Harvey, sounds like you are doing well considering how quickly things went. Waiting a bit to date is probably for the best, like you said you could use a little time to recover from the D first. Nice to know you'll have plenty of options when you are ready though!
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I think my girls will be alright--primarily because my XW and I are both handling this properly. There has been little animosity and none in front of the girls.
It is the same with my ex and me. We both were very sensitive to minimizing the impact on the kids, and I think we did pretty well, I think the kids had less trouble adjusting then we did (or me anyway). We continued to sit together when we went to the kids' performances and sporting events, and we continued to have joint bday parties for the kids. We both were/ are dating, but we never brought OP's to these get-togethers because we didn't want it to be awkward for the kids. Some WAS's are just completely off the rails so this clearly doesn't work for everyone, but I am all for it when possible because when the kids see that their parents are willing to come together for them despite their own differences then it really let's them know that they are loved.
Post-divorce my focus has been on making my 180s permanent. I'm going to document my 180s, so that they are here for me to read.
1) Physical attractiveness - My goal was to continue my diet and exercise and remain under a target weight. I have met this goal. I also wanted to look my best as much as I could. I still regularly shave and dress nicer than I did pre-BD (don't wear hoodies much anymore).
2) Emotional attractiveness - I think I'm doing pretty well here. I wanted to regain my swagger. Be a little more confident, playful, and sarcastic. Be more like the guy I was pre-marriage. I'm still working on this. Divorce hurts the ego and confidence, but I'm realizing that I'm a catch for a lot of girls.
3) Faith - I attend church as much as possible and I joined a Life Group at church. I couldn't find a serving Life Group though, so I attended my first Life Group for divorcees tonight. I have not done Bible Study every night though. I really want to focus on that.
4) Volunteer work - I continue to volunteer when I can--although I have been out of town a lot recently.
5) Fatherhood - I'm still fully invested in my girls.
6) Procrastination - I'm doing really well here. When something needs to get done, I do it.
7) Listening - I was a good listener before/when I met my XW. Towards the end of my marriage, I had checked out. When my wife would rant, I would tune her out. I've really tried to concentrate on listening to people I talk to--whether that's with family/friends or co-workers. I need to continue working on this. I need to continue learning how to validate properly.
8) NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) - I need to continue working on not being so defensive. I'm doing better with not caring what others think and concentrating on my wants and needs (in a good way).
9) GAL - I'm really enjoying all of the GAL activities I've been involved with. I have continued to talk to at least one family member or friend every day. I have not really branched out in my effort to become a better cook. I do some cooking, but it's mostly food that I'm comfortable making already.
Writing down goals is a good idea. It helps you remember them, revisit them, and writing stuff down just wires your brian and motivates you. Awesome. Hope you're doing well Harvey.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thought I'd drop in and just say hi. I read this when you first posted it and wanted to respond then and say how well articulated your goals are. They show an excellent understanding of where you are and where you want to be. Well done.
Hope your girls are doing well. Feb's their birthdays and when you were planning to spend some time with them, right ?
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I too need to learn how to validate properly. I try, but it always ends up sounding like preaching.
It's been awhile. Nothing much has changed. One house sold. One more to go. It will be a huge burden lifted when the second house sells. Then, I can move on with my new life -- without the stress. I only have a few weeks to pack my stuff up and move it into temporary storage.
I spent the last two weeks with my daughters. I really enjoyed my time with them. Older daughter did well at her gymnastics meet. Younger daughter is really into football cards. Now, it's back to missing them. The worst feeling in the world comes when I have to say goodbye to them. That's the big pain point to this whole ordeal. Alone time is alright once in awhile, but not seeing them 50% of the time is a gut punch. I will see them again next week.
In early April I'll take the girls to Pensacola Beach over Spring Break. I planned a trip back home this weekend, but I had to cancel that because I'll be packing. I also had a trip planned to Las Vegas in April, but I may cancel that due to financial strain right now. The double mortgage gets expensive.
Nothing much has changed with my interaction with XW. It's pretty non-existent -- which is fine. I interacted with her for a day because of older daughter's gymnastics meet. We drove together. At times she was her overbearing self, but I do miss her. She's engaging, intelligent, and beautiful. She's settled into a super nice mode for the most part. She even apologized for not putting gas in my vehicle. (I use her vehicle when I'm down there and she uses mine when she's up here.) I don't think she's filled my tank yet (which is understandable because she's usually rushing to the airport from a long distance), but this is the first time she acknowledged it.
I'm still interacting with the gal I met on an online dating site. We plan on hooking up when I move my stuff to my new location. She seems nice and cute -- although I worry that she may be a bit "curvier" than her profile pics. It's hard to tell and I've been told not to trust profile pics. It's less important to me than in the past though. I had a hot wife, but what good did that do me. I think I'd rather settle for somebody who thinks I"m a catch. I want somebody's whose beauty is not a mile wide and an inch deep.
