You can definitely do better! That's outrageous to hear she wants back on the joint account. You've given her so many chances but she just doesn't get it. It's too bad because if you do get divorced she'll realize too late how generous you were with her. Like a lot of folks have written she'll respect you more if you enforce these boundaries and it'll help set the stage for whatever happens in the future, so keeping her off the account would be a good move on your part. That's also good to hear you plan to pursue separate interests and you have the confidence in yourself to know you'll make it no matter what. I think you have a bright future ahead.
LB, that's right. She told me one thing and did another. I guess snapchat was more important than her marriage, and I told her that her actions speak for themselves. I'll look for that book, but I'm trying to not involve my emotions much. Hell, every time I kissed her in the last month I was thinking this could be the last time I kiss her or hear her tell me something.
Adam, I went to a friend's house, made food, then out to a small live music venue and met a couple gals he knew. Just hung out and had a few beers. Last night we made a from scratch red sauce and pizzaria style garlic cheese bread. My friend and are big into fine spirits and cocktails so we made some old fashioneds which is basically our go to. I did make a new cocktail Friday called a tigre blanco. Not sure what part of Tejas you're from but I enjoy Mexican and TexMex and Texas style cooking. Such a big, cool area. For V-day, I'll prolly get out of the house. If all we were well I'd reverse sear a 2 - 2.5lb herb encrusted tomahawk ribeye for us with steamed asparagus, mushroom risotto, and fresh bread. I have a few bottles of red that would pair well and I am fine of a minimum 1 hour breathe before drinking. That's cocktail time. Donuts for dessert.
Nicole, no reason to combine finances again. That's a big step. She cant even take the small steps for me.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
LB, that's right. She told me one thing and did another. I guess snapchat was more important than her marriage, and I told her that her actions speak for themselves. I'll look for that book, but I'm trying to not involve my emotions much. Hell, every time I kissed her in the last month I was thinking this could be the last time I kiss her or hear her tell me something.
Yep she violates boundaries and until she stops nothing will likely improve. That book has been good for me as it is not about being emotional or trying to fix your R; rather it’s about how to be able to step back and take stock of yourself and see what it is that makes you happy. I derived most of all of my happiness and self worth from my R, and it devastated me at BD because I really have nothing to fall back upon. I am finding it useful to identify behaviors that I want vice whati think others want and how to not react emotionally to others needs all the time. Taking care of yourself first.
You and I would get along in our cooking habits...brined Pork tenderloin seared in cast iron and finished in the oven, Brussels sprouts, Parmesan risotto, a nice Chardonnay; blackberry cobbler with home made vanilla ice cream for dessert is my easy go to dinner for special occasions.
Last edited by LB55; 02/10/1905:44 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Well I had it out with W this afternoon. She brought up divorce again. We both yelled at each other. We both got sad. We hugged. We talked. All anti DB stuff. She says I punished her by cancelling our plans yesterday to go hang out with my friend. W says that she told me if I cancelled our plans it would be to punish her and that she's out if I'm punishing her. Well she stepped over the line, why do I have to be put in that position? I'm not patient enough she says. She was patient for years (which is true).
I told her I love her and want her to be my wife and we are in the best spot we've been in to deal with everything but if this one mistake means divorce then I won't try to stop her. She cried more.
I'm feeling hopeless. Like this isn't going to work. Why is she pushing me so hard?
LB that meal sounds good man. I found some huge blackberry bushes and made lots of cobbler. I love summertime, blackberries, tomatoes, warm water, warm air, long days, hot nights. Can't wait.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well I had it out with W this afternoon. She brought up divorce again. We both yelled at each other. We both got sad. We hugged. We talked. All anti DB stuff. She says I punished her by cancelling our plans yesterday to go hang out with my friend. W says that she told me if I cancelled our plans it would be to punish her and that she's out if I'm punishing her. Well she stepped over the line, why do I have to be put in that position? I'm not patient enough she says. She was patient for years (which is true).
I told her I love her and want her to be my wife and we are in the best spot we've been in to deal with everything but if this one mistake means divorce then I won't try to stop her. She cried more.
I'm feeling hopeless. Like this isn't going to work. Why is she pushing me so hard?
