13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[LH19]

Cake eating / family time - I have a hope, that when me and her both have new partners in our lives, we will be able to do things together still for the sake of the kids. Because in the end of the day, we are still their parents, and that is my most important job in this world. I would hate it, if we were gonna end up being people who can't cooperate and do things together on occasion for the kids sake

H, that is something for down the road and most likely will only be Birthdays and Christmas. Are you really going to want to do things with OM being there?

She texted me just now asking "Hi :), if the kids end up being sick on monday, can I then call you, so you can come pick them up? I have a very important meeting at work".

I replied: "Hi. I understand that your meeting must be important, but I am not able to take the kids. I am sure you will figure something out."

That's a perfect response. You are getting there. Be patient. There will be time to play happy broken family in the future.

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit:

So, weekend is coming to an end, and all in all, its been a good one of its kind. Today I woke to two texts from my ex, who told me that s1 had a fever and D5 had a stomach ache, and it was between the lines, that it would be cool if I could come and help. I texted the following: "I can see how it must take its toll with two sick kids, I do hope they feel better very soon. You will figure it out im sure."

So heres the deal I guess, from my perspective: I feel bettered, I feel stronger, and then I dont, but when I dont, it doesn't last very long before I am strong and better again. I have come to terms with the fact, that she didn't want me anymore, and she needed more in life apparently. So I am just gonna let her have that, and not stand in her way .

An hour later, kids were apparently fine she texted, and she took them swimming. Did not respond anymore. I went to play a round of golf with some mates, and my phone battery died, which I didn't mind at all (nothing to disturb me on the course). When I arrived at my parents place, I had five pictures, two texts and a missed call from my ex. The texts were about what the kids had experienced today, and the pictures were of the kids enjoying their day. I wrote "Hi. You called me earlier? Was it important?"

She texted, that D5 wanted to talk, so I called her up and told her thanks for the pictures of my kids, and if I could speak with d5. D5 told me about their great day, and in the past week, when I talk with my kids, my ex has begun having it on speaker so she can be part of the conversation. I haven't mentioned anything <-- its not like we are having secrets and I dont want to mindread into it. Is it NGS to tell her not to listen in? or is it trying for an reaction to even make a remark about it? dont know the answer to that...

So I told my ex if we could talk without speakers on <--- backstory: for the past 7 months, while she has been out living life, I have been taking my kids to gymnastics on tuesdays, and tuesday is also my visit day when I am not with the kids, so I can take them to said gym. However, she wants me to come by on wednesday instead, because now gymnastics is really important to her, and yes..... no fkn joke.... she wants me to come wednesday so she can go workout while I sit the kids...... I told her: "I understand completely that working out makes you happy, and it is important for you, however, I will not change my visit day, and I will be coming tuesday. I makes me really happy to go to gymnastics with the kids, and I have been for the past 7 months, so I will continue that - I hope you understand my point of view".

She understood, however started out by saying we had only been out of IHS for 3 weeks, and didn't see the problem (I replied that prior to that, I had still been the one who went to gymnastics every tuesday while she did other things) <-- she saw reason with that argument, and let it be. She said that it was really important to her to attend gymnastics. I said she was welcome to join us, and she said she was going to that then, and then she would also come and be part of gymnastics when I have the kids (basically changing the day she is coming by). I said, the kids would love for her to be part of it. I then ended the conversation, by telling that I had to go now.


So rather lengthy text. I tried to be civil to the point, where I could see my NGS behavior becoming a problem, and then I said stop. I dont know if I should had handled it in another way.

Hurt is doing his best to be civil but not a toy to throw around.. Those days are over.

[ovrrnbw]

I think you are doing just fine.

So heres the deal I guess, from my perspective: I feel bettered, I feel stronger, and then I dont, but when I dont, it doesn't last very long before I am strong and better again.

You are armed with knowledge and you are doing very well.

You don't have to change your schedule to cater to her wants, and I'm glad you know that.

I see nothing wrong with wanting to talk to your kids but not her. She wanted a divorce right?

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So time flies, and its been 4 days since my last journal entry. I guess, it is because I most of the time feel really good, have a busy schedule, and I take that as a positive sign for my healing.

