TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Hey Yail!

I agree that ultimately I'm glad he did this if it's what he really wanted. The part I'm having trouble with is that I don't think he was really honest. I have that gut feeling that it was some other reason, and while it still stands that the reason probably doesn't matter if that's the way he wanted to go, I just hate continuing to feel like I'm not worth an honest explanation to these people. Once again it seems it's more about him than me and I'm trying to figure out things that probably have no (good) answer anyway.

I 100% agree 3 weeks in and thinking of LTR seems ridiculous. It was just one of those things that actually didn't seem like, illogically crazy, but just like something we both wanted. There were many times during the process that I checked myself but I didn't sense anything about this guy not being sure about what he was in it for so that whole thing just came down to me trusting too much too soon and believing what people say and do means more than it probably does, and that's probably the biggest ache of it all. I'm so tired of that and considering it happened with my XH after 9 years, I feel like I have no choice but to go into things semi-blind, but aware. Because then I ask myself well, what if the right person does come along but I'm TOO guarded because I don't trust anyone or can't feel like I can trust my own feelings and be authentic? It's just a tough dance and I just want consistency.

That being said I am definitely trying to embrace more of the unknown and just "going with the flow" after all that. I've gone on other dates and have adjusted to be more honest with myself in terms of not assuming anything, again despite what I might be seeing or hearing. I really hate that and I can already feel that it could turn ME into a person who ruins things with someone if I start to seem like I'm not ready to commit even though I am. But anyway, those are dating world problems not D problems

Yail I will also not deny for one minute that I am afraid to be alone. Not in the sense of generally being alone, but the thought of being along long-term and every moment that passes by in the meantime is very difficult for me. I feel like time is just being wasted, and I know I'll be learning good things in this process but I'm not confident that it will be worth what I feel is being lost in not spending a lot of my moments with someone I care about. When I go on a date and have a great time, it's good for that moment but then I get back home and end up feeling like if it wasn't for something more then it was just a distraction. Repeat that enough times and I can see how dating and constantly cycling through people becomes a thing very quickly, because it just wears on you to be investing energy and all you want is to get it back, so you keep doing the temporary fill dance until maybe one day it sticks.

I don't know, I'm really fumbling my way through my "new life" and while I have moments where I embrace it, I still do have a lot of resentment - not even at my XH, but just at the fact that I have to go through this and that I don't know if I will ever get the consistency of a LTR let alone a marriage in my life again.

[DejaVu6]

HI TJT.

Great to hear from you again. Sounds like you have done pretty well moving forward. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have got lots of time to meet someone and have your forever relationship. Just focus on figuring out who you are without someone. I was 32 when my first marriage broke up and I spent five years on my own. I remember having similar fears but I got busy. Started playing pool competitively, got into martial arts, met lots of people and had a great time. In the end, I met my STXH and we had the family I worried I would never have. And now? Well... new chapter... I will figure it out. I have met a lot of great people I would never have met had this not happened to me so that, in itself, is a blessing. You will be just fine.

BTW...I don’t know if your new guy lied or not. The reason sounds pretty legit to me but then I lived with a liar for 13 years so I’m not the best judge...lol. When I first started internet dating, I met a guy who literally swept me off my feet. We were really compatible in a lot of ways. He told me I was his soul mate, bought me all kinds of gifts and even took me to Vegas...all within the span of four weeks. Then, as suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone...lol. My dad and sister were also diagnosed with cancer around that time so his departure was felt a lot more deeply than if that had been all I was dealing with. But...I eventually got over it...and we are Facebook friends...lol.

So this guy didn’t work out. That’s totally okay. You learned some really important things about yourself. You can fall for someone again... you can see your future with someone else. You will get there my friend. I will see you over on the divorced thread soon if you decide to post there...lol.

(((HUGS)))

[TJT]

Hey DV... thanks for stopping by

I've since seen a few things on this guy's social account that have me pretty confident he didn't up and move anywhere for another job. But it is what it is.. just sort of going (back) through the process of evaluating another person from the perspective of who I thought they were being different than who they actually are, and separating my feelings from that.

I really struggle with how people can be so inconsistent and from a relationship standpoint it's starting to worry me even more than I thought it would before. I am finding myself in situations where I'm anxious about whether someone is going to text me back and what they are really thinking. I am finding myself to be pretty needy in the validation department, which on one hand I don't think is totally bad because I deserve to be validated...and someone who wants me will gladly provide it... but on the other hand I feel it tricks me into worst-case scenario thinking when I don't get it and I have a very real, physical anxious reaction to it.

I've continued to try different things to manage that (breathing, keeping myself busy) but I often find myself getting very "stuck" in my mind where I'm not motivated to do anything else until this one lingering thought and feeling gets resolved. Usually that's by way of the next text or next phone call coming through where phew, the person seemed to care about me and it didn't end in a discard (and in the meantime I become obsessed about keeping my phone nearby and checking things). Either that or a good chunk of time completely separating myself from said situation/person, like with my XH.

After just writing that out and re-reading it I am certain that I am still dealing with PTSD from my situation and it's very frustrating because in my logical mind I feel very sharp and understanding of how I should be thinking and feeling about things, but my body and emotional mind is just not complying. The smallest things can trigger my heart racing or me feeling really terrible. And then I feel terrible that I feel terrible, like why can't I deal with these situations "normally" and not feel like it's the end of the world when they happen?

