Feeling guilty—about what this is doing / will do to our kids.
Your childern will be fine as long as you and your W are able to co-parent amicably.
Originally Posted by Bo562
I feel awful that this is at least (partly) my fault—that there may have been something I could have done to change this.
Own your part and work on fixing your side of the street.
Originally Posted by Bo562
I miss the good times, and wonder if maybe I took those things for granted. That there were times where she was good to me, and to us. Where did I go wrong, and what did I do to deserve this and bring this on us?
Everyone on this board took things for granted. As time goes by you will truly understand your part in the deterioration of your marriage.
Originally Posted by Bo562
It’s hard to not live in the past and the future—which is what I described above (one foot in the past, one in the future).
No 2x4’s from me Bo. I have had EXACTLY the same thoughts many times. My H abandoned me emotionally four years ago but in this mind, I did the same to him the four years before that. That kills me to think about. I certainly didn’t harbour the resentment and anger that he did but for sure, I focused on our kids and all of the household tasks that seemed to take priority every weekend when we were both around. I never, ever stopped loving him but for some reason, he stopped feeling like he was loved and I will forever regret that. But you can’t go back and regardless, I never once considered abandoning my vows and my family and if I had known the depth of his discontent, I would have done everything in my power to make some changes. But I didn’t know. Life was hard and I made the mistake of assuming he saw things the way I did. It was an honest mistake on my part so I have to forgive myself and move forward and try not to make the same mistakes again if I ever find myself in another serious relationship. At this stage I cannot imagine it but I know that is normal. Maybe I will feel differently in a year or two. (((HUGS)))
Own your part and work on fixing your side of the street.
Originally Posted by LH19
Everyone on this board took things for granted. As time goes by you will truly understand your part in the deterioration of your marriage.
What bothers me (and hurts me) is that in the initial months after ILYBINILWY BD about a year ago, I began working on things in earnest. I did 180’s on a number of things, to try to work on the areas of unhappiness that she told me about.
Then in October, she told me that in her eyes, things weren’t getting better, she wasn’t happy, and what I did apparently wasn’t good enough.
While only a few months of 180’s may not have been enough, I hoped that it would have been a start. I guess not.
Originally Posted by LH19
Things will get better I promise you.
In time, yes. I also know that things will get worse before they get better. It’s just difficult to see a good future right now, though.
She hasn’t left yet though so you have an opportunity to DB your heart out. She may not feel as confident and determined on the inside as she appears to on the outside. Keep working on yourself. All hope is not yet lost. (((HUGS)))
That whole bird-nesting thing seems like a set up for major awkwardness, IMO. In theory, I like the idea of the kids being able to stay in one home however, logistically, it seems like it would make it very difficult for you to move on if she is intent on making this a permanent arrangement. You need to have your own space. I can’t imagine going into the same apartment every other week and wondering who she was there with the week before and what they were doing. I think it really would be death by a thousand cuts. If I were you, I would just respond with a hard “no”... end of story. If she’s mad, so what. She knows where the front door is. Honestly, she is expecting way too much given that she is the only person who wants this. I don’t think my H even considered once that I would be the one to move out. He gave me the option, of course, but he knew I would never take him up on it. If anyone is going to be significantly inconvenienced by this forced separation, he knows it should be him. Your W needs to know this as well. (((HUGS)))
/journaling real-quick before bed (I’ll have more at some point tomorrow)
Not sure what this means, but this weekend I have found myself really, really, really NOT attracted to W.
Like, at all. Emotionally—her personality seems different (I know—she’s a different person, especially post-BD). Or even physically.
I feel like I have almost no attraction to her at all.
I’m not sure how this happened (though I’m guessing threatening a S / D to break up our family will do that), and I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not.
That whole bird-nesting thing seems like a set up for major awkwardness, IMO. In theory, I like the idea of the kids being able to stay in one home however, logistically, it seems like it would make it very difficult for you to move on if she is intent on making this a permanent arrangement. You need to have your own space. I can’t imagine going into the same apartment every other week and wondering who she was there with the week before and what they were doing. I think it really would be death by a thousand cuts. If I were you, I would just respond with a hard “no”... end of story. If she’s mad, so what. She knows where the front door is. Honestly, she is expecting way too much given that she is the only person who wants this. I don’t think my H even considered once that I would be the one to move out. He gave me the option, of course, but he knew I would never take him up on it. If anyone is going to be significantly inconvenienced by this forced separation, he knows it should be him. Your W needs to know this as well. (((HUGS)))
Agreed on all fronts.
I don’t especially like the idea of having another place that we share, and my wondering ‘who’s been sleeping in my bed’ (or whatever else may be going on).
