emotional. It'll come and go. My MC compared emotions during this time like riding a board on an ocean wave, they go up and down. And then eventually, we get off the wave all together.

[Ready2Change]

Hi RVA,

Every free minute you have, work on your personal growth. Work on being attractive. Alpha male stuff. Listening skills. Communication skills. Relationship skills. Social skills.


Take care of things. Turn on some good music. Make your Bedroom awesome. Go shoping for new clothes. You don't have to buy any. Get fitted with new suit. know your size. Wait for it to go on sale.