When you reclaim your MBR, very little words goes a long way. Listen to W.
W:"bla bla bla THIS IS MY BEDROOM! bla bla bla YOU SAID bla bla bla" H:"W, I decided I like this room. You are free to sleep whereever you want" W:"bla bla bla bla" H:"I am sorry you feel that way" W:"Bla bla bla bla" H:"I am not sure how I feel about that" . . . . .
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I guess women really do actually do all this [censored] just to see if their man is emotionally strong enough and independent. It's a sick, psychotic kind of test and way of thinking, and coming from the ego of female psychology. I don't have to like it but I guess I have to learn from it don't I ?
Pass the test.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Robert, I would highly suggest some IC for you. I am seeing a lot of excuses, a lot of blaming, and a lot of victim mentality in this.
"I guess I need to own" - that shows me you aren't committed to owning your faults "But she has issues too" - NOTHING you can do about that. Most LBSs here fail because they can't stop trying to control what they cannot control (IE their WAS). "I am a bit of a reactive person" - almost as if you can't control it, it is out your hands, ie not your fault.
A good IC will help you work through all of this. Help you see clearly, and help you own your own faults.
I appreciate the well thought out, lengthy response. But go back and read it with the perspective that a stranger is reading that. Try to read it objectively as opposed to subjectively. Try to read it as an outsider that doesn't know you well.
Even on snooping I see excuses. "I was trying to get insight." We all snoop for that reason. "I've been cheated on before." We've all had heartbreaks. "She was speaking in her female language." We all wonder what our wives really mean when they say what they say to us.
The fact is that snooping is bad FOR YOU. Not her. You think it helps, but look at you. What you found PALES in comparison to what most of us find. I wish I found that my wife was doing crazy web searches, that she was obsessed with a celebrity, and that she fantasized of a RV traveling lifestyle. I found my W in a very intimate EA with an OM a few states away. Including sending him nude photos! Another guy that was saying very inappropriate things to her. As well as her doing research on divorce, what it does to kids, and looking for places to live. I imagine you wouldn't want to trade for that?
Robert, read all of cadet's links. Start focusing on you and what you can change. Stop being so focused on her. The first step in that is to STOP tracking her online activity. GAL. 180s. Detachment. Control what you can control, and let go of what you can't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I guess women really do actually do all this [censored] just to see if their man is emotionally strong enough and independent. It's a sick, psychotic kind of test and way of thinking, and coming from the ego of female psychology. I don't have to like it but I guess I have to learn from it don't I ?
You really think that she is doing this on purpose ??
Man, you have been at this for like 5 minutes....
Slow down buddy, and act rather than RE-act...
This isn't about you, probably has never been about you.
You have been given a gift of some incredible advice above. Slow down, be still, and really understand what has been said to you.
Stop snooping Stop asking questions that you don't want the answers to Set some personal goals that don't include a marriage Get out of the house Stop blaming her for your actions Stop holding her accountable for your emotional well being Find out who you are, what you want, what this all means to you.... Realize that you are never gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into...
Relax, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
You get to decide way more than you might think.
Spend this time getting ready for those decisions...
So that the possible worst thing that has happened to you, doesn't define you...
Ok update. I picked up my wife from the hospital yesterday after her endoscopy and drove her home. We had polite convo in the car. Even though she expects me to help her with the baby after her surgery which is probably in a month or two. That I can do. We talked about finances again and I even brought up the idea of a custodial plan for our son. It turns out she was looking into doing the same thing with the same app, as well as looking into dividing the finances equitably the separation which I was doing as well. I did mention that maybe Sunday we all three of us can go out together to Hibachi and she seemed open to that.
I reassured her that I'm glad that she's doing what she's doing if it's going to make her happy and get her back to her skinny independent confident self what makes her feel sexy. She was really emfatic on how glad she was about me supporting her doing this. We even talked about her new exercise program in yoga that I might be trying out as well. I'm currently drawing up my own exercise regimen for myself. When we talked about finances, the day prior I told her that we should get the house on the market within the year and sell it since that's what she wanted to do initially. now she's telling me because of both our credit scores we probably should probably stay in the house for another year. I mentioned that I want to get out of the house now focus on myself and get an apartment eventually but I guess we both can't do it. I also was considering tapping of my retirement again to pay down some of the debts so we had a little more wiggle room. Frequently I've been bring up the conversation of dividing our time and coming up with boundaries and time tables and stuff as far as watching our son. I stated that I like to be there in the house for our son, but I also nred time to focus on my own stuff. I made the mistake of saying to her I'd like to be there for her and our son, I meant it in the context after her surgery for our son sake, but she took it as " you don't have to worry about me I can handle myself" so I just let it go.
I'm really towing a fine line between letting her feel what a single mom life is and doing stuff for herself rather than me doing it for her by setting boundaries. I'm really stuck in my own head between doing things The Godly way and detaching and doing things that divorce busting way. There's so many things that I've learned that is causing me to think in many different ways. sometimes when I'm around her I'm so cool, collected and detached other times I feel very anxious and I get like performance anxiety is like how do I respond differently to things and situations. I'm trying my hardest to be less impulsive than more thoughtful in my thoughts before carrying out my actions. She has always been polite and cordial with me. I don't want to be in the friend zone with her. I know I got to work on me and handle my own stuff if she's ever going to be attracted to me again.