W and I had a talk on Friday night now that I’m feeling better (been fighting a cold / virus that made me congested and dizzy at times). She wants me to agree to bird-nesting plan, or give a counter-offer. I told her that I object to it, and that if she wants to separate she can find her own place and leave.
Some ‘highlights,’ if you want to call it that:
*Threatening me with a court order to evict me if I don’t ‘cooperate’ (I told her that we both know that that is not necessary). I mean, if she’s concerned with how this will affect kids, what would that court order do?
*Said she can get the process started without me, but is running out of patience —that courts won’t look kindly on a ‘default judgment’ with respect to custody / divorce
*Wants me to consider bird-nesting on a trial basis—I told her I would need to think about that. When I asked her how long a ‘trial basis’ would be, she said a year, to coincide with a year’s lease on a new place. She refuses to leave; doesn’t want to ‘abandon’—neither of us want to leave.
*I asked her (and L brought this up)—if she wants to leave, why the parenting plan in place beforehand? She wants custody arrangement of parenting plan in place because she is afraid I will take kids (she cites that I could always leave at the end of the school year when my agreement / contract expires)—I told her that I would never do anything like that, and wouldn’t do anything to deprive them of their mommy (she counters with you never know what people will do when they are angry / upset)
*She wants to know if this is a power-play thing for me, am I bothered that she is taking control of the situation?
*She wants me to consider her interests in this; she claims that she is considering mine
*States that she doesn’t want to be with me (no kidding)—I told her that that’s been clear for some time, and that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and that I won’t keep her or stand in her way. I told her I love her enough to let her go, but she claims that I’m doing so only on her terms
*She’s afraid I will try to take away her parental rights (?)
*She brought up that she feels like I’m hiding something or holding something over her. She also gave me the chance to basically accuse her of something—I did not. She admits that she’s noticed I’ve been different since around Thanksgiving—that for her it’s hard to get a read on me, and she wonders if I’m okay.
I asked for until Wednesday night to give her a counter-offer—I’m talking with L on Tuesday afternoon after school. I asked for Wednesday because I knew I would be talking with her, and want to run the continued legal threats against L.
It’s really rich that she’s threatening me with a court order to evict me but also wants me to help with YS—can you change his diaper before you leave, he won’t go back to sleep at 1:00 a.m., can you walk him around for me?
I'm confused... How can she get a court order to evict you? Does she own the home? If you are renting, is it just her name on the rental agreement? Honestly...she wants to leave on "her terms" and then wonders if you are okay? Wow! Does she think she has the upper hand because she is a woman? I am glad you have a lawyer to talk this over with because I think she is a little delusional. Her accusations are interesting. It is funny how dishonest and manipulative people always project themselves onto other people. Good luck with your meeting. Hope you get some good news. (((HUGS)))
*Threatening me with a court order to evict me if I don’t ‘cooperate’ (I told her that we both know that that is not necessary).
Not necessary? It's not even legally possible unless she owned the house outright before the two of you got married. Or unless she accuses you of spousal abuse.
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*Said she can get the process started without me, but is running out of patience
"This isn't what I want, but I know it's what you want and I will respect your wishes. I am not going to initiate proceedings myself, but if you do and you need information from me I will provide it. Until we settle things legally I'm not going anywhere though."
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*Wants me to consider bird-nesting on a trial basis—I told her I would need to think about that. When I asked her how long a ‘trial basis’ would be, she said a year, to coincide with a year’s lease on a new place. She refuses to leave; doesn’t want to ‘abandon’—neither of us want to leave.
Bo, you're kind of between a rock and a hard place on this one. If you refuse to do the bird-nesting thing you're kind of leaving her with no option but to pursue D as that is the only way she can get you out of the house. Bird-nesting is a good way to have kind of a trial separation for a while during which she may learn to miss you. It's also a way for both of you to have some time in the marital home with the kids, and the kids won't be getting shuffled around. There are some down-sides, the biggest one of course is that you won't see the kids every day but that's kind of inevitable through S or D anyway. There's also the possibility that no matter what you agree to beforehand, she may have an OM over at your house, or at the satellite location you are sharing sooner or later. That's kind of an icky thought.
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She admits that she’s noticed I’ve been different since around Thanksgiving—that for her it’s hard to get a read on me, and she wonders if I’m okay.
Yeah that is what happens when you effectively DB. They start to wonder why and they get all paranoid. That's why we say it's a marathon. It takes a long, long time before they start to see your changes are real and not just some kind of trick.
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Any questions or suggestions for L?
Yeah definitely discuss the eviction threats and find out what your rights are. Also find out if you need to be recording convos or anything to protect yourself.
