1. Write one or two sentences describing how you believe other people currently perceive you
I am a very humorous, caring, often a very funny man who is a fantastic father to an amazing 4 year old girl.
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2. Write one or two sentences describing how you'd like to be perceived by others.
I would like to be perceived as an attractive and charismatic (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritual) man who works hard for anything he wants in life. I would like to be perceived as a genuine good man who not only shows he is good, but is good.
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3. List three of your behaviors or characteristics you would like to change,
a. Significantly reduce my NGS mentality and turn into a good man. Stand up for what is right. b. Significantly reduce/eliminate my anger and vindictiveness. Use positive methods to cope with a difficult situation and express anger in a healthy, safe manner. c. Stop talking too much and inform the other party just enough to get my point across.
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4. List three new behaviors or characteristics you would like to adopt.
a. Adopt a confident, alpha male mentality. b. Continue to incorporate and improve upon, good hygiene and grooming habits (doing laundry and putting away the clothes, shaving every other day, trimming my beard, hair, and nails, dressing more like a man). c. Ooze sexiness from me. To the point where it catches attention from people around me.
I will work on Mission 3 this evening. I have been able to do this to two random folks already today.
A blue evening leading to an even bluer morning. I'm working on trying to keep up a good PMA, but I'm hitting a few bumps.
I was able to achieve making conversation to four out of five random folks yesterday. I don't know if that would require me to start the challenge again or if I can go forward with day 2.
My evening was a little busy. A friend of ours is being kicked out of her home and I told her she can use the garage at our house to store her stuff. However, the garage was messy and needed cleaning. That meant I had to go home while WW was at home. I let her know that I would be there within the hour. I got home, made friendly chat (cool response), and went about towards cleaning the garage. D4 was excited for me to be home and she was with me the entire time. I stayed for about an hour and a half cleaning and making room. WW came in and was pleased that there was more room in the garage. I was finishing up putting away christmas decorations and I had one of her heirlooms that I needed to secure due to its fragility. While I was looking around for a place to store this, WW came in and asked me if anything was wrong/I was ok. I gave her the "ok" symbol and found a box to put it in and put away. My mood was fine. I was not expecting anything from her. When I finished, WW told me that OM2 and D4 baked me a birthday cake and it was in the car for me to take. I acknowledged her informing me (I did not take the cake). I then put D4 to bed, which includes reading a bedtime story, snuggles, and good nights. (Side note: It's tearing me apart inside to not be there with D4 while she goes to bed. I should get used to this, but I cannot. I'm struggling.) I left the house and went to my friends place.
This morning, I wake up and decide to get a cup of coffee. I attempted to pay, but my card got declined. Turns out there was no money in the account. No, WW did not clean out the account. I checked our balance and the combination of me missing work, her missing work, and me separating funds caused this (We brought in $1500 less the last month...significant). I saw few expenses that were OM2 related (gas, groceries) I was able to get access to some money and bring us back in the black and I get paid for this month. Before anyone asks, we are going to discuss separation of our accounts. Maybe next week.
Humbled and ashamed, I called my mom and told her what happened. She told me that it's going to be ok. To trust my faith in God. I then came into work and started to do my job. While I worked, I recalled Sandi's and ovr's responses to my convo with WW. And (yet again) in hindsight, I see where I basically gave her a pass to do OM2 and to where I lost my self-respect. I tried to counter it (in my mind) by telling myself that we're separated and she can date if she wants and it's not considered cheating (It was pointed out to me that it's still cheating, though I would not tell WW). I also told myself that it was my mouth that made it worse and that things were starting to turn around last fall until I had to spew my anger at her for doing OM2. I made this sitch worse.
Yet again, I find myself starting something over. It's not DBing this time. I think I'm pretty good at that.
I think now it's finding my balls and get some self-respect. And I will need to accomplish it using a balanced, timely approach.
What stinks is that I lowered my chances of R even further at the realization that I am lacking balance. I am trying not to have any regrets. I tell myself that if we somehow R that the issues I have would not be brought to the surface and would cause problems down the road, possibly ending in another S.
Through this all, I just have to ask:
How badly broken am I? If it's taken me 6 months to start making tangible progress, how long is it going to take for me to gain control? Gain control of my sex issues? My confidence issues? My NGS? My anger and vindictiveness? What more am I going to have to lose to bring any other possible issues that I need to address?
Wow. Good on you. Just...wow, I'm so sorry you had to even encounter a cake from OM.
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
Humbled and ashamed, I called my mom and told her what happened.
Please don't be too hard on yourself on this. It was an oversight, and now you're aware. People make errors like this all the time with their accounts - it has no reflection on your as a working father/man or your ability to keep track of finances. I'm sure it was a one-time oversight. Perhaps mildly embarrassing but you should not be ashamed.
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
How badly broken am I? If it's taken me 6 months to start making tangible progress, how long is it going to take for me to gain control? Gain control of my sex issues? My confidence issues? My NGS? My anger and vindictiveness? What more am I going to have to lose to bring any other possible issues that I need to address?
sometimes change happens below the surface. I know you want to see and feel deep rooted changes in yourself. But try to remember that sometimes change is reflected in tiny ways, and those tiny ways add up. You have identified areas in which you wish to improve, but you are not your shortcomings. You are many, many good things. In being human of course you have issues or personality traits you wish to work on. They're just one part of what makes you Phoenix 9.
You're still tackling everything head-on which shows a real tenacity. Good on you.
It's late at night and I'm thinking about you.....hahaha!