So what has happened: I am still receiving an increasing amount of texts from WW on a daily basis. Most of them are regarding kids experiences when I am not with them. I do not respond to these texts, not because I dont appreciate the information about my kids, but because they are not questions, just facts.

I have caught up all my work, that I led slide in the aftermath of this whole mess, and that is a real nice feeling, not having any stressing elements regarding work deadlines hanging around.

I struggle from time to time with a bit of mind reading, but nothing compared to what I did, and I try to engage in activities that snaps me out of it, whenever it comes over me. Its getting easier by the day, and I am not saying it is easy you all know its not, but it gets better and better.

I went home yesterday, to take my kids to gymnastics, and WW wanted to come, so she did. The kids loved it, and I just had a blast with them. WW tries to engage in fun conversation, and threw softballs at me and stuff, I am struggling a bit with two things here, which show I got work to do:

1. She is welcome to join us, and I was happy and enjoyed me time with the kids, however I felt her presence there as a disturbance. She just looks like "so I ended it, im with another man, and yea, lets have fun and be best buddies,". Im not about that. I just shrug it off, and knew that it ment the world to the kids, and it was only 2 hours of my tuesday, so it was fine.

2. She is acting VERY kind, and is basically trying to be the person she was when we were in a R. I dont quite get it, and I look at her actions, and they tell a completely other story. Example: So for 95 % of the time yesterday, she ran around after me, trying to strike up conversation, and joke like we used to. Then we are setting up an activity course for the kids, and she is beside me, helping out with the materials. I do as told by the instructor, but I turn one of the materials 180 degrees to the wrong side, and with no warning, WW just hiss at me in a low pitch voice, and says, "Hurt, its all wrong! turn it around!" <-- That shows me, that behind the nice and friendly exterior, is a person who has a lot of resentment, because there are more examples, where I try my best but do something she does not agree with or I do something another way then she expected me to, and she flips like a switch.

Its my best guess that this is because of some hate she has build up? am I right here?

Anyways, gym was fine, and I am fine. Got IC session in an hour, followed by 2 hours at the gym, then a coffee at my sisters place and then a movie tonight... who talked about GAL? .

I would say about my self: On my best days, I think about this past life very little. I can think about my kids now, but not in the context of what was, but in the context in what is, and that is nice. My WW seems genuinely happy about where she is, and that, I won't ruin by being an ass. I got my life, she now has hers, and she has no intentions of seeing me again as a romantic partner, thats very clear I feel with the way she threats me so nice, speaks in a soft voice, and then boom flips like a crazy person, so onwards, upwards and ahoy - better adventures await, but for now, I focus on bettering myself, so I can be the best version of, well me, when I meet that special someone.

/Hurt..

[ovrrnbw]

Just point blank tell her you won't be her friend. It seems like she isn't understanding, or doesn't want to understand, you showing her that you won't be her friend. You're there for your kids who are your world. I'd even say that to let her know what's important to you and it's not her.

Don't let her talk to you like that either.

[AnotherStander]

Just point blank tell her you won't be her friend. It seems like she isn't understanding, or doesn't want to understand, you showing her that you won't be her friend. You're there for your kids who are your world. I'd even say that to let her know what's important to you and it's not her.

Don't let her talk to you like that either.

^^^THIS^^^ Tell her you don't mind her going to the kids' events at the same time as you, but that you're both there for the kids, not for each other.

[LH19]

1. She is welcome to join us, and I was happy and enjoyed me time with the kids, however I felt her presence there as a disturbance. She just looks like "so I ended it, im with another man, and yea, lets have fun and be best buddies,". Im not about that. I just shrug it off, and knew that it ment the world to the kids, and it was only 2 hours of my tuesday, so it was fine.

Ok so you start out by saying she is welcome to join us and then you say her presence is a disturbance and then you end it with well it's only 2 hours so it's fine. Why is she welcomed to join you if it is a disturbance for you?