Anyway, just some journaling I guess. I am trying to stay focused on the positive strides I've made, and I am actually really proud of them. There's just still a huge imbalance in my life that I am feeling very deeply and I am trying to better understand and then address how to fix that, but so far the only other option I've come up with is to not engage at all (just avoid the possibility of these situations all together) and I know that's not the right answer.

And yes DV, I think I'll just go ahead and start my divorced thread in a moment and make sure to come back and link to it here for anyone who wants to keep following. And I hope to keep coming back and checking on the sitches here too.

[Yail]

TJT, before you wrote it I was also thinking something along the lines of PTSD. If this extreme anxiety is not your norm I do think you are still reeling from all that has been going on in your life.

If I could say anything, it's that it sounds like you're spinning because you're too much "in it" right now. It's consuming your mind, which then dictates your emotions. I know you're trying to push it away, but it's creeping in there. I get it. I've been in a tailspin before.

Can you identify a strict schedule with yourself to help keep your mind busy? You deserve a mental break. I'll tell you - I'm an avid knitter. And I happen to process and do a lot of thinking when I'm knitting. But if you're not a knitter, it will keep up much of your brain power to focus on this new thing. Plus at the end you get to have a cool hat or scarf etc.

As a fellow introvert I know that GAL can be hard when we just NEED so much time to ourselves. It's not that I don't like people - I love them! I just NEED time by myself in my own home to be happy and healthy. But you need to focus on how Introverts GAL right now. Plan an elaborate meal or baking project you want to tackle one evening. Freezer stockpiling is always helpful so you have healthy meals on hand. Try a new craft. Go to the movies by yourself. Get DuoLingo or Babbel and dive into a new language.

I strongly suggest you set a schedule for yourself. Or at least set a list of things you can do when you find yourself spinning. Each time that happens go get those knitting needles.

[TJT]

Thanks Yail, and I totally agree with you. I’ve been trying to think of how I can keep myself busier - the crazy thing is I have been GALing quite a bit more with other friends since this happened, and at times I feel better but then when I get down time again, as much as I need it and want it like you so accurately pointed out, emotionally it’s very easy for me to start spiraling again once I have time to think.

I know having things to “do” even at home is probably what I need to solve for. This has been harder because when I’m at home I am finding it very difficult to get motivated to do things because those are the things I feel like are “for nothing”, in the sense that I’m not sharing it with anyone else. So any project or food or anything that comes to fruition seems more like a chore even if I benefit from it lol.

It sounds terrible, but if I’m honest I almost feel like I’d rather be going out every night... and I ALSO think part of that has come from the fact that when I meet new people, I’ve started to feel really lame as a person. It seems everyone has tons of friends or family and they always have something going on. Granted I put into perspective that I’ve been in a committed relationship for 9 years and was trying to settle down, and now I am trying to make a huge transition that’s been made more difficult by the fact that I now live in the suburbs locked down to a home. It will just take time and that frustrates me because I want to be able to move on and start whatever my new life will be but it seems there’s always “something”.

I’m sure somehow it’s a good thing that this is part of the process even though yeah, I don’t want to hear that. It’s just so painful in the sense that there are multiple layers and types of pain associated with all this. Just when you think you’ve conquered one part of it (in my case the pain of losing my XH and wanting to be with him, which I feel at peace with now) there are so many other things to overcome.

I’ve continued reading in the divorce threads how people do say they feel it’s worse than a death for exactly that reason (being so many other facets to the pain). This is something I feel people going into marriage really need to be made more aware of!! The impacts on mental health from these situations needs to be a major public service announcement!

[Yail]

TJT, how you doing these days? Peeking at the boards, but not signed in?

Hope you're good.

[TJT]

Hey Yail. Yeah I’ve peeked at the boards here and there. Mostly been trying to GAL but to honest I’m not good at it. I’ve been dating a guy for about three months now and there’s so many red flags but I like his company, we do have chemistry in certain ways...but I’m finding it very hard to set boundaries because I just keep this mindset of “maybe if I try hard enough it will work.” It’s the most ridiculous thing l can think of someone doing but here I am feeling paralyzed by my own mind, unable to stop what I know is a train heading towards me.

I like to think I’m learning through this, and that even though I haven’t done it YET, I will come to the point of having the confidence to walk away from things where I’m not FULLY getting what I need. That’s my excuse for the time being.

I’ve wanted to write in the “after divorce” forums more to get more advice and keep everyone up to date but I’ve just wanted so badly to start a new life that writing fell by the wayside. I know it be good for me though. Also, these forums are just kind of a pain in their archaic nature.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to revisit your posts and a few others’. Maybe tomorrow while I have time I can.

[SteveLW]

Life is too short and there are too many others out there to put up with red flags after 3 months. TJT you have more value than that! Make a clean break and start looking for a better match!

[TJT]

Hi all. My new thread in the divorced forum is here if you wish to continue following. Admittedly I only seem to come on here when I'm struggling in my "new life"/relationships and need advice but I will always try to return the favor during my periods of activity!

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2906540#Post2906540