This morning I came upstairs after the baby got up, and I asked her what time would she would like me to take her out to get her car at the hospital since we talked about it yesterday on the ride home.. She wanted to wait until 11am to get her vehicle. Because I have so much stuff to do, clean the basement, garage, house, fix car, etc, I kind of responded that going forward there needs to be precedence and boundaries. I would help with the baby, and work with her on the finances, etc, that it shouldn't be expected of me to always do things for her out of expectation going forward, and if I do decide to do anything, its because I want to, not because I have to. I told her her mother can take her to get her vehicle, and I will watch the baby.
The wedding rings have come off. The last two days I was seriously considering getting my paperwork, finances and custodial and schedule plan in order. I was close to pulling the trigger on the divorce because I don't want to be in limbo and strung along for breadcrumbs. I know I want respect because I deserve it, and I deserve a relationship of open honesty and integrity, vulnerability and intimacy. I always figured it was a persons best asset. We were always very open with one another about everything recent 5 months. Now the walls are up. So decided to take a step back, and let my emotions calm down. Im teeter tottering between being aloof, and creating distance intentionally, and trying to do it without being an a hole, but I just don't want to do it at a risk of abandoning, but I know I need to let her feel that space, and give her exactly that without my emotional attachment. I think we are both slowly just starting to transition towards independence from co dependence, and she is a head of me in that sense. But I'm a head of her in the curve if what she is going through because of DB and other materials.
I know that the best thing to do is focus in me, what I can control, what I can change, andcwgat I have the power in to show up and bring to the table. I get that this is psychological attraction game, and a game of independence and self confidence for both individuals, and realize the reasons she lost attraction for me, and what I need to do to get that back for myself and regain more self autonomy. I was reading Men are from Mars Women Venus When Mars and Venus Collide. It was a book her and I bought when we first dating that we actually had autographed 12 years ago by John Gray himself to both of us. Wonderful book which gives it a lot of insight on how men and women react and respond to different things, different stresses in life, dynamics, etc, and touched upon attraction and the current falted dynamics of relationship and stressed in modern times.
I still feel like I'm walking the high wire of balancing what I need to do, GAL, Detachment, self focus, and managing being around the house with her and the baby, in a seperated sense. Its difficult. In doing my best to remain emotionally neutral, and stay in the present moment, moving forward, thinking forward, learning from mistakes and not guilting myself over them, and not the past. I knowvi need to be the rock, the emotionally stronger one, TCB, introspect, do things for me, etc. I'm going to be going to some meetup groups soon.
Change, purpose and focus has always been really hard for me unless I'm alone alone. If this was just a BF/GF senario, and not a family husband/wife split it would be easier for me to be alone and focus more. I want to let her go, because I don't like what I see which is someone that doesn't romantically love me back anymore. I would rathere just have it one way or the other, either move forward, or move on. The thought of a loved one parking us in relationship limbo pisses me off and is disrespectful, but on the other hand, I understand this is her journey, and I shouldn't take it personally. I get that I'm giving her too much power over me in present moment, and I need to do me, find and focus on my purpose and that's that. Its a transition. I can't just turn it on and off like a light switch. My mojo Wil be returning soon I'm sure.
Alright. No more moping and obsessing over current sich, like a little girl. I'm not looking back anymore. Im moving my stuff, start working out and going out, doing stuff that makes me happy, and keeps me in motion moving forward. Time to change. Not going to let my mind and my fears get trapped in the past anymore.
That’s the ticket!! Work on letting go of anger and resentment as it will only slow your progress. It is hard but the ultimate act of love is letting go. Focus on you. That way, whether she comes back in the end or not, you will be better off. (((HUGS)))
BTW.... I won’t talk offence to the “little girl” comment even though I was pretty tough when I was little.
This guy sums up what GAL is perfectly, and has definitely given me an attitude shift. As the the old saying goes, focus on problems, and you get more negativity and problems. Focus on solutions and positivity, and you get more of the same. If you can't do it, or if you can do it, your still right. https://youtu.be/yJxNuOC7zdM
Alright. I hear what everyone is saying about respect, and I clearly understand why she's lost most of it over the years for me, so my lack of follow-through on some things and not handling situations right over the years. she doesn't respect me anymore as a provider and a man I get that. I realized I women do this kind of crazy stuff to see if the people are really going to stick around for them, or leave then even though I know she's seeking the life out of survival elsewhere right now. Still fantasy. I asked her about Iowa over the weekend after we went out to dinner with the kid.
She alluded to possibly moving out there to Iowa but it's all just dreams right now and not reality. Maybe in a year or so and then she briefly mention that I would be welcome to follow her and live nearby for the sake of our son.
even if I snooping was illegitimate I'm not letting this woman disgrace me disgrace our family disgrace our marriage and disgrace my household. Fantasy or no fantasy.
I'm thinking about taking back the MBR this and telling her she can move anywhere else in the house if she wants her space. I just need to make sure that I get my firearms out of the house first and record the conversation just in case she goes crazy on me. She has a firearm as well. I'm not worried about either or, but you never know. I guess I know it was an illegitimate of me for snooping but I want to confront her and I want the whole truth to come from her mouth and I want to present the evidence to her. My son needs a father and the family my wife needs a man and a husband. I intend to remain cool, collected not confrontational at all if I do decide to do this but I will presented with the evidence. and she will get a speech that she will not disgrace my name or my family or my bedroom or my home or our son. My leadership is going to start going through the roof with everything in the finances where we go out how we schedule time projects etc.
For some reason the movie The Quiet Man with John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara at the ending when she tried to leave so she thought he was a coward. If she wants to plan our Fantasy Skate plan that's fine by me I won't divorce her but she's not taking my son anywhere
