Yeah Steve I hear ya. Contentment and happiness come from within. Or if you are spiritual, from God. Otherwise we will always be chasing for validation outside ourselves in things, status, careers, ego, relationships, not that those aren't good things, but it doesn't validate our existence. Its just another accomplishment. That's why they call it the pursuit of happiness, because it doesn't come from around you, it comes from within.
I'm putting her pictures away and cleaning the basement at 3am. Getting ready to move the spare bed down here. Was tempted all week to grab her phone while she was sleeping, Funny... Now...I have no desire to know.... I'm just fine with focusing on myself. I have A LOT of work to do.
Here's to the other side of detachment.
Don Henley Heart Of The Matter
I got the call today, I didn't want to hear But I knew that it would come An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone She said you found someone And I thought of all the bad luck And the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are those voices outside love's open door Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more? I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand, All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again I've been tryin' to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore These times are so uncertain There's a yearning undefined People filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age? Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness They're the very things we kill, I guess Oh, pride and competition Cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us, you know it doesn't keep me warm I'm learning to live with out you now But I miss you, baby And the more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I'd figured out I have to learn again I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But everything changes And my friends seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore There are people in your life Who've come and gone They let you down You know they've hurt your pride You better put it all behind you baby 'Cause life goes on You keep carryin' that anger It'll eat you up inside baby I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me I've been tryin' to get down To the heart of the matter Because the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So, I'm thinkin' about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if , even if you don't love me Forgiveness, forgiveness, baby Forgiveness, forgiveness Forgiveness, forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me Forgiveness, forgiveness Forgiveness, forgiveness Forgiveness, forgiveness
She invited me out to breakfast with the mother and grandmother this morning I said no I have things to focus on. We're separate I'm going to ask separated
I want nothing to do with her romantically or even sharing a bed with her unless she snaps out of this fog. Let her feel her space and let her chase me for a change. If that ever happens. I don't want control her her fantasies her desires her goals or her thoughts. She can make her own choices and I can make mine
I've gone back and forth on who moves into the basement so many times, it would just be incongruity at this point. I understand what everyone here is saying about respect and not giving up my domain. But that ship has sailed. I need to get this mess that has been sitting in this basement which is mine cleaned up, and moved in. FOR ME. I have no interest in sleeping next to a woman who no longer has feelings of marriage for me. I want my house in order, and not always feel stressed out about the things I let go around here for over a year, so I am taking ownership of that and what I can control.
IHC, you came hear looking for help but suddenly have a chip on your shoulder about the feedback. We've discussed with you already why it's important for you to help the MBR. Even your responses are condescending. "Yeah, I hear ya. Contentment and happiness come from within." The only thing you left out is "blah, blah, blah" after it.
Look, we come here to share our experience freely and out of truly wanting to help. You don't have to listen to us. But you also don't have to be confrontational about it. I've given you feedback because I guess I figured that's what you wanted by posting here. If you don't want it you don't have get all passive-aggressive. A simple "thanks, but I don't want your feedback" would be sufficient.
I have to say, this could be some of the basis of where your marital issues came from.
I truly hope for the best for you in your sitch. My sitch was the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else in the world.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/02/1905:35 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It seems detaching is the most difficult for newcomers to grasp.....much less actually doing it. I have a favorite copy of a much shorter definition/example of detaching. I'm going to paste it below.
Definition of Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love (known as to lovingly detach*), we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flip-side, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my duty/job to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she really is rather than who I want him/her to be.
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Didn't intend to come off as being confrontational Steve or passive aggressive. However I am aware of it is the way I am, and your not the first person to say it to me including my wife as well as being condescending at times. How do I change that? It's not that I have a chip on my shoulder at the moment. (Although sometimes I do.)
After 2 weeks of back and forth of who is moving. Your essentially telling me to grow a pair of balls, take back the MBR, all of a sudden, just like that, and make her react if necessary and be emotionally stronger. I need someone here from experience to tell me what the desired outcome is. How I can expect her to react in the short term and long term from doing this. This site is begining to confuse me from detaching, and being demanding.