LB that meal sounds good man. I found some huge blackberry bushes and made lots of cobbler. I love summertime, blackberries, tomatoes, warm water, warm air, long days, hot nights. Can't wait.
ovrrnbw,
I read you giving great advice to others, and then see you making mistakes that go against your own advice. I didn't have a WW wife, so I'm not an expert on these things. However, the advice given to others and by you is to never lose your temper, set boundaries and stick to them, detach, don't engage in R talks, etc. Stay strong. I'm about the worst person to get advice from. I was divorced less than 4 months after BD--despite sticking to DB tactics. I chalk it up to sometimes there's just nothing you can do. I do feel I'm at a better place than most because I did stick to DB tactics--even though my marriage is over. GAL, 180, detach. Do it. Then, do it some more. Do it until you make it--with or without your wife.
Well I had it out with W this afternoon. She brought up divorce again. We both yelled at each other. We both got sad. We hugged. We talked. All anti DB stuff. She says I punished her by cancelling our plans yesterday to go hang out with my friend. W says that she told me if I cancelled our plans it would be to punish her and that she's out if I'm punishing her. Well she stepped over the line, why do I have to be put in that position? I'm not patient enough she says. She was patient for years (which is true).
She is welcome to her opinion. Did you do it to punish her? Think about your reasons for doing what you did. If you can honestly say you aren't punishing her, then I think you can have a clear conscience. Her ultimatums should not cause you to yield. One person always yielding leads to resentment of the other. "do what I want or I am out" sounds like an ultimatum to me. She is assuming you did cancel to punish her. Again, did you? Examine yourself and you will find some answers.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm feeling hopeless. Like this isn't going to work. Why is she pushing me so hard?
It really tough and frustrating. There is always hope, hope for you! She is pushing you because you are reacting to it. Stop the results based analysis. You don't control her nor the outcome of her decisions. My 2 cents. Emotional detachment is about not reacting inappropriately to her outburst and actions. It's hard, and we all have to work each day to remember how and to improve. Get back on your feet and don't make the same mistake next time! A focus area for me in all my relationships(not just my W) is to stop needing to have the last word. Whether it's a text, a call, an email, etc, I try to focus on ending the conversation just before the other person, and letting them say goodbye, or to not reply to a text that doesn't require a reply. Helps me let go of my control of them and the conversation. It's getting easier and my life hasn't changed significantly one way or the other because of it.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
LB that meal sounds good man. I found some huge blackberry bushes and made lots of cobbler. I love summertime, blackberries, tomatoes, warm water, warm air, long days, hot nights. Can't wait.
As did yours! I love summertime. Salmon season in the northwest, beautiful weather, blackberries everywhere!
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Harvey, it's been a while since I've addressed this and I don't expect everyone to go back and read my day 1 posts. I was a world class jerk to her. I'd yell at her for leaving a purse out. I left her at the Dr's office after lasik b/c it was taking to long and I didn't clear my schedule for the day. That event makes me want to puke still. I really do, and did, love this woman and I really reduced her to nothing at times. She had to become a small, pliable person in order to be under the same roof as me.
She didn't say things the right way, she didn't cook things the right way, nothing was ever good enough. Horrible way to live. I know because that's how it was for me growing up. She told me she couldn't take it, she asked me to go to counseling, she did stay tough for some time but she didn't know how to handle someone from a screwed up home like me. And when she couldn't take it anymore she started searching for OM.
LB, I didn't do it to punish her. I didn't know what the hell to actually do. But she put that ultimatum out there and I chose poorly in her opinion. She agreed to get rid of the snapchat app and wear her ring. She didn't hold up her end of it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well she is serious now about divorce. Says me cancelling plans with her after finding out what she was doing Saturday was me punishing her. I told her I didn't do it to punish her but she is adamant that it was a punishment so I just validated that. I talked to her on the phone for way too long this morning. She wants to know if I'm going to "dodge her" and not be home to discuss divorce stuff. I told her today if she wants a divorce then I don't have to talk to her ever again.
I think I'm going to look for an extended stay hotel at least for now. I'm just all messed up over this. She doesn't care that she crossed my boundary b/c she was so patient with me.
And I need her signature on the lease for my office. Why didn't I get that Friday. God I don't know what to do there either.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