2. She is acting VERY kind, and is basically trying to be the person she was when we were in a R. I dont quite get it, and I look at her actions, and they tell a completely other story. Example: So for 95 % of the time yesterday, she ran around after me, trying to strike up conversation, and joke like we used to. Then we are setting up an activity course for the kids, and she is beside me, helping out with the materials. I do as told by the instructor, but I turn one of the materials 180 degrees to the wrong side, and with no warning, WW just hiss at me in a low pitch voice, and says, "Hurt, its all wrong! turn it around!" <--

You have to make it clear that she is not to talk to you like that. Ever!

That shows me, that behind the nice and friendly exterior, is a person who has a lot of resentment, because there are more examples, where I try my best but do something she does not agree with or I do something another way then she expected me to, and she flips like a switch.

Remember your tendency for approval seeking behavior? It's back. Who gives a fuch what she thinks?

Its my best guess that this is because of some hate she has build up? am I right here?

Could it be that she's just a miserable bitch and she thinks everything she be done the way she likes it?

Hurt, I think right now you are taking two steps forward and one step back. I am not sure why but I believe you think you are detached enough to invite her along on these outing and you are clearly not. It's going to be a very long time before you can be around her and not give one flip what she says or does. You are trying to expedite the process and it doesn't work that way. When you are ready you won't care one bit that she has friend zoned you.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

Thanks for the input guys, helped me a lot. I am back on track, and things are great.

Kids and I have been to a "play mansion", no idea what the right word is, but basically a place filled with blow up trampolines, slides and fun stuff. So kids are beat, I am as well, but we had a blast.

Kids slept at my parents place yesterday, because I had a work dinner, and I picked em up this morning, and we went straight to the play mansion. Now we just ordered a pizza, and I turned on the fireplace, we are tugged in under blankets, and the rain is hammering against the panorama windows - its really cozy .

So, question on how to respond to the following episode: Ex texted me on friday and said, that she would be coming home wednesday (splitting the week because its a holiday in our country). She then proceeds to say, that she hasn't cleaned the house (understatement of the year, food, clothes and stuff everywhere and it was filthy) because she had an incident at work, and was too tired the night before to clean up.

Basically, two kids (third grade kids) got into a brawl, and she stepped in to stop, however they continued, and she was hit or something, she didn't clarify. However she had been talking to the school psychiatrist friday in the morning to get the episode out of her body and mind, and she was ok, but very tired.

I came home, and she had managed to wash clothes, and picked out the stuff she wanted to pack to go to OM, the rest was either left on the drying rack, or had been thrown on the floor. She had left intimate razors and old clothes in the bathroom and looked like she just packed what she needed and left it.

So, she is pretty fragile, and always has been (easy for her to cry, not confrontational at all), and I guess I believe her when she says the incident was hard on her.

On the other hand, she mustered the energy to pack whatever she found useful and then left the place in chaos for me to return to with the kids.

Dont know what the right approach is here.

Did respond to her text with: "Hi. I am sorry you had a bad experience at work, and I can understand that it must have been tough. I hope you are doing alright things considered." <--- before I saw the mess she actually left behind. We are talking days worth of not cleaning up..

/h

[ovrrnbw]

Are you guys divorced? You are saying Ex in some posts and WW in another?

Two school kids fighting isn't that big of deal, happens every day. She isn't fragile enough to go to OM's house, right? Quit worrying about her emotions, she doesn't worry about yours and there is a lot that has to happen before you let her close enough to hurt you again.

Her text to you was basically "I haven't cleaned the house b/c I'm busy", right? I wouldn't even respond to that next time.

[Hurt213]

ovrrr,

I was thinking a long the lines of what you pointed out, so I am glad you provided your view on the matter, since that just clarified that I am not being unreasonable in thinking the way I do.

My sitch is a bit different I guess, since me and my ex never married. We were together 12 years and had two kids, however I became chronically ill some years back, and marriage was actually set to be in 2019, however, that never happened. She basically told me straight up, that she was happy with OM, because she didn't have to take care of a sick person anymore..

Karma had it then, that my health made an amazing comeback in july, and I have never been more fit both mentally (looking apart from the things regarding my sitch that is), nor physically, im jacked atm, and I am getting the stares from women in the gym, I am just not there, and won't be for quite a while.

I dont fear my future anymore, I absolutely am looking forward to it, setbacks from time to time or not, NGS issues worked on or not, I am slowly getting there.

Ex/ww terminology, to me, she is both .