The advice here is solid. Still GALing, detaching, 180ing. However, it's best to completely lose the expectations. If you don't save your marriage, you'll at least save yourself.
That is a great update! Lots of focus on your kids, your future, and even the other gal! Dropping the rope really feels good, doesn't it? I remember reading your thread about giving up hope right around the time that I was shaking free from my attachment to the W, and it really resonated with me. It's really sounds like you are in a good place.
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I'm still interacting with the gal I met on an online dating site. We plan on hooking up when I move my stuff to my new location. She seems nice and cute -- although I worry that she may be a bit "curvier" than her profile pics. It's hard to tell and I've been told not to trust profile pics. It's less important to me than in the past though. I had a hot wife, but what good did that do me. I think I'd rather settle for somebody who thinks I"m a catch. I want somebody's whose beauty is not a mile wide and an inch deep.
Definitely don't trust profile pics. Ever. Everyone wants to put out their best side, and it might just be flattering angles, but it could also be pics that are years old. Even as a guy, I try to put out the pics that show me in the best light. It's just human nature. You learn more in 5 seconds of face-to-face time than from all the pics in the world.
I'm really interested in your deeper point about seeking out inner beauty as much as outer. I think it is something that I struggle with. My W is/was very thin and attractive in an angular way, with dark eyes and dark hair. That has always been the look that most appealed to me. She is/was also always a deeply sensitive, caring, athletic, funny and quite intelligent woman (I still believe this post BD). Quite frankly I thought she was out of my league. The women that I have dated recently have generally not fit that same mold physically (it is harder at 40 than at 30!). I have had no trouble finding women who have those personality traits which I am looking for, but it is hard to reconcile myself to the physical differences. Then I feel shallow for even caring about such things.
I am currently seeing a woman who has a PhD, is a college professor, is warm, funny, shares many interests and viewpoints with me, and thinks that I am a catch. I am physically attracted to her, there is chemistry, but at the same time it feels like something isn't totally there. I think that I have this idea in my head that she doesn't match up to - not necessarily my W, but a physical ideal. Ultimately, that shouldn't matter, but I struggle to release myself from it. I think it is something that I need to let go of in order to move forward, but I'm not sure how.
(Sorry if that is a bit of a hijack of your post)
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I'm really interested in your deeper point about seeking out inner beauty as much as outer. I think it is something that I struggle with. My W is/was very thin and attractive in an angular way, with dark eyes and dark hair. That has always been the look that most appealed to me. She is/was also always a deeply sensitive, caring, athletic, funny and quite intelligent woman (I still believe this post BD). Quite frankly I thought she was out of my league. The women that I have dated recently have generally not fit that same mold physically (it is harder at 40 than at 30!). I have had no trouble finding women who have those personality traits which I am looking for, but it is hard to reconcile myself to the physical differences. Then I feel shallow for even caring about such things.
Let's be honest, the first thing a man looks for is physical attraction. After going through what I have, I'm good with having a woman who is "attractive enough." The woman will still have to be physical attractive to me, but I know how important the other things are now. My type is blonde hair, blue eyes, with a bit of curves. My XW is beautiful, blonde hair, blue eye, tall, great body, etc. I think I'm relatively handsome, but I felt like I married up in the looks department. However, maybe that kept me from being the alpha male that I was in previous relationships. She basically had me on a string. I'm not the jealous type, but maybe I was intimated by her looks.
Since my last update, I've been home packing. I've regressed emotionally, but I think it's understandable considering it brings back memories of happier times. I've been mostly alone -- although my cousin's husband (great guy, like a brother to me) stayed the weekend and helped me move some things to temporary storage. Thank God for his presence. Just something that I feel like God has laid on my heart. That is to be classy. My XW is a great person (despite having faults -- which we all do). I will always love her dearly. Making the choice to take the high road actually really helps me. I think I'll be able to look back at this time and know that I kept my integrity. I melted down a few months into DB and argued with XW, but overall I'm proud of the way I've handled this.
Nothing new on the dating front. I'm in the mindset that if it works out, okay. If not, I'm happy alone too. It feels good not to feel desperate for the next woman's love.
That is what DBing is all about. Being able to hold your head high at the end of it, no matter how it turns out. Hang in there harvey, you have bright things ahead of you do to all your hard work!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
as I look back on my dating periods, I was so happy and enjoying life that I didn't have to try to attract women. I went out and had fun and they came to me. People who are desperate usually show it and it doesn't work out so well. Since you are comfortable with yourself, now start doing tons of things that bring you enjoyment and the women will follow.
As for maintaining your integrity and taking the high road, I think that speaks truckloads about your character. Good for you man. And having a buddy stay with you and help you like that is awesome. You see, there are people out there who appreciate who you are, and you'll be just fine.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
