this evening she made contact with me in our house (first non kid communication if quite a bit) and asked if she could borrow my book I mentioned a couple of weeks ago (7 principles for making a marriage work).. it completely took me off guard, i took a deep breath, realized this is all more of her plot to either a) make her self feel better about being how she is and or b) just a ploy to make it look like she is 'trying all things' before filing for D. I said basically that I think she should go out research, and get her own books that suit her. No need to take my advice, or read what I am reading. She definitely was shocked. I then proceeded to say or more or less words the above that Steve85 said. I told her no need to go to my IC if she was not going for the right reasons. And that I am not going to step in her way of D - but I am totally against it but i won't fight her anymore about it - if this is what she wants go for it! But I am not helping her.
Careful with all of this. It sounds like a lot of talking to kind of 'show off' the things youve learned here. Its going to come off as jarring and sudden and more like a "trick" than a sincere change of heart. She asked to borrow a book and you launched into your feelings on divorce - seems a little strange. To me, if she wants to read the book, then just say "sure" or "Im reading through it now, but you can borrow it when Im finished." Why try to control what shes reading?
Originally Posted by svdad
I did say that she needs to understand that my kids are my absolute world, and that I am going to have a hard time not seeing them... to which she said "so are you going to fight me for custody?!" I told her that is not what I am saying, I have not thought about that yet - but just telling her how I feel about the kids and what she is doing to them.
So what exactly was the point of this interaction? To make her feel guilty? I promise this wasnt attractive[/b[ behavior. Next time, think actions instead of words. How can you [b]show that kids are "your world"? rather than just saying it?
Also, think about that last line. This isnt just what "she" is doing to your kids. What have you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage? Placing this kind of blame on her isnt going to brig you two any closer.
Originally Posted by svdad
I am actually detached now.
Have you been reading up on detachment? It isnt really a light switch you just flip on or off. Its a process. Read up on what it means and what it DOESNT mean. Keep practicing. And keep posting!
Careful with all of this. It sounds like a lot of talking to kind of 'show off' the things youve learned here. Its going to come off as jarring and sudden and more like a "trick" than a sincere change of heart. She asked to borrow a book and you launched into your feelings on divorce - seems a little strange. To me, if she wants to read the book, then just say "sure" or "Im reading through it now, but you can borrow it when Im finished." Why try to control what shes reading?
Noted. The backstory is that I asked her to go to MC or at least see my IC before I would agree to D. Now I am realizing I should not push her for anything, and let her go her own path. To me, this also means letting her find her own books to read *if* she really wants to read them for the right reasons. I fear this is a ploy of her to just tick the box that says 'read marriage books, didnt work for me'.
Originally Posted by MoveFrwd
So what exactly was the point of this interaction? To make her feel guilty? I promise this wasnt attractive[/b[ behavior. Next time, think actions instead of words. How can you [b]show that kids are "your world"? rather than just saying it?
Also, think about that last line. This isnt just what "she" is doing to your kids. What have you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage? Placing this kind of blame on her isnt going to brig you two any closer.
Good point. I think I am to the point I am not trying to get any closer. I am working on myself and setting up a future for my children and I the best I can. I have no effort left to work on her/our failing R. It's up to her to decide her own path and right now that path does not appear to include me. I can't change that and I am accepting of that (finally).
Originally Posted by svdad
I am actually detached now.
Originally Posted by MoveFrwd
Have you been reading up on detachment? It isnt really a light switch you just flip on or off. Its a process. Read up on what it means and what it DOESNT mean. Keep practicing. And keep posting!
I guess what I should have said is that I am finally starting the detachment process - *and* feeling good about it. It sure is a weight off your back when you get the right knowledge and have the right game plan for *your* own life. Change the things you can, accept the things you can not - etc.
I think I am to the point I am not trying to get any closer.
The relation ship is broken. Only you have the power to fix it. Your job is to not push her away , but rather attract her back.
Unless you are not trying to save the marriage.
Obviously best case scenario is she finds herself, gets through this MLC and A (if she is having one), wakes up, and works on our relationship and we end up better than ever. Honestly - I think while possible is slim at this point since she is full on wanting divorce so fast. I am focusing my efforts on me, and my future with my kids.
I think I am to the point I am not trying to get any closer.
The relation ship is broken. Only you have the power to fix it. Your job is to not push her away , but rather attract her back.
Unless you are not trying to save the marriage.
Obviously best case scenario is she finds herself, gets through this MLC and A (if she is having one), wakes up, and works on our relationship and we end up better than ever. Honestly - I think while possible is slim at this point since she is full on wanting divorce so fast. I am focusing my efforts on me, and my future with my kids.
Yeah I thought that too. In the beginning. R2C is trying to tell you to STOP focusing on her. If SHE wakes up. If HER MLC ends. If HER A ends. If SHE is willing to work on the relationship. BLAH BLAH BLAH
Where are the I and me statements. You can only control one person on this ball of carbon......and she ain't it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Right on Stevie! This is why I said originally "I think I am to the point I am not trying to get any closer." There is your "I" statement
For real, I hear you guys. Totally appreciate your comments! I think we are all in agreement here - perhaps words were misunderstood.
I guess I do have a direct question - should I be meeting with some D ATTY at this point to get ahead? I definitely want to keep this house... its a perfect house for the kids and it does not make sense to sell it (own versus worth is not a lot diff at this point). She has mentioned she 'does not want me money and just wants to have a friendly D and what is best for the kids..." .... I have enough to buy her out of the worth of this house and also able to pay for the current mortgage on my own (do it already) but I am not looking forward to refi since right now I have a great rate. What are my options here?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks Gordie. 3 years ago eh? wow. My W is ummm what you might say 'strong willed'. When she makes up her mind she more or less does not go back/change it. I would be surprised if this sitch lasts 3 months (including the current 1 month since BD).
Got another question for you educated fellas: If W is leaving town for the weekend to go back to her home town, which is about 5.5 hours away (where the suspected OM is) what is the game plan? Do you still pretend like you have no idea about OM / EA / PA? As it stands I don't plan on even saying anything (at all) to her.
Be open to the fact that you do not know the future
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
