Man I started reading NMMNG yesterday. Only got through 1 chapter but there are so many parallels with me. Looking forward to reading more tonight. Nice to have the awareness that it’s a thing and hopeful that it will help me break out of that mindset and stop those behaviors.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
The utter disrespect with how your W treated you...buddy we are all pulling for you! Sounds like after you found yourself several touchdowns behind without even realizing you should have been on the field, you've since gotten back into the game. Improving yourself is a wonderful benefit to being on this site, although you don't really even realize you are doing it at the time the "bullets" from your WW are flying all around your head!
You now have had some time to recover from the sneak attack, put your plan of action together and make yourself stronger going forward. For your service to our country and for the horrible way your WW has treated you I wish nothing, but the best for you and your children! I hope you will begin to receive some manner of justice and good news through your upcoming court appt.
Thank you for your service, and I'm sorry about how especially cruel your sitch is.
I'm past Chapter 3 of NMMNG, and I'm surprised how much of myself I saw there. I'm also surprised at how relatively un-controversial (at least to me) the book is so far--this could always change the further I read.
If I can offer some encouragement, you're not alone, and most of these tendencies can be worked on and eliminated (or at least reduced) fairly easily. Knowledge truly is power. I've been working on myself and I've already seen a difference in some aspects. You will too, in time.
The utter disrespect with how your W treated you...buddy we are all pulling for you! Sounds like after you found yourself several touchdowns behind without even realizing you should have been on the field, you've since gotten back into the game. Improving yourself is a wonderful benefit to being on this site, although you don't really even realize you are doing it at the time the "bullets" from your WW are flying all around your head!
B
This is a pretty accurate analogy. I had no idea. It was like getting ambushed by the man sleeping in the same tent as you. I am still feeling way behind. I think she has been working this since July 18 or so. First signs showed to me in about September. Hard when you are 1000 miles away to know for sure what’s going on. So much is learned through body language and facial expressions that don’t come through email and phone calls.
Saw the kids today, was nice to have some physical contact with them, they were pretty snuggly. D8 asked me where I was living, I don’t have a place yet, still on the ship. Kind of hurt to hear that from her. She was just curious but it still stung of finality. I am hopeful to have more time with them after Friday. Without supervision. Not because I want to quiz them about home or anything, but I need them to know I am the same person and want to be able to go have fun with them instead of sitting on the floor talking about small talk stuff. I want to go camping and fishing and bowling and roller skating with them. Things W won’t do because she has decided she never liked them and now won’t do any of them with the kids.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
The utter disrespect with how your W treated you...buddy we are all pulling for you! Sounds like after you found yourself several touchdowns behind without even realizing you should have been on the field, you've since gotten back into the game. Improving yourself is a wonderful benefit to being on this site, although you don't really even realize you are doing it at the time the "bullets" from your WW are flying all around your head!
B
This is a pretty accurate analogy. I had no idea. It was like getting ambushed by the man sleeping in the same tent as you. I am still feeling way behind. I think she has been working this since July 18 or so. First signs showed to me in about September. Hard when you are 1000 miles away to know for sure what’s going on. So much is learned through body language and facial expressions that don’t come through email and phone calls.
Saw the kids today, was nice to have some physical contact with them, they were pretty snuggly. D8 asked me where I was living, I don’t have a place yet, still on the ship. Kind of hurt to hear that from her. She was just curious but it still stung of finality. I am hopeful to have more time with them after Friday. Without supervision. Not because I want to quiz them about home or anything, but I need them to know I am the same person and want to be able to go have fun with them instead of sitting on the floor talking about small talk stuff. I want to go camping and fishing and bowling and roller skating with them. Things W won’t do because she has decided she never liked them and now won’t do any of them with the kids.
Even body language and expressions can be faked or hidden i guess. Up untill everything happened with my w I would have had no clue anything was wrong honestly. We were going to the mts, having fun same old same old. Trying to have a baby together the months before leading up to it all. Planning to move cross country together etc etc etc. So sometimes it doesn't matter far away or being right next to them... I knew something was wrong but I thought she was just down about not getting a job in another state, and not being able to get pregnant. I didn't know anything was the matter with our m .
Bo thanks for the support. I totally do the covert contracts thing, I think it’s discussed in chapter 4. I do things hoping others will notice and give me validation or credit. I don’t do things that have a reasonable chance of failure. Lots of things to work on but that’s what I want. Luckily I have a couple buddies that I can enlist in helping me with this who will help keep me straight and on track.
I have lots of toxic shame too, I haven’t told many people about what is going on because I am ashamed. I know they won’t judge me, but still. Have to fight through it. The person named ‘jason’ in the book sounds like a spitting image of me.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Went out for dinner last night by myself after spending the day reading the NMMNG book. I found myself kind of angry on the drive back to the base for the night. Angry that W, instead of talking to me about our issues, instead chooses to cut bait and run. Angry that she is using the kids as leverage against me. Angry that she blames me for all of our problems to the court and uses them as justification to not allow me time with the kids unless under supervision. Angry that she told all those hurtful lies about me and angry about the re-writing of history she is doing.
I know anger is just a stage in this process. I am still tied to the outcome here, partly because the kids are involved in the outcome, and partly because I still want to work it out with W. I know I have said before that I miss my life but not my W, and most days that is true. Today is not one of those days. Today I find myself missing everything about her, her smell, her touch, her voice, the sound of her sleeping, her keeping me warm at night, and mostly just having a partner in life. I haven't had any communication at all since November with her other than via L, and he is just a money grubbing jerk.
Today I just want to have dinner with her, tell her what I have read and learned about myself, cite specific examples of things I have screwed up, show her a different me. I know none of this is possible and definitely not a good idea right now. Doesn't mean I don't want it. Feeling down today. Going to a fitness class tonight with the hope of others providing me some motivation to work out today. It will do me good to get exercise today.
Feeling pretty down on myself today, that book really showed me a lot of things I have been doing that have affected my life and relationships since I was probably 10 years old. That's a lot of being a 'nice guy' to overcome. Knowledge is power in the end, but right now its just depressing to stare at the elephant knowing I have to eat the whole thing with a spoon.
Last edited by LB55; 01/28/1911:25 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Bubbs hang in there brother. Keep working on yourself. I went to the group fitness class tonight, I spent a lot of the class reminding myself I am doing this to improve me and not for anyone else. I talked to a couple women there; which is a big step for me. Not because they were women, but because they were people and I normally don’t speak to strangers unless spoken to. Not anything in depth, but conversation. I consider it a win for me tonight.
I am a bit sore, it was a tough class, and I am not overweight but definitely can build some strength. Going to go again Wednesday. I also have a friend coming to town Wednesday for a business trip so we’re going to get together and catch up. He knows what’s going on with me and it will be good to get his perspective in person. Haven’t seen him in a few years. We keep up on messenger but it isn’t the same as spending actual time with someone.
R2C thanks for the positive words, I am trying to stay positive and not let the what if’s drag me down that hole.
In conclusion, feeling better tonight and I am taking an evening off from reading the book.
Last edited by LB55; 01/29/1903:54 AM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