Man oh man I think you have so much potential. I want you to go to bern19s thread and click R2Cs link. Spend some time reading those old quotes and old posters.
It's OK to be angry about stuff like your W cheating or some POS OM making a cake for you. I'd have said something mean there...
You take it too far when you act outside of your values. That's it.
Your W has faced no consequences for her actions. She hasn't lost you and she's called the shots. I think it's time for one of you to move out. When I got ballsy, I moved back into my MBR and said tough $hit. to my W. Davide went the other direction and that worked for him. R2Cs boundaries have stuck with me so well, so I stole them. I hope you take a look at his 2 part approach there and employ it in a casual, cordial way.
It's time you and I demand better treatment. This soft approach isn't working. I think you're talking to your W too much. And it's time to separate accounts.
Also I saw you used the word "our". I hope you start saying "mine".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I’m second-guessing everything when it comes to this sitch. I keep thinking that things will get clearer as time progresses, it is for everything except for WW and I. I am struggling to get it into my head that WW is a ball of emotion. But then I think, “But she looks happy and is keeping it together and so on. She knows what she is saying by telling me we don’t have a relationship anymore. Besides, I was the one who said those things, not her. Now she’s sticking to those things.”
I go back in the past and look at her downs and her demonstrating the pain she is in between her moments of OM2. One moment I feel sorry for her, the next moment I’m cursing OM2 and WW names. Swing left, swing right. Talk, don’t talk. I’m feeling wonderful, I’m feeling awful. I hate her, I love her. I can’t stop going from one extreme to the next without trying to find the balance.
I can’t even do the RotG challenge because my mind careened and crashed yesterday.
Nothing is wrong with you. Hold your W to her word.
Originally Posted by Phoneix9
She knows what she is saying by telling me we don’t have a relationship anymore
So then set a schedule, split the finances, move out (one of you), and go dark. If she can't afford it that is not your problem.
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
I go back in the past and look at her downs and her demonstrating the pain she is in between her moments of OM2.
Why would she be telling you about this, she told you that you and her have no relationship. Hold her to her word and let her know verbally or through action that you aren't her shoulder to cry on anymore.
Your WW is disrespectful. I think you should read these quotes and take a tougher approach. I felt stronger just reading this:
She knows what she is saying by telling me we don’t have a relationship anymore. So then set a schedule, split the finances, move out (one of you), and go dark. If she can't afford it that is not your problem.
She is intent on moving out and doing all of that.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
I go back in the past and look at her downs and her demonstrating the pain she is in between her moments of OM2.
Why would she be telling you about this, she told you that you and her have no relationship. Hold her to her word and let her know verbally or through action that you aren't her shoulder to cry on anymore.
She told me there was no relationship when we had our "No D" chat. This is the first time she told me. I told her that our R was over back a month ago (another case of saying too much).
She is now giving me the business-like treatment that I was giving her and has gone dark herself. The switch pretty much flipped right after our no-D chat.
And again, even now, I'm second guessing everything I have said and going to say. Sandi was right. My self-respect has totally tanked.
Sandi, if you're reading this, I would like to know whether the following makes sense as far as my sitch is concerned and whether my WW wants something similar:
About two years before BD, her uncle and WW went through something very similar. Her uncle got BD when he found out that his WW was having an EA with a guy she met on an online game chat. It turned into a PA two months later. For 10 months, he made the same mistakes I did. Begging, anger, crying, etc. He moved out four months to his mother's place while WW found another place to live. During those 10 months his WW maintained some semblance of their relationship with her OM until 9 months post-BD (I'll explain the significance of month 10 shortly). On the 9th month, the uncle suffered a near-death experience that required him to go to the ER. During the hospital stay, the WW visited him, but was very aloof and disinterested. The uncle tried one last time to talk things over with her to which she responded "There is nothing to talk about." When those words came out of her mouth, her uncle finally let go and asked for a divorce.
In month 10 post-BD, her uncle met someone and they began dating each other. Of course, WW seethed with hate for her and called her some pretty nasty names. During that time, the divorce was rolling along. On the day that the final signatures were due, her uncle signed, but the WW (who was now single) did not. To this day, I'm not sure why. And to this day, they are still separated and have their relationships with someone else. They now get along better than they have been. Heck, when I visited her uncle over the summer (one day before I joined this board), he told me that if he was not seeing his current GF he would have reconciled with WW. But the R with his GF was serious. Funny thing is, the uncle told his GF that his current R is staying as-is and will likely not go anywhere...but they are still together.
Anyway, it's been three years post BD and they are happy with their respective lives.
I strongly feel WW wants this kind of dynamic for us and feels that OM2 and I can fast become friends once I get to know him and she can be BFF with my future OW. My heart was (and still is) screaming "That will never f*cking happen. EVER." Chances are high that at best my relationship with OM2 would be enough that I do not get thrown in jail for attempted murder of the SOB.
Anyway, I just thought I'd give some more backstory about WW's possible thought process of our sitch and things would hope to end up (in her mind).
As evidenced by my reactions to her, there is zero chance of that scenario playing out in our sitch. I just don't know how it's going to end up.
LOL Phoenix. I am in the same boat as you regarding my feelings about OM. If I ever see that MFr in person ever again. I will honestly not hold myself back. I don't care if he is 20 years older than me and half my size.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
[quote=Phoenix9]I have always told my W at every stage of our situation that I would never be her friend.
And I truly meant it. All my ex-gf's? I stopped talking to them after we broke up. It's the best thing to get them back and for you. You need to find a way to make that happen in your sitch.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
